Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The morning light was pale. Edmund couldn’t remember sleeping.
All he could remember were Rose’s kisses on his palm and the faint echo of tears lingering on his skin.
Pain settled in his heart. Raw anguish. The kind that he inflicted on women and had never borne himself.
He was in a dark mood when he awoke, and he wished he did not have to play host for another day.
George came in to help him dress as the valet had left abruptly and a new one was yet to be hired.
“I want them gone as soon as possible. I tire of this party,” Edmund said, sharper than he intended.
“Of course, Your Grace. I am sure they will have no trouble leaving once breakfast has finished.”
“Good. I have had enough of it. Enough of all of this,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Cancel any social engagements I have for the next month or so.”
“As you wish, Your Grace,” George said, then hesitated. “Even the—”
“Everything,” Edmund cut in, not raising his voice this time, but with clear impatience. He turned away, jaw tight, as if the effort to remain composed cost him more than anger would have.
“Your guests are waiting for you, Your Grace,” George said gently as Edmund made no motion to move.
Edmund pressed his lips together and composed himself.
Once again, he had to force his own feelings deep down and wear a mask palatable to others.
Then again, he would not allow memories of this party to be of a surly host who was abrasive and bitter.
So he moved to the door, which George opened. Edmund stared at the threshold and lifted his foot. He took a moment to reflect on his dark feelings and then tried to extinguish them as much as possible as he stepped over the threshold, intending to leave them behind in the room.
The breakfast hall was lively with chatter.
It should have thrilled him to see all of his guests in such a good mood, but this occasion had never been about them.
It was all about Rose, and she had not entered yet.
He wondered if she might have slipped away quietly at dawn, not wishing to show her face again after the previous night.
They had been so close to something important, he felt, but then it eluded them both. Perhaps it was better this way. If they were to part, then let it be immediately.
Edmund smiled at everyone and held his arms open.
“Friends, family, it brings me so much joy to hear you speaking about my humble party in such glowing terms. I do hope that this event lives long in your memories. I am sad that it must come to an end, but is that not the way with all the good things in life? Enjoy the breakfast I have laid out for you, and I apologize if I do not get around to speaking to you all this morning. I am rather famished myself. It turns out that hosting a party can work up quite an appetite!”
There was a gentle murmur of laughter as Edmund rubbed his stomach and smiled.
There were toasts and cries of ‘hear, hear!’ echoing around the table.
Edmund slipped into his chair, and his gaze immediately turned to the empty chair on the other side of the table where Rose was supposed to be sitting.
“Lydia, do you know if Lady Rose and her parents intend to join us?” Edmund asked, attempting to sound as innocuous as possible.
“I assumed they would be here. Would you like me to check on her?” Lydia motioned to rise from the table, but Edmund stilled her with a gesture.
“No, I am sure that they have a good reason,” he replied.
“I am sure they will be here soon. I can’t imagine anyone would want to miss this feast, Your Grace,” Amelia said, fluttering her eyes toward Edmund. “It has been such a wonderful event. I daresay that I will never attend a more enjoyable party.”
“Thank you, Miss Whitfield. Your kind words are most welcome.”
“My pleasure, Your Grace. I have learned a lot over the past few days. I hope that one day I am afforded the opportunity to host such a party, once I am married, of course. I can think of nothing better than to celebrate good times with friends and family. It is all that matters in the world, after all.”
“Is it? You do not possess a sense of adventure, then?”
“I am sure that marriage will be an adventure enough,” Amelia replied with a knowing smile. Edmund returned the gesture with a polite expression, and he couldn’t help but think of Rose’s comments about Amelia, claiming that Amelia was the perfect match for him and would make a good duchess.
That might well be the case, but it was not toward Amelia that Edmund’s gaze drifted. It was not Amelia that occupied his thoughts.
“Have you enjoyed the party, Edmund? The host is always concerned about his guests, and sometimes they are the only ones who do not enjoy the event,” Charlotte said, bobbing Luke on her knee.
“It has been everything I hoped for and more,” he replied, and nobody questioned his words because they had no cause to. He had become adept at masking his true feelings, even from his family.
“It has been a pleasure making the acquaintance of Lady Rose,” Nathaniel said. “Have you finally decided to do what is proper and settle down?”
Alfred and Mary both coughed at the same time, food catching in their mouths. Clara looked up and glared sharply at Edmund.
“I am honestly not sure, Nathaniel. You have made such a good show of marriage that I am not sure I can compete,” Edmund replied.
“Marriage is not a competition,” Charlotte said.
“No, you are quite right, sister, but I would not want to speak about such personal matters over the breakfast table. Believe me, if I do decide to get married, then my family will be the first to know, aside from Lady Rose, of course,” he said, the words stinging his throat because he knew it would never come to pass.
