Chapter 34
The image of Agnes turning and running from him continued to haunt Gabriel well into the following day.
Why had she done it? Had it been so upsetting to her, what he had said?
He ran through his words again and again in his mind, trying to sort them out, trying to understand what he had done wrong.
All he’d said was that he wanted her to stand up for herself.
That couldn’t be so wrong, could it? Surely that was something she wanted for herself.
She had always been self-righteous. Always so sure that her own ideas and opinions were the best ones.
Maybe that was all this was. Maybe she had run from him simply because she didn’t take kindly to being told what to do.
That would certainly fit with his experience of her, he thought wryly. She was just so stubborn.
But it didn’t feel to Gabriel as if he had hit upon the right answer there.
This was more than her usual stubbornness.
This was something deeper. She had been genuinely upset in that moment.
He had seen it in her face—the way her lips had whitened, the way she had grimaced and looked away before she had run.
It had seemed to him that she was in real pain.
Something I did caused her pain. Something I did hurt her, but I don’t know what or how.
He gritted his teeth. It was no good to dwell on this.
He had to do his best to set it aside. His friends had been correct when they had told him he needed to focus on the possibility of spending time with another woman, he decided.
Though he knew he would never be interested in a serious courtship with anybody else, perhaps days of frivolity would take his mind off Agnes.
It would be impossible for me to take a new person seriously. All I would ever be able to think about would be the ways in which she was not Agnes. The ways in which she didn’t measure up.
He shook his head. He had become so enamored of Agnes that it was going to loom like a shadow over his life from now on, and he had no idea what to do about that.
The door to his study opened, and Helena poked her head in. “Uncle Gabriel?”
Gabriel looked up from the ledgers that were open in front of him.
“I’m sorry,” Helena said. “I know I’m not supposed to bother you while you’re working.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he told her, closing his books. “I wasn’t getting much work done anyway, to tell you the truth. What’s on your mind? Is there something I can do for you?”
She came into the room and sat down facing him, her hands in her lap. “I really just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said. “You’ve been shut up in your study all day, Uncle Gabriel.”
“I often work all day,” he reminded her with a small smile that didn’t feel quite natural. “It isn’t anything to worry over.”
“Well, I don’t know,” she countered. “It hasn’t escaped my notice that your courtship with Lady Agnes just recently came to an end. I’m sure you must be feeling some measure of distress about it.”
His smile grew slightly more genuine. “Helena, are you trying to take care of me?”
“Someone ought to,” she said stubbornly. “I’m not a child anymore, Uncle Gabriel. I can see that you’re upset.”
He pondered that. Perhaps honesty—or at least, some measure of honesty—was the best option here.
“It is somewhat difficult,” he admitted.
“Lady Agnes and I had many good times together, and as I’m sure you can understand, when something enjoyable is happening, it can be upsetting to see it come to an end.
I do miss the times we shared. But at the same time, I’m grateful for the fact that we had those times at all, and I know that it’s all been for the best.”
“You say that as if it’s very simple,” Helena said. “As if logic is the only thing involved in the matter.”
“Logic is the best way to deal with it,” Gabriel said.
“Uncle Gabriel, that can’t be true,” Helena protested. “You really mean to tell me that the best way to manage a matter of the heart is with cold logic?”
“To call it a matter of the heart is overstating things a bit,” Gabriel said. “It’s not as if Lady Agnes and I were in love with one another. Didn’t I tell you from the start that you shouldn’t worry about a union between the two of us? That there would be no marriage?”
“Yes,” Helena admitted. “That’s what you said.”
“So how is it that you’re sitting there worrying about things like heartbreak, when you know that isn’t what this is?”
“Uncle Gabriel, you know as well as I that love isn’t something you can just make a decision about,” Helena admonished. “Do you think I fell in love with Benjamin because it was a rational decision to do so?”
“Oh, I know beyond a doubt that rationality didn’t enter into that picture,” Gabriel grumbled.
“Well, exactly!” Helena said. “My heart overtook me, that’s all.”
“But I’m not a young girl,” Gabriel said. “I have much more experience in these matters than you do, Helena.”
“I’m not sure that’s true,” Helena said.
“After all, when have you ever been in love? How could you claim to know anything about the way love takes hold of a person when it has never happened to you? But the truth is, Uncle, I believe that it has happened to you. I think you fell in love with Lady Agnes, and you don’t wish to admit to it for some reason.
Perhaps it frightens you to know that you have such feelings. ”
Gabriel shook his head. “I think you may be speaking of yourself here,” he said. “Are you frightened by your infatuation with the solicitor’s boy?”
