Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
The carriage waited. Rose’s lips were still burning from Edmund’s kiss.
A part of her wanted to run back into the maze and stay there forever because it was a place where the fantasy of their romance could exist. Her feelings were like a maze, and she had no idea how to navigate them.
He had told her to stop him, and yet she had been unable.
She was powerless against him, against her heart.
And yet she had to pull away because this kiss was not the beginning of something; it was the end.
“My lady, I am here! I have made it!” Jenny said, suddenly crashing through the hedge.
She was covered in branches and leaves, red-faced and scratched.
Jenny had made her own path rather than following the proper way through the maze.
She tumbled out and only just managed to keep her balance before she brushed herself off, sending the remains of the hedge to the ground beside her feet.
“I am sorry, I seem to have lost you in there. I got turned around somehow. I am glad that you made it out. Did you find the center?” Jenny asked, staggering up to them.
“I did, Jenny, I am glad to see that you are… well. We should get you back into the carriage as soon as possible,” she said, before turning to Edmund.
A lump formed in her throat as she looked into his eyes again.
There was a force pulling her toward him, compelling her to stay, but she had to fight it.
They were too different. Their ambitions would not allow them to share these feelings.
“Farewell, Edmund. Thank you for these promenades. They have been most illuminating, and I shall never forget them. Godspeed on your travels. I hope you find the adventure you seek.”
“Farewell, Rose,” Edmund said. It was all he could manage. His voice trembled with emotion, and his eyes became liquid. He looked like he was about to weep, although Rose was not sure if this truly was the case, or if it was simply a matter of her projecting her own feelings onto him,
Before she became rooted to the spot, Rose returned to the carriage. Jenny pulled the door closed behind them and settled down. Rose turned her gaze away from Edmund, unwilling to linger on him any longer than necessary. They had parted, and she no longer wanted to be bothered by him.
Although she sensed that somehow she would never be able to stop thinking about him.
Jenny was muttering to herself as she pulled out stray leaves and small bits of the hedge from her hair.
“I never realized mazes could be so dangerous, my Lady. I do not know how you managed to get out of there. I thought I might have been lost forever!”
“Yes, I feared the same thing,” Rose said softly.
“But you found a way out in the end. You are safe. All’s well that ends well, isn’t that right?”
“Quite,” Rose said. She fondled her pendant with her ivory gloves and breathed deeply. Emotions swam within and around her heart. “If you don’t mind, Jenny, could we ride in silence? I have... much to think about.”
“Of course, my lady. Whatever you wish. I am sure His Grace has given you a lot to ponder,” Jenny said with a knowing smile.
But she was ignorant. They all were, her parents, everyone at the party…
they all assumed that this would lead to an expected conclusion when Edmund had never done what was expected of him.
And Rose’s heart was not acting as she expected either.
The carriage returned to the house. Rose darted upstairs to avoid any probing questions from her parents and closed the door behind her.
She flung herself on her bed and buried her face in the pillow, which soon became wet with tears.
Heaving breaths burned in her throat, and she curled her hands into fists, gripping the sheets of the bed tightly.
She believed this torment would last for the rest of her life. She hated herself for being so weak. She hated herself for falling in love with Edmund. She hated the world for keeping them apart.
In that moment, she hated absolutely everything.
Morning rose. Sunlight crept across Rose’s face.
She murmured as she stirred and rubbed her eyes.
She was still wearing the same clothes she had on the previous night.
She put her hand to her aching head. There was a bitter taste on her tongue, while nausea swam in her stomach. She felt absolutely rotten.
Rose groaned as she peeled the gloves off her hand and then unclasped the pendant. She placed them both on her dresser, wondering if she would ever wear them again. She then called for Jenny, who helped her change into something more appropriate for breakfast.
Now that it was morning, Rose hoped to maintain a certain sense of composure on her face when she spoke to her parents, but it was harder than she had first believed. Their faces were shimmering with hope.
“How was your evening?” Margaret asked. “You rushed back to your room as soon as you returned. Did something momentous happen? Did he propose?”
