Chapter 14
“Ipromise that I am not lying,” Lady Honoria said as she took a sip of tea. She wore a straight face… a little too straight, as if she was trying to keep herself from smiling.
“You say this, but I choose not to believe you,” Lucy said rightly. “An actor? There is no way.”
“It is true!” Lady Honoria cried, dropping the facade of seriousness. “Hand over my heart. When Marcus was younger, he wanted to be an actor.”
Lucy rolled her eyes. “We are speaking of the same Marcus? My husband? A man who looks like he is in pain when he smiles.”
Lady Honoria laughed. “He does make it look difficult, doesn’t he? Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that the two of us are even related.”
Lucy was having the exact same thought.
She had been caring after James when she was told that Marcus’ sister, Lady Honoria, had arrived at the house.
Typically, Lucy assumed her husband’s elder sister was here to see him, so she thought little of it.
However, minutes later, about the time that Honoria swept into the nursery to officially introduce herself, did Lucy realize that she was who the woman wished to visit.
She was as unlike Marcus as ice was to fire.
Oh sure, they had the same dark eyes and darker hair, the same sharp features too, but that was where the similarities stopped. Lady Honoria was a joy to be around. Affable, positive to a fault, and always looking on the bright side of even the most morose of topics.
Once James fell asleep, and once Lucy assured that he would stay as such, they moved to the sitting room where they had tea poured so that they might speak further.
To call their conversation revelatory would be an understatement.
“And how old was Marcus when he was bitten by the acting bug?” Lucy asked as she sipped her own saucer of tea. “I take it this was not recent?”
“Oh, he was only eight at the time, obviously,” Lady Honoria said.
“Our parents had taken us to the theatre for the very first time, and for a good week, Marcus would talk of nothing but his newfound desire to join a traveling troupe or what have you. He would even route around in our father’s wardrobe, searching for outfits for him to perform in. ”
Lucy laughed at the image. “And what happened? Why did he not pursue this dream?”
Lady Honoria winced. “Our parents happened, is what. I can still remember the look on our father’s face when Marcus finally worked up the courage to tell him his dream.
” She winced again. “You would think that he had said he wanted to walk into the King’s bedroom and pull down his pants so he could spank his bottom. ”
Lucy burst into laughter… but stifled it when she saw the serious, even sad, expression on Honoria’s face.
“That was around the time that Marcus grew up—or was forced to do so.” She looked over her saucer of tea at Lucy. “What has he told you about our parents?”
“Not much,” Lucy said.
“Typical,” Honoria sighed. “And expected. Our parents were not exactly warm or loving. Not to us, and not to each other. Their marriage was one of business, as is standard among our peers. To marry, to secure the lineage, and to not kill one another while they were at it.”
“I take it that Marcus meant to take after them? Where marriage is concerned.”
“It would seem that way,” she sighed. “It is not his fault. And in truth, I do not even think he likes it about himself. But these lessons are learned hard, and Marcus was taught them expertly.”
Lucy knew a little of Marcus’ upbringing. And what she did not know, she had come to figure it out for herself. But to hear it told to her from a firsthand source confirmed what she had long suspected, just as it confirmed why Marcus was this way.
Perhaps I should be grateful that he isn’t nearly as bad as he could be? By the sounds of it, he had every chance to turn into a monster, which he certainly is not.
“But enough about that.” Honoria waved her down. “Pray tell, how is married life to my brother.”
Lucy shrugged. “It is fine.”
She snorted. “Meaning it is tragic.”
“No,” Lucy confirmed. “You know of our…” she considered, even looking about as if to make sure they were not overheard. “Our arrangement?”
“I do.”
“Then what else is there to say? In truth, Marcus is rather accommodating. He told me what was expected, he has not broken his promise, and that is as much as I could hope for.”
“But what do you want?” she asked.
“What do I want?”
“From this marriage?” she pressed. “Marcus might have promised you one thing – from what I have heard, you had little choice in the matter. Now that the two of you have wed, what do you want from this marriage? And from my brother? Surely it is more than this?”
The answer should have been easy to give, and it certainly should not have seen Lucy hesitate as she did.
What she wanted was exactly what she had gotten.
