Chapter 16
Marcus had spent all afternoon thinking about Lucy and her ride. When he should have been working, his thoughts were awash with images of her on horseback, the wind blowing through her red hair, laughter on her lips, and a smile in her eyes.
Such an image made his chest tighten, just as it made his limbs tingle in ways that he was not used to.
I am merely happy for her, is all. And pleased with myself. It costs so little to do the right thing, and that is a lesson I ought to remember.
When the sun finally started its slow descent beneath the horizon, Marcus decided that he would seek Lucy out and ask how her ride had gone. Just to confirm that it was as he had hoped… just to confirm that she was happy.
He knew that she would be in the nursery, as she often spent time with James before supping. However, when he poked his head in the door, he found only Helga and Margaret were there.
“Your Grace…” Helga stood beside Margaret, who breastfed James. “Is something the matter?”
“Have you seen Her Grace?” Marcus asked. “I thought she might be with you.”
“We have not seen her all day, Your Grace,” Helga said. “Certainly not since she left.”
“Since she left…” It was subtle, but a coldness seeped through Marcus’ skin as he considered the possibility that… no, that is unlikely. Impossible even. She is probably just downstairs, in the library or what have you.
He hurried down the hallway and toward the library.
Lucy was not in the library, nor was she in the dining room, or her own room for the matter. Panic started to descend upon Marcus, the niggling sense that something was wrong.
He refused to consider such a thing and figured that the easiest way to dismiss such a notion was to check what time Lucy had returned.
She’d left the house nearly six hours ago, meaning that she had likely returned sometime in the past two hours.
And with Marcus having been at work all day, it was no wonder he did not hear her come back.
In the stable, rushing to where Beauty was kept, Marcus saw now that nor the horse or his wife had come back. And when he asked the stable hand, this was confirmed.
“I’ve been expecting her for some time now, Your Grace,” the stable hand said. “Thought she might have gotten lost.”
“Lost…” Anger boiled inside of him. “You thought… no, you did not think! Look outside, man! See the time! Lost or no, she should have returned by now!”
“I am sure she will soon, Your Grace.”
Marcus held onto his anger because it was the only way he could possibly fight back the rising panic that threatened to take him. The sun was now set, night had come, and his wife had not returned. That meant one thing and one thing only…
“My horse!” he snarled at the poor stable hand. “Ready it at once.”
“But Your Grace –”
“At once!”
One minute later and Marcus had his horse running at full pelt down the empty London street, headed north, hopefully in the direction where Lucy might be.
As he rode, his mind whirled with infinite possibilities, all aiming to explain where she was. Maybe she was just lost? Maybe she was simply taking her time? Maybe she had decided to ride to her father’s estate…
They were excuses, Marcus knew. Hope and dreams, but not reality.
And as he pushed his mount harder, caring not for how dark and dangerous it was, he conceded the very likely reality that his wife had fallen from her horse, was lying in a ditch somewhere on the side of the road or in a field, and that he might never find her… worse still, that I might be too late.
Marcus was not used to feeling this way.
That was the advantage of living alone, caring for himself only. When he was all which mattered, he did not have to worry about feelings or emotions felt for another. His life was his only concern, and that just made things easier.
The death of his friend James had changed that. His adopting of the baby, James, had confirmed it. And now with Lucy in his life, Marcus was forced to reckon with a world of which he was not the center. It was, without a doubt, the worst thing he had ever felt before.
He reached the end of the road in record time.
It soon turned to dirt and then forked in several directions.
One way led east, through farmland. The other west, across green fields and open pastures.
Marcus reared his horse up, cursed to himself, and looked both ways while trying to decide what direction to ride in.
“Where did you go…” he muttered to himself.
In the end, he chose to ride east, and for reasons that made no real sense to him. It was just that he felt as if it was right, that his wife might have gone that way. He could not explain it, he could not reason with it, but he sensed that this was the correct choice.
Night had well and truly fallen by now. Darkness was his only friend.
It suffocated him so that he could hardly breathe.
It seemed to mock him as he pushed his horse, peering through the dark the best that he could.
The road ran for miles, nothing but open fields on both sides.
