Chapter 30
CHAPTER 30
ATTICUS
Delirious Jones had continued working on our upcoming album in the desert. There was a hidden studio here that we’d used to record our last few albums. It was the perfect remote location. We had probably a couple of weeks left before we’d have it done.
During our final break of the day, Tristan sat down beside me. “Hey, man. You seem distracted. Everything okay?”
“I am distracted,” I admitted.
“Why?”
“Nicole just called. She met Christian and Giselle today.”
His eyes went wide. “Are you kidding? How did that come about?”
“Long story, but she met up with them at a park while he was playing.” I exhaled.
“Well, I can see why your mind was elsewhere. That’s huge.”
I shook my head. “I should’ve been there.”
“Yeah, but she clearly didn’t want you to be.”
“I think it was more that she couldn’t wait. It was eating away at her, and she needed to do it, with or without me.”
“Why don’t you go to New York, if that’s where your heart is right now?”
“How is that an option in the middle of recording?”
He shrugged. “If I say we need a break, we need a break. Are you forgetting that I make the rules around here?”
“Fuck you, Tristan,” Ronan said as he waltzed in. “ I make the rules.” He looked between us. “What rule am I enforcing right now?”
“Nicole just met Christian back in New York. I think Atticus should go be with her.”
Ronan smacked my arm. “Holy crap, man.”
“I know.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I can’t concentrate for shit today.”
“Well, you’re no good to us here if you’re not at the top of your game,” Tristan said. “It’s almost the weekend anyway. Go for a few days. See your son. See Nicole. We can reconvene next week. We’ve stayed on schedule all this time. A few days isn’t gonna make or break us.”
“ I give you permission to do that,” Ronan added.
Tristan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I don’t think my wife will complain about having my full attention for the weekend.”
Ronan sighed. “What the hell am I gonna do while you two are all up in your love fests?”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” I couldn’t get out of the desert fast enough. “Let’s finish for today so I can book my flight.”
***
The following afternoon, I arrived in New York. I’d nearly forgotten how damn cold it was here in January. Due to our hectic recording schedule, I’d only been back to the city once in the past few months. That was the longest I’d ever gone without seeing Christian. And Nicole had ironically been back in Monksville that weekend, so we hadn’t crossed paths.
Originally, I’d thought my first stop today was going to be Nicole’s. But she was still working, so as soon as I landed, I called Giselle to see what my son was up to. Apparently, Christian had a playdate with another toddler this afternoon, but I arranged to pick him up this evening and keep him with me overnight. He had his own room in the apartment I kept in the city. I tried to spend as much time as possible with him when I was in town, and I could give Giselle and David a break, too. That was the least I could do and yet not nearly enough.
Only having a few days here, I didn’t want to waste a second. There was something I knew I had to do if I was going to move on. Just like I imagined Nicole had felt yesterday when she went to meet Christian, I didn’t think this could wait much longer, either. If Nicole could put aside her fear and meet my son and Giselle, I needed to confront the thing I knew I had to get past if she and I were going to have a second chance.
Julian worked at a financial company in Midtown on East 53 rd Street. I hopped the subway and went to his building, taking the elevator up to his office. No one seemed to care as I walked straight past reception. Great security they have here . I marched through the busy office until I finally spotted him. Julian was working in his cubicle when he noticed me.
He flinched as he looked up. “What the fuck?”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to shoot up the office.”
He looked around. “What are you doing here?”
“You and I need to talk.”
He lowered his voice. “You have some balls barging into my office like this.”
“Yeah, well, it can’t wait.”
“There’s nothing to say. Nicole and I aren’t together anymore. So why don’t you just leave me alone?”
“There’s a lot left to say. There’s a lot I still don’t understand.” I paused, willing myself to stay calm if I wanted any chance of him agreeing to talk to me. “Look, I know you don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to talk to me. But I would greatly appreciate it if you could give me a half-hour of your time.”
“You know that I’m in the middle of my workday and can’t just leave, right? Some of us have traditional jobs where we have to answer to people.”
I nodded. “You have a point. I’ll wait for you to get off work then. When’s a good time to meet you out front?”
He sighed and looked at his phone. “I can be down there at four.”
That was an hour from now. I could kill some time in this area. I hadn’t eaten since I landed. “Thank you. I’ll see you then.”
I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I visited a deli down the street and forced myself to eat a pastrami sandwich. At ten minutes before four, I went back to Julian’s building and waited not so patiently for him to walk through the revolving glass doors. In the meantime, someone recognized me, so I put on my best fake smile and posed for a photo. Nothing like having to seem happy when you felt miserable and anxious.
