Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
It was a day of games, and for most it might be considered the highlight of the entire weekend. For Dorian, it was the hardest day he’d suffered through in living memory.
What he had wanted to spend the day doing was hunting with some of the other men.
While the women busied themselves with such activities as bullet pudding and croquet and lawn bowls and even tug-o-war for the children, the men were off in the nearby forest happy to get away so they might drink and gossip without their wives about.
For Dorian, unable to concentrate, not willing to leave the estate because he felt he needed to keep an eye on his sister and his wife, opted to stay on the grounds and… simply wander.
There was a part of him that was angered, furious at being taken advantage of by Lord Kenbrook.
There was another part that felt guilty, hating that he had put his wife and his sister in a position to be used like this.
And there was a final part that felt resigned because deep down he knew what he was going to do. Not ready to admit such a thing to himself yet, he chose to take the morning so he might think on his options before making the most difficult choice he’d ever had to make in his life.
My sister’s happiness or my own…
If he forced his sister to marry Nicholas Wood then he wouldn’t have to concern himself with Lord Kenbrook’s threats.
He would be free to pursue his feelings for Penelope any way that he wished, and in so doing might find himself falling for her.
And thus, when his sister left and he no longer had her to care for, he’d have a new purpose in life.
The emptiness that threatened to consume him…
it would not matter because Penelope would surely be enough to fill it. She would be enough.
But what of his sister’s happiness? He wanted to believe that she might find happiness with Nicholas Wood if not given another choice, but there was no guarantee. And if she was left miserable, he would be to blame.
On the other hand, if he was to deny Lord Kenbrook then the rumor of his marriage and its failings would seep through the ton and that might very well doom Penelope beyond repair.
Oh sure, if she and he were to work things out it wouldn’t matter.
But if it turned out that they were not compatible and she decided to return home, what then? Her life would effectively be over.
Could he do that to her? And if he did, what then?
In the back of his mind, Dorian considered the obvious.
The child that she had wanted. The final option before him, to give her the child so that even if she was left alone, at least she would have that to keep her company.
Perhaps not the most satisfying of endings, but one that would not doom Penelope completely.
There was no right answer, and that was what troubled Dorian the most.
So, he spent the day deep in thought. And alone.
Most strangely, he noticed too that Penelope did not try and find him.
Stranger still, he did not see her about the grounds with the other guests.
He wondered if she was hiding from him, but that made no sense.
She was not with Barbara. She was not with her sisters or her cousin.
She had vanished, the only possible reason he could conceive being that she did not want him to find her.
But why would that be? As far as she should be concerned, we are finally of the same mind -- or we might be, once we talk. She should be out here right now, hunting me down, desperate to be given the answer I promised her.
It wasn’t until midday that Dorian decided what to do.
The decision came as he watched Barbara from afar.
She was playing lawn bowls with two of Penelope’s sisters and he had never seen her so happy.
That she was eager to be social, that she enjoyed the company of others was proof of how far she had come – that she had it in herself to be happy.
And it was because she was that, that Dorian knew he couldn’t possibly steal such a feeling from her.
After all, had he not spent the last five years determined to help his sister? Putting his own life on hold so that she might find happiness, and even love. Was that not the entire point? To think he might take that from her on a chance, for his own selfish needs… no, he couldn’t do that.
He watched her laugh. He watched her smile. He watched her grown into the woman he knew she could be. And as he did, he determined that the decision needed to be her own.
One more conversation. One more confirmation of what she wanted. And whatever she said, he would do. He was sure he knew the answer, as he was sure what he would have to do once she gave it. But a final chance to find out was all he had left.
She was who mattered most to him. And as for Penelope? He just prayed that she would understand and forgive him. Not that I deserve it…
“Barbara, can I speak to you?” Dorian was waiting by the doorway by the back of the house. As he was, a smattering of the other guests walked by and he made sure to greet them and ensure they were enjoying themselves, typical hosting duties. But it was his sister who he wished to see.
She was with Alexandra and Evelina, having just come from playing lawn bowls.
Sweating a little, hair a mess, he figured they were due to change and clean themselves before settling into the afternoon.
Tonight was to be a grand feast, while the hours before that were left for the guests to spend how they wanted.
“Oh…” Barbara saw him and came to a stop. Arms linked with the two women, she pulled away and fixed them with an apologetic smile.
“Find us after,” Evelina told her. “We’ll be in our rooms.”
“I won’t be long,” she assured them.
Dorian smiled at the interaction, again reminded of how far she had come. Again, reminded of why he was doing this.
“Can we walk?” he asked her, indicating back toward the garden. As he did, he cocked out his arm for her to link. She did so without question.
“Sounds serious,” Barbara joked as they started down the steps. “Need I be concerned?”
Dorian laughed. “I hope not. Can’t a brother ask his sister to go for a walk without it seeming like the end of the world?”
“I suppose we’ll find out,” she joked.
They walked in silence for a few moments, their eyes drifting over the party and the guests. And although Dorian did not mean for it to be the case, he soon found themselves coming upon their mother’s gravestone.
Barbara frowned when she saw it. “Is this what you wanted to talk about?”
He shook his head. “God, no. I know how much you hate being reminded about her.”
“I don’t hate it,” she said. “It just makes me sad.”
They came to a stop before the gravestone, both looking at it with markedly different expressions on their faces.
Where Barbara’s was painted with sadness, Dorian’s was more resigned.
