Chapter 20
Staying awake late at night had become the norm for Joseph.
At first it was because he needed the extra hours at the end of the day to keep working, the silence of the night comforting in a manner that the daytime could not bring him.
He often left his office exhausted which made falling asleep easier since he couldn’t deal with his memories creeping up on him.
Now, he stayed awake because he was haunted by newer memories. Ones that kept him from his work.
He shoved his hands into his pockets, frustrated with himself.
It had been hours since the picnic with Catriona and Dorothea, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he’d done.
He’d broken his rule. He’d allowed himself to give in to his urges, and now, he had made quite the mess of things.
How could he possibly face Catriona now? How could he, when he could hardly face himself?
As he drifted along in the garden, he thought of how often he saw her walking this very same path and how many times he’d wanted to drop everything to go be with her.
He thought of that little patch in the garden that Dorothea still believed was a secret, and a betraying warmth spread throughout his chest.
When he looked ahead, he thought he could almost see Catriona sitting under one of the gazebo, face tilted up to the sky.
This is getting out of hand. Now I’m seeing things.
He shook his head as if to clear the image from his mind and continued along his walk, but when he looked up again, there she was once more. But this time, the mirage was staring at him.
“Joseph?”
The mirage had a voice. Which meant…
His heartbeat picked up the pace. Joseph kept himself still for a moment, wondering if he had willed her to be here without realizing it. She didn’t move from where she sat, only looking at him with as much stillness as he looked at her.
Then she turned her head, looking back up at the sky.
He managed to uproot his feet from the ground, going to the gazebo even though he knew better. It was safer to turn around right now and leave her be. He could face her when he had a clearer head. But his heart won the fight.
“I didn’t know you were one for late night strolls through the garden,” she murmured softly without looking at him.
“I’m not,” he admitted. “Not usually.”
“Then there must be something on your mind.” She spoke matter-of-factly with just a hint of resignation. “I wonder if it is the same thing that is on mine.”
He was willing to bet everything he owned that it was.
He was tempted to go closer to her, but he thought better of it.
It was better to keep his distance so that the spell that she always seemed to put him under did not take effect.
But with the way she gazed up at the sky, that moonlit glow on her cheeks and twinkle in her eyes, he wasn’t quite confident in his plan.
“Joseph, I… I would just like to say that I…”
He held his breath. “That you what?”
Catriona glanced uncertainly at him then shook her head. “It’s no matter.”
“I’m sure it is, or you wouldn’t be hesitating so often.”
“I’m hesitating because I’m unsure of whether I should say what I am thinking when I am certain I already know the answer.”
“The answer to what?”
She caught his gaze. “To us.”
Joseph said nothing. A dozen and one things raced through his head at once, but none of them were appropriate, and all of them were at odds with one another.
He knew what he should say, but it warred with what he wanted to say.
He knew how he should be acting, the boundaries he should be reestablishing, but he hesitated still.
This was for Dorothea, he reminded himself.
This was for the future of the family and the dukedom.
He could not allow himself to love because he didn’t know how to love.
He hardly knew how to care for his own daughter, even though he loved her dearly.
Letting this fondness for Catriona grow into something it shouldn’t was only a recipe for disaster.
Worse, he was only going to hurt her. He couldn’t love Hannah, and he’d spent years wondering if that was what had brought her to the brink.
He’d spent years blaming himself, wondering if he should have done more.
The last thing he wanted was for the same thing to happen to Catriona.
He didn’t want to be a disease in her life, eating away at her will to live.
Even now, she looked sad, even though there was a faint smile playing at her lips.
“I thought as much,” she murmured. “Now, I completely understand you, Joseph.”
She didn’t. She couldn’t understand him. He hardly did himself.
Catriona stood. Joseph watched her as she swallowed slowly, brushing her hands lightly against the front of her dress. He could see her slowly piecing herself back together, and if there had been any hint of tears before, they were gone when she turned to him.
“Goodnight, Joseph.”
She started to walk by him. He acted without thinking.
