Chapter Twenty-One
Lady Amelia Brimley
I entered my bed chamber and inhaled the familiar scent of roses.
My mother was fond of the potpourri, and every Monday, she had the servants place fresh sachets throughout the house.
I walked into my bedroom, yawning. Night had fallen, and the house was quiet.
The kiss I had shared with Oliver had fired my blood, and my subsequent conversation with Noah fanned the flames.
I almost wished I hadn’t kissed either Noah or Oliver.
Almost.
“Lady Amelia,” Jenny, my maid, said from my dressing room. Jenny offered me a sleepy smile. I entered the room and turned my back to her. Capable fingers unfastened my gown until the back gaped.
“I’m sorry I’m late. Master Samuel was fussy, and I had to rock him to sleep.” With each loosening of the corset, I inhaled some much-needed air. After I dismissed Jenny, I would start to read Sally’s diary.
“Nurse says the young master is teething,” Jenny said. “I hope he will be well enough to travel to the country for your wedding this Sunday.”
“I am certain he will be.” I stepped behind the folding dress screen and removed my underclothes.
My upcoming wedding added another layer to the heat that continued to course through my body.
Oliver had pinned me against the tree in his zeal to kiss me.
Never before had he displayed such a lack of inhibitions.
My uncertainty in him had faded a tad, but something in the back of my mind still signaled doubt.
My boldness toward Noah had been impulsive.
A kiss to remember me by? Of course he’d remember.
..how brazen I had become. Warmth invaded my cheeks as I slid the modest cotton nightgown off the screen and slipped it over my head.
My actions tonight and the night in his room were questionable.
If he were a lesser gentleman, he might use this as leverage to gain a concession from me. Yet I didn’t truly regret them.
The room was on the street side of the house, and I took comfort from the sounds drifting in from the street.
I moved from behind the screen and sat at the dressing table.
Jenny unfastened my hair until the long strands fell to my shoulders.
She yawned once more, and I took the brush from her hands.
“You may find your bed. I will finish my hair.”
Indecision flittered across her smooth brow.
I shook my head and offered her an encouraging smile.
The sooner I could be alone, the faster I could delve into the diary.
“I will hear no argument. You have been working hard to pack my belongings and arrange for my move to Hayesford Hall. I beg you to get your rest.”
“Very well, my lady.” She gave me a curtsy and, with a soft swish of her skirts, left the room through the servants’ entrance.
The empty room seemed to amplify my beating heart. Alone at last, I pulled out the drawer from my secretary and retrieved the journal. My mouth dry, I stared at the cover. I’d gifted Sally with the volume one Christmas, and she’d taken to writing in it during her time of isolation.
“You can do this,” I whispered to the quiet room.
Fear churned my stomach as I pulled open the embossed leather cover.
I read her name written in my hand and the year I’d given it to her.
Dare I move forward and read it? Some might claim it was an invasion of privacy.
Until I’d overheard my parents’ conversation, I would have made the same assumption.
I closed the cover and stood. My hair hung down my back.
The heavy mass brushed the back of my arm.
Knees weak, I walked over to the bed and climbed between the covers.
The warming pans were welcome after the chills that replaced my earlier arousal.
I kissed Sally’s husband. Multiple times.
Reading her diary somehow seemed even more shameful after that fact.
The lamplight cast a soft glow, and rain had begun to fall, hitting the windowpanes with a soft pattering sound. Quiet reigned inside the house, and I settled the journal on my lap. Noah had put Sam to bed. Had he found his own by now?
Stop thinking about Noah in such a manner.
You are engaged to Oliver. In three nights’ time, I would be lying in his bed as his wife.
After I was married, I’d no longer be living at my parents’ house.
I moved the second pillow on my bed behind my back and propped myself up.
Oliver and I wouldn’t share a room, but we would have connecting suites as was typical for those of our station.
I would make sure he visited me often, or I him.
Noah indicated it would be acceptable for me to do so.
I exhaled and stared at the journal once more.
The next few days would be full of preparations for my move, and I needed to take advantage of the time I had.
I skimmed the first few pages written in her familiar hand.
“My dearest Ethan is looking more and more like his father every day. While we were out for a walk he...” I continued to read but found most of the entries had to do with Ethan and his antics.
Sally’s love for him popped off the pages.
Tears sprang to my eyes as I flipped through more.
She hadn’t written every day, and some entries were months apart.
I halted at one which was dated a week before the twins were born.
“Sweet Amelia came home today, but still no word from Noah. Before he’d gone to sea, he promised to be home for the birth of our child.
I pray he gets here on time. The baby is active and I’m most anxious for him to arrive.
I have a sense it’ll be a boy. I pray he’s healthy. ”
Sally was surprised, as were the rest of us when she’d had twins.
“My boys are here. Twins. Both boys are healthy. Noah still hasn’t returned and Mama insisted Amelia go back to school in preparation for her coming out season.
I do wish she could have stayed. The melancholy I’d experienced after Ethan’s birth is back with the twins, but this time it feels much more insurmountable.
I don’t know how I shall ever overcome it. ”
“Oh Sally, I am sorry. So sorry.” Sobs choked me as I read on. “Had I simply paid attention, I could have helped you.”
