Chapter 18 #2
He stayed there and watched her, his pulse quickening.
Gabriel had noticed already how much she was changing, but this here was undisputable proof.
She played the pianoforte with a type of freedom that would have been impossible just a month ago.
She played not because she had to, but because she wanted to.
He could literally hear her love for the instrument singing from each stroke of her fingers.
Despite himself, a smile broke across Gabriel’s face and his pulse quickened…
When Sophia finally finished, Gabriel knew he should have turned and crept away. Judging from the song, she was upset, and he knew that he was the cause of her ire. But good sense was not Gabriel’s friend lately, and before he could stop to consider the consequences, he spoke.
“Now, that is how you play the pianoforte,” he said.
Her body stiffened when she heard his words. The light shining across the room wavered and even seemed to dim. While a chill suddenly fell into the dark room so that Gabriel felt it in his bones, just as he felt the disgust she had for him.
“What are you doing here?” she said without turning around.
“I live here.”
“Do you?” Her voice was colder than ice and sharper than any blade. “I might not have guessed, for how little you have been here lately.”
“Are you keeping track of me?” he attempted a soft chuckle.
“No…” She sighed and bowed her head. “I would not waste the time. You clearly do not care about me, so why would I care about you?”
The words were like a knife stabbing at Gabriel’s insides. They should not have bothered him, but he winced to hear them spoken, even reeling back as if she had struck him herself.
“I… I am sorry I missed supper,” he said with a slight slur to his words. “I meant to join you, but my meetings ran longer than I had thought they would.”
“There is no need to apologize.” Still, she did not turn around. “In truth, I had forgotten that you were joining me. So, no harm done.”
It was silly, but her denouncement hurt Gabriel more than it should have done. He knew that she did not forget, but for some reason, the mere idea that she might have… why does it bother me so?
“You’re playing better than ever.” He took a tentative step into the room. “Truly, Sophia, it is near perfect. You should be proud.”
“What do you want, Gabriel?” she sighed.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” she said. “What do you want?”
“I…” He hesitated, a sudden pang of nerves choking him. “Nothing. I just thought you should know how well you are playing. I thought you would be happy to hear it.”
“I know how well I am playing,” she said sharply. “I do not need you to tell me.”
“Perhaps you should thank me instead.”
Her body turned stiff and Gabriel immediately regretted what he said. It was meant as a joke, but it was clearly not taken as one.
“Thank you? Is that what you think you deserve? My thanks?”
“I was only joking, Sophia. I did not mean –”
“Yes, you did,” she cut him off. “You… you truly believe that you have done me some great favor, don’t you? That I owe you for this marriage. Admit it.”
“I… you do not owe me. Of course you do not.” He should have left it there, but the drink had him, and it was playing havoc with his tongue.
“But that does not mean that some gratitude… I mean, was it not for this marriage you would still be trapped with your parents.” He laughed.
“And we all know the travesty that was.”
She did not answer him immediately.
Her head was bowed, her back was to him, and he could feel her struggle to contain the rage that was building inside of her. Funny that a small part of him wanted to see it, just to prove that she was capable. But only a very small part…
As quickly as that anger had come, it faded. Her shoulders slumped and she let forth a soft, desperate sigh of defeat.
“I tried, Gabriel. I really did try…” Slowly, she turned.
Her eyes glimmered in the white moonlight, and in them Gabriel saw what he was so afraid of: pain and misery.
Pain caused by him and misery brought by his actions.
She hated him, and he deserved every bit of it.
“I tried to make this marriage work the best that I could. I really did.”
“It is working,” he said. “It is working exactly as it is meant to. As was promised.”
“Maybe it is,” she sighed as her eyes began to glisten from withheld tears. “Maybe I am the fool for thinking that it might be more than what was promised.” She scoffed at herself. “In that way, perhaps I am wrong to blame you.”
“Blame me? Blame me for what?”
“This marriage is not regular,” she continued softly. “For a time there, I thought that… I believed that was why it might work. Now I know that it was never meant to work, and what you promised me is exactly what I got.”
“Sophia…” He took a step toward her, but it was a struggle, as if a barrier stood erected between them. “All I have done is honor our agreement. I promised you freedom, you now have that. What more is there?”
She shook her head and looked away. “Nothing. I know that now, and while it took me time to understand, that I finally do…” She laughed bitterly. “I suppose it will be up to me to make of my new life the best that I can.” A beat passed after her words. “Alone.”
That single word… alone… it was a wave washing over and crashing down on Gabriel. It hit him on a personal level, and he felt the guilt of her words drown him so that he could hardly breathe from them. He took a step back, gasping, trying to push through the shock of her denouncement.
Not that he had any right to feel this way. He had it coming, after all.
“You are not alone,” he said with little conviction. “We are still married, Sophia. I will always be here to help you where I can.”
“You have helped me,” she said. “And I thank you for it. Now that you have, everything else is up to me.” She smiled, but it was weak and unsure, certainly forced. “If you don’t mind…” She rose from her stool and started past him. “I am tired, I think I might go to bed.”
Gabriel turned with her as she walked right by. He should have let her go. He should have counted this conversation as a victory. If he left it now, they would both know where they stood, and this marriage would fall into the patterns that were promised.
Not what were wanted, but what they needed to be.
“Sophia…” he called out to her, unable to help himself. She was at the doorway but turned back; a final look of hope in her eyes that hurt more than anything she had said so far. “I’m sorry,” he said. “If I… I did not mean…”
Her smile was a pitiful thing. “I know you are, Gabriel. I know.” She put down her head and walked away.
Gabriel stayed where he was, trembling, the room turning around him. For all his talk of wanting a convenient marriage, of not wanting to develop feelings or care for his wife, how he felt in the moment was proof that what he wanted, and what he got, were two different things.
He and Sophia were finally on the same page, but that brought little relief. If anything, it made him more confused. Then again, as this marriage had gone so far, what else could be expected? A marriage of confusion, is what it was. Very inconvenient indeed.