Chapter 18 #2
Only then did she move away from the door. She discarded her robe and climbed into bed, staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t fall asleep until an hour later because her mind was filled with too many possibilities tomorrow might bring, each more fanciful than the last.
Joseph wondered if he should send for the painter and have him immortalize this moment forever. Dorothea was an adorable little girl, and she would clearly grow up to have her mother’s beauty one day. But right now, she’d never look more perfect.
And it was all because of Catriona.
Catriona stood to the side of the drawing room, and Joseph didn’t have to look at her to know that she was wearing a broad, pleased smile.
He would have, but his attention was fixed on his daughter, who was staring at him with the widest eyes and an open mouth.
Any other time, he would have snapped at her, reminding her that a lady would never make such an expression.
But in that moment, Dorothea was not a budding lady but just a little girl. A little girl who was utterly struck dumb at the sight of her father standing in the drawing room at this hour.
“What is it?” he asked, glancing down at himself. “Should I have worn something a little more casual?”
Dorothea’s mouth snapped shut. For a few seconds, she stood there, gripping the side of her lovely little dress, hands shaking.
And then her bottom lip began to shake. Before Joseph could understand what was happening, she launched herself across the room, throwing her arms around his legs with a sob.
Joseph shot a horrified look in Catriona’s direction, but Catriona still smiled at them as if she couldn’t be happier at what she was witnessing. She approached as Joseph lowered himself to crouch, enveloping Dorothea into his arms.
“She didn’t believe me when I told her that you were coming with us to our picnic by the river today,” Catriona explained. “I think she’s just a little surprised.”
“She’s crying,” Joseph whispered, as if Dorothea would not be able to hear him.
Catriona nodded, tilting her head to the side. “Yes, she is. I suppose she is simply overwhelmed by your presence.”
Joseph could say the same. He felt a traitorous lump in his throat as he slowly pulled away from his daughter. He wiped Dorothea’s tear-streaked face. “Don’t tell me you were hoping to have Catriona all to yourself?” he said to her.
Dorothea shook her head, her bottom lip still wobbling. “Will you truly come with us?”
“If that is what you wish.”
She was already nodding her head so energetically, Joseph wouldn’t be surprised if she gave herself a headache. “If you come with us, then I could show you the tricks I was teaching Nina last night. She’s really quick at learning. Isn’t that right, Nina?”
Joseph hadn’t even noticed the cocker spaniel napping in the other corner of the room, but he wasn’t at all surprised when she got to her feet and lumbered over to where Dorothea stood. She nudged her wet nose into Dorothea’s side, making her giggle.
“I think that is a yes,” Joseph commented. “I look forward to seeing them.” He brushed her chin tenderly before rising. “Shall we go then?”
Catriona nodded. “Yes, let us.”
Dorothea was all smiles now, skipping out of the drawing room with Nina on her heels.
Joseph caught himself smiling after her.
and when he looked at Catriona, he saw her doing the same.
She was unaware of his gentle scrutiny, eyes shining with such love that he couldn’t believe that she hadn’t even known of Dorothea a few weeks prior.
One look at her and one would think that she had birthed Dorothea herself.
She could be the mother Dorothea never had the chance to have. She could do what Hannah had never been able to do…
A pang hit his chest at the thought, and that traitorous lump in his throat seemed to double in size.
“Joseph?” He felt her hand on his arm. He hadn’t even noticed that she’d moved to his side. “What’s the matter?”
He was already shaking his head. There was no use telling her anything now.
No use bringing up old wounds he’d spent years trying to bury.
Catriona wasn’t here to replace Hannah as Dorothea’s mother, after all.
She was only to be his wife and a positive influence on Dorothea. That was all he needed.
That was all he thought he needed. Now, he wasn’t so certain he was on the right track.
“I’m all right,” he said when he realized he’d let too much time pass after her question. He was only worrying her further, and he didn’t think he could deal with the questions right now. Not when today was supposed to be a positive one.
But she did not seem convinced. “Are you certain?”
“Well, I am concerned that Dorothea is getting too far ahead of us while we linger here.”
Catriona moved her hand. He suddenly felt odd without her comforting touch. “You needn’t worry. She has Nina with her.”
Joseph couldn’t help raising a brow at that. “And what good is a dog going to do?”
“Nina is quite smart as you should be able to tell. She won’t let anything happen to her.”
Joseph only gave her an incredulous look which made Catriona laugh. The sound easily cleared the dark clouds that had been gathering over his head at the memory of Hannah. “All right, I suppose we should get moving. Dorothea is probably waiting for us.”
Dorothea was indeed waiting for them in the garden though she seemed quite entertained chasing Nina around. Both girl and dog took notice of them then rushed on ahead, leaving Joseph and Catriona trailing after them.
“Don’t go too far ahead!” Joseph shouted after her.
“Yes, Daddy!” Dorothea shouted back, slowing her pace just a little, but it was clear that she was overcome with joy and excitement, and Nina spurred it on, prancing around Dorothea with energy Joseph had never witnessed in the dog.
“I think I should warn you, Joseph,” Catriona said as they neared the river, “Dorothea is going to ask you for a dog of her own. And before you say—”
“The answer is no.”
She sighed. “Before you say no, perhaps you should consider that it might be good for her.”
“How would a dog be good for her?” he asked incredulously.
She gave him a look he couldn’t decipher before she began to lay out the blanket she’d brought with her.
Joseph helped by ensuring the blanket stayed pinned down, but he didn’t take his eyes off her.
He realized he couldn’t. She seemed to glow under his attention, a faint flush on her cheeks and a sparkle in her beautiful green eyes.
God, she was utterly beautiful.
“… and when I received mine, it made me far less… Joseph, are you listening to me?”
