Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
The following morning began in a way that was becoming predictable. Arabella found Timothy once he was dressed and ready for the day. They walked to the breakfast room together, and no sooner were they seated than did Caspian join them.
“I am not late, am I?” he asked as he strode into the room.
“Just on time,” she assured him.
He beamed as he walked down the table. As he passed Timothy’s chair, he stroked the boy on the head lovingly. Timothy accepted it, seeming to sit a little bit taller even.
How has he changed so much? Perhaps this is who he always has been, and he just needed to prove it to himself?
“So, what are your plans today?” Caspian asked as he sat down. “Or do you need me to make them for us?”
Indeed, he had changed so much. He no longer seemed unsure of himself, awkward at the idea of being open and emotionally available. He did not glower. He did not sneer or snarl. He was happy, Arabella realized, and truly proud of what he was becoming.
Arabella was much the same.
She had spent much of last evening thinking about what she had done with her father’s letter.
There was still a small part of her that worried about it, knowing too well how furious her father would be.
But whenever the fear threatened to take her, she thought of her husband, and that pushed the fear away.
It was late last evening when Arabella came to a realization that changed everything, or perhaps just confirmed what she had already known.
Yes, she wanted to be independent and free, and yes, she hated the idea of being controlled. For a time, she had assumed that marriage itself was the antithesis of this, and that she could not have both: freedom and marriage. She knew now how wrong she had been.
A marriage was a partnership. She was free, and she knew that Caspian would never try to control her or tell her what to do. But he was also there to help and protect her when she needed it. This did not mean that she was under his control, more that she had him by her side; an equal, not a master.
It was what her father never had; he viewed his wife and daughter as possessions to be owned.
The same was true for Caspian’s father, who did not see marriage as a union of equals.
Recognizing this difference was what would set her marriage apart from those they both grew up with, and that was why it would succeed.
So, she looked at him as he sat down. She studied her husband, reveling in their newfound companionship.
And as she smiled at his son down the table, laughing at the faces that Timothy pulled, she began to realize that companionship and compatibility were not enough.
There was a fluttering in her heart, a swelling in her chest, and she knew then what it meant.
Am I… is it possible that I am falling for my husband?
Stranger still, such a realization did not strike fear or reservation into her. Rather, she was excited about it and excited to see where it might lead.
What was more, she was excited to find out if Caspian might one day feel the same way about her.
“No plans today,” she told him once he turned back from Timothy. “Which means…” She grinned. “That you get to spend the day with us.”
He frowned as if confused. “That is assuming I want such a thing.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh yes, I am sure that you are so busy.”
“No!” Timothy exclaimed. “You are not busy.” He glowered at Caspian as if daring him to say differently.
Caspian just laughed. “Well, perhaps I can move a few things around. In fact, I plan on it.”
It was at that moment that a footman hurried into the room.
“Your Grace,” he announced as he came to a stop by the end of the table. “Your carriage has just arrived.” He looked right at Arabella, so there could be no doubt who he spoke to.
She blinked. “My carriage?”
“Yes, Your Grace,” he said. “Send by the Dowager Duchess. Its driver claims that the two of you had plans today.”
Caspian scoffed. “And she accuses me of being busy.”
“Plans…” Arabella’s frown deepened. “I… I do not remember having plans.”
Did she? She tried her best to recall if the Dowager had asked her to spend the day, but she could not remember such an invitation. And it was so unlike Arabella to be forgetful like that.
Caspian laughed, and when she looked at him, he raised a knowing eyebrow. “Perhaps she wrote to you, and such a letter became lost…”
“Lost? How would that happen?”
He glanced quickly at Timothy before looking back at her. Again, his look was knowing, as was his grin. “I seem to remember an incident by the correspondence table that might have resulted in such a thing.”
“An incident…” Her eyes widened with understanding, and her cheeks turned so pink that she felt them burn. “Oh.”
“Incident? What happened?” Timothy asked.
Arabella could have died from embarrassment! She looked away, unable to meet Caspian’s knowing stare. And as Timothy questioned her again, Caspian simply laughed.
To be fair, it was rather amusing. Further to that point, Arabella was pleased that Caspian was willing to remind her of what they had done. Still, neither of them had mentioned it directly, so the fact that he brought it up showed it had been on his mind, just as it had been on hers.
“It looks as if I am busy today.” She widened her eyes with warning at Caspian. “Perhaps you and Timothy can spend the day together instead?”
“Oh…” Caspian leaned back, a moment of dread passing across his face.
“Yes!” Timothy cried. “Can we? Please!” He looked eagerly at Caspian, desperate for him to say yes.
Caspian saw Arabella watching him. He then looked at Timothy, who remained eager. And it was because of this that the dread faded from his face, replaced by a sense of excitement. He did, after all, want to be a better father, so what better chance was there than this?
“That sounds exactly like what I want to do,” he said.
“Tell the driver I will be out shortly,” Arabella told the footman. “Once I finish breaking my fast.”
They spent the next thirty minutes eating together.
Nothing exciting was said. No great revelations were made.
But it was easy, simple, effortless, and perfect.
Finally, after having tried so hard, they were starting to turn into a family, and from the way Caspian smiled and Timothy beamed, Arabella knew that such things were not an accident and would not end abruptly.
