Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
ATTICUS
PAST
I rushed back from the recording studio the moment Nicole told me she’d bought a pregnancy test. We had always used protection—with the exception of one time. Hence our current situation. She’d been meaning to go on the pill but had been reluctant to start it, fearing how her body might handle it. And we’d slipped and had sex without a condom.
We’d just moved to a one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn to be closer to where the guys and I had been recording. Nicole had started her first official hairstyling gig, and I was waiting tables. We could barely pay the rent, so it seemed impossible to fathom how we’d afford a baby.
My beautiful girlfriend met me at the door, and I followed her back to the bedroom. “Have you checked the test yet?”
“No.” She shook her head, rubbing her arms vigorously. “I’m too scared.”
“I know.” I enveloped her in a hug. “Don’t be scared, baby. I’m here. No matter what happens, we’ll be okay. We have each other, and we’ll get through it.”
She stepped back to look at me. “This is not a good time for us to bring a child into the world. I’m only twenty-two and just getting started at the salon. And you’re finally getting some traction on the music front.”
I shrugged. “It’s not ideal, but is anyone ever truly ready for such a huge thing to happen in their life?”
“We don’t have any money,” she said, looking so discouraged.
I stared into her eyes. “I’ll quit the band if I have to and get a full-time job.”
I’d recently hooked up with two musicians, Tristan Daltrey and Ronan Barber. We’d started a band called Delirious Jones and were currently recording our first demo album.
“That would be horrible if you had to quit now. You shouldn’t even consider that.”
“Well, I’ll do what I have to. It’ll be okay.”
Nicole closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “If I have to go through this with anyone, I’m happy it’s with you.”
“Same, beautiful.” I exhaled. “We should really check the stick, though, so we know what we’re dealing with. But before we do, I want you to know something.”
“What?” She blew out a nervous breath.
“From the moment you and I met, I haven’t wanted anything more than you —to be your boyfriend. You might think my music is everything to me, based on how much time I devote to it, but it’s not. You are. And if that test is positive, you should know that there is nothing more important to me than you and this baby.”
She smiled, and it brought me comfort to know I’d given her a little bit of peace. I’d meant every word.
“Okay.” She took my hand. “Come with me.”
We walked together to the bathroom. The stick lay on the corner of the sink.
My heart raced as she reached for it, looked down, and let out a huge breath. “Oh my God! It’s negative!” A burst of air left her body. “I’m so happy.” She beamed, a look of true relief on her face.
I exhaled slowly as a strange feeling came over me. It definitely wasn’t relief. It felt a lot like…disappointment.
She wrapped her arms around me and tilted her head. “Why do you look sad?”
I blinked, unsure how to explain it. “I don’t know how to feel.”
Nicole searched my face. “You were hoping it was positive?”
“I would’ve been happy if it was, yeah,” I admitted.
She ran her fingers through my hair. “Really?”
I swallowed. “Yes.”
“I didn’t think a baby was something you’d want in your life right now.”
“Just because the timing isn’t ideal doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want it. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of.”
“You’ve never said that before.”
“Well, didn’t a certain someone once tell me to keep my dreams to myself?” I leaned my forehead against hers. “If I went around telling people I wanted a baby right now, they’d call me crazy and tell me I had no business considering that. So I kept it to myself. But, yeah, nothing would make me happier, even if it would be tough. But you have to be ready.”
She smiled. “I will be someday.”
“I can’t wait to share that with you.”
“Wow,” she murmured.
“What?”
“You really do love me, don’t you?”
I ran my hand down her back. “Why would you doubt that?”
“I don’t. But seeing how you would’ve been okay with being bound to me for life really brings it home.”
“I’d like to be bound to you for life whether we have a kid or not.”
My hands shook as I considered whether I should go with my original plan. The moment she’d told me she was taking a test, I’d wanted to do the right thing and ask her to marry me. She didn’t realize it, but I’d come prepared to do the right thing— tonight. But as I stood before her now, I realized asking Nicole to marry me wasn’t just the right thing, it was what I wanted regardless of whether or not there was a baby in the picture.
“I need to confess something…” I told her.
She licked her lips. “Okay…”
“I was sure you were pregnant—after the time we didn’t use protection. I was so certain you were carrying my child…that I’d planned to ask you to marry me tonight.”
Her mouth dropped. “Tonight?”
I nodded. “I have a ring in my pocket right now. It’s not a great ring. But it was going to have to do.”
“You bought a ring?” She blinked. “When?”
“Earlier today.”
“That fast? Where did you get it?”
“I went to a pawn shop. Tina gave me some gold to sell to help cover the cost. It’s small, but it’s real.” Shaking my head, I looked down at the ground and laughed. “I’m a little embarrassed to show it to you.”
She covered her mouth. “Oh my God. I can’t believe you were about to propose to me!”
“The thing is…I was pumped to ask you. I do want us to get married.”
Her mouth curved into a smile. “So do I.”
“You want to, then?” An impulsive urge came over me. “Get married?” Excitement rushed through me. “I’m talking about, like, now . Tonight or tomorrow. Let’s just do it.”
“Are you serious?” Her mouth fell open. “You mean go to a courthouse?”
I shook my head. “Let’s do something crazy, like go to Vegas for a couple of nights. Tomorrow, maybe.”
Her cheeks turned red. “Our families will kill us.”
“We don’t need to tell them until we’re ready. That’ll be the beauty of it—our little secret.”
She bounced up and down. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I want to do it. Am I insane for loving you so much that I want to skip the wedding altogether? Are we insane?”
“I should probably propose for real, then.”
Nicole covered her mouth. “Oh my God. What is happening right now?”
I got down on one knee and sighed. “I just feel like you deserve a better ring.”
She looked down at me. “Is the ring from you?”
“Yes.”
“Then it’s the only ring I want. It doesn’t matter what it looks like.”
It felt like that was my cue. I paused a moment to gather my thoughts and took both her hands in mine.
“Nicole, today was one of the most stressful yet beautiful days of my life. It’s made me realize even more how much I love you. We might not be having a baby, but it’s clearer to me than ever that I want a future with you, whether we’re blessed with a child or not.” I took the velvet pouch out of my pocket and held out the small solitaire. It was only about a quarter of a carat, but the diamond sparkled brightly. “Know that someday, if I ever make it big, the first thing I’m gonna buy you is the ring of your dreams. But for now, I hope you’ll wear this one.”
I placed it on her finger, and it fit like a glove.
“I don’t need the ring of my dreams if I have the man of my dreams,” she told me. “From the moment I laid eyes on you, that’s who you’ve been to me. But honestly…” She looked down at her hand. “It’s perfect. And I’m not just saying that. This is the only ring I ever want to wear.” She paused. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, baby.” I stood and wrapped my arms around her, lifting her into the air. “I promise to make you happy.”
“You already do, more than anything in the world.”
The following night, we flew to Vegas and got married in secret. I promised to always protect her, to never let her down.
Little did I know at the time, that was a huge lie.