When I spotted Julian coming out, I straightened.
He noticed me right away. “Where do you want to talk?” he asked.
“There’s a park about a block away with some benches.”
He nodded, and we walked in tense silence until we arrived at the park. I took a seat on one of the benches, and he followed suit.
He fidgeted as a couple of pigeons landed by our feet. They quickly flew away as if sensing some shit was about to go down that they wanted no part of. When Julian finally looked at me, I could see the fear in his eyes. He thought I was going to try to kick his ass again.
“Relax. I’m not gonna hit you or go ballistic.”
“And why should I believe that, based on your history?”
“You’re just gonna have to trust me this time.”
He crossed his arms and huffed. “What do you want to talk about?”
I rubbed my palms on my pants. “I need to know what happened between you and Nicole. How it came about. Who initiated things. I need to know the whole story,” I explained. Am I actually asking for this? But the only way past my trauma was through the fire. If I couldn’t hear this story, I was never going to move on. Nicole had inspired me to grow some balls.
“Why would you want to torture yourself with that information?”
“Because if I can’t face the things that haunt me, they’ll never go away. And I’m at a point now where I really want my life back. I can’t get my life back without getting my wife back. I can’t be the man she needs until I’ve faced the hard stuff.” I swallowed hard. “And there’s nothing harder for me than the idea that you and she were together.”
After a few seconds, he nodded. “You want me to tell you everything?”
“Start from the beginning,” I said, taking a page out of Dr. Jensen’s book.
“The beginning was that I didn’t even know you guys weren’t together when I ran into her one night in the city. It was never some premeditated vendetta like you seem to think. I’d just moved here from New Jersey for my job, and it was really nice to see Nicole after such a long time—like a slice of home in an unfamiliar place.” He shook his head. “But the moment I asked her about you, she broke down. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was right after you’d told her you were having a child with someone else.”
I blew out a breath and nodded. “Alright...”
“To my surprise, she told me everything. And honestly…I just felt so bad for her. I wasn’t thinking about taking advantage of the situation. It wasn’t like that at all, even if you think I’m full of shit. She was clearly messed up and in no way ready for me to make a move on her. But what I could do was be a friend. I’ve always really liked Nicole. You know that. And I’m not talking about just physical attraction. I’m not freaking blind, but she was always smart and really cool. I still cared about her when I ran into her that night in the city. It sucked to see her so hurt. She needed a friend.”
I narrowed my eyes as the weight of all that washed over me. “You’re saying you were just friends when it started?”
He nodded.
“For how long?”
“I don’t remember exactly, but we were friends for a long while after that first meeting—several months, maybe. She wasn’t ready for anything more. And I wasn’t too keen on being someone’s rebound, believe it or not. I liked her, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew she hadn’t gotten over you, and I wasn’t sure she ever would.” He exhaled. “But over time, we did grow closer and things evolved. She at least knew she could trust me because she’d known me for so long. After we started dating, I definitely fell in love with her, and she…” He laughed angrily. “Well, she fell a little bit less in love with you. Maybe that’s the best way to put it. She was never over you, just learning to forget a little. I was never completely sure I could get her to want me for me. But that didn’t stop me from trying.”
I clamped down on the intense jealousy brewing inside of me. “You’re still in love with her?”
He nodded. “I think I’m the better person for her. But it doesn’t matter what I think, does it?”
I looked up at the sky. His relationship with Nicole had always seemed hard to believe, but hearing him explain how it had evolved—more slowly than my imagination had led me to believe—did make some sense. He’d been there to pick up the pieces of her heart that I had shattered. And I couldn’t entirely fault him for that.
“I didn’t set out to hurt you or take advantage like you seem to think,” he continued after a moment. “It was never about you . Nicole turned to me to keep from going off the deep end. And you? You slept with random women and dove deeper into the rockstar life. At least with me she was safe. She was protected.” He looked over at me. “I don’t know what else you want me to say.”
He had a point. There wasn’t much left to say. I needed to stop digging while I was ahead. “Thank you for talking to me.”
“That’s it? You’ll let me go now?”
“What else did you think I was going to do?”
“With you I have no fucking idea what to expect. The last couple of times I’ve seen you, you tried to attack me.”
“I’m done with that.”
“Well, that’s good, at least.” He cracked a slight smile and stood. “Have a good rest of the night.”
I watched as he walked away but felt compelled to call after him. “Julian…”
He turned back around. “What?”
“Thank you for looking after her when I couldn’t.”