Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
“Ido not know that I can do this.”
Cassandra was grateful that her friend had come to visit her. She had not seen much of Philippa, and she had missed her presence. It was nice to have someone that had not known her for years, someone that did not assume that she knew what Cassandra wanted.
She felt incredibly selfish for even thinking it. She had the greatest friends in the world, but sometimes she simply wished that they did not know her so well. For once, she wished to not be known at all, and to be taken at face value when she expressed her desires.
Unfortunately, at face value, her desire was her husband to be, and she could no longer hide from it.
“You can do anything you please,” Philippa said gently. “You know that I think you are the single most powerful lady here, and you shall not be taken down so easily as this.”
“But it feels as though I already have been. Your grandmother has made her choice, and it is not me.”
“And you are not marrying my grandmother, so all is well. You told her yourself that she cannot control what my brother does, and I have always known that he holds a candle for you. It may not sound like it is enough at this moment, but it is. As long as it is what you want, of course.”
“Would I be stupid if I said it is?”
“Of course not! Why would you ever be considered it? There is nothing foolish about love, Cassandra.”
“Because I made every effort to thwart the match. I did not want it, I was so certain of it, but then…”
“But then you had to admit that your pride was in the way?” Philippa offered.
Cassandra wanted to refute such a claim, but of course she could not. It was the truth; she had wanted to remain alone on principle, to prove that she could do it, but she had fallen victim to the very thing that she had sworn never to fall for.
“It is not a fatal flaw,” her friend chuckled. “There are worse things that one can have. Besides, I will not claim to understand quite what you see in my brother, but then I have known him all my life.”
“He is more loyal than anyone that I have ever known,” she explained without thinking.
“Everything that he has ever done has been for you, and your grandmother, and now me. I do not know why he has done so, though I suspect it is out of duty, but he has, and thought there have been issues I have never once seen his loyalty waiver.”
“That is certainly how he has always been. He does not know any other way to be, I suppose. I value that trait greatly too. I think, when I take a husband, I shall want that to be his greatest quality.”
“I hope you find it. It is certainly rare.”
“It is, so when my brother eventually finds a way to fix all of this, I hope that you do not push him away. I would like for you to be my sister, Cassandra.”
And as she left the room, Cassandra knew that she wanted that too. She was a sweet lady, and one that had been underestimated just as she had been. If she were there, she could ensure that Philippa had a real chance at love, rather than one that made sense to the ton but not to Philippa herself.
After a few moments, a knock came and she invited them in. It was the Duke himself, looking at her kindly and in a way that stirred her.
“Are you all right?” he asked, and in spite of herself it brought a laugh out of her.
“That is certainly a question to ask!”
“I know, but I wished to ask you all the same. You are looking brighter, at least.”
“I have had time to consider everything, that is all. Your grandmother is cruel when she wishes to be.”
“Dare I ask what she said to you?”
She considered it for a moment. She wondered if it was best to tell him that his grandmother had called her classless, and proclaimed that she would never accept her as her grandson’s wife, but it all felt pointless.
The Dowager Duchess had never once hidden her feelings, so being detailed in her assertions would only serve to hurt further.
“It hardly matters now.”
“It does matter,” he said firmly, crossing the room so that he was standing before her. “It matters to me. I will not have you hurt.”
“Then you shall be glad to know that I am not hurt. Well, hardly, at least. To be entirely honest with you, she has not said anything that I have never heard before. The entire ton thinks the same of me, which is why I have never understood why you would dare make me your duchess.”
“Because I do not care what they think. They have made assumptions about you, and they are wrong. You will prove that in time.”
“And your grandmother–”
“You may not believe me, but whatever you said to her has made her change her mind. She has told me that you have earned her respect, and that though you may never think it is true, she is sorry for the pain that she caused you.”
Cassandra did not believe that, not for a minute.
The dowager had hated her from the moment they met, and one single conversation was not going to be enough to sway her in her beliefs.
Even so, she wanted to believe it. She wanted to believe that his grandmother had seen the good in her at last if they were to get married.
“And you are certain that she has said that?”
“She told me herself, and she will gladly say it to you too. She feels dreadful about it all, Lady Cassandra.”
She sighed. She wished it was easier to find faults in him, so that when he disappointed her she could say she knew it would happen.
She wanted to dissect his flaws so that she could pretend it was better to be rid of them, but try as she might, they were slipping out of reach and she could no longer remember a single one.
“Even so, there are so many obstacles,” she huffed. “We have already had so much to overcome, and it will not stop. Why, when Lady Sylvia hears that we shall marry regardless she will be apoplectic. Who knows what she will do?”
