Chapter 10
Marcus heard James crying from his room.
He lay awake, listening to the child’s screams, knowing that he should go and check on the baby, while unable to bring himself to do so.
What will checking on the child even accomplish? I will only make it worse if I do. It is as if James knows how hopeless I am, as if my mere presence upsets him.
Besides, Helga will be there shortly to help. She is far more capable than I could ever be.
Blessedly, the cries soon ceased, and Marcus exhaled with relief, while doing what he could to push down the feelings of cowardice that consumed him. He did the right thing by adopting James, but his actions since had left much to be desired.
Even this marriage, done for the right reasons, felt like a mistake. Lucy had told him herself that she was not exactly experienced when it came to child rearing, and he doubted that she was possessed of some motherly instinct that would appear once she met the child.
So, why did I even marry her? It is an easy thing to say that I had little choice… that she was the best of a bad option… but that feels like an excuse.
It was an excuse he had no choice but to accept. Desperate to find a mother, presented with an opportunity that he could not pass up, he had acted as he thought was best. Not the most resounding of reasons, but it would have to do for now.
Sleep did not come easily after that.
Mostly, it was the stress of this marriage that plagued his thoughts.
While Marcus wanted to distance himself from Lucy as much as possible, he could not escape his sister’s warning.
If this marriage was to work, he and Lucy would need to find some sort of middle ground to work with.
They would never be close, but they might be companionable.
If not for their sake, for that of the child.
Not that Lucy’s behavior so far promised such a thing.
He chuckled to himself as he remembered how cantankerous she had acted today. She was angry with him. She seemed to blame him for this circumstance. And he wondered if she would find it within herself to get past her annoyance with him. If she even wanted to.
But what do I want? Putting aside James. Putting aside how this marriage started. What do I really want from this union?
The easy answer was that he wanted nothing. Marcus did not believe in the foolish notion of romance found in marriage. His parents had certainly never shown such a thing. Marriage was a business, a contract with purpose, and he had found that purpose in Lucy. That was all he needed from her.
And yet…
As his eyes closed, as sleep started to take him, his mind drifted back to their final interaction. Not her hostility. Not her stubbornness. Rather, the look on her face when he joked about them sharing a room. If he did not know any better, she had almost agreed to it.
A smile found his lips as sleep consumed him. The bed was comfortable. The blanket was warm. As he drifted into a deep sleep, it was thoughts of this singular moment that rocked him gently into a slumber.
* * *
“Good morning.” Marcus walked into the breakfast room, surprised to find Lucy already seated and eating. “Did you sleep well?”
He asked the question, even though an answer was not needed.
While his wife was a beautiful creature, her appearance this morning might have taken umbrage with such a categorization as that.
She looked a fright. Green eyes that were sunken.
Red hair a bird’s nest atop her head. And while her plate was filled with toast and eggs and strips of mutton, she poked idly at it, lost in a daze as if she might fall asleep at the table.
“Wonderfully,” she said icily.
He stopped at the end of the table. While Marcus often broke his fast first thing of a morning, finding his wife already at the table gave him pause.
It was a tightrope that he walked. On the one hand, he knew that he had to at least try and be companionable, and that sharing breakfast with his wife was certainly that. While, on the other, he was not ready to commit to such a thing yet.
She certainly does not want me to. Why, I have no doubt that if I sat down, she would stand right up and excuse herself. If for no other reason than to show me that she can.
All that was to say that he and Lucy needed to have a good long talk. Now that they were married, it would do to establish rules and boundaries. Not the most romantic sentiment by any means but it wasn’t supposed to be. This marriage was a business, and it needed to be treated as one.
“When you are finished, I would like to see you in my office,” he said.
She balked at the comment. “Excuse me?”
“My office,” he repeated simply. “It is upstairs, on the third level, just down –”
“I am not asking where it is,” she cut him off angrily. “I wish to know why you think it is acceptable to order me about. I thought I was free to do as I wished? You said as much.” She raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
He suppressed a groan. “I am not ordering you about, Lucy. And I meant what I said.”
