Chapter 26
“So what is he like?” Dorothy asked keenly. “I mean, when you’re on your own with him. What’s that like? I’ve always wondered how it would be to be courted by a duke.”
“Don’t take it so seriously,” Agnes said. “It’s just something that’s happening in the moment. You know full well I’m not likely to marry him.”
“You never know,” Dorothy said. “And either way—as you said, it’s what’s happening now. So you can answer the question. You can tell me what he’s like.”
“Don’t pester her,” Violet said mildly, not looking up from her embroidery. “If she doesn’t want to talk about it, Dorothy, she doesn’t have to.”
“But why wouldn’t she want to talk about it?
” Dorothy asked. “You know, if there’s one thing Agnes loves, it’s a good adventure.
A story to be told. And this is the best example of that any of us have ever been a part of.
This is a fantastic adventure. Whatever happens, don’t you want to make the most of it, Agnes? Don’t you want to savor every detail?”
As recently as a week ago, the answer to that question would have been a very easy yes.
She would have relished telling her friends stories about her time with Gabriel, even if there were things she’d have always kept to herself.
The retelling would have made it feel like she was living it all over again.
That was a part of her adventures she had always loved.
When she thought about her list, she thought about it in terms of the memories she would be creating for herself, little moments she would be able to unpack and savor again and again for the rest of her life.
That was what Dorothy was asking of her. To relive some of her time with Gabriel, and to share it.
And Agnes passionately did not want to do that.
She wanted to forget.
That was a thing she’d never wanted before in her life. Every memory was worth holding on to. But thoughts of Gabriel burrowed into her and made her ache in a way she didn’t know how to face. The sooner it was all behind her, the sooner she would begin to heal.
“You know,” Dorothy went on, “it’s been quite something to watch the way the ton has reacted to this courtship.”
“What do you mean?” Agnes asked. “I haven’t been aware of much of a reaction. I mean, there have been a few looks from people, but no more than you would expect seeing me in a courtship. That was always going to draw some attention.”
“Yes,” Dorothy agreed. “But I’m talking about the way people have responded to him since the beginning of your courtship. I’m sure you know that he’s always been considered highly eligible. People have clamored for his attention.”
“Of course I know that,” Agnes said quietly.
It was strange. She had known that. She’d known it from the beginning. But this was the first time it had bothered her to hear it, and to think about the fact that there were other people out there who wanted him.
When things were over between them, those people would think the window was open for them once more.
And who knew—maybe it would be. She found it hard to imagine Gabriel opening himself up to love and romance, but just because he hadn’t been willing to see that happen with her, that didn’t mean he would resist it forever.
Eventually, it was possible that someone would win his heart.
She knew it would crush her to see it. She didn’t even want to think about it. “Why are you bringing that up?” she asked. “Is it just because everyone has been so disappointed not to be able to pursue him?”
“No, it’s actually the opposite of that,” Dorothy said. “You must have noticed.”
“Noticed what?”
“That people aren’t giving him much attention anymore,” Dorothy said. “At least, not in the way they once did. No one talks about him as a potential suitor. When people stare at him, it’s to see what he’s doing with you, not covetously. Everyone has moved on.”
“That’s only because they know he’s engaged in a courtship, though,” Agnes said. “If it wasn’t for that, they would go right back to swarming him and trying to garner his attention.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Dorothy said. “The way I hear people talk, it sounds like they’ve given up. Like they no longer consider him a romantic prospect at all. Something about their perception of him has changed.”
Agnes was quiet.
That was what Gabriel had wanted. He had said so from the start.
The reason for their sham of a courtship had been to make sure that people would leave him alone.
Once he had felt assured that he would be left to his devices, able to appear in public without anyone clamoring over him, the courtship should have ended.
Gabriel should have ended it.
Was it possible he didn’t know the things Dorothy was saying? Maybe he simply wasn’t aware?
That didn’t seem likely to Agnes. He had been so alert about all of this.
She had never met someone as concerned with reputation as he was.
And while she knew the reason he felt that way was a desire to protect Helena, and she respected him for it, it didn’t change the fact that he was highly aware of the way people perceived him.
If Dorothy had noticed this change, surely Gabriel had noticed it.
And yet…he had done nothing.
He hadn’t ended the courtship.
Why not?
Maybe he doesn’t want to end it. Maybe he likes the courtship. Maybe he’s enjoying himself enough to keep it going even though he’s no longer benefiting from it.
She closed her eyes briefly. Thoughts like that were dangerous, and she shouldn’t be allowing herself to think them.
This was a temporary arrangement. It had always been a temporary arrangement. She was letting herself be blinded by that proposal, by how real it had seemed. How real it had been.
