Chapter 18
Eighteen
“Ihave asked the servants to start packing my things, and will arrange everything else after breakfast.” Tobias stood in the drawing room the next day, his hands clasped behind his back.
He had not managed to sleep the night before. Instead, he had lain awake, plagued by thoughts of the harm he had caused.
How could I have been so blind?
It was time to make things right. He had been foolish to think it could be any other way, and Georgie and Alistair had paid the price.
“You do not need to do that.” Rowen stood, placing the dress she was embroidering on the sofa beside her.
She stepped towards him. Her lips were pursed, eyes wide. Her hair fell about her face, framing it in a way that made her look younger, more innocent.
Tobias’s chest tightened, and he almost took a step towards her, but caught himself and remained rooted to the spot.
I must be like ice.
“I do.” He stiffened. “I will not break my vows to you, nor my vows to James.”
“But we do not even know that you are the cause of all of this.” Rowen took a step towards him. “Perhaps it is simply the change.”
“I will not take that risk.”
There is something wrong with me.
Tobias swallowed and stepped back. “I will make the arrangements, and I will leave by this afternoon.”
“By this afternoon?” Rowen gasped. “Surely we should discuss this?”
“What is there to discuss, Rowen?” Tobias tore his gaze from her.
“We are married—”
“In name only. That is what we both agreed. What we both want.”
He wished that he sounded more certain, but even as he said the words, his chest constricted as though an invisible hand was wringing him like a rag.
“I swore I would protect you.”
“And just how do you think leaving m—us will do that?” Rowen strode towards him, her eyes blazing. “I had not thought you a coward, Tobias. Running when things get hard.”
“Is that what you think I am doing?” Anger flared in his chest.
“I have no idea what you are doing. I opened up to you, and your first response was to turn tail and run!” Rowen shook with frustration.
“This is what you wanted!” Tobias closed the distance between them, towering over her. “You were the one who asked me to keep my distance, who wanted me to stay away from the children.”
“And you insisted on having a hand in their education,” she shot back. “And I do not think you were wrong.”
“How can you say that? You told me that you were worried about them—”
“Because I am! But I do not think, I… Your leaving will not help.”
“Are you sure about that?” Tobias’s voice was quiet as his eyes searched her face. “Tell me that you are sure it has nothing to do with me, and I will stay.”
Tell me you want me here.
He hated himself for thinking it. Hated how weak he was for wishing she would ask, even though they both knew his staying would only cause more harm.
She opened her mouth and shook her head. “I did not think you were the type of man to run from a fight.”
“I am not.” Tobias shrugged, even though her words needled him. “I am simply giving you what you asked for. What you have always wanted. I thought you would be happy.”
He could not manage a smile, not while ice spread through his blood. The numbness warred against the guilt and fury and shame. He dug his nails into the palms of his hands.
“This is for the best.”
It has to be.
He could not look at her as he turned to leave the room. “You will see.”
“No!” He felt her fingers wrap around his wrist.
The scent of violets filled his nose, and he turned his head towards her, almost before he realized what he was doing.
“You are weak, Tobias.”
It was his father’s voice. He hardened his heart, building walls around it as he stared into Rowen’s furious grey eyes.
“Let me go, Rowen.” His voice was strained as the whirlwind in his chest only grew in strength.
“Make me.” Her eyes met his, her chin raised in defiance.
“Do you doubt that I could?” He moved towards her, straightening to his full height.
“No. Just that you would.” Her voice was soft.
“Are you so willing to put that to the test, Duchess?” He could not look away from her eyes.
“What are you so afraid of?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
Her words struck him with the force of a bullet. “I am not.”
“Do not lie to me.”
“You seem to be the one who is afraid; I am offering you everything you wanted, yet you balk at it.” He narrowed his eyes at her, smirking.
Push it all away.
He thought of the empty estate he would return to, and his chest ached. The numbness swept over him, and he leaned into it. He drew it around himself like a blanket as the world around him became a little more distant.
Except for Rowen. The feel of her fingers against his skin was like a brazier fighting against the cold that surrounded him. His heart beat steadily in his chest, so loudly.
“And what do you want, Tobias?” Rowen’s eyes were like a sea in a storm.
To stay. “I have to leave.” He could not break from her.
“That is not an answer.” She was so close, he could feel the heat radiating from her body.
“What do you want?” he asked hoarsely.
