Chapter 31
Lady Agnes’ List of Improper Ideas:
Read a scandalous book
Enter a gentlemen’s club.
Refuse a marriage proposal.
Dance in the rain with a gentleman.
Kiss someone.
Agnes stared at the list in front of her, hardly able to believe it.
It was done.
She had never dreamed, back when she’d started this journey, that the list would actually be completed one day. It hadn’t seemed possible. She had thought of it as a distant fantasy, an idle daydream. Not something that might really happen.
She picked up a pen and drew check marks beside each number, one through five.
Check, check, check. Then she carefully folded the list. She opened one of her books—it was a dusty, dry tome, containing nothing but history—and tucked it in amongst the pages.
She replaced the book on the shelf and took a long, slow breath.
Now what?
When she had thought about the list in the past, she had always thought of it as something that would spice up her life.
Something that would add interest and flavor to the days that were otherwise all the same.
And for a while, it had been that. Every day had been exciting.
Every day had held the promise of a new adventure.
Now the adventures were at an end, though, and she was back to her everyday life. A big house that she shared with no one but the servants who worked for her. A future full of days that contained no promise of thrills or excitement of any kind.
I remained single because I wanted to hold onto my freedom. Well, I have it—and suddenly, freedom feels more oppressive than anything else possibly could.
It was a relief when the footman opened the door to the library and ushered Dorothy and Violet into the room. At least they would be able to take her mind off things.
But Agnes was immediately disappointed. Dorothy hurried to her side and embraced her. “Oh, Agnes,” she murmured. “I was so sorry to hear about the end of your courtship. You must be devastated.”
“I was the one who ended it,” Agnes reminded her friends, fighting to keep a scowl off her face. “Why would I be devastated when the choice was mine?”
“But you were forced into that choice,” Violet pointed out. “We understand what happened. The duke was not the man you’d believed him to be, so you had to end things.”
“You believe everything you read in the scandal sheets, Violet.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Dorothy countered. “Violet is very sensible. She doesn’t even read the scandal sheets most of the time.
I’m the one who told her what had been printed.
I didn’t believe it at first myself. But she told me it was probably the truth, because it sounded so much like you.
I’d have a hard time believing that you were sitting at home heartbroken because a man had ended a courtship with you.
But if you had truly allowed yourself to begin to care for that man, only to discover that he was less than what you’d believed him to be… yes, that would break your heart.”
“I’m not heartbroken,” Agnes said.
The words hurt to say, because they were so far from true. It was impossible to utter them without feeling the lie.
She was heartbroken.
All she could think about was that last kiss.
How lost in it she had been. How she could have spent hours in his arms, reveling in the warmth and the strength of his hold on her, exploring this strange new world that was kissing a man.
She might have wanted even more. But the risk had been far too great.
He was only in it as a temporary thing. She had known that from the start. The kiss had only happened because he had pledged to help her with her list, and he didn’t feel as though he could withdraw that offer of assistance. He was determined not to break a promise. He’d made that abundantly clear.
The fact that she had begun to hope for more was a disaster, and the only way to begin to heal it had been to turn him away completely. If she had let him stay, if she had allowed things to continue between them, it would have become much harder to ever put a stop to it.
She had sensed his displeasure with her as he was leaving. She didn’t know why. He should have been grateful. He should have been glad that she had the strength to stick by what they had agreed to from the start.
I never let him down. I was tempted by the proposal, but I remained strong. I was swept away by the kiss, but I didn’t allow it to pull me under. I am worthy of every bit of time and attention he gave me, because I had the strength to end it when the time came to do so. He can’t be angry with me.
But he could, of course. She knew better than that.
He could feel however he liked about it, and there was nothing she could do.
She would just have to live with the fact that while things between them had once been so warm and pleasant, they had ended negatively, and there was no putting them right.
She didn’t know what hurt more—the fact that she was never going to see him again, or the fact that he was sitting somewhere upset with her for reasons she couldn’t fathom. But neither thing felt good.
“Agnes,” Dorothy pressed, “this isn’t a time for you to remain cooped up in your house. You need to get out.”
“I’m not cooped up,” Agnes said, even though that was exactly how she felt. Hadn’t she just been thinking how dull and dreary the days were now that her involvement with Gabriel had come to an end? “What did you have in mind?”