“Then why –”
“However,” he cut her off sharply, “as mentioned yesterday, we have much to discuss, you and I. If this marriage is to work in any capacity, rules and boundaries must be established. Do you not agree?” He raised his own eyebrow at her in return.
“I guess…”
“Ergo, if you would be so kind as to meet me in my office once you finish breaking your fast, we might discuss said rules and boundaries. Once we do, we can carry on with this marriage to the best of our abilities. Hopefully, without killing one another.”
She had the good grace to look embarrassed by her reaction. A bowed head, a suppressed grimace, and her shoulders sunk. “I am sorry, I should not have…”
“Should not have what?”
She snapped her head up and flashed a sarcastic smile. “I will be there shortly, if it pleases you.”
“It does.” He eyed her a moment more, feeling a need to assert himself, to show her that he was not affected by her sullen temper. “Good,” he said with finality, turning then and striding from the room.
As he walked away, he felt her watch him.
Was Marcus one to do so, he might have chuckled at her cheek. She was so determined to establish her authority, and to prove to him that he did not own her, that she had completely lost her head and common sense.
While he was certain that would fade once they had the coming discussion, he knew too how hopeful that was.
As effortless as I wish for this marriage to be, all evidence implies the opposite will be true. Let us just pray that this conversation goes well… that both of us can keep our cool.
It was one hour later when Lucy appeared in the doorway.
Marcus started when he saw her… just because she looked so different to how she had at breakfast. Her red hair was combed, full, and it flowed down her back like a waterfall made of fire.
Her green eyes were piercing in the dim light of his office, wide set, and determined as if she was already on the offensive.
And while she wore simple half-dress, the pure white of her muslin blended with her milky skin, clung to her body, and reminded Marcus of how stunning his wife could be when she wished it.
In fact, he stared at her for a moment longer than he intended, his mind once more returning to the previous day and those dreams he’d had about her…
“You wished to see me?” she said with bite.
“What?” Marcus shook his head and cleared his thoughts. “Yes, thank you.” He gestured to the chair across from his desk.
She hesitated with nervous energy. This made Marcus smirk, glad to see that despite her desire to assert herself, she was not nearly as confident and assured as she wanted him to think.
She exhaled deeply, set her jaw, and strode into his office.
“How was breakfast?” he asked as she pulled out her seat and sat down across from him. “If it was not to standard, I can speak to the cook for you?”
“It was fine.” She shifted in her chair; her hands folded on her lap, then by her side, then on her lap again. “And I am capable of speaking to them myself.”
Marcus looked right at her, a raised eyebrow.
“But thank you…” She grimaced with guilt.
She is so defensive. Untrusting. It is as if she wants me to have lied to her, proof that I am not what I said, that her worst fears are real.
“I guess we should get right to it.” Marcus folded his hands on the desk and looked right at her.
Then he smiled when she tried to meet his eyes, only to look away under the intensity of his gaze.
“First thing is first, the reason that we married. Rather, the reason that I asked for us to marry.” He raised an eyebrow at her.
“The child,” she said.
“That’s right. I think…” His stomach twisted as if with guilt. “It is time that the two of you met.”
“We already have,” she said quickly.
Marcus balked. “You… you have?”
“That’s right.” She smirked proudly. “Last night, I heard him crying and went to help.”
“But Helga…”
“Helga is the maid, yes? She seemed lovely, as did the wet nurse.” She shrugged in a nonchalant manner. “Regardless, I attended James until they arrived.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“How was he?”
“Oh.” She blinked. “He was…” He saw it then, her hesitation, the false bravado wither suddenly. “He was fine. I was fine. It was no trouble at all.”
She was lying about that. Anybody could see it. But she did not want to say as much, as if she needed to prove to Marcus that she was up to this task.
Or does she want to prove it to herself.
“That is good to hear,” he said, choosing not to push her on it. “And that will make things a lot easier. Still, I will be sure to speak with Helga and Margaret. They have spent the most time with James, and I am sure that the three of you will become very well acquainted.”
“If you say so.” She bit into her lip and shifted. “Also… I was wondering. You have told me already that the child is not your own, but you have not told me the reason.” She looked at him.
“I have not.”