Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Do you have any answers for me?” Rose whispered softly, staring at the moon.
She was standing on the terrace, her hands resting on a hard, stone barrier.
The night was cool and fresh. The veil of darkness covered her, and the moon was full.
Stars sparkled above, while behind her, the music flowed inside the hall.
Everyone seemed to be having a wonderful time, but she couldn’t wait for it to end.
This situation with Edmund had become interminable. It wasn’t what she wanted. Her own heart was betraying her, and she needed to put a stop to it before it was too late, before she could not be saved.
A door opened behind her. She knew it was him even before she turned her head. It was like that now. She was somehow innately aware of his presence. Her skin prickled and her chest became tight. She closed her eyes in an attempt to compose herself.
“Would you like to dance?” he asked.
“Not tonight,” she said quietly. He closed the door behind them and came to stand beside her. She crossed her arms and made sure that he didn’t step too close.
It was too dangerous for him to do so.
“I missed you in there.”
“You seem to have been having fun. There has not been a dull moment in this party for you.”
“Every moment without you is a dull moment.”
Rose’s lips curled at the corners. “You do not have to speak to me in such a way, Edmund. I think we both know that you are being insincere.”
“Am I?”
“This is a game. We have both played it well, but it is time for it to come to an end. People might take you more seriously now after seeing how you have courted me, and I will be able to take this courtship and declare that my forsaken heart shall never be healed from the sorrow. I think we must be plain about our desires.”
“And you still desire this? An unmarried life?”
“A life free of expectations. A life of independence. A life without being beholden to a husband. But it is not as though I am unchanged by knowing you. I have come to see that there is merit in taking part in life rather than simply observing it. I hope that I shall experience more of it.”
“I am sure you will not regret it.”
“And you shall be able to leave London.”
“I shall.”
“I assume that is what has caused Alfred such consternation?”
Edmund inclined his head. “I asked him to take over my business affairs. I plan to leave when Lydia is married, or even when she is betrothed. I do not think she and Charlotte are going to take the news well. Mary knows too, and I believe that Grandmother suspects that something is afoot.”
“And yet you will leave anyway.”
“I have always put myself first. I am a selfish rake, after all.”
“You don’t have to put on an act for me, Edmund,” Rose said.
She turned fully toward him and gave him a sympathetic look.
“I know that this is untrue. When your parents died, you bore the responsibility. You did what you could to take care of your sisters. You are many things, but you are not selfish.”
“You are most courteous, but I fear people will think that I am. Especially if the fate of my parents befalls me.”
“Or you shall return to London having slaked your thirst for adventure, and you shall be ready to settle down.”
“Yes… meet the expectations placed upon me and produce an heir. I have avoided it for so long, but I may have been delaying the inevitable. Even if I leave, this obligation shall be waiting for me when I return. But if I did return… if you were still unmarried…”
Rose furrowed her brow. Was he really asking what she thought he was asking?
“I would seek to remain so. I have been consistent with my wishes from the very beginning.”
“Yes, I suppose you have,” he replied. She wasn’t certain, but she thought she detected a hint of disappointment in his expression.
“Besides, I am hardly the most suitable bride. Even though my parents would love to force the issue, I was never born to be a duchess. Whenever I try to meet those standards I always feel as though I am playing a role.”
“In some ways, I think we’re all playing a role. The only times I have been truly honest are with you. You have seen the real me, Rose.”
“The man who helps farmers? You kept it quiet from the others. Why?”
“I did not want them to make a fuss. They would have praised me and called me heroic for going out of my way to help that man, but I do not want their praise for something that should come naturally to everyone. Helping people should not be an extraordinary feat.”
Rose nodded slowly, wishing he had said something different because once again it revealed the true nobility of his character, as if his soul were a shining treasure buried beneath rust, soot, and dust. Each time she spoke with him, she rubbed away a little more, and she saw him more clearly.
And if she were to get married, then he would be the kind of man she would want for a husband. But she needed to draw a stark line.