Her voice rose and fell with excitement. Rose’s composure barely lasted an instant.
“No… no, he did not,” Rose said. Her voice trembled, and it seemed as though sleep had restored the reserve of tears that had been depleted when she returned home. She leaned forward, her head falling into her hands, and her shoulders shuddered.
Thomas and Margaret rushed out of their chairs and came to sit beside Rose, disturbed by the sight of their daughter in such emotional anguish.
Rose simply felt ashamed. This was all supposed to have been an act, but here she was, wanting to tear her heart out of her chest so she would not have to feel these things again.
“Do not fret, dear. In some ways, it is a good thing that you are so upset because it means you feel something genuine. Just because he did not propose last night does not mean he will not do so in the future. The two of you got on splendidly, did he at least make reference to the courtship continuing?” Thomas said, trying his hardest to see the positive side of the situation.
Rose let out a sharp cry and glared at her father.
“No. This was meant to be only five promenades. In some ways, it is a miracle that it lasted this long,” she said.
“Whatever do you mean?” Margaret said.
“It does not matter. Nothing matters any longer. We will not be getting married. That is the truth of the situation. That is the truth of my life,” she collapsed into another fit of tears. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the entire world, but it was impossible.
Margaret rubbed her back while Thomas made soothing sounds, just like Charlotte and Nathaniel did when Luke was fussing.
“This will pass, Rose. I know this is not the outcome we wanted or expected, but…” Margaret said, struggling to find anything reassuring to say.
“I should have words with him. He fooled us all,” Thomas growled, his face darkening.
“Thomas, do not be foolish. You will only be making the situation worse,” Margaret said.
“Look at Rose! The Duke did this. I must stand in defense of my daughter,” Thomas protested.
“It is not his fault. It is… I am not sure things were ever meant to be. Please, I do not wish for any unnecessary strife. There is only one thing I want,” she said.
“What’s that, dear?” Margaret asked.
“To never be placed in this situation again. My heart is raw, and I am not sure it will ever recover. The thought of falling in love with someone else or taking anyone other than the Duke as a husband is unpalatable. I am wretched and heartbroken, and I can never love again.”
There it was, she thought. It was what she had wanted from the very beginning.
This plan she had concocted. Oh, how smug she had been, thinking she had outwitted her parents and society’s expectations that sought to shackle her.
Only now she was shackled because there was no lie, there was no deceit.
All her fears of having to lie to the people closest to her turned out to be nothing because she felt that everything she thought would be false was true.
Thomas and Margaret looked crestfallen, but they responded with understanding rather than anger.
“Of course, Rose. Perhaps we have a part to blame in this as well, for we pushed you into this. I think we need to learn to be less insistent,” Thomas said, glancing toward Margaret. “You do not have to marry anyone if you do not wish.”
“You always have a home with us, and we love you just as you are, no matter what. I am sorry that this happened. I never believed that a man could be so deceitful. I truly thought he would… Ah, well, it does not matter now. All that matters is that you are here, with us, and you never need to be anywhere else again. I promise that we shall never push you into marriage again,” Margaret said.
Rose was tempted to speak in defense of Edmund’s actions again. What a fool she was! Defending the man who had torn her heart apart. She closed her eyes and swallowed her sorrow, nodding.
“Thank you, it is most kind,” she was just barely holding things together. She clasped her hands in her lap. No food was on her plate, as she could not summon the appetite to eat. “I am sorry to have disappointed you, but I know that my heart will be no good to anyone after this, after... him.”
This was no lie. Her fears had changed because of her experience with Edmund.
She was no longer afraid of being pushed into marriage.
She was afraid of being unable to be with the man she loved.
He would never be hers, and she hated herself for being so weak as to allow her heart to develop these feelings.
Nothing would be the same any longer. As she moved about the world, everything would be colored by this sorrow.
She would think of Edmund often. Any romance novel she read would not be aspirational, but rather a savage mockery of her own failure.
The independence she craved turned out to be a prison, and her sentence was one that would last her entire life.