He scanned the best he could, praying all the while that nothing was wrong.
Soon, he spied at the end of the road a small copse of trees.
They rose like a dark mountain, somehow even more menacing than the night of which they were a part.
And as he came closer to the trees, as he narrowed his eyes and searched, he saw something that made his stomach drop right out from under him.
Against the blackness of the night and the trees both was a patch of white. Even in the darkness, it somehow glowed as if calling to him.
“Beauty…” He swallowed and kicked his horse toward it. “No…”
Indeed, Beauty stood idly by the side of the road, just in front of the tree line. The horse saw him coming but did not move, or trot toward him. But it was alone, its saddle bear, and that was enough.
“Lucy!” Marcus cried into the night. “Lucy!”
He was down from his horse and rushing toward Beauty.
His eyes scanned the thick brush, searching for his wife.
Caught in two minds, a part of him hoped that he would not find her, the belief that she might still be fine.
The other… she has fallen from her horse, she is hurt, and if I don’t find her soon…
“Lucy!” he shouted as loudly as he could. “Lucy! If you can hear me, make a noise! Anything! Please!”
Marcus had not wanted this marriage. He’d harbored no desire to bond with his wife.
But as he searched for her, as his fear grew inside his chest like a hand closing over his heart, he made a silent promise.
If by some miracle she was not hurt, if they made it through this night together, he would never take her for granted again.
“Lucy –”
“Marcus?” Her voice cut through the night so that Marcus staggered back when he heard it. It was like a bucket of cold water dousing him and he gasped in fresh air as if he had not taken a breath in hours. “What are you doing out here?”
She appeared from the darkness as if by magic.
He saw the white of her dress first, floating it looked like, from the copse of trees.
Then her red hair, then the milky white of her skin, and finally her green eyes.
They stood out in the dark somehow, he felt their stare pierce his chest and his heart, and Marcus almost laughed, such was the relief he felt.
Typically, once that feeling simmered, anger was what took him.
“What do you think you are doing?” He stormed towards her.
“Exploring…” She had just come out of the trees and now that he was closer, he saw twigs in her hair and scratches on her face. “I lost track of time however, and when it grew dark, I got all turned around –”
“Are you out of your mind?” When he reached her, he very nearly snatched at her arm. “Are you… I thought… you might have been hurt!”
“But I was not.”
“But you could have been!” He threw his hands in the air. Although Marcus felt utter relief so that he might float from it, he tried to hang onto his anger to anchor him. “You cannot do that, Lucy! You cannot… what if you had fallen? What if you had lost your way? What if… what if…”
Even though it was dark, he saw the smile on her lips.
“What?” he snapped. “Why are you smiling?”
“Were you worried about me, Marcus?” She appeared delighted by the fact.
“What? No.”
A raised eyebrow. “Are you sure about that? It certainly looks as if you are.”
“I was…” He clenched his jaw and looked away. “I was concerned for you. You are my wife, Lucy, and if anything was to happen… James needs you.”
“Just James?”
“Of course…”
Now that the danger was past, Marcus became suddenly aware of how this must look.
And not just that he had come searching for her, but that he was so worried, out of his damn mind with fear!
Any chance that he might have had of pretending that he did not care about her was now dashed and destroyed, and that plunged Marcus into an extreme sense of awkwardness because he felt exposed.
“It is dangerous,” he said with some calm. “If not for the dark, out here on your own…” He gestured to the surrounding fields. “How did you expect me to react?”
She watched him closely. The smirk on her lips faded. And while it was dark, her stare softened so that he could see the regret clear behind her eyes.
“I… you are right,” she conceded and bowed her head. “It was foolish of me to not consider such things. Selfish, also.”
“It is quite fine,” he sighed. “Maybe I overreacted.”
“No.” She took a step toward him, her eyes flicking to his hand as if she meant to take it. “You reacted exactly as I hoped you would.”
Silence greeted them both.
Alone out here as they were, standing so close, the implication of the moment dawned on Marcus like the rising sun. For all his efforts to avoid his wife, to act as if she did not matter, he had well and truly ruined such fancies.
What was more, from the way she looked at him, she clearly knew it.
“Shall we return home then?” she said finally.
