Chapter 5
“How was last evening, dear?” Sophia’s mother asked as she walked into the breakfast room.
Sophia was not paying her mother any attention. Nor was she paying her plate of food any attention. It sat in front of her, waiting to be eaten, but for how long she had stared at it, there was a good chance that the eggs and toast on offer would turn cold before she had so much as a taste.
Her mind was elsewhere, and there was no need to guess the reason why.
What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, which is the only explanation. Not that this excuses it. Not that this justifies it! I can’t even begin to… there are no words… what on earth happened?
“Sophia?” her mother spoke again. “Are you listening to me?”
Sophia faintly heard her mother’s voice and slowly lifted her head to find her mother standing at the other end of the table looking at her. Not with worry, as one might, but with a sense of annoyance.
“Oh, Mother…” Sophia gave her head a shake. “I did not hear you come in.”
“I suspect the ceiling could have collapsed and you still might not have paid it attention,” she said. “Dare I ask what is the matter? Did something happen last night?”
Sophia’s eyes widened as if there was a chance her mother knew what she had done. But that was impossible, because nobody knew of Sophia’s most wicked actions… save for the Duke, of course. Not that he was likely to have told anyone.
“Just a little tired, is all,” Sophia said. “I did not sleep well.”
“Any reason?”
“No,” she lied. “Just one of those nights.”
Her mother eyed were suspiciously. “If you are feeling unwell, I will insist that you stay home today. I do not need you getting sick.”
“Stay home…” Sophia frowned.
“Your friend Anna’s garden party,” her mother said slowly, eyes narrowed now. “You still intend to go, yes?”
“Oh!” Sophia perked up. “Yes, of course I do. I just wasn’t thinking. Sorry,” she added quickly, looking down at her plate.
Her mother continued to watch her, eyes still narrowed, no doubt starting to sense that something was wrong with her daughter. Sophia continued to look away, focusing now on her food, praying that her mother dropped the topic because Sophia never had been very good at lying.
“Just be careful to take it easy,” her mother said. “The Season has started and the last thing we need is for you to wear yourself thin.”
“I will, Mother,” Sophia said. “I promise.”
Sophia was struggling to comprehend what she had done, and she knew that things were set to become even more confusing before she would get past it.
It was just so unlike her. In every conceivable way. Miss Sophia Ashbury, the paragon of propriety and self-control. She never got into trouble. She never did anything to cause alarm. She was the perfect daughter and lady of the ton. She had spent her entire life proving this very point.
Yet, for reasons that made no sense to her, last evening, she had broken. And in the worst of ways.
Of course, it had everything to do with the Duke and blaming him helped little.
It was the way that he had spoken to her that did it.
His constant teasing. His persissent pressing.
The accusations he made toward her character.
He had wanted her to break. And Sophia, unable to help herself, had done just that.
To make matters worse, and this was what stuck with her the most, the kiss that she shared with the Duke was nowhere near as awful as she might have liked.
Even now, hours after the fact, Sophia could still feel his lips and taste him as if they had kissed minutes ago. She could still feel the way her body reacted, her heart leaping through her chest, the breath leaving her lungs… how her entire being had trembled.
She wanted to shun the very concept of that kiss. She would have liked to have dismissed it as a mistake that she would never make again. But there was a lingering feeling deep within that refused to go away. The sense that did the situation present itself once more, that she just might…
No! Do not even think it, lest somebody find out. It was a mistake and no matter what, it cannot happen again. I don’t want it to!
Sophia had been raised better than that.
She controlled her emotions. She always did as was expected of her.
She did not argue, she did not cause alarm, and she never stepped out of bounds.
It was a mode of living that she was convinced made her happy…
but that single incident with the Duke, and she was starting to wonder if perhaps she wasn’t nearly as happy as she believed.
How could something that felt so right be so wrong? And why did it not feel nearly as scandalous as she wanted it to? Had she been wrong all this time? Or was she merely confused?
Needless to say, Sophia was struggling in ways that she never had before, and it was for this reason that she came to a decision. Last night was a mistake. She could not do it again. And to avoid such possibilities, she would never see or speak with His Grace again.
With that decision made, she went back to her breakfast, forcing a smile on her face as she did so. But it was a fake thing, and despite feeling resolved with this decision, there was still that niggling feeling deep within that something was wrong.
It was two hours later when Sophia emerged into the back garden of her friend’s estate. By that point, her mood was infinitely better than it had been when she woke up, and hardly in those two hours had she wasted time thinking about the Duke.
Her smile grew when she took in the scene.
There were twenty or so guests spread across the lavish garden, most sitting in small groups as they chatted merrily and shared in nibbles.
She saw Anna with some friends and waved.
She saw another friend of hers, Lucy, and smiled.
She started to walk toward them, the guilt and wickedness inside of her dissolving even more than it had been… and that was when she saw him.
Sophia came to a sudden stop, nearly tripping over her gown. Her stomach rose through her body, her legs began to tremble, and she very nearly turned and fled.
“Sophia!” Anna waved her over. “What are you doing?”
Sophia ignored her. She stared openly, and stupidly, and obviously. She took a step backwards, panic rising deep within.
