Chapter 31
CHAPTER 31
NICOLE
Today was a big deal. It felt like I was being paid a visit by royalty, so I had to make my apartment perfect.
Atticus was bringing Christian by this afternoon, and I had no idea what to do to entertain a toddler. Atticus had come into town yesterday, but I’d told him to spend the evening with his son and we’d get together today.
My place wasn’t set up for kids. I was also a little worried that Christian would recognize me as the weird lady from the park. Or worse, that he wouldn’t recognize me at all, and I’d have to start all over again. And what if he didn’t like me this time?
When the bell rang, I rubbed my sweaty palms on my shirt and rushed to the door. I opened it, swiping a hand down my hair. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Atticus smiled, holding Christian in his arms.
The sight nearly broke me in half.
“Hi.” Christian mimicked his father, waving his little hand.
I tugged on his striped shirt. “Well, hello there.”
Atticus leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. “Can we come in?”
“Of course.” I moved aside.
As they stepped into the living room, I took a good look at them. It had been surreal seeing Christian for the first time the other day, but it was even more surreal seeing the two of them together: the love of my life and his mini-me.
“I don’t know which of you is more handsome. You both have the same face.”
Atticus put Christian down. The toddler’s eyes sparkled, his cheeks rosy and big as he began to run around my living room excitedly.
Atticus stepped into gear, chasing after him. “Slow down, Bubba.”
“It’s okay. He can roam around,” I said.
Giggles escaped the boy as he ran down the hall.
“Yeah, but he’ll get into stuff he’s not supposed to.”
Apparently, I knew nothing about the potential dangers here. It made me feel like a kid in this situation myself. I followed the chase. “He’s fast on his feet, huh?”
“You have no idea.” Atticus caught him, lifting Christian and tilting him upside down as the boy giggled harder.
A child’s laughter certainly had a way of soothing even a bitter soul like mine.
The second Atticus put him down, Christian took off again, running into my kitchen. He began opening all of the bottom-cabinet doors.
I chuckled. “He’s a little explorer.”
“He’s loving that you don’t have anything childproofed. He’s not used to being able to open everything like this. He’d ransack my place, if I let him get away with it. I’ve got locks on everything.”
I winced as Christian slammed one of the cabinet doors. “I guess I live in a danger zone.”
He took out one of my pots, turned it bottom up and began banging the top of it. I found a wooden spoon in the drawer and handed it to him. He flashed an adorable grin as he whacked it against the stainless steel.
“He understood the assignment.” Atticus laughed.
“He’s a little drummer boy like his daddy, huh?”
“Let’s hope.” Atticus shrugged. “Or maybe not. His life will be a lot simpler if he stays away from that scene.”
I gestured over to the counter. “I ordered pizza for us. I hope he likes pizza.”
“Are you kidding? It’s his favorite thing to eat.”
I smiled. “Oh good.”
I’d gotten two large pies, which might’ve been too much. I set one of the boxes on the kitchen table, along with some plates.
“What does he like to drink?”
“Water’s fine.”
That seemed so boring. “Are you sure? I bought lemonade, too.”
“Water’s good. He had some candy earlier. He doesn’t need the extra sugar. He’ll be up all night.”
I nodded, impressed.
Atticus sat, placing Christian on his lap.
He opened the box and took out a slice of pizza, taking a bite to test whether or not it was too hot. I watched as he used a napkin to dab some of the grease off the top. Finally, he held the slice up to Christian’s mouth and fed it to him. Every bit of it made my heart squeeze and ache at the same time. He was much more experienced at this than I’d ever imagined. Perhaps it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, given that he’d been a dad for two years now.
“This is surreal,” I confessed. “Both seeing Christian and watching you as a dad. You take care of him very well.”
He smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot.” Atticus kissed the top of Christian’s head. “I love being his father. But the truth is, I’m not here for him enough. I live with a lot of regret about that.”
