Chapter 11
What are you doing, Lucy? Embarrassing yourself, is what. You have no business here, and even the baby knows it.
Lucy stood outside the nursery, bracing herself for the inevitable. She had been putting off visiting baby James all morning but knew that to continue to do so would solve nothing. She had promised Marcus that she would help with the baby, and she meant to follow through on that promise.
Even if she was certain to only make things worse.
In truth, she might have put it off for even longer, was it not for the conversation she and Marcus had earlier. It still rattled about in her mind, bringing with it conflicting emotions and confusion both.
It was a discussion that they needed to have, and Lucy was relieved that Marcus had been the one to insist on it.
More than that, she was relieved by how the discussion had gone, and while she was not ready to make any outrageous claims about what this marriage might become, like a lone candle pushing away the darkness of night, there was a flicker of hope deep within, the sense that things might not be nearly so bad as they could be.
It is getting harder for me to dislike him, or to not trust him at his word. He appears honest in what he promised, and until he gives me a reason to think otherwise… the least I can do is try.
That was why she stood outside the nursery, bracing herself. Done with her initial hostility, finished with her desire to make her complaints known, it was time that Lucy accepted her lot and made the best of the situation.
Also, there was a part of herself that rather liked the idea of Marcus being impressed with her…
“Might I come in?” She knocked on the doorway to the nursery and stepped inside.
“Oh! Your Grace.” The older woman from the previous night sat nursing the baby. It was sound asleep in her arms, totally at peace with the world. “I was not expecting you.”
“This is not a bad time, I hope.”
“Not at all,” she said with a pleasant smile. “In fact, the timing is perfect.”
The older woman’s name was Helga, and she had a kindly face. It was the type that invited immediate trust, as if she would not dare to hurt so much as a fly. Indeed, little James seemed to think as much as he slept soundly in her arms.
“I did not have a chance to properly introduce myself last evening,” Lucy said as she waded cautiously into the nursery. “I was not myself.”
“Oh, I know who you are,” Helga said. “We all do, of course. Perhaps I should be the one apologizing.”
“Whatever for?”
“I fear that Margaret and I were a tad short with you last evening.” She smiled apologetically. “His Grace has told us that you mean to care for little James as a mother, and that we should afford you all the help you require. We should not have hurried you from the room as we did.”
“Please, there is no need to apologize.”
“And yet, I am going to do it anyway.” Helga laughed softly, sure not to wake the baby.
Lucy smiled at the joke, appreciating how it eased her awkwardness because surely Helga could sense just how out of place Lucy was.
Even James seems to shift closer to Helga’s chest, as if he can – no, Lucy. Do not go down that path again. He is just a baby!
“Might I ask if you have any experience with children?” Helga asked as if she could read Lucy’s thoughts.
Lucy’s eyes widened and she searched for an answer that would not make her appear a complete fool. “I… not as much as I might like.” Helga looked at her plainly and Lucy grimaced. “That is to say, I have none.”
She braced for the reprieve. No doubt, someone as experienced as Helga would wonder why she thought that she was capable of caring for James, and what it was that she was even supposed to do.
“So, you are like most mothers then,” Helga chuckled.
“Excuse me?”
“There is a myth about motherhood that needs to be dismissed,” Helga explained.
“This idea that once a woman has her first child, she will immediately become blessed with the skills required to take care of the child. As if it is somehow an inborn yearning that we all have.” She clicked her tongue and shook her head.
“This could not be further from the truth.”
“But surely some women are better than others?”
“And why would they be? That is like saying all men known how to ride horses just because they have stronger arms and thighs. I tell you now, I have met many a many who looks about as comfortable on a horse as he does walking a tightrope.”
“I…” Lucy hesitated. “What if I cannot learn? Have you ever met someone who is so hopeless that the child is better off without them?”
“That is nonsense,” Helga said. “No child is better off without a mother. Yes, some women might take to it easier than others but, like with all things, practice is how we improve.”
Lucy nodded her head, her confidence growing, even if it had no right to do so.
“Would you like to hold him?” Helga gestured to James.
Lucy balked. “What if I wake him?”
“So what if you do?”
“What if I drop him?”
Helga laughed. “You have two arms, don’t you? Two eyes. Do you make a habit of dropping things, Your Grace? If I was to pass you a book, would it fall to the floor?”
“Well, no, but –”
“When God decided that mankind should rear their own children, He knew what He was doing. He knows how clumsy we can be, the mistakes that we make. Children are not vases made of glass, Your Grace. They are more resilient than you think.” Then she laughed.
“Not that I am suggesting that you should not be careful. Merely that there is no need to feel such terror over what is a perfectly natural thing.”
Helga’s words made perfect sense but still, Lucy hesitated.
She grew hot as her nerves took her. Sweat beaded on her forehead. Her legs trembled. She was not cut out for this – she never wanted to be! She never wanted to marry! Yet here she was, married, and forced to take care of a child that was not her own. How had she gotten herself into this mess.
