Chapter 16
The manor was quiet again. Once upon a time, Catriona had craved the peace. She would slip away at any given moment for brief periods of silence. But right now, she despised it. Her thoughts were now far too loud to be ignored.
It had been days since she’d seen or spoken to Joseph.
He’d since recovered and was back in his office by the end of that day while she’d taken care to stick to the sections of the manor she doubted he would ever frequent, not wanting to run into him.
But all that meant was that she spent long periods of time thinking about him.
She sighed, leaning over the side of the armchair in a small parlor to scratch behind Nina’s neck.
Her anger had fizzled out that day, and in its absence came clarity of how utterly selfish she might have acted.
Curiosity had gotten the better of her, yes, but why did she think that he would open up to her?
Why had she hoped to understand him a little better in the first place?
Surely, she should have known how he would react?
Her reaction to his blatant rejection was out of pure hurt and embarrassment. She didn’t know how she was going to apologize. The mere thought of facing him again was both embarrassing and endearing. And it had been the only thing she could think of for days.
“I should just do it, shouldn’t I?” she murmured to Nina. Her loyal dog lifted her head to look at her.
Catriona knew what that meant, but still, she asked, “Should I?”
Nina barked softly. Catriona sighed. She was delaying the inevitable at this point.
She pulled herself to stand, brushing off the front of her dress in an effort to gather her courage.
Apologizing was the responsible thing to do after all, and she was nothing if not responsible.
If she could face him after misjudging him on their first meeting and issue a sincere apology, then she could certainly do so now that they resided under the roof.
Though she knew that it was that small fact was what made all the difference.
She wouldn’t think about it any longer though. If she did, she was liable to drive herself mad by the end of the day.
Catriona, with Nina trailing behind her, made her way to Joseph’s office. She hesitated before she knocked, her heart pounding loudly in her ears.
“Come.”
Faking a bravado, Catriona entered the office. Her eyes landed on Joseph immediately, who was still too busy writing something to look up at who had entered. She lingered by the door, observing for a moment.
At some point, the mere sight of him was enough to steal her breath away. But, like the other times, Catriona told herself there was a valid reason for it. This time, it was only because she was nervous to apologize.
Not because she had wondered if he truly had recovered well, and seeing the healthy glow of his skin and his restored energy showed her that she had no reason to worry. Not because she had been thinking about him constantly, but her memory could never compare to the real thing.
And certainly not because when he finally looked up at her, she felt like she was the only woman in the world if only for a brief moment.
His face was impassive, giving nothing away, but he returned his quill pen to its ink pot, not taking his eyes off her as he leaned back against his chair. “Catriona.”
“Am I… interrupting you?” she asked a bit uncertainly. “If so, I could come back another time.”
“No need. There is no better time than the present. What do you need?”
“Just a moment of your time,” she told him.
Joseph raised a brow. “And do you intend to take that moment while standing by the door?”
Catriona forced herself to move, going to sit in one of the armchairs closest to his desk. She gave herself a moment to find her words before she looked back at him. “Joseph, I would like to apologize.”
“Apology accepted.”
Catriona blinked. “You haven’t even heard the reason why.”
“The reason does not matter. I can tell that you’re being sincere right now, and I would much rather accept the apology and move on so that we are not stuck in this uncomfortable stalemate with each other.”
Oh, heavens. At this rate, the butterflies in her stomach were going to fight their way right through. “You should give me the chance to get the words out at the very least.”
It might have been her imagination, but she thought she saw the side of his lips twitch. She couldn’t fathom what was funny about this conversation, however. “Then by all means, Catriona.”
She thinned her lips. “Well, it has lost much of its luster at this point but… I would like to apologize for overstepping my boundaries that day. I won’t let it happen again.”
Joseph only stared at her for a long moment. Catriona frowned slightly.
“Now would be the right time to give your acceptance,” she told him.
“I am reconsidering it,” he murmured.
“Was it not up to your standards, Joseph?” she asked, sounding slightly annoyed. This time, his lips most definitely twitched.
“There was certainly room for improvement.”
“That is too bad. I have apologized, and that is all you will receive from me.” She stood stiffly. “If you do not wish to accept it, then I suppose there is nothing I can do about it.”
She began making her way back to the door, feeling endlessly frustrated at both herself and him.
This wasn’t how she’d expected this conversation to go.
She thought she would be able to apologize, he would accept, and things would go back to normal.
That they would be able to talk with each other with the same ease they had before.
But she was so on edge that she couldn’t quite tell if he was serious, and she wasn’t interested in sticking around to figure it out.
“There is one thing.”
Pure curiosity is what stopped her halfway to the door. “And what is that?”
Joseph pushed himself to stand, slowly making his way to her. He came closer than she expected him to. Catriona held her breath, her heart stopping in her chest when Joseph brushed her arm with his hand.
