Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
George had never wanted anything more in his life than to kiss his bride-to-be.
She was standing before him, her lips parted and her eyes searching, and he was expected to maintain his composure. It was torture, and the only thing that he could think to do was hold out his hand in an attempt to put distance between them.
Why did he want her so badly?
She did not want him. She had said herself that she was resigned to her fate, and that she would no longer make it difficult for him.
She had agreed that their match would be sensible and practical, for that was best for all involved.
He had wanted to correct her, to say that that was not what was best for him, but he had not said a word, because if he did, and she rejected him, then it might have killed him.
“I cannot believe that the wedding is tomorrow!” Philippa gushed at dinner.
They were all seated save for Lady Cassandra, who had requested that her meal be taken to her. Her absence was noted, but Philippa seemed content for it to be the three of them and George did not wish to dampen her spirits.
“And I cannot believe that I am saying this,” his grandmother replied, “but I am looking forward to it. The village needs something like this. I noticed during the party that there is a certain lack of spirit there.”
“What do you mean? They seemed perfectly happy.”
“Happy, yes, but there was… I do not know, but it felt as though something was missing. Did you notice it, George?”
“I did not, but there have been some difficulties with the farms this year, and some fabric shortages, so I can assume that they have faced more hardship than usual.”
“I see. In any case, your wedding will be something for them to be pleased about.”
George did not think that his wedding would help any of them. It was not to be a grand display of wealth, but he still did not believe that those in the village that were struggling would appreciate knowing that their duke was happy and comfortable in his enormous home.
And if they knew that he had been so preoccupied with his bride that he had not noticed their struggle, they would be even angrier about it.
George shook his head gently and tried not to think about it.
He had not ignored it all deliberately, and had only neglected their troubles because he had struggled to find a balance between everything that he had to do.
Once he was married, and they had settled into their routine, he would fix it.
“And why are you now pleased about it?” Philippa asked. “You have certainly changed your mind quickly.”
“I know,” she sighed. “I was going to speak with you tomorrow, Philippa, but I owe you an apology. I thought that I was protecting you both, but I see now that I have only been controlling you. You did not deserve that, and it was unfair of me.”
“Oh, Grandmother, I know. I have always known that you wanted the best for us.”
“But I should have been kinder about it! Do not accept my apology so easily.”
“But I want to. I know that you mean it, and that you wish to change, so what good can be found in holding a grudge? I would rather we move on. Do you not feel the same, George?”
He wanted to say no, and declare that he was furious still and always would be, but when he looked at the elderly lady before him he knew that he could not.
She had done all that she could just as he had, and though he did not want to see himself in her, he had no choice but to.
They had both tried, and they had both made mistakes.
“I do,” he nodded. “I do not want to start my marriage with any hurt feelings in this household. I wish to move forward just as Philippa does, and that can only happen if we forgive one another.”
He glanced at his sister then, and noticed that she was looking at him with a sideward glance, as though she were hiding something.
She had never hidden anything from him before, and he dreaded to think what it could possibly be, but he pushed the thought from his mind.
This was his younger sister, the sweet girl that had never gotten into any trouble at all.
And so, when he saw her alone in the parlor room that evening, he did not expect a very difficult conversation at all.
“I saw how you were looking at me,” he said outright. “What do I need to forgive you for?”
She looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as though he had said something ridiculous.
“Did I misunderstand?” he asked.
“You did, but it does not matter. It is nothing.”
“It is not nothing. If there is something that I should know, then I would very much like to.”
“So that you can begin your marriage well,” she echoed.
“Precisely.”
“Very well,” she said shakily, closing the book that was sitting beside her.
She patted the seat next to her, and he took it. He wondered what she could possibly have to say that warranted an expression as serious as hers. She had never been the sort of girl to announce anything, which meant that he truly did not know what it could be.
“You are a good brother,” she said carefully. “I do not want you to think otherwise, for you truly are the very best that I could ask for.”
“I see, so it is something you feel I should apologize for.”
“Only if you want to! I do not want to bully you into it, for then it is not an apology at all. George, I– you have always done right by me, I know that, but sometimes I cannot help but think you have held me back too much.”
“I do not recall doing that.”
“You have never noticed, but you have. You have always told me that I need to find the perfect husband, and be the perfect wife. I have had more lessons than any other person I know, lady or gentleman. You have done right by me, just as I said, but it has been… it has been stifling.”
“So you are saying that I have been too good of a brother?”
She laughed at that, shaking her hair loose from the pins in it.
“I suppose, in a way, that you have been. What I mean to say is that I have never been able to make a mistake. I have always been the perfect young lady, and that has meant that I could never be anything else. Anything more.”
“I see. Well, who do you want to be?”
“That is just it, George. I do not know. I did not think that there was any other way to be until I met Cassandra. She showed me what it meant to be yourself without sacrificing your position, and to do what is expected of you without sacrificing yourself. I do not want an apology from you, per se, but I do want you to know how happy I am that you have made the right decision. We have all needed her. Our family is better for having met her.”
George agreed with that entirely. Lady Cassandra Burrow had challenged them all, forced them to confront their lives in a way that they had never expected, but Philippa was exactly right. They had needed it, and she had made them all better for it.
