Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
“It is a pleasant day, Your Grace. Do you wish to ride?” George asked.
Light slanted through the doorway. It was the only light that penetrated the room.
Edmund was in his study. The curtains were drawn, as they had been since he returned from seeing Rose.
His face was ashen, his eyes bloodshot. A dark mood swirled in his mind.
A bottle of port sat beside him, his only companion in these gloomy days.
“No, I do not wish to ride,” Edmund said bluntly.
“I see,” George cleared his throat. “I understand you said to cancel all of your social engagements, but perhaps it would be best if you return to your routine, Your Grace.”
“Routine. I have had enough of routine. I have had enough of everything. You know what I want, George?” Edmund lifted his gaze.
George raised an enquiring eyebrow, although there was trepidation in his expression, fearing what Edmund might say.
“I want to get away from here, George. Away from London. Find me a passage on a ship. I wish to leave as soon as possible.”
George’s lips parted, and Edmund sensed that he was going to protest, but George was silenced by a glare. Instead, he snapped his heels together, inclined his head obediently, then backed out of the room.
“As you wish, Your Grace.”
Edmund had been sitting in darkness for some time when he received another visitor: Lydia. She frowned as she looked around the room, then pulled the curtains back. Edmund flinched as the light hit him, like some morbid creature who could not stand sunlight.
“Edmund, this must stop. It has been days, and I will not see you disappear into this room,” she said.
“I do not interfere with your life, Lydia. I would ask that you do not interfere with mine.”
“This is not interfering, Edmund. This is caring. Why are you in such despair? Did something happen with Rose?”
Edmund smirked, although there was no humor at all in his expression.
“No, nothing happened. And that is precisely the problem.”
Lydia rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. She remained standing while he was sitting, and her demeanor reminded him of when their mother used to scold him.
“A problem of your own making, I would wager. Why did you let this happen, Edmund? Are you so content with being seen as a rake that you cannot bear for anyone to have another impression of you? Because we both know that it is a lie. You have done enough for Charlotte and me to prove that you care. There is no harm in admitting that you want something genuine,” she said.
“Lydia, please, I do not wish to speak of it.”
Edmund’s head dropped, and he adopted a sullen expression. Lydia shook her head with dismay.
“I will never understand you, Edmund.”
“You know, Lydia, in this light, you are just like our mother.”
“And I wish she were here because perhaps she could speak some sense into you. I know how Rose feels about you. And I thought I knew how you felt about her. What could possibly have gone wrong?”
“Sometimes feelings are not enough, Lydia.”
“I do not understand.”
“I am not here to make you understand.”
“You are acting as though you are not here at all. I have never known you to be like this.”
“Perhaps I just need a respite from society after the party. It was draining.”
“You have never had this issue before. This is about Rose. Edmund, I may seem harsh, but I say this for your own good. Let go of your pride. Embrace these feelings. Love is a wonderful thing, and you should not turn your back on it. I know I was concerned at first, but I have seen the change in you. I know that these feelings are genuine, and in truth, I can think of no better partner for you, and indeed, no better partner for Rose. I would be thrilled if the two of you were married. She is like a sister to me already, and I would be honored to call her family. You could have so much happiness, and instead you want… this?”
As she spoke, she picked up the bottle of port. The liquid sloshed inside the bottle, and Lydia wore a look of disdain.
“It is not as simple as that, Lydia. You were too young. You did not have the same lessons from our parents as I did. They taught me that we can never have everything in life. Sometimes we need to compromise, and that is what I am doing now.”
“Compromise? And just what is your compromise? What could you possibly have to give up for Rose? I cannot imagine there is anything that is worth more than her,” Lydia said, fire coming to her cheeks, her words bursting out of her lips as if they had been shot from a cannon.
Edmund ran his tongue along his gums and then inhaled deeply. He supposed there was no point in hiding things any longer. Lydia was going to find out the truth anyway. At least this way, she might understand, and she could make peace with the decision he made.
“I am leaving,” he said.
Lydia stared at him for a few moments.
“Leaving? What do you mean you are leaving?”
“I mean exactly as I say. I want to be away from here. I have wanted this for a long time, ever since I was a boy. I remained in London to take care of you and Charlotte, but you are older now, and you do not need me. I am finally free to pursue my own adventure. That is why I cannot marry Rose, because I will not remain in London. I will not sacrifice my dreams any longer.”
