Chapter 17
“You do not have to sit all the way over there,” Lucy said to Marcus, even adding an eye roll to emphasize the point.
“This is where the chair is,” Marcus pointed out. Then, as if to double down on his comment, he folded his legs and purposefully rested his arms on the armrests. “Where else am I supposed to sit?”
“Literally anywhere else,” Lucy said. “The floor, for example.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, a sense that she might as well have asked him to strip off his clothes and start clucking like a chicken. “I am not going to sit on the floor when there is a perfectly good chair here for me. As is its purpose.”
“If you are going to be like that…” Lucy pushed her lips together in thought and then brightened. “Then we will have to come to you.”
“There is no –”
“No, no,” she interrupted him. “I am sure you want nothing more than to be closer to us but seeing as we are all the way over here, not a chair in sight, then we best compromise. That is unless…” She looked right at him.
“… we could go somewhere else, if you would prefer it? We do not have to be here.”
It was a probing question, even if it was asked casually.
I am giving him a chance to change his mind, as if he has been trapped in some sort of fugue state all morning, from which he cannot escape. If he really does not want this, if it is all an act, now would be the time to show it…
“You won’t get rid of me that easily,” Marcus offered, a knowing look thrown her way.
She laughed. “So be it.”
It was the morning room where Lucy and Marcus were currently spending time together.
Only, they were not alone. As Lucy had done most days since she married Marcus, she was spending the day with baby James – she was far more comfortable with the child now, such that she no longer felt awkward around him, just as she no longer required Helga to look over her shoulder at all hours.
They sat on the floor together, surrounded by toys for James to play with, and oh how she enjoyed seeing him gape and gawk and laugh and clap his hands excitedly because every little thing seemed to bring him unbridled amounts of happiness.
I cannot believe that I was once afraid of him, and that not so long ago the idea of looking after him filled me with fear because I worried that I was not capable.
Now, it is almost second nature… as if it is something I was born for.
Marcus had joined the two shortly after Lucy brought James into the room. At first, he stood in the doorway and watched them, no doubt uncomfortable by the paternal act that was far beyond his realm of expertise. Arms folded, expression stern, he could not have looked more out of place.
Then, once he grew used to the sight, he slowly edged into the room. It was done with great caution, each step careful, and always he watched James as if he expected the child to burst into tears.
Finally, once it was accepted that James bore him no ill will, Marcus sat down on the single chair by the window. It was across the room, as far away from James as he could be without having to leave. But he was there, he was trying, and that was something to be grateful for.
Lucy smiled coyly to herself when she saw how Marcus acted, because she knew what he was doing. Just as she knew how difficult this was for him.
It was two days ago when she had taken Beauty for a ride and had fallen because she was acting like a fool. And it was two days since Marcus had dropped the pretense of wanting nothing to do with her, seemingly accepting that this marriage might be more than what both had signed up for.
Marcus was not overt about it. He was careful not to be too obvious in showing his emotions. But it was clear that he wanted to bridge the gap that existed between them, just as it was clear that this marriage had changed so very much… and for the better, in Lucy’s opinion.
Now, let us see if this is all for show, or if it is real.
“Here we come.” She scooped James into her arms and carried him across the room. As she approached Marcus, she noticed him stiffen, and he even leaned back a touch as if to escape.
She smiled warmly and set James down on the floor just a few feet from Marcus. He eyed James warily, not so much as blinking.
“He won’t bite,” she sighed.
“It is not the biting that worries me.”
“And what does worry you?” She sat down on the floor, her legs crossed, giving James room to crawl about freely. “One would think that I had brought a rabid dog into the room, for how you stare at him.”
“Oh, please.” Marcus scoffed. “I am not as bad as that.”
“You are not that good either,” she pointed out, sure to keep her voice light and warm. Gentle mocking, was how she thought of it, hoping to ease the tension in the room.
He said nothing, still eyeing James with extreme reservation.
Lucy noted Marcus’ discomfort. It was strange, she thought, considering that he was the one who adopted the child in the first place. This told her that Marcus’ heart was in the right place, and that he wished to do the right thing.
