Chapter 20 #2
“I did not realize you were so unsatisfied.”
“Neither did I.”
Too many unspoken words lay between them.
Catriona knew she was creating a false impression, making it seem as if she was unhappy with her circumstance.
The last thing she wanted was for him to think that she regretted her decision, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak honestly.
She couldn’t bring herself to admit that she had not realized how difficult it would be to be around him without developing feelings for him.
It was far easier on her heart to let the misunderstanding persist.
“My apologies then,” he mumbled after a long moment. “I shall do whatever I can to make it not so.”
“Don’t. There is nothing you can do.”
Thankfully, he said nothing to that. She didn’t think she could deal with having this conversation for much longer.
They arrived at Lady Blimington’s manor ten minutes later.
Ever the gentleman, Joseph helped her out of the carriage and kept her on his arm as they went inside.
It was the first event they were attending as Duke and Duchess of Irvin, and all eyes were on them, but for some reason, Catriona didn’t feel that usual bout of nervousness when she was suddenly the center of attention.
She didn’t know if she’d simply gotten used to it or if it was because she had other things on her mind, but she was grateful for it.
At least, she didn’t have to worry about putting on an act if Joseph suggested that they leave again.
“Your Graces!” Lady Blimington chirped excitedly. “Oh, how lovely to see you both! It is quite an honor to be the first you have graced with your joint presence.”
“It is a pleasure seeing you again, My Lady,” Joseph responded politely. He placed a hand on the small of Catriona’s back, and it took everything in her not to stiffen, thrills running through her body. “Catriona and I are excited to be here.”
“As we are excited to have you.” Lady Blimington was having a hard time keeping her attention on Joseph. She kept glancing at Catriona as if fighting the urge to study her up close.
Joseph must have sensed the same thing because then he said, “Please, excuse us. There is someone we’d like to greet.”
“Oh, but—”
He was guiding Catriona away from her before she could finish. It took all her strength not to step away from him. Being so close only made it harder for her to focus.
“She seems nice,” she murmured.
“On the surface, perhaps, but she is one of the biggest gossips in London.”
“I do not think there is much for her to gossip about regarding us.”
“Not if we escape any conversation with her before she sinks her teeth into something.” He dipped his head closer to her ear. “And not if you keep stiffening next to me.”
“I have just the solution for that.” She stepped away completely, heart hammering against her chest as she made haste for the refreshments table as calmly as she could. She was too aware of the fact that he was on her heels, hounding her.
“Catriona,” he said once she finally came to a stop.
She didn’t look at him. She was suddenly too hot, her clothes far too restricting. She pretended as if she was perusing the options laden across the refreshments table even though she couldn’t focus on any of them. “What is it?”
Catriona could sense the tension in him, as if his agitation had branched off him and was reaching its spindly fingers out to her. “Don’t do this.”
Catriona picked up a glass of lemonade. She didn’t know how she found the courage to face him, how she managed to keep her voice leveled and her expression calm as she met his eyes and said, “Actually, Joseph, I am doing exactly what you always wanted of me. Now, please excuse me.”
She walked off without a single idea where she was going. Thankfully, she spotted her sisters standing on the other side of the ballroom. Relief flooded her as she made haste for them, and the smile she offered them was forced in the light of their excitement.
“Cat!” Ava exclaimed, far too loudly considering where they were. “I thought you would never arrive.” She approached for an embrace, then paused, frowning. “What’s wrong?”
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
Maisie was suddenly on her other end, frowning worriedly. “You look upset. You’re grinding your teeth, and we could always tell that you’re trying not to be upset when you start grinding your teeth.”
“Oh, nonsense,” she said dismissively with a forced laugh, one she was certain her sisters saw right through. “I am quite fine, I assure you.”
Ava and Maisie shared looks of incredulity.
Eager to change the topic, Catriona asked, “Where is Uncle Frederic?”
“We don’t know,” Maisie answered. “He disappeared almost instantly upon our arrival. I would not be surprised if he is hiding in a parlor or library somewhere.”
“Where is His Grace?” Ava asked before Catriona could answer.
“Somewhere,” she answered in an offhanded manner. Only after did she realize that her answer might have only made them more suspicious of her, so she quickly tried to change the topic again. “So, Ava, where is your gentleman?”
