Chapter 21
When Lucy first married Marcus, she had known it would not be a happy marriage.
In fact, she had not wanted it to be. Their marriage was conceived with a purpose, and she walked willing down the aisle with this singular purpose fixed in her mind.
The man who she was set to call her husband would be little more than a stranger to her, most of the time she would likely be busy looking after James, and any sense of happiness to be found would have to be done on her own.
Things changed slowly after that.
Lucy had not expected these changes. She had not sought them. And when they first appeared, she was sure to temper her expectations because she knew the man to whom she was married, just as she knew how the world worked.
Things continued to change, feelings started to grow, and before Lucy knew what was happening, she came to see a new side of her husband. More than that, she came to see a new side to herself.
It would be so much easier if things had stayed the way that they were meant to. If Marcus had kept his word, if I had kept mine, and if we had remained as strangers.
How much simpler life would be…
Now, nothing was as it had been, and Lucy felt more alone than ever, and more depressed because of it.
The week that followed her argument with Marcus in the foyer was the hardest of her life.
And this was no small feat, considering her childhood and all she had to endure from her stepmother’s wickedness.
But that just spoke to the effect her husband had on her…
as loathe as she was to admit such a thing.
Lucy spent most of that week with James.
She knew now that Marcus would not be a part of their life, at least not directly. So, she was done trying to change his mind. In her mind, she was entirely responsible for James’ life, and if she had it in her power to make it a good one, that was what she would do.
As for her own life? As for her own happiness? She considered that to be irrelevant. It was just easier that way.
Lucy’s week thus became one of strict routine.
The morning was for herself. She always rose slowly and spent just as long getting ready.
By mid-morning, she would find herself in the breakfast room ready to break her fast, and not once did she expect Marcus to join her.
It took an hour for her to eat, after which she would adjourn to the library to select a book, and then she would perch herself in the outside garden, or perhaps in the morning room, and read.
Once the time turned toward noon, she would collect James from Helga, and the rest of the day was spent watching over him.
These were the hours she coveted most and with every passing day she felt her bond with James grow stronger.
He was just one year old, but already she saw his personality on full display.
So full of life, so happy, and so eager to explore.
The world to him was one filled with possibilities, and she never dared to deny him any of them.
Most of all, when she spent time with James, she was sure to keep him away from Marcus so that there was no chance that their paths would meet. While she often heard footsteps approaching down the hall, while she often got the sense that he was nearby, not once did Marcus join them.
It was a lonely week, and Lucy would not say otherwise.
Often, as she watched James crawl about, she would wonder about the future. Is this all she had in store for herself? Would there be any more twists and turns to this marriage? And was it worth fighting for them?
Should I try one final time? Should I dare to push Marcus that little bit harder? We were so close, so near to being a perfect little family, and I still believe he wants to be one.
It should not be on me to force it. If he wants such a thing, he needs to accept that within himself. He needs to come to me.
Needless to say, Marcus did not come to Lucy.
Sometimes, as she and James played together outside in the garden, she would get the distinct sense that Marcus watched them.
She could feel his eyes on her, she could sense his thoughts, as well as his fear.
Only then, she would turn to search for him, his presence would vanish, and she would be alone again.
Alone… that was the life that Lucy now lived, and by the looks of things, it would be her life from now until the end. That was, of course, unless Marcus chose to do something about it…
* * *
Marcus stood by the window of his office as he watched Lucy play with James in the garden. The day was a sunny one, not a cloud in the sky, yet it felt dark and ominous to his senses, as if there were clouds lurking thick and heavy in the sky, but only he could see them.
Lucy and James were on a small patch of grass in the garden.
Lucy stood back, laughing gaily as James crawled about.
He was so filled with life, and so enthusiastic about everything that he did.
He crawled to her, became distracted by a butterfly, chased it on his hands and knees, became distracted next by some grass, tried to pull it out, and then shoved whatever he pried free into his mouth.
Lucy cried out and ran to him, always laughing. She scooped him into her arms, hurriedly pulled the grass from his mouth, and then held him out as she spun in a circle.
From his office, even with the window closed, Marcus heard James laughing. The sound should have brought a smile to his lips, but it felt like knives stabbing him.
What would she say if I joined them right now? Would she accept me? Would she ask that I leave? Would she be happy, angry, apathetic? And why do I even care?
He should not have cared.
Marcus had spent his life creating emotional distance between himself and everyone who he knew. He considered himself an island, cut off from everything else, and for good reason. Closeness only brought pain and suffering… his friendship with Harry was a reminder of that.
Still… as he watched his wife and his adopted son, as he listened to their laughter, he knew that deep down he wanted to experience the joy that they lived in. What was more, he wanted to experience it with them.
More than once this past week, Marcus’ mind had gone back to his late-night conversation with Lucy. He had not meant to do so, but he had opened to her in ways he thought were impossible and, in so doing, he revealed wounds that he thought were healed but were as raw and as rotten as ever.
My parents are to blame… yes, that is who. That is why I am this way. They are at fault…
Such lies only made things worse.
Marcus was at fault. He was to blame for his suffering. He had come so close to admitting what he wanted, to taking a chance, to finding a sliver of happiness in the darkness that was his world. It had been right there for the taking, but he had shirked it, denied it, and this here was the result.
Behind him, his desk was piled with ledgers. He had so much work he needed to do but could not find the enthusiasm to do it. Damnation, he did not care anymore! What was once his reason for living now felt wrong, as if it too had betrayed him.
Ultimately, his work no longer brought him joy, and that was the great irony.
He watched Lucy and James for a moment longer. In fact, he might have watched them all day, had Lucy not stopped suddenly, tilted her head, and then turned so as to look directly at the window in which he lurked. His eyes widened and he hurriedly moved away…
Breathing heavy, careful not to be seen, he sneaked another peek and found her still watching.
She knew him better than he knew himself, so she knew why he had rejected her. Marcus wondered what might happen if she gave him another chance, if she came to him and asked him to spend time with herself and James.
He wondered… just as he knew it would never happen.
This mess was created by Marcus, and it would be on him to fix it. But would he? Was he strong enough? Was he able to admit that even he deserved a happy ending?
I am not so sure that I am. And that is the cruelest fate of all. Happiness, right there, but out of reach because of who I am and who I will always be.
Lucy deserved better than him. James deserved better than him. He was doing them a favor by avoiding them… another lie, but Marcus was used to them by now. Really, they were all he had left.