Chapter 18
Catriona locked herself in her bedchamber for the rest of the day simply because she was too furious. Her anger at Joseph lasted hours, but by the time night fell, by the time she’d pushed through dinner and was preparing for bed, a lot of the anger was at herself.
She cried.
That was also why she stayed in her chambers.
Too many times, she felt the force of tears pushing to escape, and more often than not, she was useless against them.
Her heart felt as if it was splintering, and she couldn’t fathom why.
All she could think about were Joseph’s last words, and her heart splintered some more while her tears fell harder.
Catriona sat by her window, legs tucked to her chest. She’d tried to take her mind off her argument with Joseph all day, but now that it was nighttime, she let mind wander freely.
It took her to that dark place she’d almost forgotten about, reminding her about the doubt and insecurity she’d felt before.
She didn’t know if she would be a proper duchess, if she had what it took.
But not for a second had she wondered if she knew what it meant to be a proper wife. Not until now.
He regretted it. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did, shouldn’t reduce her to tears like this, but she couldn’t help it.
Without realizing it, she’d grown accustomed to her position as wife, as impersonal as it should be, yet now she wondered if she’d truly made a mistake in accepting Joseph’s proposal.
He couldn’t handle her honesty. He didn’t appreciate how much she cared about Dorothea.
How much she cared about him, even though she knew she shouldn’t.
What future could she possibly have in a house like this?
Catriona heaved a sigh, wiping at the stray tear running down her left cheek.
She got to her feet and fetched her robe and a candle.
It was late enough now that she doubted she would run into anyone.
Nina, surprisingly, was not by her side tonight.
Catriona could only assume that she was still with Dorothea.
She left her bedchamber, closing the door quietly behind herself, not wanting Joseph to hear her leaving just in case he was still awake.
She turned and nearly ran right into his chest.
His eyes bore down on her. Catriona overcame her surprise quickly, but her heartbeat steadily picked up speed the longer they stood there staring at each other.
He broke the silence first. “I was just coming to see you,” he said, sounding slightly tentative.
Catriona said nothing for a long moment, a voice in the back of her head telling her to just walk away. But while her mind said one thing, she went with her heart. “In the dark?”
“I know my way around well enough,” he told her.
Catriona said nothing in response. She counted the seconds and told herself that she would walk away if he said nothing by the time she made it to fifteen.
At eleven, he scratched the back of his head and asked, “Will you walk with me?”
Catriona didn’t hesitate to nod then hated herself a little for it. To redeem a bit of her pride, she handed the candle to Joseph and walked away. If they were going to walk, he would have to follow her lead.
He took the candle without protest and fell in step behind her.
She didn’t have a destination in mind when she left her bedchamber so as she walked, she quickly tried to think of the best place to go.
She settled on the library since she deemed it large enough for her to keep her space from him but close enough that they didn’t have to walk all the way downstairs.
Upon arriving at the library, she immediately made her way over to the closest bookshelf and pretended to look for a book.
She tried not to focus on him as he set the candle down and approached her from behind.
This was not what she’d wanted to happen.
The library was supposed to be safe space where she could think straight, knowing that she could keep one side of the room while he kept to the other.
Catriona drifted away, needing the space so that she could think a little clearer. He trailed behind.
She went further still, eyes idly scanning the bookshelf, all too aware of Joseph following behind her. At last, she turned to face him, breath hitching in her throat when she saw just how close he was.
“Why are you following me?” she demanded to know.
“I’m waiting for you to face me,” he replied.
Catriona scowled. For some reason, she felt safer hiding behind that expression. “Why? What do you want from me?”
“I… want to apologize.”
She waited.
He blinked.
She raised a brow.
Joseph swallowed.
“You are quite terrible at this,” she observed.
He released a breath he’d clearly been holding. That was what she realized that he seemed on edge. Nothing like the collected, self-assured man she knew he was.
“I have been trying to think of the right words to say to you all evening,” he confessed.
