Chapter 16
“Ihave to say,” Father said, “this has all gone more smoothly than I ever could have predicted it would.
“I told you Gilbert would propose,” Marina said calmly. “I don’t think anything could have kept him from doing so—and, as you saw, he was horrified by what the scandal sheets printed. He thinks it’s all his fault.”
“It isn’t all his fault,” Father said. “It’s his fault and your fault in equal measure.
There are plenty who believe ladies are too foolish to be entrusted with their own well-being, and thus are not to blame for their actions, but you won’t find me among that number, Marina.
I believe you should have the wits to take care of yourself, at least to a degree.
And I think you’re very lucky that your young man was still willing to marry you.
Goodness knows he was under no obligation to do so. ”
Gilbert had appeared over breakfast that very morning to ask for Marina’s hand, a mere three days after Susan’s engagement had gone from being a pretense to being reality.
Susan couldn’t help noticing the difference between herself and her sister.
Marina danced about the house, her face shining with joy, but Susan felt as if she was carrying a rock around with her everywhere she went.
It had occurred to her, of course, that now that Marina was to be married, she might stall her own wedding once more and eventually find a way out of it.
But it seemed impossible. Every other word out of her father’s mouth seemed to have something to do with Susan or the Duke.
Even now, he was watching her shrewdly, as though trying to sort something out in his mind.
“I think perhaps we’ll have the weddings a week apart,” he said. “But Susan’s will have to come first, of course.”
Marina clearly hadn’t given up on the idea of trying to rectify her mistakes.
“Father, I’d like my wedding to be first,” she said boldly.
“I know that isn’t the tradition, but… you see, I’m just so eager to be married to Gilbert that I can’t bear the thought of waiting even one more moment!
Susan won’t mind letting me go first, will you, Sue?
” She looked at her sister with wide eyes, as if willing her to understand the attempt she was making.
The wall would have understood.
Susan managed a small smile, but it was their father who spoke.
“That isn’t going to work, Marina,” he said.
“You two have very nearly ruined your prospects already this season, and I’ve learned my lesson about allowing either one of you to take matters into your own hands.
No, from now on, we’re going to do things my way—at least until the matter of your respective marriages are settled.
Then, I suppose, it will be for your husbands to sort out your behavior. ” He nodded firmly.
Susan sighed. She appreciated what her sister was trying to do.
“Marina, why don’t you come up to the library with me for a few hours?
” She glanced at their father. “Since we are both to be married soon, it would be a good opportunity to spend some time daydreaming together about our weddings. I’d love to have a few hours to talk to you about what I hope those days are going to be like. ”
Marina hesitated. Susan was sure her sister understood that she didn’t really care what the wedding was like. But she eventually nodded. “Yes, I think that would be lovely,” she said.
Susan led the way up to the library in silence. There was no giggling or gossiping about the men they were about to wed, and even the dance had gone out of Marina’s steps. Susan felt ashamed. Her sister was so attuned to Susan’s unhappiness that she couldn’t even hold onto her own joy.
In the library, they sat down, the door tightly shut. At once, Marina reached out and took Susan’s hand. “Susan… I’m so sorry. For everything. I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for having put you in this position, truly.”
“You don’t need to do that,” Susan said.
It was time for her sister to know that she was forgiven.
“It wasn’t that big of a mistake, Marina.
It’s not your fault that society is full of gossips.
It’s not your fault that people will seek any excuse to talk about someone.
What you did… at the end of the day, you’re right.
It was harmless. You spent a few moments hand in hand with the man you intended to marry.
There was nothing improper there, really, and in a kinder world, people would look at that with indulgence.
In a kinder world, people would remember what it was like to be young and to think yourself in love. ”
Marina frowned. “Do you doubt my love for Gilbert? You said think yourself in love. Do you believe our love is not real?”
Susan sighed. “You know what I think, Marina.”
“I don’t know if I do,” Marina countered. “I have always thought you supported me in my dream of marrying Gilbert. I have always believed that you wanted to see us married. Isn’t that why you’ve gone along with Father’s plans to get you married?”
“Well, yes,” Susan said. “I do want you to have your own choice in the matter.” Enough that I’m willing to sacrifice my choice in the matter.
“And I do think that Gilbert is… a good man. Better than most. If there was anyone I would have been willing to entrust with my little sister, it would be him.”
Marina beamed. “He is good, isn't he? I love him, Marina. I hope you know that. I can’t wait to be his wife.”
