Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
“Lydia, we are coming in,” Charlotte said in a brisk tone.
She and Rose entered. They had been knocking on the door for a few minutes.
Lydia was in a puddle on the bed, arms circled, hair strewn across her pillow, tears rolling down her cheeks.
She had been a wretched creature for the past two weeks.
A great rent had been torn in her heart, and as far as she was concerned, there was no way to repair it at all.
“Oh Lydia,” Rose said. Both women fell to Lydia’s side and made comforting gestures. Charlotte gathered Lydia’s hair and pulled it away from her face while Rose stroked her back. She commanded a maid to bring some water.
“I don’t want water. I don’t want anything,” Lydia said.
“You must drink, Lydia. You must keep up your strength. You cannot go on like this. I know it has been difficult for you, but—” Charlotte said.
Lydia glared at her.
“You don’t know at all because you get to hug your children every night.
You get to sit with your husband and know that you have everything you could ever want in life.
Neither of you can understand because you both have what I have always wanted, and it is sheer torture to watch you enjoy all the fruits of love while I have to cling to the rotten, decayed elements. ”
“Lydia, you are better than this. You knew that it was always going to be temporary,” Rose said in a calm tone.
“Knowing it was one thing, living it quite another. I am glad that John is with his true parents, but I still opened my heart to him and treated him as my own child. For a time, he filled a hole in my heart, and he showed me that I do want to be a mother, more than anything. When I gazed down at him, and he gazed up at me, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. It felt as though we belonged to each other.”
Charlotte inched closer to Lydia and put an arm around her shaking shoulder.
“Lydia, he was never yours,” she whispered.
Lydia knew this, of course, even though her heart tried to deny it. A great swell of emotion emerged from her throat as a sob, and she buried her face in Charlotte’s neck.
“At least you know what you want, and there is nothing to say that you won’t be able to have it in the future. I’m sure the annulment will come through soon, and you can resume your life as it was before,” Rose said, trying to be helpful.
Lydia shook her head. “There is no going back to what it was before. How can there be? I have been changed on the inside. My heart is not the same. It has been scorned by that cruel brute of a man. Oh, you should have seen him. He didn’t even care that John was being taken away.
He stood there as though he couldn’t wait to get back to his life.
And when I declared I was leaving, he didn’t even try to stop me!
There was no word of him showing affection, but for a moment, I thought…
I thought… oh pity me for I have been a fool.
A deluded, silly fool. What use is there for romance?
It does not exist for me. I hate him. I hate him! ”
Charlotte and Rose glanced at each other.
“I’m not sure you do, Lydia. In fact, I think the opposite is true,” Charlotte said.
Lydia’s eyes were drawn, and there were dark shadows beneath them.
“What do my feelings matter now? We had an arrangement, and we stuck to it. I thought he was changing during our time together, but it must all have been an illusion. I let myself fall prey to the yearnings of my heart. I should have known better. I should have been strong! It’s so strange, isn’t it, that I should bemoan myself for loving my husband!
What a cruel irony it is that I should be married to a man who despises me, a man whose heart is a cold stone. ”
Charlotte squeezed her tightly. Rose came to sit on the other side of her and leaned against her.
“Oh Lydia, I am sorry this has happened to you. I, too, hoped that this might end up with you and Victor falling in love, but I suppose that some men just cannot change,” Charlotte said.
Then she angled her body so that she was looking at Lydia directly.
She placed both hands on Lydia’s shoulders.
“But you must not lose yourself to sorrow. It has been two weeks now, and while I can understand the profound impact these events have had on your life, you cannot lose yourself like this. You are worth more than that. There are still a great many things for you to accomplish and enjoy. You are too bright a creature to hide away in your bedchamber, wasting away the days. You know that flowers need light to bloom.”
“I am done blooming,” Lydia said.
“Lydia, you must listen to your sister. She speaks sense. I hate to see you like this,” Rose added.
“All I ever wanted was to marry a man I loved and have children. In a way, I achieved both those things but not in the way I wanted and certainly not in the order I presumed they would happen. What is the use of me blooming when nothing will be the same? And for all his faults, I do love Victor… I do,” she admitted.
