Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
ATTICUS
Later that morning, I left the bedroom before Nicole did and went to make coffee.
When she finally appeared in the kitchen, she didn’t say a word to me while she drank it. She fumbled with the utensils in the drawer, seeming anxious. “Is Mimi up?” she asked.
“Not yet,” I answered. “Last I checked she was still out.”
All I wanted to do was drag her back to the bedroom and fuck her properly. But alas, that was the fantasy, and this awkwardness in the kitchen was the reality.
“We don’t have to talk about it, Nicole. We got off. There’s nothing wrong with a release. We both needed it.”
“Right.” She stopped messing with the silverware. “It didn’t mean anything.”
“I didn’t say that. It sure as fuck meant something to me. But we don’t have to talk about it.”
Our eyes met.
“It can’t happen again,” she whispered.
I’d figured she’d say that. “Whatever you want,” I said softly. “I’ll sleep on the floor from now on.”
“I can’t let you do that.” She frowned. “I’m the one who started it.”
“I’ll turn around and face the other way, then. That way I’m never up against you. That’ll make it easier for me, too.”
She looked down at the floor but said nothing.
“What’s wrong? You don’t trust me?”
“It’s not that.” She sighed. “I don’t know if I like you turning away from me, either.”
“You like sleeping next to me, that’s why…”
Nicole nodded. “I like feeling you close at night, yeah.”
My heart filled with hope. “Well, it’s mutual.”
“But it’s been confusing,” she added.
“I think we can agree on that. You don’t feel like it’s okay to want me anymore.”
She shook her head. “I have never not wanted you, Atticus. Not a single second this entire time. But it’s stronger when I’m in your presence. Wanting you has been the worst torture I’ve ever experienced. But I can’t go backwards. I’ve worked so damn hard to get over you.”
“How’s that going, though?” I raised a brow. “Maybe trying so hard is having the opposite effect.”
Nicole’s phone rang, and she practically dove to answer it.
I listened as she spoke to someone. She kept nodding and jotting down a bunch of information.
After she hung up, I asked, “What’s going on?”
“They found someone for Mimi. She can start any time. I guess her previous client recently passed away. She lives here in town and would even be willing to do what Louise did, popping in and out during the day and sleeping here at night.”
“Wow. I’m surprised they found someone so soon.” My heart felt heavy. I wasn’t ready to leave her. And I wasn’t talking about Mimi. “This almost sounds too good to be true.”
“I know.”
“Well, she can’t just start,” I said quickly, feeling panic rise. “We have to meet her. She has to meet Mimi. I want your grandmother to like her.” Anything to extend our time here.
“Yeah, of course. They gave me her number and said we can contact her to arrange that.”
“Okay, uh, I guess this is good news.” I sighed. “Will you go back to the city right away if it turns out she’s a good fit?”
“Yeah. That was always the plan, right?”
I nodded.
“You gonna stay in town or go straight back to L.A.?”
“I’ll spend a couple more days with my sister, but eventually I have to get back to L.A. Recording is gonna start soon.”
“That’s right.” Nicole slipped her hands into her pockets.
I heard rustling from down the hall. “She’s up,” I said, gesturing toward Mimi’s room. “Should we give her a heads up about this woman?”
“Might as well.”
We walked in together and Nicole sat by the bedside. “Mimi, we have great news.”
Her eyes fluttered fully open. “Oh?”
“The agency found a nice lady who’s local to work with you. She can do the same type of schedule as Louise did and sleep here overnight.”
“Who has that kind of time?”
I laughed. “Well, it’s not like she’d be doing it for free.”
“Who is this person?”
“Her name is Fiona,” Nicole said. “I’m gonna give her a call to come by and meet you.”
I patted Mimi’s leg. “If you don’t get a good feeling, you let me know. I’ll get you someone else you like better.”
“Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver,” Nicole warned.
Mimi reached a shaky hand toward her granddaughter. “Well, I suppose it’s time you lovebirds got back to your own life. You’ve been here long enough, and I’ve hated to inconvenience you.”
“Are you kidding?” I said. “This has been the best time I’ve had in a long while. And I’m sorry I went so long without seeing you. I won’t let it happen ever again.”
I meant that. I flew back and forth between New York and L.A. a lot and vowed to see Mimi whenever I was on the East Coast.
She shook her head. “You don’t worry about anything except taking care of my beautiful granddaughter.”
I smiled at Nicole. Mimi had no idea how much I wished that were still my responsibility.
***
That afternoon, a woman named Fiona Baumgartner came by to meet Mimi. Fiona was a widow who’d grown up here in Monksville. She definitely had the experience for the job, having had two elderly clients in a row over the past decade.
After showing Fiona around and describing Mimi’s routine in detail, Nicole and I left her alone with Mimi for a bit. We’d told her we’d return in an hour.