“Come with me.”
And then he was moving past her, leaving the room, leaving her staring after him and wondering if she had imagined the tension smoldering between them.
She followed when she came back to herself.
Joseph had slowed his pace enough for her to catch up to him.
She considered asking him where they were going, but she had a feeling he would only be vague until they arrived, so she said nothing, walking one step behind him so that she could get herself together in peace.
The situation was dire, she realized. More and more, this was feeling less and less like a stoic marriage and more like something she’d never allowed herself to imagine.
She didn’t dare do so now, didn’t dare let her mind wander to what could have been if the walls between them crumbled. It was easier said than done, however.
Joseph led her all the way out to the gardens. Catriona didn’t realize where they might be going until they were almost there.
“What do you want to show me?” she asked, getting a little nervous now. They were getting closer to her little secret with Dorothea.
“I’m sure you must have picked up on it by now,” he drawled without looking back at her. “You are smarter than that.”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Catriona murmured. But she did know. They’d been caught.
Joseph came to stop in front of the small square of turned earth then faced her with a raised brow in question. Catriona only matched it.
“Yes?” she asked.
“Do you care to explain?”
“Not particularly, no.”
His lips widened into a wan, mirthless smile. “It seems to me like you have been rather busy. And seeing that you’d asked for one hour a day, I thought that this was what you were doing during that time.”
“I am free to do whatever I wish, am I not?” she asked with a tilt of her head.
“Certainly,” he answered with far too much cheeriness which only raised her defenses. “But not when such activities include Dorothea.”
Catriona gave herself a moment to think of a valid excuse but then decided that the truth would be the best option. “I thought it would be a good way of bonding with her. And Dorothea seems to enjoy it which is all that matters at the end of the day, isn’t it?”
“The last thing I want is for her to pick up any bad habits that would not be deemed proper for a lady of her stature.”
“Oh my, I didn’t think gardening was such a sin, Joseph. How could you even stand to look at me?”
Her blatant sarcasm didn’t appear to anger him the way she thought it would have. He only regarded her silently for a moment before saying, “You can do whatever you wish with your hour, and if you wish to sit in the sun and the earth and dirty your hands then by all means.”
“You haven’t even asked what we were planting here,” she pointed out.
“Does it matter?”
“To Dorothea, yes.”
“Fine, then,” he conceded with a sigh. “What were you two planting?”
“It’s a secret,” she told him with a smile before she turned and walked away. The groan he let out behind her made her laugh.
“At this rate, I think you are purposely trying to upset me.”
“Oh, no, Joseph, I would never do such a thing,” Catriona protested with far too much emphasis which only made him narrow his eyes at her and her laugh. “Why don’t you ask Dorothea yourself if you are so curious?”
“You have left me no choice, it seems.” He sighed. Then, after a few seconds of them walking in silence he said, “It is I who should apologize.”
Catriona frowned at him. “For what?”
“I should not have been curt with you. Though that topic is certainly not one I wish to explore, I should have given a far kinder response. You deserved that after all you have done for me. And I do not think I thanked you for caring for me during my sudden illness. God only knows how much worse it could have been if you hadn’t been there. ”
“I only did what anyone else would have had they been in the same position.”
“There are not many who would stay up for two nights nursing their cold, standoffish husband through their fever.”
“Oh, so you are aware that you’re cold and standoffish? That’s good to know.”
He took her hand suddenly, and her knees nearly buckled. Somehow, she managed to face him with a decent modicum of coolness, trying not to show how much his touch affected her. He stared into her eyes, only a hairbreadth of distance between them.
“Thank you, Catriona,” he murmured softly, so close she could feel the brush of his breath against her lips. “You have my sincerest gratitude.”
“You’re welcome, Joseph.”
He should have moved away. Catriona knew that, and she was certain that he did as well.
There was no reason for him to be this close to her, for him to hold her hand like this, for the tension smoldering between them to grow this thick.
There was no reason for his gaze to drift to her lips and for him to brush the pad of this thumb against the back of her hand in a tender motion that shattered through her walls.
But as soon as that traitorous thought crossed her mind, the one that sent a flush of heat racing throughout her body, Joseph stepped away. She watched the emotions that had been seeping through his eyes dissipate before she could decipher them. She felt cold all of a sudden.
“This reminds me,” he said before she could pull her mind away from the fog in time to think of what to say, “we have another lesson to do.”
“Now?”
“Now,” he stated with a nod. And then he gestured for her to take the lead. Catriona did just that, even though she didn’t know where she was going. She was just happy to be walking in front of him, so he wouldn’t notice the utter mortification consuming her.
The situation was certainly dire, she confirmed to herself. And if she wasn’t careful, she was at the risk of falling for the man she could never have.