Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Penelope tossed and she turned as she tried to fall asleep.
She threw back the covers. She pulled them up to her chin.
She attempted to clear her mind and find a sense of peace that might see sleep finally arrive.
But as the minutes dragged on, she knew that sleep was not going to find her on this night.
She knew too the reason why.
Of course I do! It has been building inside of me all day… no, all week. And tonight, where I have tried to deny it, to fight against it, to pretend it is not there, it would be like ignoring the sun as it shone on my face.
The realization was on her, but Penelope was still not ready to admit the truth.
At least not until she knew how the one person that really mattered felt – if they were of the same mind, or if she was reading into everything that which had happened.
Only then might she finally be ready to speak it out loud.
For that reason, knowing she could not sleep, and knowing that she could not face this weekend without an answer, Penelope climbed from her bed, threw a robe over her shoulders, and slipped from her bedroom.
The hallways were silent as she walked, the only sounds those of her beating heart and heavy breathing.
It was funny that she so often thought of herself as a strong and confident woman, forced to become one these last three years.
And now, on her way to do that which she had no choice in, she had never felt so afraid.
But that did not stop her. If anything, it pushed her forward. By the time this night ended she would have her answer, and for better or for worse, it would change everything.
So it was that she found herself outside of the duke’s bedroom door.
She raised her hand and curled it into a fist, heart still racing, eyes flicking to the crack in the doorway where she could see the light coming from inside. Dorian was still awake, and she wondered if he could not sleep for the same reason as herself.
A soft knock on the door and she held her breath.
“Yes?” his voice called from inside.
“D… Dorian,” she stammered. “I… are you awake?”
His footsteps hurried across the room. Pausing at the doorway, she could almost picture him standing there, no doubt as confused as she was feeling. After some seconds, the sound of locks unclicking and she caught her breath just as the door swung open.
“Penelope?”
This was a bad idea…
That thought struck her the moment her eyes landed upon the duke. Where she knew that she had to speak with him, for it was the only thing that she could do, what Penelope had not considered was the time of night and the state the duke might be in.
As if this wasn’t going to be hard enough.
His dark hair was a matted mess atop his head.
His face was cloaked in shadow, as his large body blocked the light from the fire coming from inside the room.
This had the effect of making him appear even bigger than usual, his massive frame leering over her in a way that was dominating and powerful.
And that wasn’t to mention the fact he was dressed only in a loose-fitting nightshirt, unbuttoned to show black curls covering his upper chest, high enough on his thigh that at a glance she spied his bare skin…
naked and exposed beneath that thin piece of linen.
Her mouth dropped open and her stomach almost left her.
“Is something the matter?” he asked.
Just that I find myself in your chambers of a night, you nearly naked, me not much different, here to ask a question that will either force me to leave before this weekend starts, or change completely the dynamics of whatever we thought this relationship was…
“N – no,” she stammered. “Not at all.”
“My sister…” His brow furrowed and he looked past her as if expecting Barbara to be with her.
“She is fine,” Penelope said. “I mean… I assume she is. I am not here for her.”
“Then why are you here?”
The lie came quickly, because she was not quite ready to ask the real question. “I wished to apologize. I thought I might do so tomorrow, but I had trouble sleeping and…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “That is the reason why.”
“Apologize? Whatever for?”
“Albina,” she said. “The way she spoke to you earlier. She should not have done so, and I am sorry for her behavior.”
It was subtle, but she could have sworn she saw a shadow of disappointment pass behind Dorian’s eyes. The vague notion that he had hoped she was here for a different reason.
“Oh…” He gave his head a shake. “That is fine. You did not have to – she is not your responsibility. And Joseph has already given me her apologies.”
“He has?” she pretended to sigh with relief, ignoring the way her heart raced. “That is… that is good. She should not have spoken –”
“No doubt she knows it,” he said with a soft smile. “Would you believe she did so on your behalf?”
Penelope leaned back. “What do you mean?”
“She has quite a low opinion of me, if you would believe it. Thinks that all your suffering is to be lain at my feet.” More laughter and she was surprised to see how well he was taking it, that Albina’s words did not affect him as they should have.
“I suppose she can’t be blamed for such a thought.
Although I do wish she was a little more subtle about voicing her concerns. ”
“I will speak with her.” And I will do more than that! Embarrassment flooded Penelope. “And please know that I did not… I never told her to… I had no idea that she would say anything. Nor did I give her a reason to think such things.”
“But I did,” he said. “Do not fear, for Joseph has put her in her place.”
“Good.”
“In truth…” He laughed, and she was surprised at how comfortably he was behaving, no sense at all that her being here was causing him alarm. “Your cousin reminded me a little of you. Perhaps that’s why I have a soft spot for her.”
“Of me? What does that mean?”
“When you first arrived here,” he explained. “You might not have been quite as rude as she was, but you were just as sharp with your tongue. I wonder who taught it to whom…”
Penelope could not help but laugh. “Oh, I was not that bad.”
“You were worse,” he corrected. “Much worse.”
“Yes, well…” Despite the humor in the conversation, Penelope could feel the tension sitting just below the surface. She stood on one side of the doorway, the duke on the other. Less than a foot between them and where it was too dark to see his face clearly, she could see his eyes.