I nodded. There was so much that Atticus had never been able to share with me until now. I’d shut him down at every turn. I smiled down at the boy as he chomped his pizza. “He doesn’t seem to be holding it against you.”
“He definitely doesn’t. He’s always happy to see me. That makes me even sadder sometimes. One day when he’s old enough to realize I’m essentially choosing to live away from him, he might start to resent it. I worry he’ll wake up one morning and be like, ‘Wait a minute, that asshole should’ve been here every day.’”
“Actually, maybe one day he’ll wake up and realize who his famous father is and be proud to tell everyone.”
“I want him to be proud of me for reasons other than my fame, though, you know? And I still have a lot of work to do where that’s concerned. David is the one who’s there for him more, so I worry Christian will end up closer to him than he is me. He’s too young to play favorites now, but when it comes time to get involved in sports and all that…who’s gonna be the one tossing the ball around with him day in and day out, you know?”
“You’re doing the best you can right now,” I assured him. “That’s very evident to me.”
He took a slice of pizza for himself and bit into it. “I’m banking on Tristan having a kid, and then he’ll want to slow down a bit. Delirious Jones can’t continue at our current pace forever.”
“You think Tristan and Emily will have kids soon? They just got married.”
“Well, Emily still has plenty of time, but hopefully they won’t wait too long, because Tristan is getting old as fuck.” Atticus cringed when he realized what he’d just said. “Sorry, Christian. You didn’t hear that word.”
“Fuck!” the little boy repeated.
“No, no, no. Don’t say that.” Atticus sighed. “I’ve been scolded more than once for teaching him bad words. It’s my area of weakness.”
I chuckled. “What is Ronan gonna do if you guys scale back to spend more time with your kids?”
“Same thing he always does—smoke weed and eat out of our refrigerators, at least until he meets someone and settles down.”
“What are the chances of that happening?”
Atticus shrugged. “Ronan’s very picky, so I’m not sure. He says he wants to settle down someday , but I’m not sure I believe him.”
Atticus wiped Christian’s hands and mouth every so often so they never got too greasy. He was talking to me, yet his mind was still on his child. His life had really changed in the past couple of years. And in turn, he had really changed, yet his feelings toward me hadn’t.
“So…” Atticus cleared his throat. “I have a confession.”
I suspected I knew what this was about. “You went to see Julian.”
Atticus nodded. “He told you?”
“He did.”
“I figured he might.”
“What possessed you to go see him when you’re only in town for a few days?”
“You inspired me to be brave. I’d never allowed him to explain himself, never opened myself to the truth. And while I don’t think I’ll ever feel good about the idea of you and him, I can better understand how it happened now.”
“He’s not a bad person. He was good to me.”
“I realize that. Even if I still want to kill him. I don’t think that itch will ever go away. But I probably won’t actually do it.”
“Well, that’s good at least—for him.”
He winked. “Wouldn’t want to set a bad example for my son.”
“More!” Christian cried as he pointed to request another slice.
“You got it, buddy.” Atticus reached for another piece of pizza, repeating the process of soaking up the grease with a napkin.
I smiled. “Is the pizza good, Christian?”
He nodded happily.
“Good.”
Atticus again kissed the top of his head. “Thank you for having us.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
His eyes lingered on mine, and I sensed a hunger in them. Good thing Christian was here as a buffer. I’d missed Atticus so much and wouldn’t mind a repeat of California one bit.
“You look so beautiful,” he said. “I missed you tremendously.”
“I missed you, too.”
After Christian finished eating, we brought him into the living room and put on a kid’s show Atticus was able to find with my basic cable. Christian chose a spot on the floor as his gaze locked on the television.
“Giselle limits his TV watching, so whenever he comes to my place, he’s glued to the screen like this. He’ll be good here in this spot for a while.” I felt Atticus’s hand on my waist. “Come here for a minute. I want to ask you something.”
Atticus led me around the couch, which blocked Christian’s view from the floor. Before I could blink, Atticus pulled me in for a kiss. I whimpered at the shock, gradually melting into his arms. He groaned into my mouth, causing a rush of desire to travel from my head to my toes.
