Chapter 9
Lucy was unable to find sleep that night.
As this was the first night in her new home, the bed was alien to her, and the walls suffocated as if they slowly inched closer and closer. She tossed and she turned, she threw back her blanket, she kicked out her legs in a vein effort to find some semblance of comfort.
Comfort, however, was not the issue at hand.
On the surface, the problem might appear an obvious one.
This was not a marriage that she wanted and, if the first few hours of this marriage were an indication, it was not something that she would grow into.
She and her husband had hardly spoken, and the few times that they had done, it did not go well.
He is infuriating. And the way he spoke to me earlier… as if I am somehow to blame. What does he expect? That I should roll over, submit, accept my lot and be grateful that things are not worse?
She tried to channel that anger, wanting to direct it onto the Duke’s shoulders so that he might bear the entire load of her troubles.
Annoyingly, things were not so easy as that.
He was right in what he said earlier. Dammit, how he was! While she did not think that she owed him anything, she knew just as well that there was no need for her to treat him with such hostility.
This marriage was off to a terrible start and try as she might, Lucy could not avoid the sense that it was mostly her doing.
Tomorrow… assuming he does not behave so callously… maybe we can start again. Maybe we can find a way to make this marriage not the worst of things.
Lucy came to that decision and hoped it would ease her so that she could sleep. Alas, as soon as she did so, another problem reared its ugly head…
Eyes closed, breathing still heavy, Lucy’s mind returned to what the Duke had said to her earlier. The way he had stood over her. How he had reached out and flicked back a strand of hair… and how his fingers had lightly traced her skin.
Despite herself, a warmth rippled across her body, excitement felt for reasons that she refused to admit. Lucy wished to either hate her husband or feel nothing for him. So far, neither of those appeared possible.
She had no idea what hour it was. Her room was pitch black. The house sat in a state of deathly silence so all that could be heard was her breathing. Knowing now that sleep was unlikely to arrive, Lucy did as she often would when home and struggling to sleep: she went for a walk.
Silently, she slipped from her bed. Next, she found a robe and wrapped it around her body – it would not do to walk the home in just a shift. And then, taking gentle steps, she eased herself from her bedroom and into the hallway of her new home.
Lucy had no idea where she was going but that did not matter.
I need to clear my head. What do I want? What do I expect? How can I…
She was halfway down the hallway when a noise that cut through her subconscious ramblings. In some ways, it was a relief, as her mind was a runaway horse since night fell and she was glad to have something to distract her. On the other hand…
Lucy’s stomach plunged through the floor and her face paled because she recognized that noise, just as she knew how in over her head she was.
It was the sound of a baby crying.
The babe’s wailing was soft at first, but in the silence of the night it ripped down the hallway and attacked her as if the baby was calling out to her personally.
Lucy froze where she stood, terror sweeping her, because for all her worries about this marriage and what she might do, she had blissfully ignored the most pressing concern.
The baby… the child he expects me to raise… the one that I have no idea what to do with or how I can possibly be expected to help! What were you thinking, Lucy?
She crept down the hall as if pulled by the cries of the baby. It grew louder as she went and despite how dark it was, she made her way, running her hand along the walls to guide her.
Soon, she found herself outside of the nursery. The door was open, and she stayed on the opposite side of the doorway, not daring to cross the threshold because as alien as this new life already was, that one was another matter entirely.
Through the darkness, she could just make out the baby’s cot. The walls of the cot were raised, but within came the source of the crying. The longer she stood there, the longer she gaped, the louder it became, and the more severe was her panic.
Lucy had no idea how to raise a child. None.
When Marcus told her what he wanted from her, she had said as much, while also admitting that it should not be so hard to learn.
What else could she say? She was trapped, marriage to Marcus was her only option, and if she had refused him, then she would be even worse off than she was now… if such a thing is even possible!
Marcus, to his credit, did not appear too concerned about her doubts. He seemed to think that she was possessed of some motherly instinct that she did not know. Or maybe he just assumed that all women had it in them to care for a baby?
Whatever the case, she had agreed to help him raise the infant. So, here she was, frozen in the doorway, listening to it cry for her, knowing not what to do or how to do it.
She glanced down the hallway, expecting help to come.
She took half a step forward, paused again, the wailings like the rushing of wind pushing her back. The sound was alien to her, and it sent spikes of fear through her body and into her soul…
Be brave, Lucy. You have no choice in this! Besides, it sounds as if the baby needs you… what else can I do but try and help?
With a deep breath, she steeled her nerves and waded into the room.
