Chapter 26
Susan had to race to keep up with her husband as he stormed from the carriage back into the house.
He had been silent the entire way home, and that frightened her. She had never seen Norman quite so serious. He had looked positively enraged as he’d come over to take her away from her conversation with Lord Islington.
She didn’t know what could have happened.
Whatever it is, it’s nothing to do with me, she reminded herself firmly. He walked away from me—left me on the dance floor to go socialize with other members of the ton. So if something happened that made him angry, it must have happened while he and I were apart, and I can’t blame myself for that.
Still, she was reminded forcibly of all the times, when she was young, that she had seen her parents get angry with one another. All the times her father had shouted at her mother, until at last her mother had left.
She squared her shoulders. I’m not going to leave. No matter what he says, I’m not going to leave. I’m not like Mother—I never had any expectations that I would be happy in this marriage. I always knew I was just here to make it work, and I have committed to that. I won’t leave.
But what if he left?
It was odd. That was the kind of thing that would have been good, in her mind, if she had conceived of it even a month ago.
She might even have considered it to be the perfect solution.
Yes, being abandoned by your husband was a bad thing for a lady’s reputation, but Susan’s reputation was the very least of her concerns.
If Norman left her, she might be free to return to a life in which she had no obligations to anyone.
And better yet, Marina was now happily married to Gilbert, so she wouldn’t have to worry about her sister’s well-being either.
But strangely, she found that she didn’t want that outcome at all.
The thought of him abandoning her made her tremble. To have to return to her father’s house, or to be left alone in the vast emptiness of Heathmare, seemed a terrible fate.
I would miss his company. Even now, with him raging like this, I can see that his company is something I would long for.
So she hurried after him, anxious to find out what was wrong, to reassure herself that it didn’t spell doom for their marriage.
Once they were inside, he handed off his cloak to a valet, then turned to face her.
She was startled by the darkness in his eyes, and the clench of his jaw, and any thought she’d had that his anger was not for her was immediately gone. This was fury, and she was the subject of it. But she had no idea what she had done to deserve it.
“Norman?” she managed, her voice trembling slightly.
“What were you thinking?” he ground out.
“I don’t… I don’t understand.”
“Standing there flirting with another man where anybody could see you and draw whatever conclusions they liked? You don’t understand how that looks?
” His jaw tightened further, which she found difficult to believe it could do.
“How do you think that makes me look? How do you think it makes us look? We discussed at length what we needed to do, Susan. You knew we were going to the ball to try to project an appearance that we are in love with one another. And you spend your time talking to another man?”
“I wasn’t flirting with him!”
“I saw you talking to him.”
She stared at him. “Talking isn’t flirting. Why would you assume such a thing? And what did you want me to do? You left me on the dance floor.”
“You knew perfectly well that I had to go socialize with the other gentlemen.”
“Yes, I did,” she snapped. “And you knew that in doing so, you were leaving me to my own devices. Did you think I would simply stand there on the dance floor, unmoving, unspeaking, waiting for you to return? What do you think it means to have a wife? That someone will just wait for you wherever you put her? That might work here at Heathmare, where the only things I have to distract me are the books in the library. But at a ball, there are other people to talk to, and if I don’t have you by my side I won’t stand like a statue and wait for your return.
I will find someone else to engage my time. ”
“Why not speak to your sister, then?” Norman demanded. “That would have been a far more appropriate choice, if you needed company.”
“Because my sister’s husband was actually dancing with her!
” Susan threw up her hands. “Should I have torn her away from him? Norman, I understood that you needed to go off and spend time with other gentlemen. I know that was important to you, and I do not question the choice. But you must trust me to handle my own affairs in your absence.” She studied him.
“Why would you think I was flirting with Lord Islington? Do you know him?”
“No, I don’t. What difference should that make?”
“I wondered if you might know him to be an errant flirt. I know you haven’t seen me behave that way, so I don’t know why you’re making these rude allegations. If that’s what you’re worried about, you don’t need to be. He was kind.”
“Oh, yes, I’m sure he was very kind to you.” Norman’s words dripped with disdain.