“Fuck. I’ve been dying to do that since the moment I walked in the door,” he muttered, kissing me harder.
He pulled back, glanced over the couch, and wrapped his hands around my face as he returned his mouth to mine.
Feeling a bit too turned on, considering the circumstances, I stepped away. “We’d better stop before he sees us.”
“Him seeing me kiss the woman I love wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” Atticus rubbed his thumb along my cheek. “I want him to get to know you as the most important woman in my life. But it’s not gonna happen overnight.” He exhaled. “Listen, I need to clarify something in case it’s not completely clear…”
I swallowed. “Okay.”
“Delirious Jones goes on tour soon, and I’m afraid that’s gonna create a huge divide between you and me again. But I need you to know that the days of me being stupid and messing around on tours are over. That was only ever a vain attempt to get over you. Now that you’re back in my life, I don’t ever want to be with anyone else, and I’m not going to be.” He looked into my eyes. “I need you to believe me. I know we’re taking things slow, but I want you to understand me when I say I have no plans to undo any of the progress we’ve made.” He looked at me a moment, but I said nothing. “What are you thinking right now?” he asked.
I sighed. “If it were easy for us to pick up where we left off before everything happened, that would be too good to be true. I do think we need to take some time before we jump back into anything. While you’re away, I need to continue working on my own stuff.” I looked over the couch at Christian. “Meeting this beautiful boy was only part of the process. Just like you’ve been seeking therapy, I need to do the same. I’ve talked about it, but never actually went. I owe it to you to work out any lingering fears because I would never want to become a part of his life only to disappear.”
Atticus nodded, seeming relieved at my answer. “I think that’s a good idea. I’m convinced everyone should be in therapy.”
“Well, especially people as fucked up as us.” I winked.
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “Hey, how’s Mimi? I’ve spoken to her on the phone, but obviously that’s different than being there.”
“She’s okay. Her health and mobility aren’t getting any better, but things are stable. She really likes Fiona, so that’s been a blessing.”
He shook his head. “When I left Monksville, I promised myself I would visit her the next time I came to New York. But this trip, I’m on borrowed time, so getting out to New Jersey before I have to head back to L.A. would be impossible.”
“Next time.” I smiled. “She doesn’t know you’re here. And it’s more important that you spend time with Christian. Anyway, Mimi’s showed me the videos you’ve been sending to Fiona’s phone for her. She loves getting to see your face every week.”
“Well, I regret those years of no contact with her so much. An occasional phone call and those videos are the least I can do.”
Christian suddenly appeared at our side. He handed Atticus a piece of candy. “Open, please.”
Atticus’s eyes widened. “Where did you get that?”
Shit. “I forgot I have those mint lifesavers in a jar on the end table.”
“You can’t have this, buddy. It’s a choking hazard.”
I frowned. “I have a lot to learn about babyproofing, huh?”
“Well, by the time you figure it out, he probably won’t need it anymore. So don’t kill yourself.”
I sighed. “What are you guys up to tonight?”
“I’m taking him back to my apartment, giving him a bath, reading him a story, and putting him to bed. A wild and crazy evening.” He lifted his son. “You wouldn’t want to come with us, would you?”
Despite the hopeful look in his eyes, that didn’t feel right. “I think you should have some alone time with your baby boy tonight. But what time is your flight tomorrow?”
“Noon.”
“Maybe we can meet for breakfast before you have to go?”
“That’s not as nice as sleeping next to you would be, but I’ll take what I can get. I’m in no rush as long as we’re moving forward.” Atticus caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. “You gave me everything I ever dreamed of back in California. I’ll never forget that night. But I’d rather go slow and steady than risk losing you again.”
“Daddy, who dat?” Christian asked, pointing at me.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “He’s finally trying to figure that out. Great question, buddy.”
Atticus hugged him close. “That’s Nicole. You guys share Daddy’s heart.”