They sparkled in the darkness. No longer sad as they had once been, there was that sense that he could see through her – almost as if he could read her mind.
Did he know why she was here? Did he expect it?
And did that mean that she had no reason to worry or overthink? That he… that he wanted the same…
“I have changed much since then,” she said softly.
“Not too much, I hope,” he said. “I rather liked that about you.”
“Like what?”
He shrugged. “That you are not afraid to speak your mind. To stand up to me, even. It is a rare thing to find a woman who speaks her mind truly, and not what she thinks others wish to hear.”
That sounded purposeful to Penelope, again the sense that Dorian knew why she was here. He wants me to ask the question…
Penelope found that she was having a hard time breathing.
The robe she wore felt as if it weighed ten pounds so that she was sweating.
But she did what she could to ignore it, a deep breath, focusing the best she could as she tried to sort through her frazzled feelings and come up with a way to speak of that which was plaguing her.
That which had been doing so now for a full week… for years, if I am honest with myself. But it is only now that I have come to realize it.
“Dorian, I…” Her body was shaking. “I did not come here to apologize about Albina.”
“Oh?”
“No.” She firmed up and forced herself to meet Dorian’s eyes. “I’ve been thinking lately about… about our agreement. The child, and… and if this party is… is up to your standard, that after you and I… that we…” She laughed awkwardly. “You know…”
“I won’t go back on my word, Penelope, if that is what you are worried about.”
“No, not that,” she said. “It’s what happens after.” Again, a lump appeared in her throat, and she swallowed it.
“Oh…” For the first time, Dorian appeared nervous, his huge frame seeming to shrink back in the darkness. “After. What do you mean?”
“I have been thinking a lot about the child – why I wanted one in the first place. And I’ve realized that…
or I think I have, anyway. For most of my life, I looked after my father, cared for him, made him my life.
And when he passed away, that purpose that was everything I lived for, it was gone.
” She laughed nervously, needing to because the tension was getting too much.
“You probably don’t have any idea what I’m talking about. ”
Dorian was looking right at her, the deep blue of his eyes once again appearing sad in the way she had come to know. “You’re wrong,” he said, his voice dropping. “I know it. A little too well.”
She forced a smile, her breathing still shaking. “It is that purpose that I have been missing. I hope that a child will fill it. I still believe that is the case. Only these last few days, I have started to wonder… I have been thinking… things are not so clear and… and… She could say it.
It was not such an easy thing to ask as she had thought.
Penelope could still not say how she felt exactly about her husband.
But she could say that she did not hate him, that she was not reviled by him, that she was finding herself drawn to him in ways that might have once seemed impossible.
That despite everything, she was starting to wonder if there might be a future there.
If she was to bring a child into this world, would it not be better to do so with a husband by her side?
Was that not the entire point of marriage in the first place?
Even if she could not say how she felt about Dorian, she wanted to know if he thought the same.
And if he did… what that might mean for them.
But she was shaking. Sweating terribly. Her tongue grew thick in her mouth and the way that Dorian watched her made it all but impossible to speak. She wanted to get the words out, while wanting just as much to turn and run and forget this ever happened.
As much as she was starting to know her husband, in that moment she realized that she did not know him nearly as much as she thought. Certainly not enough to have any idea what he was thinking.
Which in hindsight was why she was caught by such surprise at what he did next.
Dorian came on her without warning.
Her eyes widened as his hulking body swept through the door, one hand wrapping around her waist to pull her forward, the other going to the side of her face so she could not lean away.
On instinct, her mouth opened to protest, her hands pulled up to shove him away, but when his lips found her mouth the fight left her.
Penelope accepted the kiss as if she was breathing in air for the first time.
She felt it fill her lungs, sweep through her body, set it alight so that all the nerves and panic and fear she’d been feeling melted like ice before a roaring hearth.
Her body relaxed, her mouth opened, his tongue found its way inside and their kiss became a most natural and passionate thing.
For a few glorious seconds… Penelope could not say what happened or what she was feeling. She lost herself in that kiss, the taste of the duke, the feel of his warmth.
And that was when the duke pulled away.
She gasped and it felt like a piece of her was being torn free. She lurched and stumbled, caught her footing, eyes wide and panic returning.
Dorian stood back, his face and body still shadowed so she couldn’t make out his expression. She thought to smile, because surely he was doing the same? But she could feel the tension, heavy and unsettling, and she knew before he spoke that his mind was not in the same place as her own.
“I… I should not have done that,” Dorian said, almost sounding ashamed.
“Wh – what?” she stammered, not understanding.
“You should go to bed…” His hand reached out for the door, preparing to close it. “I…” He hesitated, and she thought she saw guilt flash behind his eyes. Shame too. “I’ll see you in the morning.” And then, without another word, he closed the door in her face.
Penelope stood there gaping.
Her heart crashed in her chest. Her mind shattered. All sense of reason fled her, and she had never felt so stupid, so small, so utterly pathetic and lost. And where she might have been confused by what happened, she found in that moment for the first time that she saw everything clearly.
Not that this makes things any better.
It was clear to her now that the duke did not want the same thing as she did. He had given his answer to the question she never even got a chance to ask. And that answer? This weekend was as far as their relationship would go.