Lydia’s face changed, the emotions shifting from anger to confusion and disappointment.
“Dreams are nothing when compared with reality, and Rose can bring far more to your life than any adventure could. I cannot believe that you would truly leave us now. Do you not wish to see Luke grow up? And what of me? I thought you wished to arrange a marriage for me?”
“I have left you written permission for marriage. I trust your judgment, Lydia,” he snorted with laughter.
“I trust your judgment far more than I trust my own. I am sure you are more suited to finding a husband than I am. Besides, you have Alfred and Nathaniel to ensure your protection, while Charlotte and Mary will be there to offer support. You do not need me.”
Lydia approached him and leaned forward, forcing him to look her in the eyes.
“I do need you, Edmund. You are my brother. I love you.”
“If you love me, then allow me to do this. I know you are friends with Rose, and I regret that I hurt her, but this desire has been in my heart for a long time. I have always wanted to leave London, and now I finally have the chance. I was going to wait until you were betrothed before I left, but I think it is best for everyone if I depart as soon as possible.”
“It is not best for everyone, Edmund. It is not best for me, for Rose, or for you. I think you are scared. I think you are a coward because finally, something substantial has entered your life, and you are afraid of what it might bring. You do not need to leave London to find adventure, Edmund. Sometimes the adventure is in the people around us. For you, adventure’s name is Rose. ”
“It was not that way for our parents. They had each other, and yet they craved adventure.”
“Our parents made their choices, and something horrible happened. But do you not remember how happy they were?”
“What use is happiness when it is fleeting? What use is anything when it ends? Why get married when it will only end in sorrow? Better to prevent it from happening at all,” Edmund said, although his words were hollow and he was not quite sure if he truly believed what he was saying.
Lydia wore a look of disdain as she shook her head.
“Edmund, I have thought many things about you over the years, but until now I have never thought you a fool. Look at yourself. You say you wish to avoid sorrow, and yet here you are, wallowing in it. What you are actually doing is depriving yourself of happiness, and if you believe that you will find it in some dark jungle out in the wild, then you are mistaken, because happiness only comes from within. If you feel you must leave, then do so, but I will not be there to see you off. You are making a mistake,” she said, and then left the room abruptly.
Edmund grabbed the bottle of port, but did not open it. He considered her words. He considered everything. There was a lot of truth to what Lydia said, and he could no longer avoid it. His mind returned to that fateful day when he learned of the fate of his parents.
Edmund, Charlotte, and Lydia had been called into the study.
Agatha was there, and Edmund immediately knew something was wrong by the look on her face.
There was another man present, someone he did not recognize, but who introduced himself as William Chamberlain, the family solicitor.
He began speaking, but Agatha silenced him and gathered the children around her.
“Now, children, something has happened, something that is going to be hard to understand. Your mother and father always tried to be as safe as possible, but sometimes things beyond our control happen. I am afraid to say that they perished on their travels.”
Edmund stood there, a numb feeling in his stomach. It was as though he became removed from time, as though the world would continue to spin around him while he remained still and stoic. Then he felt sick. Agatha’s voice was muffled and distant.
“I know this is difficult and upsetting. There’s nothing we can do about that.
I promise that I shall look after you, and we must try to be strong.
It is what they would have wanted.” Then, she turned to Edmund.
“Edmund, you must be strong for your sisters. You are the man of the house now. You are the Duke of Stonewood.”
It should have been an honor, but it was tainted by the manner in which he received the title. There were documents for him to sign, but they all passed in a blur for Edmund. He felt hollow and empty, as though he had lost something profound that he would never get back again.
On that day, he made many vows to himself. He vowed to make his parents proud. He vowed to take care of his sisters. He vowed never to feel that way again.
Was Lydia correct? Was Rose enough adventure for me?
He smiled when he thought of the way she challenged him, how she spoke her mind, and never shied away from sharing her opinion. He thought of her kiss as well, how sweet it was to touch her and feel her presence, how, when he was with her, he did not feel empty any longer.
And then he sank deeper into melancholy as he realized that he had already pushed her away.
“I love her,” he said softly, to an audience that only consisted of his shadow. It was neither a proud declaration nor a regret. It was simply a fact, and he started to realize that he suffered the very fate he had tried to avoid.
“You are right, Lydia. I am a fool, but there is not much I can do about it now. I have become lost in a maze of my own making, and there is no way out.”