Chapter 30
“Haven’t you had about enough?” Jonathan asked, raising an eyebrow as Gabriel poured himself another measure of scotch.
“Have another one yourself, if you want,” Gabriel said, nudging the bottle toward his friend.
“I don’t want one. That’s not at all what I’m getting at,” Jonathan said. “I don’t want you to drink yourself into a coma here, and leave me and Nathaniel to pick up the pieces.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, he isn’t,” Nathaniel spoke up, not looking up from the book he held open in his lap. “He’s in a bad mood because his betrothed broke off their engagement.”
“We weren’t engaged,” Gabriel growled.
Nathaniel looked up. “But you don’t deny the premise. You’re upset because she ended things.”
“I thought the whole affair was a sham in the first place,” Jonathan said. “You’ve only been spending time with her out of a desire to make an impression on society, isn’t that right? That’s what you told us.”
“And we told him that he was going to develop feelings for her,” Nathaniel pointed out. “We did warn him. He denied it would happen, but I think now he’s starting to realize that he should have listened to us about it. Maybe next time…”
“There isn’t going to be any next time,” Gabriel said savagely, and took a long drink of his scotch.
“Of course not,” Jonathan agreed. “Not now that you’ve cemented your reputation as dull and stiff. Someone no lady would ever want anything to do with if she had a choice, weren’t those the words in the scandal sheets?”
“Did she actually say that?” Nathaniel’s interest was piqued.
“You know those scandal writers make up whatever they want,” Gabriel said dismissively. “It’s not as if she went and found them and gave them a report on the nature of our conversation.”
“All right,” Nathaniel said. “But is that the reason she ended things?”
“Yes.” Gabriel took another drink.
He was spreading that story because it was in keeping with what he had promised Agnes he would do.
In fact, it was he who had let things slip into the channels of gossip by going into town and making a comment to a shopkeeper in front of a large number of people.
If it hadn’t been for the fact that he was doing it deliberately, it would have been intensely foolish behavior.
But he was helped along by the fact that a part of him believed the story might actually be true.
He hated to think it, but Agnes had certainly ended things with him for some reason, and it had happened right after that kiss that he had been so sure was so memorable and significant.
She had been ready to put a stop to their involvement the moment that kiss had been over.
Only one of two conclusions was possible.
Either the kiss had soured her on the whole enterprise, so that she had lost any interest in their time together, or else she had never had any interest in the first place, and it had always been a logistical affair.
She had simply wanted to complete her list, and now she had done that, so there was no reason to drag things out any longer.
No reason for the two of them to pretend that things between them mattered any more than they did.
Except that Gabriel wasn’t pretending. Not anymore.
She did matter to him now.
Maybe she’d mattered right from the start, from the moment he had seen her sneaking around his house and decided not to involve the authorities. Something had held him back, after all—could it really have been nothing more than how intriguing he found her?
All he knew for certain was that he was devastated to have her out of his life.
He couldn’t let his friends see that, though. He knew what their response would be all too well. First, there would be a rousing round of we told you so, which he didn’t want to stomach. And when that was over, they would try to convince him to get her back.
And that would be even worse, because he couldn’t have her back. He knew better than to dream of it. All he could do was try his best to let her go and move on, as sick as it made him feel to do it.
“I always knew you were a bit boring,” Nathaniel said mildly. “But in my experience, ladies like that sort of thing. They like reliability. They like a gentleman they can count on, someone who isn’t going to surprise them or make them guess as to his affections.”
“Well, that may be true of some ladies,” Gabriel said. “But it isn’t true of Agnes. She loves adventure. She likes doing the unexpected.”
“I suppose that makes sense,” Jonathan said. “If she wasn’t comfortable with the unexpected, she wouldn’t have chosen to remain unmarried all this time. She wouldn’t be a spinster. Unless it’s because nobody ever asked her.”
“No,” Gabriel said, aware that his tone was unduly sharp. “It isn’t that.”
“All right.” Jonathan’s eyes widened. “I didn’t know.”
“Pay him no mind.” Nathaniel reached for the bottle and poured himself a small measure of scotch. “He’s in a bad mood, that’s all. He’s not really angry at you.”
It was true, so Gabriel didn’t bother to argue even though he didn’t appreciate being spoken for. He sipped his drink instead.
“You know what you should do?” Nathaniel asked him.
“Oh, this ought to be good.”
“It will be. You should get involved with someone else.”
Gabriel stared at him. It was truly the last thing in the world he would have expected to hear.
