Chapter 19
“Ithink she’s tired herself out.”
Catriona glanced up from the book she’d spent the last twenty minutes trying to focus on, looking over at Joseph.
It was hard trying to read when he sat so close to her, when she could feel the warmth of his body and smell the musk of his cologne.
Every ounce of her wanted to lean into him, if only to feel his touch.
She yearned for something she’d never truly experience, something she could not stop imagining ever since the day they were married.
He didn’t notice her looking at him, his attention on the little girl trudging wearily over to them.
Dorothea had indeed done everything she’d set out to do for the day.
She searched for flowers, she showed off the tricks she’d taught Nina—which only happened to be getting Nina to nod her head—and she even got permission from Joseph to splash around in the shallowest part of the water.
Now she was mostly dry and making her way with obvious exhaustion burdening in her shoulders.
She stopped at the blanket and yawned, barely remembering to cover her mouth at the very last moment. “Daddy…”
“Come here.”
The immediate gentle command surprised Catriona.
Joseph had shed that layer of discomfort over the past couple of hours, and when he opened his arms to his daughter, it seemed to be the most natural thing in the world for him.
One would never have thought that he was unused to being so affectionate with his daughter.
Dorothea didn’t waste a moment. She slinked into his arms, resting her head against his chest and sighing heavily.
“It seems it’s time for us to depart,” Catriona said, closing her book.
This was good. Being alone with Joseph while Dorothea enjoyed herself had made her far too comfortable.
Comfortable enough to ask him the things she’d always wanted to know.
Comfortable enough to want to inch closer to him, to rest her head in his lap.
Comfortable enough to let herself explore the range of feelings she’d been trying to suppress, feelings she knew she should never harbor for the man who made it clear he could never love her.
Dorothea’s exhaustion honestly couldn’t come at a better time.
She put the book aside, ready to begin packing up what was left of the food, but then Dorothea murmured, “No, not yet.”
“Not yet?” Joseph questioned.
“I’m not ready for this to end yet.” She tilted her head to look up at her father then at Catriona. Catriona’s heart nearly exploded from her chest at the sight. Dorothea looked at her as if she needed her approval just as much as she needed her father’s. “Can’t we stay a bit longer? Please?”
Joseph rested a hand on Dorothea’s head. He looked at Catriona. “What do you think?”
“Me?” Catriona asked, eyes widening slightly.
Joseph nodded, as if his question was not alarming in the slightest. As if it was perfectly normal for her opinion to matter.
She blinked rapidly, forcing back the tears that came rushing to her eyes. “I think we can stay a bit longer. The sun won’t be setting for another hour or so after all.”
“Well, then there you have it,” Joseph said, turning his attention back to his daughter as he stroked her hair.
Dorothea smiled. Her eyelids dipped sleepily. She shifted from his lap, lying on her side and resting her head in her father’s lap. “This is the happiest day of my life,” she murmured.
There was no holding back the tears after that. Catriona simply had to look away because they ran unhindered down her cheeks, a sob forcing its way out.
“Are you all right?”
She didn’t dare turn at Joseph’s question. She shook her head, forcing herself to get it together. “I… will be.”
There were a few seconds of silence and then, “This is all thanks to you, Catriona.”
She swallowed, forcing back the sob, drying her cheeks. When she faced Joseph again, she felt much more normal. “I only made the suggestion that you come with us. It is you who made this such a wonderful day for her.”
“And I could not have managed it without you. I’m not used to anything like this.
” He continued stroking her hair, gazing down at Dorothea who was already fast asleep.
“I did not grow up in a loving family. My father was not an abusive man, but he certainly was not warm-hearted. Neither was my mother. They simply raised me expecting the very best from me at all times. There was no room for failure in my household.”
“You cannot blame yourself. You only understood one way to raise a family.”
Joseph nodded. He swallowed thickly, and Catriona could almost swear that he was on the verge of tears as well. “Dorothea didn’t stand a chance. I’d hoped that her mother would be the change—that she would be a comforting presence in Dorothea’s life since I didn’t know how to.”
She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She was on the cusp of learning something she’d always wanted to know, but she didn’t want to push him.
“Is it because she passed away when Dorothea was quite young?” Catriona asked gently.
Joseph huffed a mirthless laugh. “If only it were that simple. How I wish I could say that that was it. But Dorothea hasn’t known her mother’s love from the very moment she was born.”
Catriona’s blood ran cold at the insinuation. “I don’t understand…”
Joseph stopped stroking Dorothea’s hair, leaning back on his hands to look up at the sky. “She grew sad. It was simple and sudden and heartbreaking. She was never capable of loving Dorothea because she could not love anything in that state.”
Catriona couldn’t bring herself to say anything after that. Realization and horror washed her in sweat.
Joseph didn’t need her response, however.
He was lost in the sad memories. “I don’t know what caused it.