In the meantime, we walked around the neighborhood, circling the block a couple of times before I decided to broach the subject on my mind.
“Even though this trip ran longer than expected, things are coming to an end faster than I’m ready for,” I said. “I want to make sure you know how much this time has meant to me. Even fighting with you is better than not communicating, never seeing you. This time has broken the ice between us, and I never want to go back to the way things were when we weren’t speaking. Even if I can’t have you as my wife, Nicole, you mean so much to me. I want to be your friend, at the very least.”
She stopped walking and turned to me. “I don’t know how to be friends with you, though, Atticus. I don’t know how to be around you and not feel everything —the good and the bad.”
A wave of panic hit. Did she want things to go back to the way they were? “So what’s the alternative?” I asked. “Never seeing me again because you feel too much ?” I shook my head. “Not an option for me. I’m willing to feel it all, Nicole, even if it kills me. I don’t want to live in a world where the mention of my name makes you sad. I don’t want to live in a world where one of the guys mentions you, and I can’t perform well for the rest of the night. We’ve been through too much together to remain strangers like we’ve been for the past few years,” I pleaded. “I need you in my life.”
“What does that life look like if we’re not together? You can’t handle the idea of me moving on any more than I could handle the same.”
That was exactly right. Deep down, I knew my version of staying in touch was different from hers. Mine meant working toward ultimately being together again. But if she didn’t see it that way, she was right. Staying in touch wouldn’t be easy. I’d never handle being around her if she was with another man. Never .
Still, I warned myself to slow my roll.
“I don’t have the exact answer, Nicole, but maybe it starts with a promise to call each other once in a while. To check in.”
After a pause that felt like a lifetime, Nicole nodded. “I can do that.”
A rush of relief washed over me, and we resumed walking. At one point, we passed the house she’d always said was her dream home here in town. I didn’t say anything, but I could tell by the look on her face that she was thinking about it, too.
When we returned to Mimi’s, we found her and Fiona laughing together in the bedroom.
“You two getting along?” Nicole asked.
Fiona smiled. “I have to say, Miss Mimi here is a hoot. I think I hit the jackpot.”
“Aw, well, we’re glad you see what we see,” Nicole said.
“I can start any time if you two need to get on with your lives.”
“Like how soon?” I asked.
Fiona stood. “How about tomorrow?”
My pulse raced. “Tomorrow?”
“That would be fantastic,” Nicole answered faster than I could process this.
***
That night before bed, I called Ronan to update him on the latest situation.
“Dude! When are you coming back to L.A.?” he asked in greeting.
“Sooner than I thought.” I ran my hand through my hair. “And I’m not thrilled about it.”
“You found someone for Mimi?”
“Yeah. A local widow. She seems great. And she’s supposed to start tomorrow, which means I have to get out of here. I’ll spend at least a few days at Tina’s, then book my flight back to L.A.”
“I know it sucks leaving Nicole, but I’ll sure as hell be happy to have you home.”
“Thanks, man.” But L.A. wasn’t home . This felt like my home.
“You okay?” he asked after a moment.
“I think I had this deluded thought that if I had more time, I could somehow win her back. I could find a way to make things so great that she’d forget everything. Or maybe she’d just finally be willing to work through things we never have. It was a fantasy, though.”
“I get it, man.”
“We messed around a little in bed this morning,” I confessed.
“Whoa, what?”
“We didn’t have sex…but it surprised me that she was willing to go where we did. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about her , and I haven’t even left yet.”
“She cheated on her boyfriend?”
My blood pressure rose. “No.” I shook my head. “I didn’t tell you they broke up?”
“No! Really?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s huge.”
“It happened before she came out here. But he showed up once, and I almost fucked him up. I don’t trust that he’s out of the picture.”
“You need to call me for backup for shit like that. I thought I told you to let me know if you needed me.”
I chuckled. “I didn’t know he was coming. But getting you into trouble isn’t going to make anything easier. If two of us are out of commission, there’s most definitely no Delirious Jones.”
“There’s no Delirious Jones without any one of us.”
“That’s true, I guess.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re coming back. But I wish you’d gotten the outcome you hoped for.”
“I’m still better off than I was before I came. Nicole and I are on speaking terms at least.”
Ronan snorted. “Sounds like you’ve been doing more than speaking.”
“I wish that had changed something, but it didn’t.”
“At least she kicked Julian to the curb, though. Or is trying to. That’s a win, if you ask me. It could’ve been so much worse. She could’ve married the dude or had his kid. Then she’d be trapped with him.”
“That would’ve been a disaster.” I shuddered. I wasn’t sure how Nicole felt about having kids these days, but we’d once had a pregnancy scare of our own. Although, the only one scared had been Nicole.