“Why should I do that?” he asked. “You know perfectly well that the only reason I got into this business with Agnes in the first place was to warn people off of trying to make a match with me. You also know that it worked. My reputation has been tarnished here. No one is interested anymore.”
“Oh, they would get interested again,” Nathaniel said, waving a hand at the details.
“You know that you could bring them back if you decided you wanted to. All you would need to do would be to present the story that you were devastated by this circumstance. That you had been humbled and that you had utterly learned your lesson. There would be plenty of ladies who would enjoy that little tale. They would come flocking back to you, I have no doubt of it. And then you would have your pick of them.”
“But why would I do that when I’ve just gone through all this in an attempt to drive everyone away from me?” Gabriel frowned. How had his friend arrived at the conclusion that this was a good idea?
“Well, just look at how miserable you are,” Nathaniel said.
“I’m not miserable.”
“Don’t bother with that. We can see that you are. Perhaps you’ve learned that courtship is something that can genuinely make you happy,” Nathaniel said. “Perhaps you’re ready to try it in earnest. I think you should. At the very least, spend some time in society and see what’s out there.”
“I’m only involving myself in society for Helena’s sake. You know that.”
“And you don’t think that Helena could do with a feminine influence on her life?”
“That’s true,” Jonathan put in. “She doesn’t have a mother. At the very least she could use an aunt—someone to guide her as she moves through the trials of her own coming out.”
Gabriel opened his mouth to argue—but then he paused.
Maybe they had a point. After all, how quickly had Helena been drawn to Agnes? How clear was it that she had wanted a woman in her life? He had thought that was about Agnes’ rebellious nature, but maybe it was something much simpler than that. Maybe she wanted a woman to look up to.
“It might be good for Helena to have a woman around,” he admitted grudgingly, though he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as if he was going to act on the idea, even if he did concede the point to them.
“We could help you find someone,” Nathaniel said.
Well, at least it had gotten them to stop talking about—
“Unless, of course, you’d like to try to win Lady Agnes back. Perhaps there’s hope there yet. I’m sure it isn’t a lost cause, if she’s the one you want.”
He closed his eyes briefly. This was exactly what he had not wanted to happen. “It is a lost cause,” he said, his voice tight. “You must trust my word on that. I know what happened between Agnes and myself, and I can tell you definitively that things are over. She would never return to me.”
“But you would have her back if she did.”
“There’s just no point in talking about such things,” Gabriel said. “My time with Agnes is at an end, and frankly, I don’t wish to discuss her any further. If you feel the need to continue with that topic, the two of you may do so elsewhere and leave me out of it.”
It was a blatant invitation to gossip, and perhaps that was unwise, but Gabriel couldn’t stand listening to them speculate about this any longer.
It was too painful. It called to mind all the wonderful moments he’d had with Agnes, and he could do nothing but recall the fact that they were now at an end.
He would have no more time with her. There wouldn't be another meeting, another shared joke, the thrill of crossing another item off that list of hers.
I don’t even know what we could cross off anymore, though. What’s left for the two of us to experience together? How many more daring things could we possibly do without crossing a line we wouldn’t be able to come back from?
Or had they already crossed a line they wouldn’t be able to come back from?
Maybe they had. Maybe they had reached the point at which it would be impossible to look at one another without some sort of desire. Certainly, Gabriel knew that if he ever saw her again, he was going to want to kiss her, and how could that possibly last?
He got to his feet. “I think the two of you ought to go,” he said, his voice tight. “I think I’d like to be alone.”
Nathaniel shook his head. “Don’t send us off,” he said. “I know we’ve been teasing you, Gabriel, but truly, we care for you. We want to help you find the best way through this.”
“No help is required,” Gabriel said firmly.
“You don’t even want to try to reach out to her?”
“Nathaniel, believe me. I know Agnes well at this point. I understand her. I know what she would want from me.” He swallowed.
“The best thing I can do here is to leave her be. It’s what she would ask, if she were here to make a request, and I have enough respect for her to honor what I know she wants. ”
“But you don’t know,” Jonathan spoke up. “You can never know what another person wants unless you ask them. You’re just assuming.”
“No,” Gabriel said. “I’m not assuming. I know based on all the time I’ve known her. All the time she and I have spent together. This is what she would ask me to do, and I have every intention of doing it.”
He opened the door and held it, waiting.
His friends got the message. They rose to their feet and took their leave, murmuring their farewells to him as they went.
And then, finally, Gabriel was alone, finally at peace.
But the thoughts of Agnes still plagued him.