Chapter 19
Sophia spent the following week purposefully avoiding Gabriel.
It was ironic in many ways, that the week before this she had felt as if he was the one avoiding her, and now she was doing it to him. The difference, as she saw it, was that in this instance, he deserved it.
And it wasn’t that he chose to miss their supper plans that was the reason.
That had upset her, but even when she was sitting alone, watching the doorway, anger bubbling away, she had managed to convince herself that there might be a reason.
She was so damn certain that this marriage could develop into something real, with feelings for Gabriel to match, that she would have been willing to forgive him, if he gave her a reason.
No… it was not the missed supper that earned her ire, but the conversation that happened after. That was why she felt her actions this week were justified.
Better still, based on the way Gabriel spoke to me, I can only assume that he is pleased that I am avoiding him. By all accounts, he wants me to.
She had been furious at first. That he thought she should be grateful for how he was treating her – as if she owed him. Was he really so selfish? Did he really think that he was some sort of savior, and that she should be on her knees? It was absurd!
The anger soon transformed to apathy, because she saw in his words the truth that she had refused to admit until she had no other choice.
For all her beliefs that something was happening between them both, he either did not feel it, or did not want it to.
Whatever it was, the result was the same, and she was done trying to reason with a man who did not want to be reasoned with.
She was done trying to find an answer that suited her when the true answer screamed at her in the face. This marriage was only ever meant to be one of convenience. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Now that I know this, I can move on. I can be free… even if I feel more trapped than ever.
So it was that Sophia’s first week of ‘freedom’ began.
Typically, and this did not surprise her at all, it also happened to be the worst week of her married life so far. And the reasons for this were entirely too obvious.
She felt like an intruder in her own home. Everywhere she went, everything that she did, Sophia felt as if she was being watched. And if not watched, she was doing the watching, careful not to accidentally walk into the same room as her husband.
In her mind, it was just easier to avoid him.
If she did that, perhaps in a few weeks she could forget about him entirely.
They would become ghosts in that way, drifting through the manor, hardly aware of the other’s presence.
Was it a goal to covet? Was it something to hope for?
Certainly not… but what other choice do I have?
Slowly, and surely, the week began to break Sophia apart.
She found it harder to wake up of a morning.
She found her appetite fading. Her desire to play the pianoforte was nonexistent, and even going outside to read in the sun brought no joy.
She just… walked. Skulked. Idled from place to place.
And whenever she thought she caught wind of Gabriel nearby, she would hurry in the opposite direction.
It was no way to live. The sadness and loneliness set in. This was not freedom, but an entirely different type of prison.
Something had to change, and as the days turned over, Sophia found herself praying that they would. She missed that brief period where things had felt so perfect. She missed being free. And, most strangely, she missed her husband.
That realization, as it turned out, was the most shocking of all.
“Are you sure, Your Grace?” the stableboy asked nervously. He was even younger than Sophia, with a mop of blonde hair, a dirt-stained face, and kind eyes that he refused to look upon her with.
“Quite sure, thank you,” Sophia said with as much conviction as she was able to find. “This is not my first time riding, and I am more than capable.”
“I did not mean it like that.” His blue eyes widened and he hurried to explain himself. “I am sure you are an expert rider. It is just…” He swallowed nervously. “The weather, Your Grace. A storm is said to be coming.”
“Then let it come,” she said sharply, frustration growing. “A little rain never hurt anyone.”
“It is not the rain that worries me, Your Grace.” His face turned pale and his eyes remained wide like dinner plates. “And forgive me for saying, but I worry you might not be aware of the effect that lightning and thunder can have on a horse. It frightens them.”
“Is it me you are worried about or the horse?”
“My meaning…” He swallowed again. “The horse might get spooked, Your Grace. Chances are, it will throw you from the saddle if it does. Let me ride with you,” he tried. “You don’t know this area well, and there’s no sense in –”
“I am quite fine.” Fed up with being talked down to, Sophia stormed forward and snatched the reigns from the stableboy. “I have been riding since I was a little girl, and yes, that includes through storms. There is no need to worry.”
“At least let me check with His Grace,” the stableboy tried. “I am sure he will want to know.”
“Believe me when I tell you that he will not.”
“Might I check? Just to set my own mind at ease.”
“You may check,” she said. “But I will be long gone by the time you are given an answer.” The stableboy’s face dropped and Sophia sighed with guilt. “What is your name?”
“Marcus, Your Grace.”
“Marcus, listen closely. This is my home, yes? This horse and everything in this stable, it technically belongs to me, correct?”
“I…” His brow tightened as he searched for an answer. “Technically, yes. But –”
“So, if I wish it, I can do as I please and you cannot stop me.”
“That is… I mean… well, yes, technically –”
“Just as His Grace cannot stop me,” she spoke over him.
He trembled with nervousness, and Sophia felt quite guilty for what she was doing to him.
He was trying to do the right thing, and in ordinary circumstances she would have listened.
But these were not ordinary circumstances.
“I assure you that His Grace will not care what I do.”
“He will!” Marcus cried. “With the storm coming, I know he will at least want me to –”
“To listen to me,” she spoke over him. “Please, Marcus, I do not want to put you in an awkward place, but you leave me little choice. Now, are you going to let me go, or are we going to have a problem?”
Sophia knew that Marcus the stableboy would give in to her demands.
