Chapter 16
CHAPTER 16
NICOLE
Atticus’ smile melted to a frown the moment he walked in. I’d been pacing near the door, anxious for his return.
“What’s wrong, Nicole? Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?”
I just kept shaking my head. He pulled me into his arms without hesitation.
He spoke low into my ear. “Tell me what happened.”
“Come into the bedroom. Mimi can’t hear us.”
I explained everything to Atticus about Louise passing away on the cruise. She’d apparently had a heart attack after attending some dancing event on the ship. She was only in her early sixties. How could someone so young and energetic just drop dead without warning? Life was so unfair.
Rubbing my arms, I continued to pace. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell Mimi. She won’t be able to handle it.”
Atticus sat on the edge of the bed, scratching his chin. “I think we need to tell her. There’s no way around it. We could get away with some crazy story about why she’s not back yet for a little while, but forever?”
“Okay, you’re right.” I exhaled. “I think I need a few days, though. You and I were supposed to be gone in a couple of days. But I can’t leave now. I’m gonna have to let my clients know I’ll be gone longer than anticipated.”
He stood and squeezed my shoulder. “We’ll figure it out together. I’ve got you. I won’t leave Monksville until there’s a solution.”
His gentle touch calmed me for a moment. But then reality set in. “You have to get back to your life.”
“There’s nothing more important than you. Fuck the rest.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how you can say that, Atticus. After everything…”
“I’m not just saying it. I mean it. I’ll drop everything for as long as you need me to stay.”
His eyes glistened as he looked deeply into mine. I could see my reflection in them. Those beautiful eyes had once held my entire future, the promise of children, and a life of laughter and love—eyes that were constantly begging me to reconsider that dream, even if he didn’t come out and ask me.
“How was your trip?” I asked, willing myself to focus.
My question seemed to break his trance. “It was good. Very good. Thank you for asking.”
I nodded, shooing away the pangs in my chest.
“Do you want me to tell you more?” He swallowed.
My heart raced as I shook my head. You’re a coward, Nicole.
“Okay,” he whispered.
It was too much to go there tonight. I needed to keep my focus on the problem at hand. What the hell was I going to do with Mimi now that she had no one to take care of her?
“Don’t hold the entire world on your shoulders, okay?” he said. “We’re not gonna come to a solution tonight or even tomorrow. But we’ll find a good person to watch over her. Might take a couple of weeks. But I’ll make sure she gets the absolute best care, even if we have to pay more.”
“I don’t want to take your money.”
“It wouldn’t be you taking it. It would be for Mimi, and I think we can both agree that we just need to do what’s best for her at this point.”
I’d been adamant since the divorce about not taking a single cent from Atticus. If I couldn’t handle his fame, I didn’t want his money. But he was right. If he was willing to help pay for someone we otherwise couldn’t afford, that would be in Mimi’s best interest, and I’d need to get over it. Atticus was a multimillionaire. If he wanted to give money to Mimi, who was I to interfere?
“It’s going to be very hard to replace Louise because it was a unique arrangement,” I explained. “Rather than being here eight hours a day, she’d come in and out since she lived nearby, keeping tabs on Mimi with the camera and the app. She took much less money than anyone else probably will.”
Since I’d been using Mimi’s savings to pay for her care, I really appreciated not having to pay double or triple what Louise charged. Mimi needed around-the-clock assistance, but the going rate for that was through the roof.
Atticus shook his head. “Please don’t worry about the money, okay? We’ll figure it out one step at a time.”
Letting out a long breath, I nodded. “I’ll try.”
He looked into my eyes again. “I’m not exactly upset about the prospect of staying here longer until we can find someone. I still have time before I’m needed in L.A.”
That brought me some comfort. “Kenzie came by today,” I told him.
His expression brightened. “Really?”
“Yeah, I think she was looking to say hello to you, but since you weren’t here, she and I had a nice talk.”
“That makes me so freaking happy. I know how much she’s missed you. I’m glad I wasn’t here, if it gave you a chance to talk to her.”
“Yeah, it surprised me how easy it was to open up to her. I can’t believe she’s twenty-four. We’re only seven years apart, but I still see her as the eleven-year-old she was when you and I started dating.”
“Sadly, I do, too, which makes it a problem if I ever meet any of her boyfriends.”
“I definitely fear for any man who hurts her.”
“She’s gonna be Tristan and Emily’s wedding photographer, you know,” he said proudly.
“Oh, no way.” I smiled. “She was telling me she’s been doing a lot of weddings but wants to get into more journalistic stuff.”
“Yeah, she’s really talented. Have you seen her photos?”
“I follow her social media, yeah. She’s definitely found her calling.” I paused. “Just like her uncle, who followed his dream and made it happen. Even after everything, I’m so damn proud of you, Atticus. I don’t say that enough.”
