Chapter 26 #2
Gabriel needed to forget about Sophia. He needed to remember how he used to be and why he had loved his old life so much.
Nothing would happen between him and Lady Clarissa, of course, but that was not the point.
Simply being in the presence of another woman, that feelings he used to get, would surely snap him out of this funk and return him to the man he once was.
Do I even want to be that man anymore? I thought I did but…
They arrived at the park thirty minutes later.
It was a large park on the outskirts of London, one frequented by fellow members of the peerage who did not wish to waste time travelling into London proper; Hyde Park was more popular, but it was busy, and not nearly as beautiful as everyone pretended that it was.
This park was just as lush. The flowerbeds were just as colorful and vibrant.
The grass was thick and verdant. The hedges were trimmed and styled with flair.
The white-stone path that wound through the park was pristine.
And, as expected, there were plenty of fellow peers all about, but not so many that they got in the way.
“Oh yes,” Clarissa purred as they started down the pathway; it skirted the park’s edges before branching off and cutting in several directions across the park’s interior. “This is just what we need.”
“It is a fine day for it.”
“I am surprised you are not spending it with your wife.”
“I…” Gabriel hesitated, as if to lie was wrong. “We meant to. Perhaps tomorrow, if the weather holds.”
“Yes…” She watched him out the side of her eyes. “I am sure that you will.”
It was likely Gabriel’s imagination, but he sensed that Lady Clarissa knew more than she was letting on.
It was the way that she looked at him, and the things that she said.
Suggestive comments, prying around the edges of his and Sophia’s relationship.
If Gabriel did not know any better, he would have sworn that she knew.
If she did, she was being rather bold. As they walked, she made sure that they linked arms, and she laughed and was always touching him whenever she spoke.
It made Gabriel uncomfortable. More so when he noticed people watching them, because most knew who he was and who he was married to, and all knew that Lady Clarissa was not Sophia.
“I was sad that you left so early last evening,” Clarissa said as they walked. “Was something the matter?”
“No,” he said. “In truth, we were only there for Sophia’s performance. Once she finished, there was no need to stay any longer.”
“Forgive me for saying…” She sighed and looked away as if embarrassed. “But I thought that I noticed something off about Her Grace. We spoke briefly before her performance, and she seemed…” She clicked her tongue. “Distracted.”
“Oh?”
“I thought she had taken ill.” Clarissa laughed. “But you say that she is fine?”
“She is.”
“That is good to hear.” She reached over with her spare hand and rested it on Gabriel’s arm. “She is a kind soul. Innocent and fair. I would hate for anything to be wrong with her.”
He swallowed. “She is quite fine.”
“Good. Good. In truth…” She laughed playfully. “I was surprised when I heard of your marriage. As most were, I assume.” More playful laughter. “You forget how well I know you, Gabriel. And you and Her Grace, you just never…” She exhaled loudly. “You never made much sense to me.”
“Do you know Sophia well?”
“Not as well as I might.”
“Then you do not know what you are talking about.” The words came sharper than he meant for them to, and Gabriel felt immediate guilt. “I am sorry, Clarissa. I should not have –”
“No, no,” she said. “I was wrong for questioning you. If you tell me that you are both happy, then you are. And truly, I could not be happier for you.”
Gabriel said nothing. His insides squirmed and his knees trembled.
“It is not as if you and I…” She laughed and shook her head. “Certainly not now that you are married. A shame too, as I am not the woman I once was.”
“Clarissa…”
“I am just saying.” She held onto his arm and looked at him as they walked. “I have changed, Gabriel. As have you. I just thought that you should know it.”
“I am married, Clarissa.”
“I know that you are. What are you…” She leaned back and touched her chest in shock. “Did you think? Oh, my!” She gasped. “Gabriel, I was not suggesting…” She laughed and slapped his arm. “You know how I am. Once I start speaking, I cannot stop. Forget I said anything.”
Gabriel was certain now that Clarissa’s visit was not a coincidence. Likely, she had gotten a sense that something was wrong last evening, and just as likely she was trying to worm her way between the cracks that she believed were forming in his marriage.
It was not unexpected of someone like Lady Clarissa Harwood. In fact, her forward nature was what Gabriel used to like about her. Now, it was repellent, too aggressive, and certainly inappropriate. Even was he single, there was nothing about her that he found attractive. Not anymore.
Is that because I have changed that much? Or is it because there is only one person who I do find attractive, who I want more than anything, and who I can no longer have?
They walked together for an hour.
Throughout, Clarissa did most of the talking, and almost everything she said was suggestive.
She dropped snide comments about Sophia, she made lude comments about herself, and she was constantly proposing suppers and drinks and more time spent together in ways that she used to when he was a single man.
When they arrived back at the manor later, Clarissa even went so far as to exit the carriage once Gabriel had climbed out.
“Where are you going?” He blocked the door.
She frowned. “I am coming in… oh, Gabriel.” She rolled her eyes. “Do not give me that look. I just thought that with the hour turned so late, that we might sup? Surely, your wife is home by now. And she will not mind.”
“That is not a good idea,” he said, still blocking the door.
“And why not?” she demanded. “Are we not friends?”
It was so much more complicated than that.
Maybe they were friends. Maybe they were not. Maybe Clarissa was trying to seduce him, or maybe she had no idea that Sophia was gone. It made no difference.
Gabriel felt alone like he never had before, and for once in his life it was the type of loneliness that could not be filled with the company of other women.
There was only one woman in his life who could save him, and as she was not going to be doing so anytime soon, he did not see the point of trying to replace her.
It was right then, as Gabriel looked upon Lady Clarissa Harwood, as he remembered their past, how much fun they had, the type of man who he was all those years ago, that Gabriel finally started to accept the truth of who he had become.
Rather than scorning it, for the first time yet, he began to accept it as reality.
“We are not friends,” he said with a deep sigh. “We never were, Clarissa. Not really.”
“Gabriel, that is not true!”
“It is,” he said simply. “And for that reason, no, you cannot come inside. I am a married man, and it would not be appropriate. In fact…” He tightened his brow with determination. “If you do plan on visiting me again, I ask that you send ahead. Likely, I will be busy. Busy with my wife.”
With that said, he closed the door before Clarissa had a chance to say anything else.
The carriage started back down the driveway, and Gabriel watched it go. It felt good to admit the truth finally. He was no longer the rake of old, no longer a bachelor known for womanizing and all sorts of wicked deeds. Sophia had changed him, and that was something to smile about.
Then he turned and spied the empty manor looming over him. The windows were dark. The building sat still. There was a hollow presence about the manor, as if to walk inside would see him swallowed, chewed up, and spat back out.
It was one thing to admit that he had changed, but another to do anything about it. And sadly, as Gabriel sulked back inside, he came to realize that this change of his was too little, too late. He was alone, it was all his fault, and there was nothing he could do.
A rake no longer, married to a woman who did not want him, Gabriel was alone. The irony was thick, and it echoed throughout the empty manor as he closed the door behind and braced for a long and lonely life.
In truth, it was nothing less than he deserved.