It was one week now since she and Marcus had married and, as promised, they had spent little real time together.
That wasn’t to say that they avoided each other, or that it was awkward when they found themselves in the same room.
It was simply that they knew what this marriage was and did not see any point in pretending differently.
But did Lucy still want this? She thought that she did. It was easy. It was simple. It was as close as could be to not being married at all, which she always believed was her lot in life.
Then why am I struggling to answer what is a simple question? Why can I not just say that I am happy and leave it at that?
Honoria continued to look at her as she waited for an answer. Lucy felt the panic rising inside of her. She was happy… she was content… she did not want to force what was not there.
Even still, late at night, once James was asleep and she lay awake and alone in bed, Lucy could not help but remember a few of those smaller moments that passed between her and Marcus when they were together.
Subtle and small, nothing to get excited about, but also real and intimate in ways that should not have been possible.
There was more to this marriage than what either of them were willing to admit. And there was certainly more than what either of them were willing to strive for.
“I know you think that I have found myself trapped in some loveless marriage,” Lucy answered finally, doing her best to dismiss these wandering thoughts.
“The truth is, I am happy – I am!” she cried when Honoria raised an eyebrow at her.
“I never wanted to marry, and this is as best as I could have hoped for.”
“And Marcus? How has he been treating you?”
She shrugged. “Well enough, when we are together.”
“And how often is that?”
“You ask a lot of questions.” Lucy narrowed her eyes jokingly.
“I am forever curious,” Honoria said. “But I am glad that you are content, Lucy.” She reached between them and rested a hand on her leg. “Just as I am glad that you are who my brother chose to marry. I sense that you and I will become the best of friends.”
“As do I,” Lucy beamed.
Was this marriage perfect? Certainly not. Did Lucy want more? She really could not say.
Perhaps one day she and Marcus would grow closer. Perhaps one day he would want to. If he did, she would not be opposed, because she rather liked the idea of at least being friends with her husband. But if he did not want such a thing, so be it.
Things could be a lot worse… and that would have to be enough.
* * *
“She is lonely!” Honoria cried and threw her hands up in the air. “Anyone can see it!”
“Oh, she is not,” Marcus sighed as he tried his best to ignore his sister.
“She is.” Honoria folded her hands on her lap. “Anyone who cares to look can see it. You, Brother, are too busy not paying attention to see what is right before your eyes.”
“What is right before my eyes is work.” Marcus gestured to the mounds of parchment stacked on the table in front of him. “And I would appreciate it if you would leave me to it.”
“Work? Who cares about work? Your wife needs you, Marcus. She is downstairs right now, wondering why her husband is not with her. And you…” She scoffed. “You are up here hiding.”
Marcus had been busy at work when he heard that his sister arrived to see him… or he thought that she had arrived to see him. When he was told of her arrival, he had groaned, muttered some choice words, but conceded that he needed the break.
However, as the minutes passed by, and as his sister did not come to see him, he realized that maybe she was not here for him. But if that was the case…
He’d had a moment of panic when he pictured Honoria with Lucy. He knew his sister well enough to know how much she liked to talk, and fear had enveloped him like a thin blanket in winter when he imagined the things that she was saying… the secrets that she was revealing.
He had very nearly hurried downstairs to interrupt her, stopping himself from doing so because if he did that then it would appear as if he cared about what his wife thought of him. Which he did not!
Let them talk… let them gossip… let them judge me, for that is what they are doing. What does it matter? It is not as if anything she says can change the foundations of this marriage. It is not as if Lucy would want such a thing anyway.
When his sister did finally appear in his office, he saw immediately that it would not be a pleasant conversation. She had a look on her face that he recognized, and he rightly braced himself as he pretended to be busy.
It was not going well.
“I am not hiding,” he said through a clenched jaw, his head bowed, his quill in hand and hovering above the parchment. “I am working.”
“I do not mean right now,” she said with a click of her tongue. “I mean generally. While your wife busies herself with James, while she mopes around the house, desperate for company, you avoid her as if she carries the seasonal flu.”
“My wife knows that if she wants anything, she can come and see me.”
“And why should she? Why should she have to beg?”