Chapter 28
The tension between them melted away slowly as they sipped their tea.
It was so nice to be in the house, where it was warm, wrapped in a blanket.
It was nice to have Gabriel in front of her, for that matter, and to know that he was here of his own free will.
He could easily have left if he had wanted to.
She still didn’t understand why he stayed, what he hoped to achieve. But never mind. For now, she would simply give herself permission to enjoy his presence. She could worry about the why of it all later.
Dangerous, a voice in the back of her mind warned her.
You turn a blind eye to too many things, Agnes.
You let too many moments go by without trying to make yourself understand them.
If you continue like this, you’re going to find yourself deeper and deeper in this strange infatuation you seem to have formed with him.
But Gabriel fixed her with his dark eyes, and for the first time, she saw concern there. “Do you feel better now?” he asked her.
“I…yes.” There was temptation to deny that she had felt ill at all, but it would have been a lie.
She had been up all night worrying about what today would bring, and that had taken a toll on her.
She’d woken feeling dizzy and disoriented, without any appetite to speak of, and had barely managed a piece of toast for breakfast. She had skipped lunch altogether.
It was only now, huddled in this chair, that she was fully appreciating just how unwell she truly felt.
“I do feel better,” she told him. “The tea is helping, and so is the first. And…you were right to insist that we stay inside today. I’m really not up for the ball.”
“I could tell you weren’t,” he agreed, sipping his own tea. “Why did you get so upset with me when I suggested that we miss it? I can’t imagine you were that anxious to go.”
“Well, no,” she agreed. “I just…thought you would be. I know how important it is to you to show everyone that you’re in a courtship.”
He shrugged. “People are aware of our arrangement by now,” he said. “I do want to keep making appearances, but it isn’t crucial that we show ourselves at every event.”
“But if people are aware,” Agnes said carefully. She needed the answer to this question, but she was also feeling suddenly and strangely fearful of what it was going to be. She didn’t want to accidentally say anything that would provoke him into ending their arrangement.
I really need to come to a decision about what I want.
That was true—but also, she knew what she wanted.
What she wanted was the entirety of the problem, because what she wanted was for Gabriel to remain in her life as long as he possibly could. And that was a dangerous desire.
She cleared her throat. “If people are aware,” she went on, “then why continue to attend functions with me at all? I mean to say—we’re going to end this thing eventually, aren't we?”
“Yes,” he agreed. “Eventually.”
Was it her imagination, or did he look a little uncomfortable? “Well,” she went on, “why don't we just end it now? I mean, I’m not saying we need to. But you seem determined to press on, and I just…I’d like to understand why you feel that way.”
“It’s difficult, isn't it,” he mused.
“What’s difficult?”
“Understanding each other’s motivations,” he clarified. “I’ve wondered about yours for a while now.”
“What do you mean?” She frowned. “I’ve been clear. My purpose in all of this has been nothing more than to complete the items on my list.”
“Yes,” he said. “And when I agreed to help you with that, I meant it, and I have no regrets about it—but I will admit to feeling some surprise. I was sure after the first item that the list was going to involve things like finding rare books. When you asked to be taken to a gentlemen’s club, I admit I was stunned—but then I thought, perhaps the point of the list is that you wish to experience things that are not open to young ladies of society and good breeding.
Maybe you needed my help for that reason.
And I could have understood that. But then… ”
She watched him, having a feeling of where this was going, unsure of how to feel about it. Her heart raced.
He drew a breath. “As your list went on, I expected the items to become more complex. More difficult. But in a way, they became simpler.”
“You don’t mean to suggest that there was anything simple about that proposal, do you?” she blurted out.
“No,” he said. “But the desire behind it was as simple as they come.”
He narrowed his eyes—not in anger, but in open curiosity.
“Why don’t you wish to marry?”
Her gut clenched. “You aren’t proposing to me again, I hope.” Her voice shook a little as she said it. She wasn’t at all sure that she did hope that.
“No, I’m not,” Gabriel assured her, and Agnes deflated, though whether from relief or disappointment she couldn’t have said.
“I’m just wondering. Why was it so important to you to remain unmarried?
Because after today—after completing list item number four—I know one thing for certain.
It’s not an aversion to romance. If you wanted to dance in the rain, you could have done so at any time, with your friends or on your own.
You needed no assistance in achieving that.
But that wasn’t what you wanted.” He leaned forward.
“You wanted to share a dance with someone. You wanted the connection, and you wanted the romance.”
Agnes was taken aback. For a moment, she forgot to breathe. He was being so intensely forward, so direct about his thoughts—and yet, at the same time, he wasn’t wrong.