“Yes,” he agreed. “I think we should.”
Marcus was glad for the distraction, able to focus on mounting his horse and leading the way ahead. As dark as it was, he took charge, carving a path for them that was safe.
“If you move any slower, we might start walking backwards,” Lucy joked from just behind him.
He did not turn around. “It is too dark to see properly, Lucy. This is safe.”
“Safe.” She blew through her lips. “I do not want safe. I want fun. Freedom. Is that not the entire point?”
The side of his lip twitched. “The point is to see you home in one piece.”
“But not before I am an old maid, which will be the case if we keep moving this slowly. James will be a man, fully grown, and the entire point of this marriage will be for nothing!”
Marcus refused to bite. “If that is the way it must be, so be it.”
She sighed loudly and moved her horse so it was riding right beside him. Then, carefully, she edged it forward so that she outpaced him. As she did, she glanced at him and he saw wickedness in her eyes.
“What are you doing?” he demanded.
“Me?” She asked innocently. “Nothing.”
“Lucy…” he growled. “Slow down. Now is not the time.”
“Tell me true, Marcus, when was the last time you enjoyed yourself? Had fun?”
“I am not trying to have fun.”
“Not with that attitude, you will not.” She grinned at him. “Shall we race home? I will even give you a head start.”
He scoffed. “Certainly not. Slow and steady does it.”
“So, I will have the head start then. But when I beat you, do not complain.”
“Lucy…” He growled again and glared at her. “Do not dare.”
“Remind me, did you not say that I would have my freedom in this marriage? That I could do as I wished?”
“Yes,” he sighed. “But that does not mean – wait!” he cried after her, but it was too late.
Her laughter was high pitched and filled with joy. It cut through the night, sang above the treetops, and seemed to light the way as she kicked her heels into Beauty and took off down the road.
“Lucy! Argh!” Marcus roared and then pushed his mount after her. “Slow down!”
“You’ll have to catch me!” her laugher trailed behind her. “Quick, now! Hurry!”
“Slow down!”
Marcus pushed his horse faster. He forced himself to be angry, he wanted to be furious, yet as they rode, as he heard her laughter, as he felt the wind in his hair and the power of his horse between his thighs, something else took hold of him.
Marcus laughed. Dammit, he cried out with joy and whooped. He could not remember the last time he let loose like this, an age it felt like, and he had forgotten what it felt like to stop caring and to be free for a damn change. To have fun.
“I’m gaining on you!” he called after Lucy.
“You are not!” He heard her but could hardly see her in the dark.
“Getting close!”
“No, you – oh!” She screamed, the horse whinnied, and Marcus saw the feint outline of Beauty kicking back, rearing up, and throwing Lucy from the saddle.
“Lucy!”
Marcus reached Beauty and leapt from the saddle. He swept across the dark road, able to just make Lucy out by the side of the road. She lay still, on her back, and Marcus’ stomach knotted and dropped out beneath him….
“Lucy!” He fell to his knees, his hands scooping underneath her. “Lucy! Can you hear me? Can you…” He trailed off when he felt her stir.
“Did I win?” she asked softly. “Did I beat you?”
He should have been furious. He should have shouted and chastised her and reprimanded her for being so foolish. But in that moment, anger did not suit, and it certainly was not what Marcus felt.
Not caring how it might look or what she might think, Marcus pulled Lucy into his body and held her tight. He ran a hand through her hair. He whispered at her that she would be fine.
Her hands wrapped his body and held him closely.
Her head buried into his chest as if he was the only person in the world who she trusted to protect her.
And for a few moments, they said nothing, simply holding one another, relief enveloping them and wrapping them both like a warm blanket on a cool night.
I thought I had lost her… I thought that she… that she had… it does not matter what I thought. What matters is that she is fine.
And there they remained, on the side of the road, holding one another.
It had been a night of torrid emotions for Marcus, truths confronted, admitted to, and finally accepted because there was no point in denying them.
For how hard he had tried to resist, he found now that he cared for his wife. She was a part of his world, his life, and he was glad for the fact. What was more, he knew too that he needed to make it known to her.
He was no longer alone, and that felt better than he had ever dreamed.