I refused to believe that it was Dorothea because she’d always wanted to be a mother.
But I couldn’t ignore the fact that it happened right after Dorothea’s birth.
One moment she was her usual self, full of laughter with a zest for life, and the next, she hardly left her bed, hardly ate, hardly laughed, hardly spoke. She only cried and slept.
“Joseph, I’m… I’m so sorry."
“I never loved her, you know.” He looked at her, and the shadow of pain in his eyes hit Catriona square in her chest. “But I think she loved me. I thought that, because of that, I would be able to help her get out of her melancholy. It’s why I filled the house with roses—because they were her favorite flowers.
It’s why I spent so much time by her side, hoping she would notice that I was there.
That I cared, even if I could not give my heart to her.
But it was not enough. Neither I nor Dorothea was enough. ”
She licked her lips, hating the question she was about to ask but needing to know. “Is that how she passed away?”
Slowly, he nodded. “One day, I managed to get her out of her room, and I brought her down to the creek near our castle in Scotland. I thought it would help her. She always liked the water after all. But all she did was try to drown herself when I was not looking.”
Catriona covered her mouth, but it wasn’t enough to stop her gasp. That explained why he was so afraid of Dorothea going near the river.
“I locked her in her room after that, not trusting her to leave. Not until I knew she’d at least gotten a little better. Not for a second did I think she would be able to harm herself in there. But… she found a way. She drank an entire bottle of laudanum.”
“Oh, Joseph. I’m…” She couldn’t find the right words. She could hardly find the strength to speak with tears clogging her throat.
Joseph returned her attention to Dorothea, who was still blissful asleep during all of this.
“To this day, I don’t know how she got her hands on it.
It’s a mystery I was never able to solve, one I left in Scotland.
I moved here, determined to raise Dorothea away from all the pain she could not understand.
I thought coming to London would be better for her, but all I did was neglect her the way my father neglected me. ”
She didn’t let herself think twice about what she did next. She took his hand, interlacing her fingers with his. It made him look at her as she leaned closer, his eyes widening slightly.
“What matters now is that you know better,” she told him. “Dorothea is still young. There’s still time to do better.”
He searched her face with a rawness she’d never thought she’d witness on him. It felt as if he’d torn open the seams of the wounds he’d sutured close just for her to see his raw and bleeding heart.
“What if I make a mistake? What if I do or say something that will ruin her forever?”
She smiled gently. “And that’s why you have me.”
She meant it as a jest, hoping to lighten his mood just a bit. But his lips stayed in a straight line, his eyes fixed on her.
For one quick moment, his eyes dipped to her lips. Catriona hardly had the chance to think about what he was going to do before he dipped his head towards her.
It was nothing like the first time they’d kissed.
During their wedding, she knew it would happen, a formality that they decided not to avoid but a formality all the same.
Even though it had rocked her to her core, had shaken her values and opened up her mind to possibilities she’d never allowed herself to consider, Catriona had always understood the truth of it.
This time, she felt the rawness of his emotions, a gentleness that spoke of something she didn’t dare hope for.
Yet he leaned in, his lips molding perfectly against hers, almost desperate for her.
She was frozen against him, but he didn’t pull away.
He only slid his hand up her arm to cup her cheek.
One brush of his thumb and she was gone.
Just as she relaxed, easing into his touch, he pulled away. But his hand remained on her cheek, his eyes tendered as he regarded her.
She didn’t know what to say. She was afraid to break the silence, dread swarming her insides. He was going to pull away, she knew. He was going to come his senses, and he was going to regret giving into his more basic desires.
He said nothing. He only stared at her. As if he was waiting for her to speak first.
Catriona cleared her throat, far too aware of the fact that her face was as hot as the sun and probably showing it. “I, well—we can… we should probably… uh, bring Dorothea home.”
Joseph said nothing for a moment then he nodded. “We should.”
She couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
Her heart still raced in her chest as she scrambled to her feet and busied herself by packing everything up.
Joseph stood slowly, lifting Dorothea’s listless body in his arms. She slept like the dead, her arms hanging below her.
He stood there, saying nothing until Catriona had gathered everything.
She still didn’t look at him as she took the lead, far too aware of him trailing quietly behind her.
She wouldn’t allow herself to think about what had just happened until she was alone, until she was safe to process her thoughts. For now, Catriona focused completely on getting to the house without doing or saying something foolish.
Once they were back in the manor, Joseph stopped her to say, “I will bring Dorothea to her chambers.”
“Yes, and I shall take this to the kitchen.”
“I’m sure a maid can—”
“It’s fine. I can do it myself.” She didn’t wait for him to protest again before racing away, heart ramming against her chest. She didn’t bother going to the kitchen.
She met the butler on the way there, handed everything over to him, and made haste to her bedchamber where she hoped to come to terms with the fact that her entire world was now tilted on its axis.