But it wasn’t real. He had done that to give her the experience of a real proposal, not because he had genuinely wanted to marry her. She had been grateful at first. But now she was forced to acknowledge that the whole business had only left her more confused than ever.
Now she almost wished it hadn’t happened.
If he was going to be so unclear with her, then there was only one solution.
In spite of her earlier decision, she was going to have to end their mock courtship, and she was going to have to do so as soon as possible.
Being in this muddled affair with him was only allowing her to dwell in fantasies where he might one day decide that she meant more to him than he had realized.
She was setting herself up for heartbreak.
Agnes was a spinster for a reason. She had never wanted to allow herself to be beholden to a man—in any way, for anything.
If her happiness had become dependent on Gabriel, it was time to end things for good.
Doing it, though, was harder.
The moment she arrived at home, she thought to send him a letter, to let him know that it was time to call things off.
But he had beaten her to it. There was a letter waiting for her.
Her heart clenched as she opened it—would he be the one to make the first cut?
Was this how things ended, with a note informing her that he didn’t want to see her anymore?
I was going to write the very same thing in a note to him, though. I was frustrated with him for keeping things going with me after his goal had been accomplished…how can I possibly be upset now that he’s written to me to end things?
Still, her stomach clenched miserably as she opened the letter. It was all she could do to look at it at all, so certain was she of what she was going to find inside.
As she read the words, she didn’t comprehend them right away. She had to be misunderstanding them. And yet…
Agnes—
The Earl of Marbury is hosting a ball in two days’ time, and I think it would be best if you and I attended.
This time, let us travel together so that we can make a proper appearance—your brother made a good point to me about that.
I can pick you up at your home at sundown, if it suits you.
Please respond and let me know if this is agreeable.
He had signed it simply with his name—Gabriel.
She stared at the words for a moment, trying to understand what she was seeing.
She had been so certain that this was going to be the end of their courtship, but it wasn’t that at all. This letter was about continuing things. Going to another ball.
She should have been frustrated, but all she could seem to feel was sheer relief that it wasn’t over yet.
Furious with herself for that reaction, she went into the sitting room and found a pen and a piece of paper, where she scrawled a quick response. It will be raining that evening.
She wasn’t sure what made her do it—it wasn’t as though she knew what the weather would be in two days. But something ominous hung over her head. It felt like rain. It felt like the world would pour down on them for continuing this charade.
And she wondered what he would make of that statement.
If he’s looking for an excuse to get out of all this, that will give him a good reason to cancel. He can write back and say that he didn’t know the weather would be bad, and that maybe we should just stay home.
At the same time, the thought of rain made her wonder whether they still intended to proceed with her list. If they did, a rainy day would mean the perfect opportunity to complete item number four on the list…
She allowed herself to visualize it for a moment.
That wasn’t something she had given a great deal of thought to, even when she had been making the list originally.
When she had allowed herself to fantasize, the fantasies had been about the thrill of sneaking into a gentlemen’s club, or about the rush of turning down a proposal, or—boldest of all—item number five, that thing she couldn’t even quite form in her mind because it was just so elusive.
But now, list item four overtook her with the idea of it. With how lovely it would be to complete it. It was the thought of doing it with Gabriel specifically, she knew, that was so captivating. So enthralling. And to think of his arms around her as the rain poured down…
But this is probably nothing. Just because I’ve written that it’s going to rain, that doesn’t mean it is going to. It probably won’t happen at all.
Before she could overthink it, she sealed the letter and returned it to the footman who had given her the original message with instructions to take it back. He nodded and hurried off.
At once, Agnes wished she had her message back. She wished she had written something clear rather than being so esoteric. But what would she have said if she had? The truth was that she didn’t know.
With a sigh, she went to her library and sat down in the chair nearest the window, gazing out at the grounds.
She had been so happy here for such a long time. This was the life she had built for herself, and she had come to love it. She hadn’t needed anything more. This was everything she wanted.
And then Gabriel had come along, and now she found herself longing for something more. It was terrible. The life that had always been enough, that had always made her happy, suddenly felt lacking.
What would happen when their courtship inevitably came to an end? What would become of Agnes? Would she always wonder what would have happened if she had only said yes to that proposal?
That was never an option. He didn’t mean it. Even if I had wanted to—truly wanted to—how could I possibly say yes to someone who didn’t really mean it? I couldn’t. I couldn’t spend my life married to someone who didn’t want to be married to me.
That was the darkest fate she could imagine, and not one she was willing to consider.
No, there was only one choice. She had to end this.
But first, she would go to one last ball. There could be no further harm in that.