“I asked you first.” Rowen licked her lips, her own voice cracking.
He could see every one of her eyelashes. Each of her words tickled his skin. Fire rose within him, and the numbness vanished.
“Do not do this.” Tobias did not know if the words were for himself or for her.
Rowen’s grey eyes drew him in like magnets. He thought he would drown in them. The very air was charged. His body was a tightly coiled spring. A familiar hunger rose inside him, loud and insistent.
Her lips parted. He saw his own hunger in her eyes.
“What do you want, Tobias?” she asked again.
He could not tell if the thundering in his ears was the sound of her heartbeat or his. He reached for her face, his fingers brushing against her cheek.
I cannot.
The last of his resolve broke like a wave on the shore. “I want—”
“What do you think you are doing?” a furious voice boomed through the hall.
Tobias whirled around, fury mingling with embarrassment as he prepared to lay into whoever had dared speak to him in that way. But there was no one else around.
The shouting continued, a woman’s voice mingling with a man’s, and he realized that it was coming from the training room.
“That sounds like Miss Harris.” Rowen frowned. “Why on earth is she shouting?”
“Wait here!” Tobias sprinted out of the room.
He did not bother to see if Rowen would obey him. The governess and a man were yelling, and that meant the children could be in danger.
He sprinted towards the sound that was coming from the large training room down the hall from his study.
If anything has happened to them…
Fear lent him an extra burst of speed.
“Not another step, or I will have your hide,” he heard Miss Harris hiss.
“Out of my way, you harl—”
The words were cut off as he flung open the door and stormed into the room. His heart thudded so violently against his ribs that he was sure it would free itself from his body.
In one glance, he took in the scene. The governess was standing between Georgie and Alistair, who were on the floor behind her, and Mr. Grey, the fencing instructor, was towering over her.
“Georgie, Alistair, are you all right?” Tobias hurried towards the twins as the governess took a step back.
“Your Grace, this woman is disrupting my lesson. I ask that you have her removed. I am only trying to do my job and—” Mr. Grey began.
“Hold your tongue,” Tobias cut him off, his voice cold as he put himself between the children and the instructor. “You have made enough of a scene already, and I will deal with you in a moment. Both of you.”
Mr. Grey’s nostrils flared, and he opened his mouth as though to speak, but Tobias held up a hand.
He looked from the instructor to the governess. “Do not make me ask you again, Mr. Grey.”
Mr. Grey’s mouth snapped shut, and Tobias saw a vein bulge in his head, but he did not care. He turned away from him and looked at the twins.
Alistair was standing in front of Georgie, her hand clutched in his. His face was paler than usual, but Georgie’s was ashen, her eyes wide and red-rimmed.
You have scared them.
Tobias took a deep breath and knelt down so that he was at eye level with them.
Alistair looked from him to Georgie, shifting closer to his sister as though to protect her.
They looked so alike, in their matching trousers and shirts, both small and innocent.
Georgie looked at Tobias with watery eyes that shattered his heart.
“I am sorry, I did not mean to frighten you both,” he spoke in the same tone that he would use to calm a frightened animal. “I heard the shouting, and I feared that you might have been hurt.”
“You did not frighten us.” Georgie tilted her chin up as Alistair nodded.
“That is good.” Tobias let out a breath. “Are you all right?”
The twins nodded, though Tobias thought he saw Alistair’s eyes dart to Mr. Grey and then back. He felt a prickle of unease, but kept it from his face.
“I would like you two to tell me what happened.” He swallowed. “Can you do that for me?”
“It was my fault.” Georgie shifted his weight from one foot to another. “If you are going to punish anyone, you should punish me.”
The tremor in her voice broke something inside him, and he fought the urge to pull her to him.
Georgie seemed so small, so vulnerable, and though her brother stood staunchly by her side, Tobias could see his youth just as plainly.
“I am not going to punish you, I promise. I just want to understand what has happened.” Tobias’s eyes flitted to Miss Harris, who had moved slightly but not spoken.
He could sense that the woman was itching to have her say, but she could wait.
“You promise no one will be in trouble?” Alistair looked again at the other adults before looking back at Tobias.
“I promise that you will not be in trouble.” Tobias did not want to lie to them. “I will need to talk to Miss Harris and Mr. Grey—they should not have behaved like that in front of you. But I promise I will be fair.”