“I am proud of you, too,” she continued. “I thought for a while that you might ruin it, but you did not. I should have trusted you more. I suppose, then, that I do owe you an apology. I should have believed in you, for you have never disappointed me before.”
“I have, many times, and I will do it again, but I will do my best. While you are out in society, I promise that I will let you decide what is best for you. I will not force you to do anything that you do not want again.”
The warmth in her face was undeniable, and at last George truly believed that he was the brother that he had always wanted to be.
Philippa was an intelligent girl, and yet he had never trusted her to make her own decisions, but that would change.
He would be better. Everything would be better, and it would start the following day when he married Lady Cassandra.
But when he was awoken before dawn the following morning, he knew that it would not be that easy.
Nothing that he wanted ever was. He groaned into his pillow when his butler explained that he had a guest waiting for him in the hallway.
As he dressed himself, he wondered who would possibly have the gall to arrive at his home uninvited on the day of his wedding of all things.
He had forgotten, given that he had done what was expected of him, that Buxton existed at all.
He was standing in the hallway with a grin, and when he saw George, it twisted into a smirk.
George assumed that he had come to collect the last of the debt, which he was keeping in his study.
He would hand it over to him, and the matter would be over with entirely, and he could enter into his marriage knowing that all was as it should have been.
“What do you want, Buxton?” he sighed.
“Good morning to you too,” he chuckled. “I have come to offer you my congratulations on securing a match. The Burrow family is most wealthy, and with that comes a sizable dowry, so I can only imagine how pleased you must be.”
“I do not care for her dowry. I do not even know its size.”
“Ah, that is quite a shame.”
“And why is that?”
Buxton chuckled, shaking his head at George as though he was a schoolboy that had done something inappropriate yet endearing. There was something in the man’s face that George loathed, and he wanted him to leave. He was tired of it all, and more than that he wished to prepare for his wedding.
It was only to be a small affair, with himself and Lady Cassandra and their families present, but that did not mean he wanted it to be simple. He wanted it to be worth all of the turmoil, and yet here was a man that wished to add to it all.
“Your Grace, I know you. You are like your father, and you will do anything in your power to save face. I will admit that your choice in bride was a surprise to me, for she is not the–”
“You will not say a word against her.”
“Very well. I will not. My point is that you will do what you must, and as it seems, you are able to do an awful lot.”
“That has nothing to do with you.”
“On the contrary, it has everything to do with me. I do not plan to stay long, Your Grace, so let me be very clear. I expect that, with her dowry, you will be able to pay double what you owed. Should you not, then I will expose your family, and all of this will have been for nothing.”
It felt like a punch in the stomach. He had done everything that Buxton had asked. He had repaid his debts, and more on top of them in order to keep him happy. He had done everything in his power to protect his family, and it was not enough.
But he could no longer cower. He had to be a man, had to prove that he was worthy of his bride. Lady Cassandra did not deserve a husband that could not protect her, nor one that would bow down to any threat that came their way. He had to be better for her.
And he would be from that moment.
“I will remind you that extortion is illegal,” George warned. “It is punishable too, by imprisonment or exile. I suggest that you turn around and leave before I am forced to take the matter further.”
“You would never do that. It is as I said, Your Grace, you are your father’s son. He would have done anything to save face, and you will do the same. It will be easier for both of us if you simply do what is expected of you. Real gentlemen always do.”
“I have already told you that I am not like my father,” he warned again, “and if you do not believe me, then that will only be to your detriment, for I am more than willing to show you rather than merely telling. The choice is yours, Buxton.”
“On the contrary, the choice is yours, and you and I both know precisely which one you will make. I have this conversation twice a week with a multitude of debtors, and they always make the right decision. I trust that you will do the same. Enjoy your wedding, Your Grace.”
He turned and left, and George watched him go. He knew that there was not a chance that he would let the man win, and yet something kept his feet planted there instead of following him out. He was furious, he hated him, but he had to admit that paying him was easier.
Against his will, he wondered what Lady Cassandra’s dowry amounted to, and he forced himself to think of anything else at all.
It was not his to give, and he had always said that.
What was to come was his burden, not that of his wife, and if he had his way then she would never know of it at all. He would remedy it once and for all.
And that meant that he would not pay a thing, for if he did then he was accepting a life of Buxton always demanding more. His solution had to be permanent, and it had to be thought of quickly. He would make Buxton regret ever threatening his family.
But, he realized with a sick ache in his stomach, it had to be done before he could marry.
Lady Cassandra did not deserve to be saddled with a man like him.
She had entered into their match knowingly, but he had kept his debts from her.
It had been unfair of him to keep such a secret, and the thought of tying her to them too was too much.
He had to delay the wedding, only for a short while, but that meant risking her leaving altogether.
And if she did, he would not blame her. She had every right to turn away from a man that had been unable to give her everything she deserved, and in spite of his best efforts that was what had happened.
She deserved better than the man that he was, and if she chose to turn a delay into cancelling it altogether, then he would accept her decision.
He simply did not know that he could accept his.