“There will be other women, more suitable women.”
“When have I ever wanted a suitable woman?” he quipped.
Such things came so easily to him. Rose sensed a shifting tension in the air.
Although they were not openly admitting it, it seemed clear that they both wanted the same thing, yet neither would grasp it.
Too many promises had been made, both to themselves and to each other.
Ambitions that had resided in their hearts since childhood were too deeply-rooted to pull out now. Abandoning them would have seemed like some kind of failure.
“I think you know who I am speaking about. The diamond of the Season. The one who shines brightest of all. She is the moon, and the rest of us are but stars reflecting her glory,” Rose said, turning her gaze skyward.
“Amelia?” Edmund asked.
“She is everything a duchess should be. She has practically been bred for the role. She would be perfect for you, and she is of an age where she could be patient for a little while as you indulge your spirit of adventure.”
“I am not sure she would appreciate a betrothal to an absent man.”
“But you are not just any man. You are a duke.”
“And I suppose that is all I shall ever be.”
“She will be here ready to help you fulfill your obligations,” Rose said.
“And what of you? Where will you be when I return?”
Rose rolled her shoulders and took a deep breath. “Riding out in the countryside somewhere, feeling the wind in my hair.”
“That sounds wonderful. I wish I could join you,” he said. Many of his words were teasing jests, but this time she sensed sincerity behind them. Then, she made the mistake of looking at him. The power of his gaze made it feel as though something was being torn apart inside her.
“And I wish…” she began, but could not bring herself to finish that sentence.
“We must live the lives we have always wanted, Edmund. This has been fun, but it is not what either of us really wants. Even if things were different, we might end up resenting each other in the future, having allowed our feelings to trap us.”
“Then you admit that you do have feelings,” he said, arching an eyebrow. This time, Rose did not run away. She wore a wistful smile and gently reached up to stroke the side of his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying this touch that they both knew would not last forever.
“Of a kind,” she said, but that was as far as she was willing to admit. He opened his eyes, and it felt as though he was searching for something in hers. Perhaps she was searching for something in his as well.
“You have made me look at things differently, Rose. I was not expecting to enjoy my time with you this much. I am glad that someone aside from my sisters has gotten to know the real me, even if it is not entirely a pleasing view.”
“You should try being more genuine with people. Look around you,” she gestured back to the house.
“This place has been alive with people who want to spend time with you. You are not fooling them all, Edmund. You are well-liked, and you do not have to play the role of the rake forever. You could have a fulfilling life. All you have to do is take it.”
“And take it I shall,” he said.
There was something that remained unspoken. She could feel the words rushing through her head.
But not with you.
It was difficult to think clearly. It felt as if knives were twisting her heart into shreds.
She could have easily thrown her arms around him and held him close, but she sensed that if she started kissing him, she might never stop.
She pulled her hand away from his cheek, but then he grasped her chin, and she saw the intent in his eyes.
His lips parted, and she nearly glimpsed paradise.
But she turned her head away.
“Edmund…”
“Just one moment, Rose. One moment where we might glimpse the life we could have together.”
“It would not remain a glimpse,” she whispered, wrapping her hands around his, then lowering her head. She kissed his palm, unable to resist. It was as far as she would permit herself to go. “I must go back inside. This is... inappropriate. We should not be spending so much time together.”
“They do not care.”
“I do,” she replied, and tore her lips away from his hand. She turned on her heels before she had a chance to consider her actions, because she knew that her thoughts would betray her. Tears misted her eyes as she crashed through the door, leaving Edmund behind on the terrace.
The warmth of the hall engulfed her. She was suddenly amid a cacophony of noise and conviviality, with people toasting one another and spinning in a dance.
Her mind was dizzy, and she found it difficult to keep her balance.
Her stomach was sloshing around like a boat caught upon tumultuous waves, and her lips still craved his.
Oh, how they craved him. She pressed them tightly together.
No, she thought to herself. I shall not think this way. I shall not feel this way. I am stronger than this. I do not love him. I do not love him.