The handwriting blurred before my eyes, and I wanted to toss the book away in my grief, yet I kept reading.
“My dearest sister, Amelia, has a way of bringing me out of my doldrums. Mama called the doctor. He says I’m suffering from hysteria and prescribed laudanum.
The medication helps. Some. I miss my husband and wish he would return.
Maybe then, I could share my fears with him.
But alas, he is not home and I despair he will never return. ”
Tears streamed down my face. While she was suffering, I was planning my season, oblivious to her pain.
I had wanted to stay longer because I adored my nephews, but Mother had insisted I finish learning etiquette.
I was going to be a duchess after all, and in her words, I could use all the help I could get to curb my impulsive nature.
Rain fell harder, the increasing thumping sounds matching my anxiety as I continued reading.
“Noah is home and I should be thrilled, but nothing excites me anymore. I find it hard to lift my hand to write this entry for the burden of my hysteria continues to weigh me down. The laudanum is the only thing that helps but even it isn’t enough at times. ”
Mother had said the medication was what Sally used to end her own life. Was it on purpose, or had she drunk too much by accident?
“Amelia debuted this year and I rarely see her. I remember how carefree I was during my season. I fell in love with my husband—a dashing military man—and married him. After Ethan was born, everyone told me how lucky I was. At first, I was content, and then the darkness settled in. With the help of my beloved sister, I was able to rein in the pain and come out of the dark tunnel into the light. Now that the twins are here, I’ve more than fulfilled my duties to my husband and yet.
.. I can’t shake the feeling that I have failed all of them. ”
I shook my head and shifted my position, anger at myself rushing to the fore.
Sally had done everything she was expected to as a lady.
The melancholy she’d experienced after Ethan had been sporadic.
At first, I was concerned. Mother swore it was normal for a woman to feel melancholy after childbirth, and I’d believed her because the alternative didn’t bear thinking about.
It was easier to blame my mother than to acknowledge my own guilt that I hadn’t taken Sally’s illness seriously.
Shame coursed through me as I read on.
“Ethan is too young to understand that I don’t have any desire to play with him as I once did.
The twins take every last bit of energy I possess and each day is a struggle to get through.
Noah keeps Ethan occupied but I cringe when I see the judgmental looks he casts my way.
Lately, all we do is argue. I gave him three children.
He should be grateful! I am sorry, my beloved Noah, I never meant to blame you for my weak character.
You were concerned about my ongoing health and insisted on calling for the doctor to examine me again. It was very noble of you.”
All was not good between Noah and Sally. Caught up in the whirlwind of the season, I hadn’t been around to witness it. What a horrible sister I was. The next entry was dated two months into the season.
“Noah has received orders to set sail on the morning tide for his last voyage. After much discussion between us, he will be resigning his commission effective the end of June. His captain has asked him to see the ship to port in Scotland before he will return to London via train. At last, my dear husband will be permanently by my side. I pray that the devil that has a hand on my soul will be vanquished by his mere presence and I will once again bask in the light of joy.”
I skimmed the date of the last entry again and did a quick calculation in my mind. My throat was tight from trying to hold back the sobs. That was the last time Noah saw Sally alive. She’d died the day before he came home from Scotland.
“The doctor directed Mama to lock me in my room and demanded I be on bed rest. I must admit, I am relieved by his dictate. There is no more need for me to pretend I am interested in my children’s welfare.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate the twins.
God, please have mercy on my soul for hate is such a strong word.
They’re my children but they stole my joy and I’m afraid it will never return. ”
Oh, what pain she must have endured. Sally had been gentle and loving, with rarely a bad word to say about anyone.
To hate her own children must have torn her apart.
I scratched at my forehead, unable to comprehend such awful sentiment no matter how tortured Sally had been.
I tried not to judge, but it was difficult to understand her state of mind.
“Ethan, sweet Ethan. He doesn’t understand.
How could he? Mama will take care of him.
She loves him more than she ever loved me, Amelia, or Albert.
Where is Noah? He should be home by now.
Or perhaps not. I’ve lost track of the days.
Each one blends into itself until night is day and day is night.
I need to sleep now. The medication helps.
It’s the only thing that helps, yet Mama has taken to doling it out.
She doesn’t know I managed to hide a bottle when she wasn’t looking and now I will finally be able to sleep. ”
I flipped the page, but it was blank. From the date scribbled at the top of the page in a heavier hand than anywhere else in the diary, this was the last entry.
My gut twisted, and I fanned the remaining pages.
By sleep, had she meant killing herself, or was it a metaphor?
Mother had said she found Sally with the empty bottle.
Noah had arrived home the day after Sally was found dead.
Everything stopped the day she died. I lifted the covers, clutching the journal to my chest. Sobs racked my body, and it was hard to breathe through the pain. My sister had lived a stark existence after the twins were born, and I’d been so self-absorbed I hadn’t seen her misery.
If she experienced such anguish, would I suffer the same fate once I bore Oliver’s child?
A chill of dread washed over me, along with guilt.
Once again, my focus had shifted from Sally’s pain to my own selfish musings.
But my sister’s life wasn’t mine, and I couldn’t anticipate trouble until it was upon me.
There was a chance I could suffer the same as she had and a great enough chance I wouldn’t. Either way, only time would tell.