The baby was indeed awake – obviously! On its back, its face was pinched tight, its skin turned red, tears pouring down its cheeks. While Lucy assumed that to look upon the baby would bring with it feelings of anxiety, what she felt instead was… she wasn’t sure.
She wasn’t as scared as she assumed that she would be. Still nervous, there was a tingling of curiosity that made her reach down for the babe. It cried louder when it saw her coming, but she clenched her jaw, scooped her arms under its tiny body, and lifted it in the air.
“There, there…” she cooed as she brought the baby against her chest. “Easy now…”
She had no idea what to do and the baby seemed to know it. Still, it cried. Still, it wailed. And still, it served to remind her of how out of her depth she was. A marriage would be difficult enough, but this? This was something else entirely.
“James, isn’t it?” she spoke over the crying. “Believe me, I know exactly where you are coming from. I would ask what you want but I sense you will not be able to tell me.”
And still, little James screamed murder.
What are you doing, Lucy? The baby cannot answer you! It does not understand! This is too much… all of it… the marriage… the child…
She began to panic. The walls began to turn. Her legs began to tremble. Her breathing turned labored and heavy. Lucy was on the verge of having a full-blown panic attack.
“Your Grace!” from the doorway, a woman’s voice cut through the noise.
Lucy snapped her head around and breathed a sigh of relief to see an elderly maid and another woman rushing toward them both. One was old, the other young, and both looked like they knew what they were doing.
“We are so sorry,” the elderly maid apologized as she came into the room. “We should have been here.”
“It is no problem,” Lucy lied as she handed the baby over. The moment that she did, she just about collapsed with relief. “Truly…” She breathed deeply. “It was perfectly fine.”
“There, there now…” the elderly maid cooed as she held the baby to her chest, swaying it back and forth, stroking it gently on the back. “What’s the matter, little one? You must be hungry.”
“Here I am.” The other woman, the younger one, stepped forward. “At your service, little one.”
Lucy eyed the two with abject curiosity. Already, James had calmed down considerably, which made no sense to Lucy. What was the maid doing that she did not?
Maybe James just knows how unfit I am? He could sense my lack of experience and was screaming for someone better.
The younger of the two women took James in her arms and sat down on a rocking chair by the cot. Then, she unbuttoned her blouse and soon James suckled on her breast. This saw his crying stop at once, and both silence and calm finally found the room.
“He was hungry,” the older of the two women explained to Lucy. “But he is one now, so we are in the process of weaning him off these late-night feedings. Clearly, James has not quite caught on yet.”
“I doubt it will be any time soon,” the other chuckled as James fed. “The little dear, he’s going to grow up big and strong if he keeps feeding at this rate.”
Lucy was awash with emotions.
Relief flooded her because she realized that this was not something she could do. She had worried that she would be expected to care for the child fully, something that she was totally unprepared for. At least now, she would have some help, and the child would be safer because of it.
Also, she felt something else… something that she could not quite explain. It made her stomach twist into knots. Was it jealousy? Was it shame? How effortlessly these two women had stopped James’ crying, while she stood there like a great big fool.
“Where is the Duke?” Lucy asked, needing to distract herself. “Is he coming to check on the child?”
The response from the two women was not what Lucy expected.
They looked at one another, a silent conversation passing between them. Pressed lips. Tight brows. Neither willing to voice what was clearly on their minds.
“His Grace helps where he can,” the eldest of the two said. “But he is a busy man, and we do not expect him to be waiting on the child at all hours. That is what we are for.”
Lucy supposed that this was not surprising. Nothing about the Duke so far told her that he was a bastion of fatherhood and the very fact that he was so desperate to marry her should have been enough to confirm that he was not up to the task of raising a child.
Then again, neither am I…
“You may go to bed, Your Grace,” the older of the two women said. “The hour is late and you need your rest. It has been a big day.”
“Oh.” Lucy hesitated. “Are you sure? I can…” Can what? Stare and gawk stupidly? It is about all I am good for.
“It is quite fine, Your Grace,” she said gently, even resting a hand on Lucy’s shoulder and turning her to face the door. “There will be plenty of time for the two of you to become acquainted.”
Lucy should have sprinted for that doorway.
Rather, she slunk across the room, reached the doorway, and turned back to watch the two women look after the baby. They were so confident and so assured. And James, as silly as it was to say, seemed to appreciate them both. Certainly more than he had Lucy’s efforts.
Lucy was not cut out for raising a child, and that was not something that upset her. But she was stubborn, she was determined, and she slowly came to accept that if this marriage was going to work at all, she needed to do better.
What a low bar that is…