Joseph blinked, lifting his gaze from her lips to her eyes. He’d been caught staring, and for some reason, he didn’t particularly mind. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
She thinned her lips in annoyance. All that did was draw his attention back to them.
Last night, he’d barely held back from claiming them, overcome with such insatiable need that he felt like he hardly knew himself in that moment.
He blamed it on the late hour, the candlelit room, the fact that they had stood so close, and he’d been vulnerable to her in a manner that he’d never allowed himself to be with anyone else before.
But what was his excuse now? Why was he so taken by his longing when he should be focused on other things?
“I said…” she went on, sounding slightly frustrated.
Joseph pulled himself from his reverie, reminding himself to listen this time.
“… my father gifted Nina to me when I turned twenty years old, and she has been faithfully by my side since then. She’s the best gift I have ever received.
And it is clear that Dorothea adores dogs, so I see no reason not to. ”
“Dorothea has no reason for a dog.”
“Many do not, but they do make lovely companions. Haven’t you ever had a pet?”
“No, I haven’t.”
Catriona seemed surprised by that. She paused in the middle of pouring herself a cup of lemonade. “Not even one?”
“You sound surprised by that.”
“Well, I thought it was very common for families. Though I suppose that might just be in Scotland. Every castle nearby had a few dogs milling about.”
“And Scotland is your basis for most of your generalizations?”
She nodded. “I had no reason to leave Scotland before my father passed away. And when I came to London, I tended to stay indoors.”
“What of your mother?” he asked without thinking.
Catriona looked away as she poured another cup of lemonade. This one, she handed to him. “She passed away when I was quite young. I did not know her very well. Ava and Maisie even less so.”
The thread of sadness could not be missed though. She might not have known her mother very well, but she certainly missed her.
Joseph was tempted to take her hand, and that urge scared the hell out of him.
“That’s why I am the way that I am,” she went on a much chirper note, obviously forced. “I thought myself their mother rather than their elder sister, even though we are not that far apart in age. And now that they’ve grown, it somehow feels as if I am lacking in purpose.”
“Have you…” He stopped himself before he could ask the insanely invasive, inappropriate question.
But then Catriona looked at him, and he felt his resistance crumble. “Have I what?”
“Have you thought of having a family of your own?”
He knew it was an unfair question to ask, given the situation she was in. He’d never promised her a child, after all. And Joseph, despite his position as a duke, had never thought of having another.
But now, as he pictured Catriona nursing a young babe, teaching a toddler to walk, celebrating the small, mundane milestones as they grew, he wondered if he wanted the same for himself.
“I have thought about it,” she admitted after a moment. “But I never allowed myself to truly consider a path I would never be able to go down.”
Joseph tore his eyes away from Catriona, as if that would enough to chase away that feeling of discomfort brewing in his chest, fixing them on Dorothea instead. His heart skipped a beat when he saw her bent by the riverbank, her hand in the water.
“Dorothea,” he called in warning.
“She’s fine,” Catriona chimed in. “She adores water. She won’t fall in.”
“She already did once. Who’s to say that she won’t again?”
“Me,” Catriona said simply.
He gave her a look, and she only smiled confidently at him.
“Daddy!” Dorothea came running up to them, gripping a bunch of dandelions in her hand. “Look at these! Aren’t they pretty?”
Joseph studied the drooping weeds in her hand with a tiny frown. “Do you know what those are?”
“Flowers.” Dorothea’s smile slipped with uncertainty. “Don’t you like them?”
“I think they are lovely, Dorothea,” Catriona chimed in. “Are these your favorite flowers for today?”
Dorothea nodded. “I think so.” Then she turned her attention back to Joseph, eyes seeped with hope. “Don’t you like them, Daddy? I know they aren’t as pretty as roses, but maybe we could take a few back to the manor?”
His heart twisted in his chest. Dorothea truly thought that the rose was his favorite flower. She didn’t know the reason he’d always had them around, didn’t know the length he’d gone to to keep her mother alive.
What wouldn’t he do to keep that innocence, if only for a short while longer?
He’d always known her to be an observant and intelligent little girl, but there was still so much she didn’t know, so much he wanted to protect her from.
But how could he do that when he was absent so much of the time?
How could he have possibly thought that he was doing his best to fill the void in her life while creating another?
He didn’t have a clue how he was going to do better. He didn’t know how to change. But he understood that he was being presented with an opportunity he couldn’t allow to slip him by.
“I think they’re beautiful,” he told her, and the smile that stretched across her face could have warmed all of England in the middle of winter. “Do you know what they’re called?”
Dorothea shook her head.
“Dandelions,” he told her. “They are known as outcasts in the world of flowers, but I think that is a part of their charm, isn’t it?”
“Yes, quite!” she chirped. She pointed a finger at one of them. “They don’t have nearly as many petals as the other flowers.”
“Why don’t we find one that does? I think there should be a few around here.”
“Yes, let’s!” In her excitement, Dorothea began bouncing on her feet, grin broad and bright.
Joseph stood and took her hand in his. For some reason, he looked back at Catriona. He didn’t know why. He didn’t need her permission nor her approval to spend some alone time with his daughter. But he felt a question in his heart, one he didn’t quite understand, when he looked at her.
And to see her face lit up with such pleasure and warmth filled him with the very same.
“Do you want to come with us?” Dorothea asked her, but Catriona shook her head.
“You two go ahead,” she urged. “I will be here with my book. But don’t be too long now, or else the food will get cold.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Joseph couldn’t help but say, which earned him a giggle from Dorothea and a pretty smile from Catriona.
“Come on, Daddy!” Dorothea pushed, pulling Joseph along. He let her lead her over to the river, but when she knelt by the bank to gather more weeds, he didn’t feel any trepidation. No fear.
This was peace, he realized. And he couldn’t believe he’d gone so long without it.