“And no matter what I come up with, I can’t think of the proper way of telling you how sorry I am for how I treated the situation earlier.
I… I don’t want you to think that of me that way.
And I didn’t mean what I said about regretting the marriage.
The truth is that I think marrying you was one of the best decisions I have ever made. ”
She didn’t dare show him how his words affected her, but her heart was doing impossible things in her chest. “You seemed rather convinced earlier.”
“I spoke out of anger,” he said, raking his fingers through his hair in obvious frustration.
“The truth is that you are someone who is willing to defend Dorothea so fiercely. I wanted an adult figure for her, someone who would be able to provide female guidance that I did not think I could give to her. But you have gone above and beyond. You’ve shown her the kind of love and tenderness that was never expected of you, simply because it is in your nature.
I could never regret marrying someone like that. ”
She accepted his words with a nod, telling herself not to let them capture her heart completely. She had to remain levelheaded if she wanted to keep herself from slipping any further down the slope she was on.
“I don’t understand why you got so angry in the first place,” she said.
Joseph moved to stand next to the bookshelf, leaning against it with his arms crossed. “I could not bear for something to happen to her. I cannot lose anyone else.”
It should have been against her better judgment to touch him, but it felt natural, as if there was no other response she could have given. She brushed his arm gently. “She was never in any danger, Joseph. I never would have allowed it.”
His gaze bore into her. “It isn’t a risk I am willing to take, Catriona.”
“But you must understand that you put her in another kind of danger by not allowing her to be a child.”
He thinned his lips. She could see the wheels turning in his head, considering her words, but then he shook his head. “It’s better this way.”
“No, it isn’t,” she insisted. “Why don’t you come with us to the river tomorrow? That way you will be able to see that she is not in any danger yourself.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? Do you fear falling into the river yourself?”
Her small jest succeeded in making his lips twitch. “You know that isn’t the case.”
“I’m not so sure, Joseph. I am beginning to wonder if you may be afraid of the water instead. If not, then you have no reason to decline the offer.”
He considered it for a moment before he nodded. “Very well.”
Catriona smiled broadly. “’I'm sure Dorothea will be pleased to have you there.”
“And you?”
“Me?”
He tilted his head to the side, not taking his eyes off her. Catriona couldn’t look away either. “Will you be pleased to have me?”
“More than I should be,” she said without thinking. As soon as the words were out, Catriona wished she could take them back. She took a step back, heat rushing to her cheeks. “But this is really for you and Dorothea to bond.”
“I understand.”
“Yes, right.” She took another step back. “I should go back to my bedchamber then, if that is all you wished to say to me.”
Joseph nodded. She couldn’t read his expression, but she didn’t look long enough anyway, since he was staring at her so intently. “I will walk with you.”
“There’s no need. You can—”
“I want to, Catriona. This is the most at peace I have felt all day, so I intend to savor it for as long as I can.”
He took her hand before she could think of a response, pulling her along. Catriona nearly stumbled, not because she couldn’t keep up but because she was so stricken with shock that her body failed to move in time. Joseph picked up the candle as he went by, guiding her out of the room.
They didn’t speak on their way back to her bedchamber.
The silence was comfortable. Even though her mind raced along with her heart, her hand still captured in his, Catriona realized that she could agree with him.
She too felt at peace. For those few minutes, it felt as if there were no barriers between them. No conditions. No walls.
Joseph came to a halt in front of her door, but he didn’t let go of her hand just yet. Instead, he brushed the pad of thumb against the back of it. “Goodnight, Catriona,” he said.
“Goodnight, Joseph.”
At last, he released her hand. Catriona felt cold without his touch. She tried to ignore the sensation as she gave him a small smile before entering her room. She released a slow breath as soon as she closed the door behind her, leaning against it. She listened for when he walked away.
He stood there for a long while. Long enough for her to wonder if she should go back outside, but just as she convinced herself to do so, she heard his footsteps moving away then the telltale sound of his bedchamber door opening then closing.