What stopped him was a complete lack of belief. But was it a lack of belief in himself, or his ability to care for James? Was he scared that he would hurt the child, or that he would simply mess everything up beyond repair?
Eyeing her husband, an idea suddenly came to mind.
“Would you like to hold him?” she asked.
His eyes widened. “What? N — no,” he stammered quickly. “I… I am happy to watch. You are his mother.”
She narrowed her eyes at Marcus but said nothing.
Lucy was happy to see Marcus make an effort, just as she was cautious not to scare him away. Whatever was the cause of this fear that lived within him, it would not be solved overnight, and it might take weeks until Marcus was comfortable around both her and the baby.
Whatever the cause, it really did a number on him. I can literally see him fighting against what he thinks he should want, versus what his heart yearns for.
“Suit yourself,” Lucy said as she turned her attention back to James. “But if you change your mind…”
James crawled about the room without a care in the world.
While there were plenty of toys for him to choose from, he was far more interested with the benign.
He pulled on the fur of the rug and giggled.
He stroked the wallpaper and gaped. And then he made his way to Marcus’ boots, where he started to tug at the shoelaces.
“What… what is he doing?” Marcus turned stiff, careful not to kick the child.
“He is learning,” Lucy explained, holding back her laughter as James started to untie the laces with extreme interest.
“Learning what, exactly?” Marcus eyed James as if he was an alien creature never seen before.
Lucy shrugged. “Everything, I suspect. I am not exactly an expert.”
“You sell yourself short,” Marcus said to her. “From where I am seated, you are doing a wonderful job with him. Better than I could have ever hoped for,” he added sullenly.
Her heart swelled at his compliment.
Lucy had no idea what had changed about her husband. Just two days ago, the two of them had existed in a state of mutual understanding, one that had stopped this marriage in its tracks.
Their marriage was one of pure convenience, there was no need to try and make it more than what was promised, and that appeared to be the extent of things. Not perfect by any means, but certainly not tortuous.
For reasons Lucy tried to reckon with, Marcus had been the one to initiate these changes that the two now lived in.
He offered her the horse to go for a ride, he came to find her when he thought that she was in trouble, and her skin still prickled when she cast her mind back to the moment by the side of the road, his holding her, the concern felt in his touch, as well as the compassion and care he had for her.
In that moment, if I did not know any better, I might have even said that he… no, do not go there, Lucy. Absurd! He was worried about you, was all, and that alone is a reason to be grateful.
Lucy had been fine with the state of their marriage until then. Truly, she did not mind that it held no romantic future. She was a realist in that way, and growing up, she had never once thought that when she married it would be to a man whom she loved. Her stepmother would never allow it.
Now, after what had happened just two days ago, and seeing her husband try and further to connect with her and James, taking in this little she began to wonder if she was wrong to be so dismissive.
Could there be more here? Do I want more? And what would that even look like? I have no idea.
“I appreciate the compliment,” she said in response to Marcus’ kind words. “Even if they are highly exaggerated.”
“They certainly are not.”
She looked at him dismissively, he returned it without blinking, and she looked away shyly as her cheeks turned pink with embarrassment. That happened more often lately, and she did not need to guess why.
“I still have so much to learn,” she said, almost to herself, as if to keep her ego in check.
“And I am far from a perfect mother. But…” Her smile grew.
“I would be lying if I said that I had not grown to love little James.” Just then, James crawled toward her and she scooped him up.
“I never thought of myself as mother material, nor did I think I would want to be.” She started to bop James up and down on her knee.
“But this little angel has…” Her cheeks flushed further.
“I guess he has changed the way I see things. At least he has shown me that the way I always saw my life progressing, what I thought I wanted…” She shrugged.
“It is not written in stone, you know? We are capable of change.”
Marcus said nothing at first.
Her words looked to have struck a chord inside of him. Brow furrowed, expression serious, he looked directly at her and James, while his stare searched beyond them.