She had been disappointed in that dance at first, even though it had been exactly what she had asked for, because it had seemed…
rote. As though he was only doing it because it was the next thing on the list. Not at all like the proposal, which had been special precisely because he had made it seem so real that she had been able to believe, for a moment, that someone truly wanted to marry her.
“If those are things you want,” Gabriel went on, “why resist the idea of marriage? You’re lovely.
You could have found someone who wanted to marry you, if that was what you wanted.
And you said no to my proposal. So I do believe that you are unmarried by choice.
But you seem to long for a lot of things that would come along with marriage, if you were open to the idea of it. Why aren’t you?”
Agnes bit her lip. It wasn’t the kind of thing she usually spoke openly about. But there were just so few secrets left between herself and Gabriel—what was the point in trying to hide anything anymore?
“My father was a drunk,” she said quietly.
“He drove us into debt, and…he drove my mother mad. Literally mad. His behavior was so impossible to predict, and no one ever felt safe in our home, my mother least of all. And she was trapped with him. Reeves and I had hopes of escaping and building lives of our own, but my mother would have been stuck in that house with him for the rest of her life.”
“Would have been?” Gabriel’s voice was quiet and thick with sympathy.
“She was taken to an asylum,” Agnes said. “It reached a point where she was just…crying all the time. Couldn’t control her emotions. Couldn’t keep herself calm. And I vowed then and there that I would never allow myself to become so infatuated with a man that his actions could affect me that way.”
She had never said these words aloud. She hadn’t even been this forthcoming with Reeves about her reasons for not wanting to marry, though he had likely guessed at it.
In her own mind, when the memory of her mother’s torment came up, she simply pushed it away.
It wasn’t part of her life anymore. It was a tragedy of her youth, and by remaining unmarried, she had kept it from impacting her.
But now she saw that that wasn’t the case at all. Her mother’s life hung like a shadow over everything she did. Because Gabriel was right.
Her list had started out as a way to bring adventure to her life. But as it had continued, more and more, it had become about the things she had denied herself by remaining unmarried.
Dancing with a gentleman in the rain. There was a sense of wildness in that, a sort of abandon.
She had felt it when they had been out there today.
How free they had been with one another.
How willing to let go of their responsibilities.
If a person were truly in love, life would surely be full of moments like that.
Every day would contain moments like that.
And the proposal. She had written down on the list that she wanted to say no to it, but the moment she had the option, she had nearly said yes. It was as if a part of her had really wanted it all along.
Had that always been true? Or was that something Gabriel had brought out in her?
He was watching her quietly now, as though waiting for her to sort through her thoughts. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “That’s a terrible thing for a child to have to go through.”
“I had Reeves,” she said. “He and I were always there for each other. But…yes. It was difficult.”
“And so you never married,” he said. “Because you didn’t want to be put through the things your father put your mother through.”
“I know it seems mad.”
“It doesn’t at all,” he countered. “You forget…I never married either.”
She met his eyes. “You’ve never acted as though our choices could be compared,” she murmured. “You’ve always seemed to think that it was rational for a gentleman to remain unmarried, but senseless for a lady.”
“More difficult for a lady,” he said. “But if there’s one thing I’ve come to realize about you, Agnes, it’s that you’re about as far away from senseless as it’s possible to be.
You think through every move you make. You do everything with the utmost care and consideration…
except for the writing of that list of yours,” he added, and a smile finally broke across his face.
“That might be the most carefree thing you’ve ever done in your life. ”
“Nearly finished now,” she murmured.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Only one thing left…and you still haven’t told me what it is.”
She looked away.
“If it helps,” he said quietly, “I think I might know.”
“You don’t have to do it,” she said. “The last item. You don’t have to finish the list with me. I don’t want you to feel obligated.”
“I don’t,” he said. “And if that item is what I believe it to be…I’d much rather you complete the list with me than with someone else.”
“I don’t know what to do when you say things like that,” she whispered, aching. How was she supposed to understand his feelings for her when he spoke that way? How was she supposed to keep her grip on the reality of what was happening?
Don’t let it mean more than it does. Remember, this is the man who proposed to you and acted like he meant it because he wanted you to have the experience of thinking something real was happening. This is a man who knows how to put on a show.
“Agnes,” he said. “The last thing on your list…it’s a kiss, isn't it?”
Agnes nodded mutely. Of course, he had guessed correctly. He had always seen right through to the very heart of her.
She only wished she could have the same vision when it came to his heart.