This is my life now, and I could not be happier with it.
Arabella left once she finished breaking her fast, and things became awkward immediately.
Caspian was still seated at the head of the table, while Timothy sat one place down. Their plates were cleared promptly, which left them together. At first, Caspian said nothing, and Timothy joined him in silence, which was their only companion.
Well… this is thoroughly uncomfortable.
“How did you like breakfast?” he asked Timothy.
“It was good,” Timothy said as he fidgeted with his hands.
“Good,” Caspian said. “I am glad.” He clicked his tongue, still uncertain of how to proceed. “How is Miss White treating you?” he asked next. “Are you enjoying your lessons?”
Timothy shrugged. “They are fine.”
“Good,” Caspian said again.
Again, silence found them.
It had never occurred to Caspian how little time he had spent with Timothy. The boy had lived with him for three years, and while they had never been close during that time, he did not consider just how little they knew one another.
Mostly, his relationship with Timothy was through chastisement. Always, the boy was in trouble, and it was up to Caspian to ensure that he was kept in line. Not in a way that had Caspian punishing him, but surely Timothy saw Caspian as a firm hand and a strict reminder to be on his best behavior.
But spending time together as a father and son might? It was unheard of. And that was a problem… One that Caspian needed to fix.
“What…” He cleared his throat. “What would you like to do today?” he asked Timothy.
Timothy shrugged and continued to fidget with his hands. “I do not mind.”
“What would you and Arabella do if it were just the two of you?”
“Card games, mostly,” Timothy said. “Sometimes, we go for a walk. Or I might hide, and she will try to find me. But we do not have to do that if you do not want.” His brow furrowed, and he looked down at his lap. “I can… You do not have to spend time with me. I do not mind.”
Caspian winced, even rearing back as if struck.
He had known that his relationship with Timothy needed to improve, but he had had no idea just how bad it was. That Timothy assumed Caspian would rather be alone than spend the day with him… It hurt, quite frankly. Worse still, it was exactly how Caspian had always felt about his father.
“Card games?” Caspian tried to summon enthusiasm. “That sounds… fun.” And he failed miserably.
Timothy forced a smile. “Which is your favorite?”
Caspian did not have a favorite card game. At least not one that a boy should play. What was more, he did not think that such a thing was the way that he and Timothy ought to bond. That was for Timothy and Arabella, and if Caspian was going to grow close to the child, he needed something else.
Think Caspian. If you were eight years old, what would you want to do?
Caspian almost laughed at the thought of himself as an eight-year-old.
When he was that age, he had not yet realized how much he hated his father, or how much his father hated him.
Oh, how he used to idolize the man, desperate for his attention, always doing whatever it took for his father to notice him.
It was as Caspian walked down that sordid memory that something occurred to him—a faint reminder of a question he had once asked his own father, only to be thoroughly refused.
He could remember it like it was yesterday. He was ten, and he dared to knock on his father’s door to ask if he might take him for a horse ride. Caspian did not know how to at that time, and he was desperate to learn. What was more, he had been foolish enough to think that his father would say yes.
“Horse riding? Why would I waste my time with that? Be gone, boy. Ask one of the stable hands.” His father had then shooed him away, a look of utmost disgust on his face. That was the last time that Caspian had asked his father for anything.
“Say…” Caspian straightened up, a sudden pulse of excitement shooting through him. “I have an idea what we might do.”
Timothy looked awkwardly at him, as if worried about what the answer might be.
“Have you learned to ride a horse yet?” Caspian asked. “I have a sense that Miss White has been a little negligent with such things.”
“Horses?” Timothy brightened up immediately, and Caspian could literally see the thrill come to life behind his eyes. “Really?”
“Yes,” Caspian laughed. “You ought to learn to ride. And seeing as Arabella is not here…” Caspian grinned. “It is time I prove to you that Arabella is not the only one capable of having a good time with you. I can be just as fun. More so, even.”
Timothy laughed. “Yes! I mean…” He pulled back his excitement. “I would like that very much.”
Caspian breathed a sigh of relief. It was such a small thing, nothing out of the ordinary, an activity that any father and son would typically engage in. And that was why it mattered.
“Then it will be done,” he said. “Run upstairs, clean up, and meet me outside in thirty minutes.” Timothy jumped from his chair. “Oh, and Timothy…” Caspian raised an eyebrow at him.
“Yes?” Timothy paused, suddenly wary.
“When I say thirty minutes, I mean thirty minutes. If you are not there, I will go without you. So, try to be on time.” He winked. “If you think that you can.”
“I can! I will!” With that, Timothy turned and sprinted from the room.
As for Caspian? He breathed out a deep sigh, let his shoulders drop, and sank down in his chair. Relaxed, was how he felt, and a little too proud of himself. It was all well and good to spend time with Timothy when Arabella was there, but he needed to learn to do it on his own.
I am not my father…
That was a thought that Caspian repeated as he rose from his chair and made his way from the breakfast room. And to further prove the point, he realized he was not doing this because he thought he should, but because he wanted to.
Caspian wanted to spend time with Timothy, just as he wanted to be a better father to him than he had been. And that was why Caspian was different, and that was proof that he had changed.
No… not changed. I was always this way. It is only now that I am finally able to see it.