He had never been as close with their mother, as she had also chosen to spend her time with Barbara than with him.
He used to hate her for that, resenting the fact that he had no one because his father chose their older brother to fixate his affections on.
These last few years, however, had seen Dorian change his opinions where his mother was concerned.
He understood now, the importance of caring for those you loved.
Where his mother might have paid him more attention, her world was Barbara, and she did everything that she could to make sure that her only daughter was happy and taken care of.
It was a mandate that Dorian had taken up when he returned home, made harder because Barbara had changed much in the years he was gone.
What had happened to her… he still had no idea. But he didn’t care either. All he cared about was her happiness and as he looked at his mother’s grave, he firmed this belief inside of himself.
“She only ever wanted you to be happy,” Dorian said.
Barbara smiled. “She did that.”
“I just wish she was here to see it.”
“See what?” Barabra snorted. “A daughter who never leaves the house? Who is too scared to go outside…”
“I meant these last few days,” Dorian said softly. “You’ve changed so much this weekend, Barbara. And I couldn’t be more proud of you.”
“Dorian…” She blushed furiously. “It has only been a few days.”
“But the change has been remarkable,” he said. “I hope now you understand that you don’t need to hide yourself away as you have done. That if you take a chance, there is so much out here for you to experience. The world isn’t such a scary thing, when you are brave enough to step into it.”
She rolled her eyes but she could not hide her smile. “I know it. And…” She looked away with embarrassment. “And I wanted to say sorry. Or I thought I should.”
“Sorry? What for?”
“For everything,” she sighed. “I haven’t made things easy on you, Dorian. I know that. It was never on purpose but, well… I suppose I could have been less difficult.”
“Barbara…” Dorian pulled away so he could better look at her. “You have never made things difficult. Perhaps they were not always so easy – but that is not the same. These last few years have been the happiest of my life, and you’re the reason. I need you to know that.”
And that was the truth, as he knew it. Which spoke to the fear he felt, what might happen when she left him. Not something he wanted to focus on, but there nonetheless. The sense that regardless of what he did, he would be trading his own happiness for hers.
She sniffed and tried to roll her eyes again but there were tears brimming in them. “I do. You know I do.”
Dorian pulled his sister into a hug, because he felt that he had to. He would still ask the question, but he knew now that he would not push. What she wanted was what mattered. And as for his own needs? His own happiness? That always came second.
“There is something else…” Slowly, he pulled away.
“Ah…” She sniffed and wiped her nose, smiling as she did. “Here it comes.”
“I am not pressuring you,” he made sure to tell her. “And whatever you say, I will accept it. But I need to ask one more time, Nicholas Wood…” He let the name settle between them.
“Dorian.” Barbara looked away. “Please, don’t make me…”
“You really have no desires on him, do you?”
“No,” she said.
“May I ask why? He is a nice young man. From a good family. And from the little I saw, he cares for you. His father, too, is quite adamant about the match.”
“Lord Kenbrook…” It was subtle, but he saw something change in Barbra when she said the name. Was that fear? Disgust? The sense that Lord Kenbrook was as much the reason for her dislike of Nicholas as anything else? But it was gone quickly. “Do you want him to court me? Nicholas, I mean?”
“I want to know what you want.”
“I told you already,” she said. “And please, don’t pretend this is about me. His father…” Again, a shadow passed behind her eyes. “He has offered you something, hasn’t it?”
“In a fashion…”
Slowly, she shook her head. “Please, Dorian. Don’t make me. I… I can’t… please…” She started shaking from fear—something beyond a mere dislike of the young lord.
That was all the answer that he needed.
Perhaps if she gave it a chance, it might work out.
Was that not how these things usually went?
But his sister was stubborn, she would not give it a chance or want to.
If he forced her to marry Nicholas Wood, she would spurn it, withdraw into herself once more, and from that she might never recover.
“You don’t have to accept his courtship,” Dorian assured her, again pulling her into a hug. “I just had to hear you say it one more time.”
“Thank you.” She held him tight. “I… I am sorry –”
“Don’t apologize,” he cut her off. “Never apologize for being honest. But I want you to promise me one thing.”
“What?” Her arms were around him and he squeezed her tight.
“That after this weekend, you will at least try. There is still a full Season and I would so love to see you attend more balls. The man of your dreams, if such a thing exists, might be out there right now.”
She snorted. “How romantic.”
“I surprise myself, sometimes.”
“I will, Dorian,” she promised him. “I will.”
That was it then. Barbara would not court Nicholas Wood and no threat from his father would change that. Of course, that meant that he would spread the rumor about Dorian’s broken marriage to the ton, which in turn would stain Penelope’s name beyond what it already was.
Dorian tried to focus on the positive, that he would have his sister with him for some time to come. That purpose still there, a person to look after and care for. Only this time, it felt nowhere near as good as it once had.
Guilt was what wrecked him. The pressing shame of what he was doing to his wife. Now, he wondered if it was worth trying harder with her as they had promised to do, because if they somehow managed to make it work then what did it matter about some silly rumor?
And if it didn’t… perhaps a child will be the consolation prize? Although once she finds out what I have done, she might not even want that.
The conversation with Barbara had been easy. The one he needed to have with his wife was going to be next to impossible. He cared for her deeply, and that was what would make it so damn hard.
So much easier when I didn’t care. This, I suppose, is the price I pay for opening myself up to the mere idea that I deserve something more. A lesson learned the hard way, as they always are.