“Now, I ask again, would you like to hold him?” Helga asked. “He is one, Your Grace, at an age where he grows more independent by the day. You have only seen him coming out of sleep, so you will not know it yet, but I assure you that he is quite capable. You cannot hurt him.”
Lucy nearly said no. She was so close to denying the elderly woman’s request, convinced that this was not her charge, nor should it be. Only then, she remembered her conversation with Marcus earlier.
He had promised to do as he said he would, giving her freedom in this marriage.
He did not connive to marry her. He did not trick or force her.
They were both victims here, both doing the best they could in an awful situation.
And if he was going to do his best by her, then Lucy needed to do her best too.
Even if I fail miserably, at least I will have tried…
“Y – yes,” Lucy stammered, attempting to appear brave. “I think I would…”
Helga’s smile was assured and kind. “Wonderful.”
Lucy walked to where the elderly woman was seated and she held out her arms to take the child. Helga continued to smile as she gently pulled the baby back from her chest, holding him with one hand under his head, the other under his body.
“There is no trick to it,” Helga explained as she passed the baby to Lucy. “But he is sleeping, so I recommend holding one hand under… yes, just like that,” she encouraged as Lucy took James in her arms. “See, its as simple as can be.”
As soon as Lucy’s hands found the infant and pulled him into her body, she was overtaken by a sense of familiarity that she could not explain. That wasn’t to say that it felt ‘right,’ or anything like that. Rather, it did not feel nearly so wrong as she imagined.
“There you are,” Helga said as Lucy held James to her. “You’re a natural, Your Grace.”
Lucy could hardly believe it.
She looked down at James, who still slept soundly and in total peace. His head nuzzled into her chest, his breathing was soft, and while she might have been imagining it, Lucy could have sworn that she saw a smile on his little lips.
“I’m doing it,” Lucy said.
“You certainly are.”
She stood in the room, gently rocking James back and forth. Lucy had always imagined such a thing to be a bore, and she often wondered how mothers spent hours sitting with their babies, holding them like this as they slept. Now, she started to understand…
“You met Margaret last evening,” Helga explained as Lucy continued to rock James. “She is the wet nurse, and she will take care of feeding. Although, I dare say, at his age, that will end soon. I will be here too, of course, and never hesitate to ask me anything you need.”
“What do I do?” Lucy asked. “When he is not sleeping?”
“Oh, any number of things,” Helga said. “Look out for him, allow him to crawl and explore and learn the world. Most of all, as his mother, you have one main job.” She looked pointedly at Lucy. “To keep him safe. After all, what else is a mother other than a protector?”
Lucy’s throat turned tight as she gazed upon the child. He was not hers. He had nothing to do with her. And yet… that will change, and I am excited to see it happen.
She had not wanted this life. She had not yearned for it, expected it, asked for it.
Motherhood was not something Lucy ever aspired to, as freedom was her calling.
But she watched James sleep, she pictured the future, knowing that she would forever be a part of it, and that made her heart swell in ways she could never have expected.
Maybe this new life wouldn’t be so bad after all…
* * *
Marcus had been walking past the nursery when he heard the voices. One belonged to Helga, the nurse, while the other was undoubtedly Lucy.
He was pleased to hear that she had visited James already. And of her own accord. While she and he had a conversation concerning such things, and while they had agreed to try their best from here on out, he had worried too that she might still resist that which he had married her for.
Marcus did not expect Lucy to take to motherhood right away. All he wanted was for her to try. He promised her freedom, and in return, this was what he needed.
That she is doing it too, without me having to press her… maybe this marriage stands a chance. Who would have guessed such a thing?
He crept toward the open nursery door so that he could better hear what was being said, and he smiled when he heard Lucy’s laughter.
“I’m doing it,” she said, delight heard clearly in her voice.
“You certainly are,” Helga responded.
Careful not to be seen, Marcus peered around the doorway, and a smile reached his lips as he saw Lucy cradle baby James in her arms in a way that almost looked natural. And even if it was not, the smile she wore certainly was.
He watched her for a moment longer than he meant to.
Marcus had never wanted to be a father, nor had he wanted to be a husband. This marriage was not about falling in love, merely a business contract, done for the sake of his deceased friend and his child. But as he stood there, observing his wife and their son…
It is hard to say what I feel. Satisfaction? Relief? Those words, although apt, fall painfully short…
He felt a sudden desire to walk into the room and be with the two of them.
It felt as if he should do. Marcus smothered that urge and then felt immediate guilt because of it.
Not that he understood why. He was doing the right thing, more than what was expected, and that should have been enough. Yet, it did not feel that way.
This marriage was still in its infancy, and he wondered where it might go. In some ways, he was curious to find out, while in others he was terrified.
It had all become so real so quickly. His Grace, the Duke of Calderwick suddenly a father, now a husband… what next? And most importantly, what did he want to come next? That, he had no answer for.