“Lady Kerrington’s ball,” Dorothy said. “Violet and I will be attending. You ought to come with us.”
“I shouldn’t,” Agnes countered. “It’s not a good time for me to be out in society, with all the gossip that’s going around.”
“When has gossip ever stopped you from doing what you wanted to do?” Dorothy countered.
“That’s not you at all, Agnes. You’ve always blazed your own trail.
” She frowned. “I wasn’t sure before, but now I really do think you’re heartbroken.
You’re not staying at home because you fear gossip, you’re doing it because you’re sad and you can’t muster the will to go to a ball. ”
“Maybe that’s what she needs right now,” Violet said softly. “Maybe we should allow her to stay at home and recover from the pain all this has caused.”
“I’m not in pain!” Agnes said crossly. “And there’s nothing to recover from. I just thought it might be foolish to attend the ball. But if that’s what I must do in order to put to rest this idea that I’m suffering from heartbreak, then I’ll do so. All right?”
“Agnes,” Dorothy said. “Nobody is trying to make you do anything. If you don’t want to come out, you don’t have to. I thought you might enjoy yourself, that’s all. And you could use the chance to have a good time.”
“I’ll come,” Agnes said, some of the frustration leaving her voice. “I know you’re only trying to be helpful, Dorothy. And you’re right. We probably would have a good time.”
She didn’t know whether that was true. To be at a ball right now sounded painful, and not only because of the gossip she knew she would face.
She would also be forced to confront the memories of the last ball she had attended—not to mention the one she had never made it to at all.
How would she stand in a ballroom without thinking about spinning in Gabriel’s arms?
About the way his mouth would quirk to one side when he would make a joke about the people around them, or the way his hand rested securely on her waist as he led her through the steps of a dance?
And how would she manage to stop herself from reminiscing about the kiss? The last day they had spent together, when they had planned to attend a ball and had stayed at home because of the rain?
What if it hadn’t rained that day? We wouldn’t have been able to complete the list in fair weather. We probably would have gone to the ball, and those last two items would still be ahead of me instead of behind.
She sighed. It was for the best that it was all over. It wasn’t good that she was still yearning like this. These feelings were the exact reason she’d needed to put the whole business behind her and start to move on.
Which meant, really, that it was more than just a good idea for her to attend this ball.
It was necessary. Her friends were right—it was the kind of thing she would never have hesitated to do before all this business with Gabriel had happened.
It was important that she figure out how to get back to her ordinary life as quickly as she could.
After all, it had once made her happy. Gabriel hadn’t so badly disrupted her that she wouldn’t be able to find a way to be happy again.
She nodded. “You’re right, both of you,” she said. “We should go to this ball, and I’ll be in attendance. Would you like to meet here beforehand so that we can ride over together? That might be pleasant.”
It would be more than pleasant. If she were to be honest with herself, it was a means of protecting herself from time spent alone.
It would be hard enough to attend the ball.
If she had to spend a whole carriage ride on her own, pondering what would happen when she arrived there, she thought she might just lose her nerve altogether.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Dorothy agreed. “We can come over just after dinner. Violet?”
“Yes, I’d like that,” Violet said. “I must say, Agnes, I didn’t think you were going to agree to this. I thought you were going to find it too difficult. And I would have sympathized with that, if it had been your decision. I have a lot of admiration for your courage.”
“Thank you,” Agnes murmured, though in truth the sentiment bothered her. It was exactly the kind of thing Gabriel had once praised about her—that she was tenacious, that she did what she wanted to do and didn’t allow anything or anyone to hold her back.
She’d taken pride in those things when he had described them. Now she couldn’t help wondering how he would feel if he could see her now.
Is everything going to remind me of him? Even being myself? Will I be unable to find my way back to the person I used to be, because simply by embracing my own character, I’d be living as the person Gabriel admired, and it’s too painful to be that person anymore?
No. He could disrupt her life in many ways, but she would not allow him to convince her to change who she was.
That was one thing he could never take away.
This whole ordeal had affected her in ways she could never have anticipated, but if she was ever to have a chance at being herself again, the only way forward was to act as she would have done if she had never met Gabriel.