To Catriona’s surprise, Ava only rolled her eyes, rather than blushed like she usually did. “I believe my gentleman is currently trying to gain favor with the Marquess of Harroway so that he may marry her daughter.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Maisie linked arms with Catriona with a sigh. She gestured discreetly with her fan, showing Lord Wentworth laughing with an older gentleman just a few paces away. Catriona immediately recognized Belinda, the dark-haired lady who had tried to torment her with Cassandra before her marriage to Joseph.
“It appears he does not have interest in Ava any longer,” Maisie murmured sadly.
“And I daenae—” Ava broke off, squaring her shoulders. “I don’t care. It only means that his apparent love was false all along.”
“Oh, Ava.” Catriona wasn’t fooled by her sister’s nonchalance. She took her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to be,” Ava told her. “I was never in love with Lord Wentworth. And there is enough time in the season to find another worth my time.”
“That’s the spirit!” Maisie chirped. “What about him?”
Again she gestured with her fan at a gentleman across the room, dangerously close to where Catriona had left Joseph. She didn’t dare look that way.
“What about him?” Ava asked.
“Don’t you think he is rather adorable? Perhaps we could have Catriona arrange an introduction.”
“I’m afraid I do not know him,” Catriona guessed though she was fairly certain that she didn’t. She didn’t know anyone in London. As Duchess of Irvin, she supposed that was something she would have to remedy soon.
“Then we can ask His Grace to introduce us,” Maisie suggested instead. “I’m sure he would not mind, would he?”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t,” Catriona murmured.
Silence met her words. Catriona could feel the weight of their eyes, felt the heavy dawning realization that her answer had only made them more suspicious of her mood. She prayed they wouldn’t question her.
“Your Grace.”
Catriona turned away from her sisters just a little, blood roaring in her ears, knowing exactly who Ava had just greeted. She’d hoped that he would follow her, a tiny piece of her heart wishing that he would chase her just a little bit. Now, she wished he had just left her alone.
She didn’t know if he acknowledged Ava in any way. All she heard was, “Catriona.”
“What is it?” she asked in a mild tone, at odds with the apprehension coiling around her chest.
“Would you like to dance with me?”
She had no reason to decline him. She didn’t want to decline him. But she also knew that accepting his request would only make things worse. It only make her fall harder, even though she knew how stupid it was.
But he didn’t give her the chance to respond.
He simply took her hand and began guiding her towards the center of the ballroom.
Even though she knew others were watching them go past, that whispers followed in their wake, Catriona could only focus on him.
On his broad back, the curling hair at the nape of his neck, and the intensity of his storm-blue eyes when he turned and pulled her into his arms.
“I do not like it when we fight,” he murmured at her ear. Her knees nearly buckled, and she was suddenly grateful he decided to have this conversation while supporting her body.
“I was not aware that we were fighting.”
“It feels that way. It feels like you’re upset with me.”
She was tempted to continue playing that game of indifference, but she lost the will all too soon, so she braved looking up at him instead, meeting his eyes. “Will it always be like this, Joseph? Am I to expect that every time we grow a little closer, every time you open up to me, you pull away?”
“I am not pulling away,” he protested softly.
But she shook her head. “You are. You know it.”
His brows dipped slightly. Conflict shadowed his eyes as he searched hers.
Catriona didn’t look away. She hardly paid attention to her steps, to the fact that they were twirling about in a waltz, pressed against each other in a manner that was only proper between a married couple.
Her only focus was on what he was going to say next.
“You always knew what this was, Catriona.”
Disappointment, hurt, and shame came crashing down on her in thunderous waves.
She blinked against the force of tears that rushed to her eyes, and then she looked away when she found herself losing the fight.
It took a moment to compose herself, to force back the pain that wrapped around her heart so securely, she thought she would never find herself again.
At that moment, she knew. She’d always suspected, but now, she was certain.
She was in love with him.
And he could never, would never, love her.
“I know,” she managed to say without her voice cracking. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, but she would at least get her next words out without breaking into a thousand pieces. “I know. But I do not think I can bear it.”
The end of the dance could not have come at a better time.
Catriona eagerly pulled away from him, barely dipping into the barest of curtsies before she slipped away.
She heard him call her name, but she didn’t stop, didn’t see the faces of onlookers past the blur of tears in her eyes.
She headed straight for the closest door, grateful to find that it was an empty parlor, went to the furthest chair she could find, and then cried until she had nothing left in her.