“You shall have to think of another issue, for that one has solved itself. I have already spoken with her, and the truth is that she wishes to marry me as much as I wish to marry her, that being not at all. Our obstacles are disappearing one by one.”
“That changes nothing.”
But it did. If he was right, then the two things that she hated the most about their match were no longer present. They could marry, and all would be well, but a doubt remained in her mind and she could not quite understand just what it was.
The truth was, she knew that he was too good of a man to be true. He had always been the perfect gentleman, and such a thing did not exist. A perfect person always had something to hide, and he would not be an exception.
She considered, as she bunched her skirts in on hand nervously, that she did not deserve to have such an exception. She had never been too fortunate, and that would not change, she was certain of that.
“I would say,” he said softly as he took the hand that was holding her skirts, “that it changes everything. By now, the only thing in our way is you, and I would rather that change.”
She found that rather amusing, at least. After so much time spent fretting that everything was wrong with their match, in the end it was herself that was the problem, and even she had been unsuccessful.
Perhaps, she reasoned, they were simply meant to marry, and there was no changing that.
She needed to accept her fate, she decided, and be a duchess.
However, it was not the great sacrifice that she imagined it would be.
In fact, it was what she wanted. She never would have thought, not for a moment, that it was something that would make her happy, let alone something that she would actively delight in, but one look at the Duke was all that she needed to know for certain that it was what she needed.
“Well,” she replied, “it is not as though I can find a way to stop this wedding the day before it takes place. Even I know that I do not have such power as to prevent it.”
He chuckled at that, and she hoped that it was because he knew she did not mean it.
It was not that she did not see any other way out, but because she no longer wanted one.
She wanted to be his, and she wanted to be the Duchess.
If the issues persisted, they could face them, and that was all that she truly needed.
“You are pleased to marry, then?” he asked.
“I am. You know, before all of this, I saw my friend with her child and I could not help but envy her. I have always said that I do not need a husband, and that I do not need to be a wife, and I do still believe that, but I feel that I can want those things, if that makes sense.”
“It makes perfect sense, for I feel the same way. I find that we often agree on matters, which makes a nice change for me. I hardly ever feel that I am understood.”
“Yes, well, if we cannot escape our destiny, and we must marry lest society throw us aside, then we might as well face it together. It will be easier that way, more tolerable.”
“I agree.”
For a moment, she said nothing. He remained quiet alongside her.
She had meant every word; they could handle whatever came their way, for if they could manage an angry grandmother and a determined rival, as well as a strange gentleman that felt he had a claim to her of sorts, then they could face the ton.
But then the Duke held out his hand, and suddenly that did not feel so certain in her mind.
She did not want to shake his hand as though their match was a business arrangement.
She wanted the circumstances to have been different, and for him to have loved her so that they could have behaved differently– perhaps even kissed.
She wanted to be loved, especially if she was to be a wife.
That had always been the one reason why she would change her mind, and she had gone against it.
It was the day before her wedding. She was supposed to be telling her betrothed how much she longed to be his wife, and that she adored him completely, and they would behave as though they were already husband and wife even though they knew it was forbidden.
She wanted the thrill of it all, the romance of it all, but he did not show any of it to her.
And she knew it was unfair, but she was furious with him for it. She wanted him to see her, to understand that no matter what she said, she wanted him desperately. She did not know quite when she had fallen for him, but everyone around her seemed to have noticed. Why had he not?
She faltered. If everyone else knew, it meant that he did too, and he was choosing not to act upon it.
If that were the case, if he knew that she had true and romantic feelings for him and he did not act any differently, then it could only be because he did not feel the same way.
It was a blow, but one that she could not blame him for.
Their match was a sensible one and nothing more, and though she could wish for more, it would go unfulfilled and she could not blame him for that.
Cassandra knew that the fault was her own, because she had asked for too much.
She shook his hand as a friend would, and he left her room.
She stood, scarlet, realizing that the man she was expected to marry had been in her bedroom, and though chaperoned he should never have been there.
It was forbidden, just as their match should have been.
She should have avoided him at every opportunity, but she had not, and that was her own fault entirely.
“Shall I prepare your things, my lady?” the maid asked. “For the wedding?”
“Yes, thank you.”
Regardless of how she felt, it did not matter. The following day would come, and she would say her vows and mean them, and he would say his and not mean them. It was simple, and precisely what they had agreed upon. She did not want to ask for more than that, for then she would only be disappointed.
They were going to marry, and that was going to be enough.