“Well, certainly,” Helena said. “That’s why I was so anxious to discuss the matter with Lady Agnes, you know. She may be a spinster, but she is also a woman. She understands the way I’m feeling as well as anyone can.”
Ah. Now Gabriel thought he understood what was going on. He felt rather bad about it as he recalled his conversation with his friends. “It meant something to you, didn’t it?” he asked his niece. “Having her in your life. Having a woman to confide your troubles in?”
“It was very nice,” Helena admitted. “I did like it quite a bit.”
“I know it’s been difficult for you to face the thought of being raised by a gentleman,” he said. “With no female influences in your life. Of course, the loss of your parents is tragic in its own right. But it’s also terrible that you have no woman to look up to. Not a mother…not even an aunt.”
He swallowed hard. Perhaps he needed to set his own feelings aside for the sake of his niece. He had always intended to do that. But only now was he beginning to understand that he might have been wrong, all along, about what she wanted. About what she might need.
“I wonder,” he said, “whether you wish I was married. Whether you would be more content if there was a woman in our lives. Someone you could turn to when you wanted to seek advice about the unique struggles of ladies.”
“Oh, you know I’d prefer that!” Helena sat up straighter. “I’m so glad you’re asking, Uncle Gabriel. I didn’t think you realized.”
“Well, if it means that much to you,” Gabriel said, “I don’t mind seeking out a courtship.
I never thought to marry, but after all, I’m going to hope that you will marry when the time comes, and if you would feel more at ease in our family with a lady around, perhaps that’s something we ought to pursue. ”
“So you really think that she’ll accept you back?” Helena asked eagerly. “I worried she might not, given the way things seem to have ended between you, but you know her better than I do. If you believe it’s possible, I have hope.”
“Who—do you mean Lady Agnes?”
“Well, of course,” Helena said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Who else would I mean?”
“I thought you understood,” Gabriel said.
“Things are finished between Lady Agnes and myself, Helena. You’re right to think hat she wouldn’t have me back.
I don’t believe there’s a chance in the world that she would.
And I don’t blame her, to be honest with you.
Things between the two of us were never that good. ”
“That isn’t true at all.” Helena leaned forward in her chair. “I know things were good. Didn’t you just tell me that you were saddened by her departure from our lives because the two of you had had such good times together? You can’t now expect me to believe that it wasn’t enjoyable after all.”
“I don’t say that it wasn’t enjoyable,” he said.
“We did have a good time while it lasted. All I’m trying to say is that there was nothing special about it, nothing that can’t be replicated with someone else.
And she doesn’t wish to marry, so the best thing to do is to leave her be.
Now, if you want to pursue the idea of adding someone to our family, as I see you do, it would be best to focus that desire on someone more practical.
It would be a waste of time to try to bring Lady Agnes back to us when she has no wish whatsoever to be here, and I won’t waste that time when I see how important it is to you to have a woman in your life.
I will move toward something more sensible. ”
Helena shook her head, ire crossing her face.
“I know what you’re doing, Uncle Gabriel.
You don’t want to risk trying to bring Lady Agnes back, because you’re afraid she won’t come.
The truth is that you would choose her if you could, but you’re worried she would tell you no.
You don’t want to take the risk. And that would be fine if you were simply shielding yourself from pain, but it’s more than that, because you’re involving me.
You’re claiming that you won’t go after the woman I know you really want because you need to hurry into an easy arrangement for my sake. ”
She rose to her feet. “You can forget about that,” she said firmly. “I won’t let you use me as an excuse, Uncle Gabriel.”
“Sit down,” he told her, startled at her defiance.
“No,” she shot back. “I don’t want to sit down.
I don’t want to sit here and listen to you tell me you refuse to be happy, and that it’s somehow my fault.
I don’t need a woman in my life, Uncle Gabriel.
I want Lady Agnes. If you want to say that this is about doing what will make me happy, you must repair things with her. ”
He stared at his niece, unable to believe what he was hearing. When had she become like this? So forward? So direct?
She was always like this.
But no, she hadn’t been, not really. She had always spoken her mind, but not with such shamelessness. And he knew exactly who she sounded like.
All this time, I worried that Agnes was going to be a bad influence on her. Well, she’s been influenced all right, there’s no denying it…but is that influence bad?
Maybe there’s something to it. I would prefer a niece who knows what she wants and speaks up about it to one who blindly accepts whatever comes her way, after all.