Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The final feast of the weekend party, which was supposed to be the crown jewel of the entire event, was a most awkward affair.
She had spent the day avoiding Dorian – avoiding everyone! In her room, the door closed and locked, she wrestled with the consequences of her actions and how she meant to solve them. Or if solving them was even possible.
On the one hand, she wanted to try and make this marriage work with Dorian. They had grown so close these past two weeks and she truly believed that if they worked at it then there was a real chance that this marriage might grow into something real.
On the other hand, Henrietta’s thinly veiled warning echoed in her head, and she could not escape the feeling that to do so might cause untold consequences that would damn not just Dorian’s reputation but Barbara’s also.
She felt selfish for thinking only of her own needs, and now for the first time had to reckon with the happiness of others.
Was it worth pursuing this on the off chance it might turn into something great?
Or should she return to the shadows so that Barbara might live the life that she deserved.
And what would Dorian say if she told him this?
It wasn’t until she arrived at supper that she wondered if maybe the decision was made for her.
Dorian had not come to see her all day and that was telling.
He hadn’t even checked on her before supper, another sign that he had once again changed his mind.
And when she presented herself in the ballroom where the tables were set and the guests were waiting, his inability to so much as look at her all but confirmed his feelings.
Well… I suppose that is it then. A decision made for me. Likely for the same reason that I was forced to make it.
The ballroom was a hive of activity when she entered as most of the guests were already seated at the long table.
She was dressed in a gown of emerald and gold, rubies adorned her neck and ears, hair worn in tight ringlets and make-up worn so her skin glowed.
It was no wonder that most eyes turned to find her, smiles on faces, hands beckoning her to join them.
All but Dorian, that is.
He sat at the head of the table, paid her a glance, and then went back to speak with Joseph who was on his immediate left. She made her way to the position on his right, stopping to talk to a few of the guests, sharing a joke with her sisters, but not in the moment because her mind was elsewhere.
“You look beautiful,” Dorian said as she sat down. The words were sincere but there was a sadness behind his eyes.
“Thank you,” she said with a soft smile. “As do you… handsome, I mean.”
He laughed. “As was the goal.”
They shared a smile but there was an awkward tension behind it. The sense that they both had more to say but now was not the time.
How could things change so quickly? It was just last night that they shared that kiss and all seemed to be so perfect. And where Penelope knew why she felt the way that she did, she wondered about Dorian. Had he heard the same as she? Or was there another reason?
Time will tell, I suppose. A moment I am not looking forward to.
Thankfully, supper was a chaotic and noisy affair and Penelope was able to disappear into the clamor. As she did, she watched those nearby, noting a tension that existed beyond her own worries.
Barbara was silent for most of the night, and her gaze flicked from her brother to Nicholas Wood to Lord Kenbrook. She sat with a withdrawn posture, awkward and almost afraid it looked like.
Lord Kenbrook was glaring at Dorian, and scowling at Barbara.
Nicholas Wood looked utterly depressed, his gaze never lifting from his plate and he did not touch his drink. While Henrietta, who sat beside her father, was shifted away from him slightly, the sense that he was angry with her.
Penelope might have thought more about it all.
But her mind was on one thing and one thing only.
And as the supper wore on, she felt the sense of foreboding hovering over her because each time she dared to meet Dorian’s eyes she knew that something was wrong.
And that what was to come would not be a pleasant thing.
In hindsight, when I was first sent that invitation, I should have done as my sisters had said and thrown it out. Saved us both the pain…
“I think you’re crazy,” Evelina said.
“I think you’ve lost your mind,” Albina agreed.
“I think –” Alexandra started, before Penelope cut her off.
“I didn’t ask you all here so you could berate me.” Penelope looked warningly at two of her sisters and her cousin. “I asked you here for your support. Now, are you going to give me it, or not?”
“Penelope…” Evelina sighed and put an arm around her. “Of course we are. But just because we support you, doesn’t mean we think you’re doing the right thing.”
“We get it,” Alexandra agreed, taking her hand. “But surely, you can see where we are coming from.”
“A place of love,” Albina added. “You don’t deserve this, Penelope. No matter what you think.”
“And Barbara does?” Penelope argued. “And Dorian?”
“This isn’t about them,” Evelina pushed. “It’s about you and what you want.”
“What you deserve,” Alexandra chimed in. “You deserve to be happy. Why can’t you see that?”
This was not what Penelope had in mind when she asked two of her sisters and her cousin to join her in her bedroom.
Supper had long since been called to an end, and the remainder of the guests who had not retired for the night were in the drawing room downstairs enjoying a drink as they wound toward the end of their weekend.
Penelope had no desire to be there. That, she realized, would require her to either speak to Dorian or avoid him entirely. Better that she leave him be and seek him after.
Besides, it also gave her a chance to air her grievances to these three women, hoping they would understand the logic in it. That she had decided to leave the estate tomorrow, putting Dorian and this marriage behind her, hoping that was enough to suffocate the rumors that might threaten to spread.
She did not want to do it. She did not relish the conversation she would soon have with her husband. But in her mind, it was for the best. Sacrificing her own chance at happiness so that Barbara might have her own happy ending. And maybe even Dorian, in time.
Of course, her announcement was not well received.
“His Grace should be the one who suffers, not you,” Evelina sighed, still holding her. “And that you are the one who will be blamed… it’s not fair.”
“When is it ever?” Penelope said.
“You could still try,” Alexandra insisted. “I just don’t see why you won’t even do that. Stay here a while, see if you can make it work.”