What is he doing here? Why is he here? I can’t believe… if I had known… this cannot be happening!
It was none other than the Duke of Rothbury, of course, who for reasons that Sophia could not comprehend, was attending the garden party with her and her friends.
He sat with a group of lords, the husbands of the other women, and he laughed and shook his head in jest as if he did not have a care in the world.
He did not see Sophia at first, which is why she considered running. Which she might have done, was Anna not coming for her.
“You’re late.” Anna took her by the hand. “I was about to send out a search party.”
Sophia laughed awkwardly and tore her gaze from the Duke. “Just a little tired from last evening…”
“Oh, yes, how is Helena? I am so sad to have missed it.”
“It was…” She swallowed. “Uneventful.”
Anna snorted. “That is what I assumed. Come…” She began to drag Sophia through the garden. “There are people here you must meet. And without your parents about, you might enjoy yourself for a change.”
“I do not… what do you mean?”
Anna frowned. “I am only joking, Sophia. You know I love your parents. Even if they are a little stiff.” She laughed gaily and continued to pull Sophia forward.
And Sophia, with no choice, allowed herself to be led toward the other guests.
Sophia was careful not to draw the attention of the Duke.
He was sitting on the other side of the garden with his friends, and she moved so that her back was to him.
In her mind, there might be a chance that she could get through today without having to speak with him, after which she would enact her previous plan: to never see him again.
“Sophia!” Sophia’s other close friend, Lucy, hugged her as soon as she was near. “We weren’t sure if you were coming.”
“Oh, yes…” Sophia laughed nervously. “I would not miss it.”
“Is something the matter?” Anna asked and rubbed her arm. “You are as white as a ghost.”
“Just tired…” She swallowed. “Nothing to concern yourself with.”
“Apparently she is all worn out after Helena’s last evening,” Anna explained to the small group.
“Oh, yes!” Lucy latched into her. “Tell us how it went. Any gossip?”
Out the corner of her eyes, Sophia caught sight of the Duke. He was twenty feet away at least, and he sat with five men. But as soon as the question was asked, she could have sworn that she saw him look at her.
Sophia forced herself not to find his eyes. She could feel him watching, and she could sense him smirking… or maybe she was imagining it? The Duke was forever wearing a smirk, so that he might be now did not mean anything. It was all in her head!
Things only got worse from there.
Sophia spent the next thirty minutes in a state of paralysis. She sat with her friends and those others who she did not know very well, kept silent, and did as little as she could to draw attention to herself. She made sure not to face the Duke, and she refused to so much as glance at him.
Despite this resolve, as the day wore on, more than once she turned slightly and snuck a peak in the Duke’s direction. And every time that she did, she found him in the midst of laughter. He joked. He japed. He was the center of attention in all things.
Eventually, Sophia found herself glaring at him.
What is he laughing at? Why is he so relaxed? Is he telling everyone about me? Is he bragging? Surely he would not do such a thing as that?
Here she was, losing her mind, and the Duke was as comfortable as one could be. As silly as it sounded, this annoyed Sophia more than anything. It implied that their kiss meant nothing, and that he had not thought of it once since it happened. Which was a good thing… or it should have been.
Truly, Sophia had no idea how she was meant to feel.
She wanted to dismiss the Duke. She wanted to not think of him.
But every time she looked at him, she felt something squirm in her stomach.
She felt her body grow warm. She felt her limbs tingle.
She felt… she felt… she felt exposed in ways she did not understand because it had never happened before.
It was for this reason that she came up with a plan.
The reason she had been feeling so off about what occurred was because there was no closure.
Yes, that was it. In fact, there was a very good chance that the Duke was as confused as she was, and how he was acting was merely some sort of defense mechanism.
What she needed to do, and soon, was speak to him once more and confirm that last evening had been a horrid mistake.
Only then, would she be able to put it behind her as was needed.
The chance for this came shortly after.
“Oh, I love a wedding,” Anna was saying. “Which makes me wonder, who will be next…” She looked through the group of ladies. “Any takers?”
“Don’t look at me?” Lucy cried. “I will never marry. Sophia is the one whom we should be placing bets on.”
All the women turned to look at Sophia, but she was not paying attention. That was saved for the Duke, who was just now wandering across the garden toward the manor. Alone.
“Sophia?” Lucy pressed. “Sophia? Are you listening?”
“Hhmm…” Sophia turned to find all eyes on her. “I… I need to go.”
“What?” Anna cried. “Where to?”
She looked toward the Duke, who just now vanished inside. “The washroom,” she said with a polite smile. “Do not fear…” She stood quickly. “I will return.”
Sophia then put her head down and hurried through the garden and toward the manor. As she did, she prayed that her friends did not notice the Duke going inside before her, and she prayed that nobody would notice them missing.
Not that it mattered. Once she had this awkward conversation, she would be able to forget that anything untoward had happened.
Sophia did not get in trouble. She did not act out. And she did not do things that might cause alarm. She had strayed last evening, she had tripped and fallen. Now that she was back on her feet, she needed to stay there. And come the end of this conversation, she would do.
All she needed was to control herself… which ordinarily would not be a problem. But considering the circumstances, Sophia had every reason to feel worried.