Chapter 14
CHAPTER 14
ATTICUS
He had some fucking nerve showing up here. I’d never wanted to break someone’s neck more in my life.
But I couldn’t risk Mimi hearing anything.
“Why are you here?” I spat as I rounded the porch, my ears throbbing.
Nicole took Julian by the arm and led him down the street. “We need to talk down here away from the house,” she explained.
No way I was leaving her alone with him, so I followed. “You didn’t answer my question,” I said to him. “Why are you here?”
“I don’t need to explain that to you.”
“She dumped you. Why would you come if it wasn’t to make trouble?”
“She dumped me ? You’re thinking of your situation.”
My blood boiled. “You need to leave. You know why she and I are here. Now is not the time for your bullshit.”
“I don’t really think that’s for you to decide. You have no right to tell me what to do.”
“I have every right to protect my wife.”
“Your wife?” He huffed. “I believe that ship sailed long ago.”
Nicole stopped walking and held out her palms. “Stop! Both of you.” She turned to me. “Leave us for a bit, please.”
Me? My chest heaved as I looked between them. She wanted me to go? It pained me to turn around and leave her alone with him, but I did as she asked—mainly because I didn’t want Mimi to suspect anything was off if we’d both disappeared. If I came in bruised up, that wouldn’t have been a good look, either.
“Call if you need me,” I said as I walked away.
Much to my chagrin, I got back to the house feeling like I’d left my heart out on that sidewalk with Nicole. I felt hollow inside, and most of all, ashamed—ashamed that my actions had caused all of this. Ashamed that I’d ever allowed her to land in the arms of another man, especially him.
I checked in on Mimi, hoping she hadn’t sensed any commotion outside.
She looked up at me. “You stopped drumming.”
Running my hand through my hair, I sighed. “I did.”
“Did I hear someone at the door?”
“Yeah…uh, it was just someone selling something.”
“Where’s Nicole?”
“She stepped out for a bit.” I walked over to the window and looked out, tapping my foot.
“What’s so interesting out there?”
“Nothing. It’s…a nice day. That’s all.”
I arched my neck to see better, though I knew she was too far down the street for me to see from here.
“Why don’t you go back to your drumming?” Mimi asked. “It was relaxing me.”
Turning around, I arched a brow. “Relaxing? I worried I was disturbing you.”
“No, my love. It’s the quiet that causes my mind to race. The drumming gave me something to focus on.”
“Well, that’s how I feel too. Great minds think alike.” Even though I felt dead inside, I smiled. “Alright, then. I’ll get back to it.”
I forced myself to return to the garage, repositioned myself at my seat, and began beating the shit out of the drums. Each strike only fueled my anger. Sweat beaded on my forehead as I pounded out my fury. Better the drums than Julian’s face.
When the door to the garage opened about an hour later, I stopped.
Putting my sticks down, I rushed over to Nicole. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. We just drove to the center of town and had coffee.”
Even that made me insane. “Is he gone?”
“No, actually. He’s staying in Monksville tonight.”
“Why?”
She shrugged.
“What the fuck does he want from you?” I yelled.
“Not sure you want to know.”
I gritted my teeth. “He wants you to take him back…”
“He wants another chance, yeah, after I return to the city.”
A flash of panic hit. How could I compete when he’d be in New York with her, and I’d be all over half the fucking world?
My palms began to sweat. “What did you tell him?”
“I told him I wasn’t interested in resuming things.”
“Why couldn’t he have waited for you to be back in New York to say what he needed to say?”
She shook her head and looked down at her feet. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. He came here to fucking rattle me. He wants to get his ass beat.” I tightened my fists. “Where’s he staying?”
“Why? You’re not going after him.”
“I just want to talk to him.” While I bash his face into the pavement.
“Nothing good can come from that, Atticus, and you know it.”
What did I hope to achieve by confronting Julian again? The rage inside me right now made me realize I was still holding out hope for Nicole and me, and I saw Julian as an impediment. That was likely delusional. I needed to protect myself from getting hurt. But first I wanted to hurt him .
“If you won’t tell me where he is, I’ll find him anyway. There aren’t that many hotels in town nor places to hang out. And I know where his mother lives. He’s staying with her, I assume, if she still lives here?”
Nicole refused to confirm.
She followed me as I exited the garage and headed to my car.
“Atticus, don’t be stupid.”
I ignored her, turning on the engine and taking off. As much as I hated to upset her, I couldn’t help it. I needed him to know that if I wasn’t going to have her, he certainly wasn’t either.
Since I knew Julian’s car, I figured I’d drive around town to see if I spotted it.
It took me a few hours of scouring Monksville, but I finally located his Range Rover parked outside a local bar around happy hour.
I parked and stormed inside.
He was seated in the corner, watching a game on the TV mounted to the wall.