“Perhaps being in London is not helping. It must be difficult seeing so many things that remind you of him. Come to Florence with Edmund and me. We will make a grand time of it, and it will do you good to be in an unfamiliar place,” Rose said eagerly.
“I would not want to encroach on your trip. You must be looking forward to enjoying time alone,” Lydia said.
“The trip will be made even better by your presence, I’m sure. Come, please, I insist. It will be better than you sitting here all the time. I’m sure the distance will be curative.”
“I agree, and as head of the family, I could make it an order,” Charlotte said with a pointed arch of her eyebrow.
“I think Edmund might have something to say about that,” Lydia replied, the flow of tears slowing. Charlotte wiped Lydia’s cheeks in a motherly gesture.
“He has a great many things to say, but even he would be hard pressed to argue the matter, even if the title belongs to him. I have always watched over you, and I will continue to do so. Go to Florence, and come back renewed,” Charlotte said with a wry smile.
Lydia breathed deeply. The shuddering emotion stopped flowing through her and she grew calm.
“I’m sorry that you have to see me like this. You must think me such a fool,” she said, abashed.
“Nonsense, we are here to help each other in times of distress. It’s what friends are for,” Rose said.
“And sisters,” Charlotte added. They both hugged Lydia tightly, and she hugged them back, nodding a little.
“Perhaps you are right. Even if I do not feel like traveling at the moment, it would be churlish of me to refuse the counsel of two people whose opinions I hold in such high esteem. Very well, Rose, I shall join you and Edmund although I apologize in advance if my presence does bring a sense of gloom to your happy trip.”
Rose merely laughed as if this wouldn’t be an issue at all.
Lydia closed her eyes. “However, there is one last thing I must do,” she said. It was an idea that had been rolling around in her mind for a while. It too caused her pain, as for a brief moment she and Victor had colluded to bring this situation about, but now, she was having to create it herself.
Charlotte and Rose left the room while Lydia settled at her desk and wrote a letter to Theodore, inviting him to London with the express purpose of seeing Agatha again.
To encourage him, she added that Agatha was keen to renew their acquaintance and still thought of him fondly.
She hoped this would buoy his mood and give him the courage to ignore the years of absence.
It was a hard thing, to deliver to others what she could not possess herself, but the old adage that misery loves company was not true in Lydia’s case.
She wanted her family to be happy, and if she could give Agatha the chance of love in her twilight years, then that was what she would do.
It may not be the same as finding love for herself, but it might well be as close as she would ever get.
“I really don’t know why you arranged this, Lydia.
I feel like such a fool,” Agatha said, bubbling with nerves.
She wore a fine frock and had her hair styled in a classic fashion.
Her lips shone like rubies, and it was easy to see how she could have been considered a diamond.
Lydia was helping her get ready, picking out jewelry for her to wear.
“You are not a fool, Grandmother. I’m sure it will be wonderful to see Theodore again, especially after what you told me.”
“Yes… yes, but so many years have passed, and I am not the woman I used to be. He has had all this time to remember me, and more often than not, reality cannot match the imagination,” Agatha said.
Lydia mused on these words quietly, knowing that they were true. The way she had imagined love had certainly given her lofty ideals that were perhaps closer to delusions than wishes.
“But the reality is tangible, Grandmother, and I’m sure he will be far happier being in your presence than having it be an ethereal thing. Besides, it is too late to cancel, and it would be rude of you to ignore him after he has come all this way,” Lydia said.
Agatha sighed and primped her hair. She selected two emerald earrings and a matching bracelet, adding these final changes to her outfit. She stood up and smoothed down her dress, turning her hips from side to side.
“Well, what do you think?” Agatha asked.
It was the first time in all her life that Lydia had heard self-doubt in her grandmother’s words. There was something touching about her vulnerability as Lydia understood that deep down Agatha did want a second chance of happiness but feared that too many years had passed.
“You look beautiful. You are still a diamond, Grandmother,” Lydia said earnestly. Agatha took her hands and kissed her on the cheek.