“That will only make things worse,” Penelope explained, even if she didn’t fully believe it. “Better to cut off the limb now before it has a chance to infect.”
“And then what?” Albina persisted. “Once you return home. What will you do? Never see the duke again? Live alone and grow old the same?”
Penelope felt those words like a knife through her heart.
Yes, that is exactly what I will do… even the thought of having a child did not appeal to her as it had before, because it felt like a substitute for what she truly desired.
If she bore that hoped-for child now, all it would do was remind of her what she had lost.
“When will you tell him?” Evelina asked.
Penelope was about to answer her, explaining she would wait until the guests went to bed and then find the duke in his chambers. But a knock at the door put an end to those plans.
“Penelope…” the duke’s voice floated from beyond the closed door. “Are you there?”
Penelope’s eyes widened. She looked to the three women as if for support, the time suddenly upon her, not certain if she had what it took to go through with it.
“Y – yes,” she stammered. “Come in.”
The door opened and in walked the duke.
His brow tightened to see that she was not alone. “I’m not disturbing you, am I?”
“N – no,” she said. “They were just leaving.” She widened her eyes at the three women, warning them against saying anything.
“I suppose I should find my husband,” Evelina sighed.
“As should I,” added Albina.
“If you need anything,” Alexandra was sure to add, giving her hand one final squeeze. “Please, come and find me.”
The three women left her then, each offering a final look of morose sadness and pity before sifting from the room. The door closed behind them, clicked shut, and that left Penelope alone with Dorian.
He stayed by the door, not moving to be near her. She too, staying back, sensing the tension like a brick wall sitting between them.
“I wasn’t interrupting anything, was I?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he said. “I… I was surprised you skipped drinks.”
“I was not in the mood.”
“Ah, fair enough. It’s been a rather big weekend,” he agreed.
“For many reasons,” she said.
He nodded his agreement, a half-smile, but it died on his lips.
There were only a few feet between them but it felt like miles of distance.
Penelope was reminded of when they had first married, two strangers who did not know how to act around the other.
Gone was the ease of the previous night.
The desire and the pull they had both felt toward the other disappeared.
If I did not know before, I know it now. This marriage, whatever it might have been, is over.
“Dorian, I –”
“I need to tell you something,” he spoke over her. He was not looking at her when he did, speaking into his body as he stared at her chest. “Something that does not come easy, but it must be said.”
“Oh…” She hesitated, knowing what he would say, but finding it no easier to reckon with. “If you insist.”
He took a deep breath. “Last night, what was said, I want you to know that I meant every word, Penelope. Truly, these last few weeks have been a revelation and I will never forget them. What it has done is…” A smile touched his lips.
“It has made me realize that a world exists outside of my own, one that under any other circumstance is one I would very much like to live in.” The smile grew a fraction.
“You are not what I thought, and I wish I realized that sooner.”
“I… thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say.
“But I have been thinking and… this has not come easy… last night…” He was sweating, stammering over his words, unable or unwilling to get them out. “You and I… I wanted to give us a chance – I thought we might be able to. But… it is not… there are other factors which –”
“Dorian, it’s fine.” Penelope spoke over him and then forced herself across the room. “Truly, I know what you are going to say and…” She laughed softly to break the tension. “Would you believe that I was going to say the same thing?”
His head snapped up and he frowned at her. “You were?”
She stood just a few feet away, desperate to reach for his hands, but not willing to make contact. “I too have been thinking a lot today and I have decided that despite what was said last night, that it might be best if we…” She felt her chin wobble. “That I return home tomorrow.”
“You… you are?” She could not tell if he was relieved or broken by the statement.
“I think we know it is for the best,” she said gently.
“We tried, we failed, and that’s all there really is to it.
Not all marriages are meant to work out and…
” Her chin continued to wobble, and she sniffed back tears.
“And that’s not a bad thing. At the very least, I am glad that we were able to be friends. ”
“Friends…”
“Aren’t we?”
Dorian considered her. Brow tight, he looked into her eyes and she prayed that he rejected her words.
That he took her, pulled her into him, placed his lips on her own and kissed her as if his life depended on it.
She needed him to – if he did, she would have happily accepted him. Damn the consequences!
“I hope we are,” he said, his voice a whisper. “Only, I also… I don’t want you to go home empty-handed. We made a deal, you kept your end and I…” He firmed himself up, his expression turned suddenly serious. “It would only be right if I made good on the deal. I said that I would. I owe you that.”
“Oh…” She blinked. “I… you mean…” Cheeks flushing red, she looked away with embarrassment.
“A child,” he said. “You still wish for one, yes? After all, was that not the entire reason you came here?”
The truth of the matter was that Penelope no longer yearned for a child as she once did. She knew now that it would not fill the hole that existed inside of her and might only make things worse.
But when she went to tell him that, her mind moved forwards, picturing the duke taking her to his room, laying with her, being with her for a single night.
It was not the outcome she wanted. It would not make things better – it might make them worse.
However, as things stood, it was the best she could hope for.
And that alone was proof of how she really felt.
“It is,” she said, doing her best to not show her eagerness, as if this was a mere business transaction. As it was always meant to be. “And if you are still willing…”
A soft smile touched his lips and he reached for her hand. “My room, I think. If it pleases you.”
“It does.”
She took his hand and felt a warmth spread up her arm so that she nearly cried out. This was a bad idea, and she simply did not care. She was well past that point by now.
And then, together, as man and wife, Dorian led Penelope from her room and into the hallway. It would be their last night together, so they best make it count. Even if it was sure to make everything that much harder. If such a thing is even possible…