He jumped in his seat as I pulled out the chair across from him and made myself comfortable.
“Surprised to see me?” I cracked. “You shouldn’t be. You knew coming here would risk getting your ass beat, yet you chose to come anyway.”
“Come on.” He rolled his eyes. “Really? You’re following me around now?”
“Actually, I just want to talk.”
“You mentioned beating my ass a second ago. Now you want to talk?”
“I don’t want to upset her any more than I already have, so no, I won’t be attacking you. You can thank Nicole for that. But please, by all means, come for me first and give me an excuse. Then I’ll have a perfectly legitimate reason to knock your teeth out in the name of self-defense.”
Maybe I’d knock his teeth out either way. But first, I needed a drink. I’d definitely be taking advantage of my three-drink maximum today.
I headed to the bar and ordered a beer. Before I could return to the table, a woman recognized me and asked for a photo. Forcing a smile, I appeased her before settling back in the seat across from Julian. I had to give him credit for not leaving.
I took a long sip and set my glass down. “What can I do to get you to stay away from Nicole?”
“Why should I? She’s your ex-wife, ex being the operative word. You have this unfounded belief that she somehow still belongs to you. She doesn’t. After you and she broke up, she chose to be with me. You can’t seem to understand that.”
“She only chose you after you manipulated the situation. You knew what had happened, and you were conveniently right there to pick up the pieces—pieces you had no right to.”
“Whether you think the timing of my relationship with her was convenient or not isn’t the point. She and I developed something real. It didn’t happen overnight. You weren’t there, and you have no idea what she and I built. You’re only seeing what you want to see. You’re also forgetting that Nicole is a grown-ass woman and can do whatever the hell she wants with her life. She doesn’t need you to dictate who she falls in love with.”
“In love with you ? She broke up with you!”
“Yeah, well, I think that was a mistake.”
“You’re telling her how she’s supposed to feel?” I slammed my glass on the table. “A mistake on what basis?”
“I don’t think what happened in our relationship is any of your business. No relationship is perfect. It takes real work. Unlike, you know, being a musician who’s not even around to put effort into things.”
I sucked in a breath. He’d hit a nerve. He seemed to know exactly what to say to get to me. The likelihood of this talk ending well was diminishing by the second.
I rolled up my sleeves. “You know what? This was a bad idea. I thought I could talk to you and not want to smash your face in, but I was wrong.”
“I’d love to see you do that because it would solidify for Nicole what a nutcase you are.”
“You’re a piece of shit, Julian. I can’t believe we were ever friends. You can think whatever you want about yourself, but the truth is, it takes a real shitty human being to move in on his friend’s wife.”
“Again, she’s not your wife. And she wasn’t when I started dating her.”
I leaned in. “She’ll always be my wife. And if you know her as well as you seem to think you do, you’d see in her eyes who she belongs to. Just mention my name around her and you’ll see what I mean.”
“Don’t be so sure she would ever go back to you. Do I need to remind you why she ran to me in the first place?” He glanced down at my beer and raised his chin. “Why don’t you have another drink? Make some great decisions…”
My body trembled with rage. That was it. Why don’t you have another drink? That’s what caused me to snap. My chair skidded against the wood floor as I stood, my glass shattering to the ground. I grabbed him by the neck, dragged him over to the wall, and slammed him against it.
I squeezed his neck and spat, “Go ahead. Say it again. Tell me to have another drink.”
Two men rushed over and pulled me off of him. When one of them threatened to call the cops if I didn’t immediately leave the bar, I decided I couldn’t risk staying. Mimi had relatives who were cops in this town. She’d find out what happened. Then what?
So I left without so much as looking at Julian again, secretly thankful that they’d stopped me. Because I really would have hurt him.
I debated how to explain to Nicole what I’d done—or almost did—on the ride home. What I’d wished I’d done to him. My behavior certainly wasn’t going to score me any points.
Ashamed, I wasn’t ready to face her. So I detoured to my sister’s first. I needed to decompress.
“You look like shit,” Tina said when she opened the door.
“Yeah. I feel like it.” I followed her to the kitchen. “Are any of the kids here?”
“No.”
“Good.”
I didn’t want my niece or nephews to know about today. I always tried to set a good example for them, even if Kieran had gotten a taste of my bad behavior when he toured with us.
“What happened, Atticus? Is it Mimi?”
I shook my head.
My sister wasn’t surprised one bit after I explained what had gone down at the bar. Thankfully, she and I were on the same page.
“That guy had some damn nerve coming here to stir up trouble. I wish you had knocked his teeth out.”
And that’s why I loved my sister.
I nodded. “Me, too.”
“But no skin off your back. You got out of there, and no one was killed. Why are you still so down?”