“And I’m happy for you,” Marina said gently. “I just hope that you’ve… thought about it. That you’re not just being carried away by the romance of the idea. I hope you feel sure that this is really and truly what you want.”
“Why wouldn’t it be? If you agree with me that he’s a good man… what’s the worry?”
“Leah,” Susan said softly.
It only took the one word.
Marina and Susan didn’t often talk about Leah—about what had happened to her.
It was simply too painful. But Susan knew that her sister thought about Leah just as much as she did.
She had spotted Marina sitting at the pianoforte, which had once been Leah’s favorite, and which Marina did not know how to play.
Marina would rest her fingers on the keys as if the instrument was speaking to her directly, and Susan recognized the yearning for their eldest sister.
She wished, in those moments, that she could comfort Marina.
She wished she could have said something comforting now.
But truly, what was there to say? That was the reason they never spoke about Leah, and they both knew it—there were no words to apply to that situation that would make it any easier to bear, and nothing to be said that would help their sister.
Marina’s expression darkened for a moment. “I know,” she said. “But… I’m not Leah. And Gilbert isn’t…”
“I know he isn’t,” Susan said quickly. “I don’t mean to say that he is. I believe he’s a good man. I really do.”
“But you still worry.”
“It isn’t as though I’ve ever seen a marriage have a positive outcome,” she pointed out.
“Just look at Mother and Father. I know you were young when Mother left, and maybe that isn’t a very powerful memory for you, but for me…
I’ll never forget that last night. I’ll never forget the way I heard her tell Father that marriage wasn’t what she dreamed it would be when she married him.
Theirs was not a marriage of convenience or necessity, Marina.
Mother was just like you. When she was young, she believed she was in love with Father.
She wanted to be his wife every bit as much as you want to be Gilbert’s.
And just look at how it ended. I hate to think of you, in twenty years’ time, running away from him because it wasn’t what you dreamed it would be and you can’t bear it anymore. ”
“It isn’t going to be like that with Gilbert,” Marina said. “Not all marriages end that way, Susan.”
“You can’t know that,” Susan objected. “I know that some people stay married to one another, but we don’t know what it’s like for them.
They might be married, but miserable. You were too young to have clear memories of what it was like when Mother was still here, but you have to take my word for it—it was miserable.
Both she and Father were miserable all the time.
There was constant fighting. And, you know, Father…
he might not be the kindest of men, but he’s hardly the worst. He never struck her.
He never did anything to her that might cause anyone outside the family to be alarmed at his behavior.
He simply… made her unhappy. He made her unhappy all the time, and I think she did the same to him. ”
“But it won’t be that way for me,” Marina protested. “I’ll always try to make Gilbert happy.”
Susan smiled fondly at her sister. “I know you will,” she said.
“I know that’s the kind of person you are.
I just hope he does the same thing for you, Marina, because you deserve to be treated well.
So I have to ask you one last time—are you certain you want to be married to him?
Because if you don’t want to go through with this, or if you aren’t completely sure about it, I will help you find a way out. ”
Marina rose to her feet, crossed to the settee where Susan was seated, and took a seat right beside her. She leaned over and wrapped her arms around her sister.
“I know how much you worry,” she murmured.
“I know you only ever want to take care of me, Sue. I hope you know how grateful I am for that. Your love is everything in the world to me. You’re the best sister anyone could ever ask for, and I know that if I asked you to, you would run away with me tomorrow to save me from a marriage I didn’t want. ”
“I would,” Susan whispered.
“But you don’t need to,” Marina said firmly. “I’m very happy, Sue. I’m very happy with Gilbert. I love him, and what’s more, I trust him. I know that he’s going to do everything he can to make my life beautiful.”
Susan didn’t quite know what to say. Her sister’s confidence in the man she was to marry was a beautiful thing—if it was reliable. She wanted to believe that Gilbert deserved Marina’s trust. But could anyone ever really trust another person?
Norman had pledged that her life would be good once the two of them had married. But how could she believe him? The entire foundation of their time together so far had been lies. She knew what a good liar he was—knew it all too well. She had seen him lie firsthand, up close.
He could still be lying. Maybe he just wants to get me down the aisle, and then he means to inflict an awful life upon me.
Or, even if he’s telling the truth, maybe things between us will turn sour, just as they did with Mother and Father.
She would hope and pray that her sister’s marriage would be a good one. That was what really mattered to her. But she wouldn’t save any prayers for herself.
In the end, she was sure, it all came down to good fortune—and Susan did not expect to have any of that.