The more he denied himself this future, the more he mourned it. Was it only alluring because he could not have it? Was he merely tormenting himself? Or was there something deeper? He pushed the thoughts away as best he could and turned his attention to Lydia.
“Speaking of marriage, I was thinking that it’s about time we made a concerted effort to find you a husband, Lydia.
You have spent so much time speaking about the virtues of romance that it only seems natural you should finally experience it for yourself, if you are agreeable to the idea, of course. ”
“I am,” Lydia said, the words rushing out in an excited breath. Her eyes widened, and a smile adorned her face. “I will be pleased to meet any suitors you deem suitable, brother. I am ready to be married.”
“Good,” Edmund said, leaning back in his chair.
He steepled his fingers and felt a little more relaxed.
The sooner Lydia married, the better. Then he could be away from infernal London and he could live the life that was always intended for him.
Whatever awaited him when he returned to London, well, that was something to consider further down the line.
But just as he was thinking about this, he noticed movement out of the corner of his eyes. Rose and her parents entered the breakfast hall. Rose had her head held high. Her features were sharp, and the expression on her face was stoic. She reminded him of the icy swans that stood outside.
Their gazes met for a brief moment, but it was enough to make his stomach churn. He was instantly transported back to the previous night, and all he could think about was how things could have turned out so differently.
“Good morning, apologies that we’re late,” Lord Bolton said.
Rose gracefully descended into her chair.
Edmund tried to look away from her, but it was difficult.
Everything she did was captivating, from placing the napkin on her lap to bringing her cup to her lips and sipping from it. Oh those heavenly lips, soft and sweet.
What a blessing it would be to become that juice and slide between her lips and linger on her tongue, or to be that cup that was held in her slender fingers.
Edmund stabbed a sausage and chewed on it angrily.
He looked around for anyone he could speak to, but it felt as though everyone was against him.
Charlotte and Nathaniel were watching Luke.
Mary and Alfred glared at him. Clara’s spiteful look was directed toward Rose, who was speaking to Lydia.
Lord and Lady Bolton were speaking with Beatrice and Agatha.
It was as though he was lost in torment, doomed to be surrounded by others and yet focused on her.
The one he could not have.
The one he should not want.
“Excuse me,” he muttered, dabbing the corners of his mouth with a napkin and rising from his chair.
He moved to the side of the room and stared out of the window at the bleak morning.
There was a thin mist veiling the world.
It was not the first time he had been frustrated with the state of the world or his life.
If he were another man, then perhaps he could have married Rose, although the fact that he was considering the matter at all surprised him.
“I hope you don’t mind me joining you, Your Grace. Are you well?” Amelia said. Edmund had been so lost in his thoughts that he had not noticed her approaching. He flinched a little and did not cover being startled with a smile.
“Yes, I am well. I just needed a moment to myself. Is everything to your liking?”
“Very much so. As I said, I have had a wonderful time. I just wondered if you had a chance to think about what I said last night. I would like to hear your opinion on the matter.”
Amelia’s eyes were filled with hope, and her smile was beseeching. Edmund felt he had to be gentle with her.
“I am flattered, of course, but what you speak of is a complicated matter. I have not even spoken to your parents, after all. Is this even something that you want?”
Amelia furrowed her brow, as though she did not quite understand the question.
“Is it not what all of us want? It is what we are born for, after all. I have spent my whole life learning to be the best version of myself, and I know I could make you proud. I would do all I could to earn the title of duchess,” she caught herself quickly, “if you forgive my boldness, Your Grace.”
“Boldness is a fine quality,” Edmund replied, his gaze shifting toward Rose. “It is not proper for us to speak about this matter here. Please return to the table and enjoy the rest of your breakfast. I shall join you shortly,” he said.
Amelia inclined her head and did as he asked.
She was a sign of the life that awaited him if he lived ‘properly’, as everyone was so insistent he did.
Yet he could think of nothing that was more interminable.
Amelia might have learned how to be a perfect duchess, but he did not want someone to fill a role.
If he were to be married, he wanted it to be to someone who knew her own mind, who had her own spirit and ideas, who possessed independent thought and acted with a sense of self-motivation rather than simply dancing to the tune of society.
Previously, he had thought that this notion was impossible until he met Rose.
Now he knew that such a woman existed, but because of her very nature, marriage was impossible.
The qualities that attracted him were the ones that made her averse to a traditional life, and perhaps it was the same for her as well.
They were doomed to be themselves, and that was the tragedy of it all, he supposed. It was almost frightening to realize how easy it was to love and desire her. But there was no space for everything in life, and his craving for adventure had to come first.