I rubbed my temples. “I don’t have a lot of time left here with Nicole and Mimi. I guess I hoped that somehow Nicole and I would’ve reconnected more by now. But I take two steps back every time we make some progress, making things worse each day. Not to mention, Julian coming back reminded me that he’s not out of the picture. He’ll have the home court advantage.” I tugged on my hair. “I don’t know what to do.”
Tina poured me a glass of water, sat down, and slid it across the table. “If the love wasn’t still there, it would be easy, you know? The reason things have been so tense for you is because it’s very much still alive. And I wish more than anything that I could convince Nicole to see things differently, to give you another chance, but it has to come from her. She has to be ready for that.”
“I know.” I sighed deeply. “That’s the thing. I’m not sure she’ll ever accept what happened. And I can’t blame her.”
“Don’t give up hope, not as long as you’re both still alive.”
I reached for her hand. I’d give anything to bring her husband, Brian, back for her. I sighed. “The reality is…I think I need to focus exclusively on Mimi for the rest of this trip and stop thinking there’s any other reason Nicole invited me here. Because I’m setting myself up for major disappointment.”
“Well, you’d better be spending some time with us before you leave town. The kids will never forgive you if you don’t.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing them. Freaks me out that they’re all adults now, though.” I chuckled.
It was dark by the time I left my sister’s.
Once I got back to the house, the first thing I did was peek in on Mimi. Thankfully she was sleeping soundly. Then I walked into the kitchen to find Nicole sitting with a cup of tea.
Her expression was sullen, and she wouldn’t look up at me. “Where were you all this time?”
“It took me a while to find Julian, and then I went to my sister’s after I left the bar.”
She nodded.
Placing my keys on the counter, I hung my head. “I assume he told you what happened.”
“He did. I was worried because it was a while ago that he said you left.”
“Of course…” I gritted my teeth. “He called you as soon as he could. I’m sure he spun it that I attacked him unprovoked.”
She lifted her gaze to meet mine. “Did you?”
“He brought up the very thing he knew would trigger me. He was asking for it.”
I couldn’t even repeat it.
A look of sadness crossed her face. I couldn’t tell if she was upset at the whole thing or just disappointed in my actions.
“I tried,” I told her. “I really did. I thought I could have an adult conversation with the guy, but apparently, it’s just not possible for me to be in the same room without wanting to kill him. I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not,” she said with a hint of a smile.
I waited, expecting her to scold me for my loss of control.
Instead, she stood, walked over to me, and put her hands around my face. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.
Taken aback, I nodded.
She shocked me even more when she brought my face to hers and kissed me on the forehead.
I closed my eyes, appreciating every second. “You’re not mad?”
Instead of answering, she patted my face. “Did you eat dinner at your sister’s?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I made a fresh batch of chili, if you want some. It’s in the crockpot.”
Is she really giving me a pass?
“I would love some,” I said with a sigh.
Nicole left me alone in the kitchen. I didn’t understand why she hadn’t given me a harder time about my behavior, but I was damn grateful for it.
My stomach grumbled as I went over to the counter and got myself a bowl of chili.
I ate it in silence, unable to stop thinking about what had transpired—mainly that kiss on the forehead, which had given me more hope than anything in a very long time. It spoke a thousand words. Among them, that she understood me, she was sorry, and maybe she still loved me. Even if it was false hope, I’d hang onto it. It was better than feeling like I’d lose her again once the time here ended.
After I finished and took a shower, Nicole already seemed to be asleep when I got to the bedroom. Her long black hair was splayed across my pillow as her body rose and fell with her gentle breathing. In all the days we’d been here, I’d never longed to hold her more.
Instead, I ran my fingers gently through her hair before moving her tresses off of my pillow. What I really wanted, though, was to bury my face in that hair and inhale it all night.
I lay down facing her back, continuing to wish I could wrap my arms around her. But getting to lie next to her was better than nothing. It was certainly better than a lonely bunk on a tour bus, where I’d spent endless nights wishing for this. Actually, lying next to Nicole right now was better than anything . And you know what? Even though I hadn’t had a chance to win any fights with Julian today, I had won. At least for now, in this moment. Because I was the one here with her.
A few minutes later, I heard her voice. It was barely audible.
“Atticus…”
Surprised that she was awake, I straightened a little and answered softly. “Yeah, baby?”
“Atticus…”
I’d thought she was trying to get my attention, but she was talking in her sleep. For real this time. I’d been messing with her this morning when I’d told her she was saying obscene things while unconscious. This was the first time I’d heard her do this since we’d been here.
“Atticus…” she repeated.
I closed my eyes, loving the way she called my name and wishing so badly that I could see inside her mind right now.
Why was she calling for me?
What were we doing in her imagination?
Did she forgive me in her dreams?
Did she love me in her dreams?