He had no choice in the matter, even if his conscience was fighting against it.
In his mind, he was doing the right thing, what any stableboy would do in such a situation as this.
Sadly, for him, he could not possibly understand the deeper context and why Sophia knew the Duke would not care what she was doing. Impending storm or no.
Am I being stubborn? Should I listen to what is clearly good advice? Probably, I should, but common sense is beyond me right now. I am at my wits end and this is the natural result…
It was easy for Sophia to tell herself that she was not doing this because she wanted Gabriel to notice her.
Just as it was easy to tell herself that she was doing this because she could – she was free, wasn’t she?
So why should she not be able to go for an afternoon ride when she wanted it? And why should her husband care?
However, there was still that part of her that wondered what Gabriel would say when he learned what she did…
and if he would give a damn. She had spent all week trying to ignore it.
She had spent all week forcing Gabriel from her mind.
But he was still there, lingering painfully close, and until she proved that she did not need him, he might never leave her alone.
She was doing this for herself… so that she might survive.
“No, Your Grace.” With great reluctance, the stableboy stepped back and out of the way. “We do not have a problem.”
“As I thought.” She offered him a thankful smile, which he did not see because his head was bowed. Then, with nothing else for it, she grabbed a hold of the saddle and hoisted herself up. “Oh!” she yelped as she stumbled, nearly fell, only to find her footing. “There we are…”
Every time that Sophia had ridden as a girl, she had done so side-saddle.
That was proper and the only way a lady ought to ride, at least according to her mother.
But Sophia did not have to worry about her mother right now, nor did she have to worry about her husband.
For that reason, she wore a flowing skirt that allowed her to sit the saddle as a man might.
“I will be back within the hour,” she assured Marcus. “Tell His Grace if you feel you must, but I assure you he will not care.” The truth of those words struck her harder than she would have liked.
Sitting tight in the saddle, her feet in each stirrup, Sophia kicked her knees into her mount and steered it from the stable.
It was early in the afternoon, but it felt much later.
Heavy storm clouds swirled black and grey and blotted out the sun, covering the sky fully, and casting the land beneath in deep shadow.
The wind was wild and chaotic, and it blew through Sophia’s hair so it matted across her face.
The air was moist. And in the far distance, the low rumble of thunder reverberated through the ground and across Sophia’s body.
She was shaking, she realized. Partly from excitement, because she needed to do this. And partly from fear…
Nonetheless, she guided the horse from the stable until it was on the edges of the fields that surrounded the immediate estate.
She turned in her saddle, spared a final look for the manor, and kicked the horse forward.
It took off at pace, she clutched tight to the saddle, and within seconds she was sprinting across the fields and toward freedom.
Sophia laughed as the horse gained speed.
She had not woken up today thinking that she would go for a ride, but as the day dragged on, as the monotony of her life continued to beat her down, she realized that if she did not do something soon to break tradition and drag her from her slump, then she would be trapped forever.
Was she not free? Was she not able to do what she wanted and when she wanted it? Was that not the entire point? Considering that her husband wanted nothing to do with her, whatever decision she made was her own.
For what felt like an hour, she pushed her horse forward. As she went, the clouds grew darker, the wind grew more aggressive, and the sounds of thunder in the distance came closer.
It was silly of her to ride in a storm like this but that was the point.
If this marriage was about freedom, she intended to prove it so.
This last week had been hard, but if Sophia could find a way to survive it, joy discovered in doing as she wished while proving that her husband truly did not care, the maybe she could carry onwards.
Maybe this was the beginning, and not the end.
After an hour of riding, she reached the edge of a sprawling forest, and that was when the rain started to fall.
Sophia knew it was time to turn back, but stubbornness took her; that pesky need to prove that she was indeed free and nothing could stop her when she wished it.
She steered the horse toward the trees and then breeched the tree line, which was roughly the same time that bright flashes of lightning took to the sky.
The sky lit up brilliantly, and the ground shook beneath the horse’s hooves. It neighed and bucked and Sophia did her best to steady it.
“Easy,” she whispered into the horse’s ear. “It cannot hurt you. Not while I am – oh!” A sudden crash of lightning had the horse rearing back on its hind legs. “Careful! Easy! Easy!”
It was at that point when Sophia realized she had made a horrible mistake.
The horse bucked and kicked out. The sky lit up. The trees around her creaked and groaned in the wind, and branches fell from the sky and crashed into the earth. The horse took off, Sophia clung desperately to the side, and before long she was lost.
Things only got worse from there…
The ground became drenched in mud, and the horse struggled with every step taken. The forest grew more dense, the trees cast in darkness and rearing up all around her like monsters of the night. She soaked wet through her clothes, and the cold was felt so deep that her bones turned to ice.
What have I done…
Sophia felt like a damn fool as she tried to keep a hold of her horse; her fingers hurt, her grip loosened, and she kept on nearly slipping and falling to the wet earth.
Her goal today was to prove that she could be independent, and that she did not need her husband. More than that, it was to prove that her life was not over, and that if she was strong enough, that she could find peace and even happiness somehow.
Ironically, if this storm persisted, she truly felt that her life might be at its end.
Sophia was lost. She was wet and cold. She could hardly keep her horse in order. And as the rain poured down, as the lightning and thunder continued, and as the horse grew more panicked, she knew beyond a doubt that she had made a terrible mistake.
This is why I always follow the rules…