He caught her wrist, forcing her to stop. Catriona waited a beat before she looked him in the eye. For a moment, he saw a hint of hope, of question. But still, he could say nothing. His throat clogged with all the words he could not quite get out.
That smidgen of hope fizzled out quickly. She gently pried her wrist from his grip and walked away.
Joseph watched her go, unease coiling in the pit of this stomach. The further she went, the more it felt as if he was making a terrible mistake. He just didn’t know what.
The next few days felt like torture for Catriona. She had to pretend she was fine, pretend as if she wasn’t looking for Joseph around every corner and in every room. She acted as if their moment that night in the gardens hadn’t been akin to a spiny vine wrapping around her heart and squeezing.
She was developing feelings for him. She might even… she might even love him.
But she wouldn’t allow herself to explore those emotions any further because it would only end in heartbreak.
His silence had said as much that night.
That kiss they’d shared had meant nothing to him.
He’d been vulnerable, caught up in the moment, and did it without thinking.
The more she told herself that, the more she would believe it. Eventually.
For now, she decided to stop hoping to see him and to avoid him altogether. But she knew that tonight, a mere four days after they kissed, she would have no chance of that.
Because they were meant to attend a ball together.
She sat as still as a lamppost at her vanity table.
It had been hours already since she’d started getting ready, thirty minutes since she was finished, but she couldn’t bring herself to get up.
She knew eventually that Joseph would grow tired of waiting and come and fetch her himself. Was that what she was hoping for?
“Cat, you silly girl,” she chastised herself softly, “he is more likely to leave without you than come to get you himself. Take your head out of the clouds.”
Talking to herself like that helped, even if it didn’t make swallowing the truth any easier.
She got to her feet, ignoring the tremor of trepidation ricocheting throughout her bones as she made her way to the door of her bedchamber. She opened the door, halting to the sight of Joseph standing on the other end, fist raised and poised to knock.
“Oh. You’re ready.” He lowered his hand. “I was coming to see how much longer you would be.”
She didn’t trust herself to speak, so she said nothing. She didn’t think herself strong enough to look away either, so she stared at him.
A few seconds of tense silence persisted between them. Joseph stared back at her as if he had a million things he wished to say but couldn’t. She hated that. She didn’t think she would like any of it.
“Let us go then,” she suggested at last, her voice far softer than she’d wanted it to be.
He nodded then briskly turned and walked away.
Catriona followed behind, noting the fact that, even though his pace was faster than hers, he was keeping close to her, as if he did not want to get too far ahead.
Catriona hated that simple act of consideration.
How did he expect her not to grow feelings for him when he made her hope like that?
Thankfully, he remained quiet all the way to the carriage.
Catriona hoped he would enter on his own, leaving her to her own devices, but he was a gentleman to the very end.
He opened the door for her and even took her gloved hand, sending a thrill through her body as she climbed in.
She didn’t dare to look at him and prayed desperately that the blush she could feel creeping up her neck was not visible.
Then he was in the carriage, and they were off. The silence was choking her. But she had no intention of breaking it first.
“How was your day?”
Her heart skipped a beat at the question. She didn’t dare look at him though every muscle in her body wanted to.
“It was fine.”
“Good. Good.” More silence. She thought he was done but then, “We don’t have to stay at for long. I know you do not like balls very much.”
This time, she lost the mental battle and glanced at him, heart stopping in her chest when she saw that he was already looking at her. “You don’t have to do that.”
“The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable.”
“I think it is a bit too late for that.”
The words slipped out before she could stop them. Catriona looked away, wishing she could take them back.
“Lady Blimington has been hounding me for some time to attend one of her events. Once we give her our greetings and do our rounds, we may leave. I’m sure I can come up with a valid excuse.”
Catriona thinned her lips. Though she stared out the window, she saw nothing but the red of her irritation infringing on her vision. “I would like to stay.”
“You would?” Surprise was evident in his voice.
“Yes. It would be a welcomed change from the humdrum of my days.”