“Well, you were the person who made me believe in myself enough to stick with it.” He smiled sadly. “It’s hard for me to appreciate my career sometimes with how complicated it’s made my life.”
“ I made it complicated when it didn’t have to be. My own fears. You’re an amazing musician. Don’t ever regret following your dream.”
His stare was incendiary. “Don’t you realize you were my dream?”
I froze. His words cut straight to my heart.
“You couldn’t help your fears. I just wish…” He trailed off. “Well, I wish a lot of things.”
There was torment in his eyes. Maybe he’d already figured this out about me, but it felt like a long-overdue explanation. I took a deep breath. “One of the things Kenzie and I talked about today was my dad. How I thought his cheating on my mother had given me trust issues.”
Atticus blinked. “I’m surprised you went there with her.”
“Me, too. I guess when you’re around the right person, it brings out certain emotions. It was strange to talk about it with someone I hadn’t seen for years. But maybe that made it easier.”
“Well, I can see why you feel she’s easy to talk to. She’s like Tina in that way.”
“You and I have never really discussed my father in great detail, the way he’s impacted my life. There’s a lot I’ve figured out over the past few years, but I think I need to follow your lead and see a therapist. That seems like it might help.”
“I think that’s a great idea. I’ve always figured your dad had something to do with your fears about our marriage. How can you not have trust issues when the man you trusted the most failed you?” He nodded. “I get it, Nicole. I never pushed you to talk about it because I knew how much it upset you. But even before you brought it up just now…I knew the connection.”
I shook my head. “I felt bad for even mentioning my father to Kenzie. It hit me afterward that I’d been complaining about my dad when she didn’t have hers. But I didn’t have time to apologize for that because the call about Louise came in. I—”
“I’m sure she didn’t see it that way, but I get what you mean.” He sighed. “I think about Tina and Brian a lot, whenever I find myself lamenting what happened with us. As painful as it’s been being apart from you, at least I can still see you. You know? I can still be here like this and look into your eyes. See you smile back at me—sometimes, when I’m lucky. And even laugh with you. I’ll take anything I can get over nothing at all, no matter how painful it sometimes feels. That’s why I don’t want this time here to end.”
“But it will,” I whispered.
Atticus took my hand. “Ever since we broke up, I’ve looked forward to going on tour more than anything because there’s nothing worse than being home without you. Home was always where you were. And it doesn’t matter if I’m at my house in L.A. that you’ve never been to, or our old apartment in New York, being in one place just reminds me of the emptiness I’ve felt since losing you.” He looked away. “But on tour, everything is erratic and moving, and it doesn’t give me a chance to think. On tour I’m someone else. Which is just as well because there is no me without you. Being here? This is the first time in a long while I’ve wanted to stay in one place. But it’s only because you’re here.”
My fingers tingled as I yearned to touch him. Eventually I gave in and ran my hand through his hair. “Atticus…” I whispered.
“Fuck.” He bent his head back. “You touching me feels so good.” He exhaled and shut his eyes. “The other night, you were calling my name…”
My hand froze. “What do you mean?”
“In your sleep…you kept calling my name over and over.”
I had no recollection of that, but given the lack of mischievous look on his face, I had a feeling that this time, he was telling the truth about my sleep talking. I swallowed. “I was?”
“Yeah…”
“Was that it?”
“That was it. You were calling for me, yet I was right there. It’s sort of the way I feel every moment you look at me when you’re awake, Nicole. You try so hard not to feel anything, but I see it in your eyes. It’s all still here, isn’t it?” He wrapped his hand around my neck, the cold metal of his rings a contrast to the heat of his palm. “You’ll always be fucking mine. You can move on. But you will always belong to me.” He rubbed his thumb along the center of my neck. “Look at the effect I still have on you. It doesn’t matter whether I look at you or touch you like this. I see how you change instantly. You still want me.”
My breaths quickened.
He moved closer. “You can tell me it’s over. But is it really? Not as long as we’re both alive.”
His amazing scent overpowered me as his touch continued to set my body ablaze.
“Everything I want in this world is right fucking here in front of me.” Atticus lowered his hand to my back, placing his lips gently against my neck. I could feel his breath against my skin.
I wanted more, so badly. That scared me. If I went there, I wouldn’t be able to handle being apart from him again. I’d worked so hard to get to the place I was before our time here. I couldn’t say I was over him, but I was learning to live without him. And if I couldn’t accept all aspects of his life, we couldn’t go backward. Time hadn’t just stood still these last three years.
My brain battled with my heart and body. All my heart wanted was to immerse itself in the love I could feel emanating from him. And my body wanted him inside of me.
His chest pressed against mine. I could feel his erection straining through his jeans. My legs grew weak, and I felt myself losing control. But the lust consuming me right now was no match for the fear.
I pushed away suddenly as my brain won out. “I think you should sleep on the floor tonight.”