Chapter 30 #2
“I am sure it will not be as drastic as all that. Some dashing man will come and sweep her off her feet, and then I can be away.”
“And leave everything behind.”
“Exactly.”
“Do you think your parents would be proud that you are following in their footsteps, or would they urge you to stay at home and be with your family?” she asked.
It was a question that cut to the heart of Edmund’s conflict, and he could not imagine anyone else having the courage to ask him. And she was the only person to whom he would give an honest reply.
“I am not sure it matters.”
“Why?” she asked.
Edmund’s throat went dry and deep, and long-held emotions started to rise inside him.
“Because they are dead. It no longer matters what they think. And even if it did, why would I trust their judgment when they left us?”
“If you are angry at them leaving you, then does that not make you a hypocrite? You are leaving your family as well.”
“I am not leaving children behind.” Edmund’s words were so thick with emotion that he almost choked on them.
“We were barely old enough to take care of ourselves. Lydia was still just a girl, and they chose to leave because they could never decide what kind of life they wanted. They tried to make it work, having a settled family and a life of adventure, but it was impossible. I am nothing like them. I stayed, and I took care of Charlotte and Lydia because I had no other choice. Because they left me no other choice!”
His words grew heated, and he began to shake. He stopped walking. Tension captured his muscles, and his hands curled into fists. Rose put her hand on his arm and looked at him imploringly.
“Edmund, I am sorry. I did not mean to make you feel this way.”
“It is not your fault,” he said bitterly, turning away from her.
“It is theirs. It all started with them.
I know I should honor them, but since they died, all I can think about is how different things would have been if they had just taken their responsibility as parents seriously and stayed with us.
Instead, I had to do it for them, and I had to sacrifice my ambitions and my dreams for Charlotte and Lydia.
But now I am at a point where I do not have to think about them as much, where I know they are taken care of.
So I have already made up for my parents’ mistakes in one area, and now I can make up for them in another.
I can finish their expeditions, but I will never give myself to two lives.
I have given myself to my family, and now I must live for myself. ”
“And there is no room for anything else,” she said.
He looked at her, and for a moment he thought that things could be different, but in the end he shook his head.
“No,” he replied.
Rose’s shawl started to slip from her shoulders.
She stopped for a moment to adjust it, and he decided to slip away, darting down a dark, shadowy path.
He waited and peered through the hedge. He could see her looking for him, and then heard her call his name.
She then called for Jenny, who had somehow become lost in the maze as well.
“I hear you, my Lady, but I can’t see you! I am coming, I have just gotten all turned around,” Jenny yelled, her shrill voice breaking the stillness of the night.
Edmund moved like a hunter, creeping along the twisting paths. He had been through this maze many times before and knew where every path led. He doubled back on himself and then came up behind Rose. His footsteps were silent. He reached forward and grabbed her.
She shrieked, turned, and then scowled. She beat his shoulder.
“You are impossible!” she cried out again.
Elsewhere in the maze, Jenny seemed quite concerned and cried out that she was coming to Rose’s aid.
Edmund was laughing.
“Why would you do a thing like that?” Rose said.
“Because the conversation was getting far too serious for my liking. Come. We are close to the end,” he said, grabbing her hand and dragging her forward. Rose could do nothing but follow as they ran through some twisting paths and then emerged into the middle of the maze.
It was a circular area bisected by a path, one leading in and one leading out. There was a small shelter with a bench in the middle. Vines and flowers twined around it, snaking in and out of the gaps. Lanterns were arranged in a circular pattern, illuminating the entire area.
“This is beautiful,” Rose said.
“The destination makes the journey worthwhile,” he replied.
“And all we have to do is walk straight down there to get out.”
“Yes,” he said forlornly, as he was not eager to leave the maze just yet. “But we do not have to leave immediately. Let us stay a while and enjoy the quiet. I know it might be improper, but Jenny is nearby,” he said. They could hear Jenny’s intermittent cries as she struggled with the maze.
They turned to face each other. Edmund was still holding her hand. Rose’s eyes were wide.
“Why should we stay? To delay the inevitable?”
“Or prolong this joy,” he replied.
“You define what we have as joy?”
“You do not? It is most definitely fun. It is the most fun I have had in a long while.”
“Parts of it have been fun, yes, but other parts have been… less so.”
“I hope the fun has made it worthwhile,” he said.
“I am not sure about that. I am not sure anything can make this worthwhile.”
They held each other’s gaze as they spoke. They were being pulled together, as though they were two puppets that were dancing to invisible strings. The light flickered in Rose’s eyes.
“You have never been more beautiful,” he breathed.
“Don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t say things like that. It makes things more painful.”
“I am afraid I must, Rose. I did promise you that nothing would go unsaid tonight, and I can’t leave it without showing you how I truly feel. I know things cannot ever be more than this between us, but I also know that I would always regret it if I never shared my feelings with you.”
“Edmund, this is quite improper,” she said, although there was no force at all behind her words.
“Does impropriety matter that much to you if you are not getting married? It’s not as though some future husband will deny you on the basis that you courted me.
We must live for the moment, for now, for each other.
For our hearts,” he said, his words thrumming with desire and excitement. A tingle spread all over his body.
“Edmund, please, we must stop this.”
“If you want to stop this, then do so. Stop me. You can see the exit. All you have to do is turn away from me and walk,” he said, somehow knowing that she would not.
Indeed, Rose remained rooted to the spot, and not because he was holding her hand.
She did not make any motion to move. Her lips parted, and her eyes shone, and it was far too much for him to resist.
He had intended to declare his feelings for her openly, but now that the moment came, he decided that words were not enough, and he was going to have to show them to her instead.
He caressed her cheek, and she leaned toward him.
Their eyes closed as their lips met, and he was in heaven.
For a moment, he believed that he could stay here with her, and this would last forever.
Her lips were soft, warm, sweet, and alluring.
They were everything pure about the world, and he sensed that he would never experience this kind of joy ever again.
And then it was over.
The exit beckoned.
They both knew this was goodbye. They pressed their foreheads against each other and shared a breath.
“We must go,” Rose said.
He always believed that she was stronger than him. Together, they turned and took the heavy steps out of the maze. Her hand slipped from his, and he felt as though he was losing her bit by bit, piece by piece. His heart would never be intact again, and he would never give it to anyone.
If he were to marry anyone, it would be Rose.
But it could never be.