“Are you angry because he was kind to me?” Susan asked. “You would prefer that people be cruel, is that it?”
“I would prefer that I not find my wife engaged in flirtation with another man. I don’t think that’s so very much to ask.”
“Flirtation again! There was no flirtation!” How could he think so?
“Don’t ask me to deny the evidence of my own senses, Susan,” he snapped. “I saw the two of you. I saw how friendly he was with you, and I saw the way you responded.”
“Friendly is exactly the word you should choose,” she insisted. “Friendly is exactly what the two of us were with one another—and why shouldn’t we be? Why shouldn’t I make a friend? You sound as if you’re jealous.”
“Is that how you are with all your friends? Smiling at them as if they had hung the moon in the sky for you? Laughing at their jokes as if they were the cleverest person you had ever met in your life?”
“I laugh when things strike me as humorous,” she informed him.
“Lord Islington was funny, and I will not swallow my laughter because you take that to mean there’s a flirtation happening.
There was no such thing taking place, I can assure you.
And my word on this matter ought to be good enough for you. ”
Norman folded his arms and pressed his lips together tightly.
He didn’t want to admit it, but she was making sense.
Perhaps he had overreacted. Would she really do what he feared she had done—go out and flirt with another man in a room full of people?
Where anyone could see her? Where he could see her?
Susan was no fool, and he had to admit her story made sense.
Then why don’t I feel more at ease? Why doesn’t it satisfy me to know that she was simply talking to him?
He recalled the easy, open expression on her face. The way she had laughed when the Baron had spoken.
Between Susan and him, everything always felt like sparring. He had thought he liked that—no, he did like it. He enjoyed the way she kept him on his toes, the way her eyes sparkled when they fenced with one another.
But there was a part of him that yearned to make her laugh like that. To know she felt joy because of him. And maybe that was an impossible thing, but it hurt that someone else could achieve it so easily.
God help me. She’s right. I’m jealous.
“You are my wife, Susan. I won’t have you going out and laughing and smiling with other men.
” He teetered on the verge of telling her why, but retreated.
"It makes my position too precarious. People will assume the worst about the both of us—that you never really cared for me, that you only married me because you wished to become a duchess. And that I’m not capable of holding the interest of my own wife.
They’ll think you’re more interested in a lord than in me because of my upbringing. Because I’m an outsider to this world.”
“Nobody will think that,” Susan said.
“Well, it isn’t going to happen again,” he said firmly.
“There will be no more conversation with other gentlemen. No little smiles. No laughing at their jokes. When we go out, you may speak to the ladies, or you may speak to me. To the gentlemen, you will say nothing.” His hands clenched into fists, and he turned away from her.
He was being overly controlling, and he knew it. He was far out of line.
She trembled with frustration. “You can’t do that,” she said. “You can’t order me not to talk to people.”
“I am your husband.”
“And you told me that when we married you would not seek to control me! You promised me that. If I had behaved in some way that truly shamed you or brought scandal upon you, I would understand your need to change things, but Norman, I haven’t.
You cannot order me to cease talking with all other men, and I don’t understand why you would want to. ”
He turned back to her, striding suddenly close so the distance between them was all but gone.
She gasped. She had to tilt her head up to look into his eyes. It was alarming and captivating in equal measure.
“Don’t you know how I felt, seeing you with him?” he said quietly, his voice very low.
“But you still haven’t told me why. Norman, you’re not a fool. You know that the ton won’t look badly on what happened at the ball. You know there isn’t going to be a scandal. So why would you—?”
Her words were cut off, suddenly and unexpectedly, as he leaned in and kissed her.
At first, Susan was simply stunned. She couldn’t manage to resist or pull away. She didn’t know whether she would even be within her rights to do so. He was her husband, and he was free to kiss her if he liked. No matter what she thought about it. Even if she didn’t want it…
And then a shocking warmth flooded her body.
I do want it.
She leaned into the kiss, savoring the scent and the taste of him, the feel of his lips pressing against hers.
His hand came to rest on her hip, fingers digging into her skin. It nearly hurt. But the intensity of the sensation only served to pull her deeper into the kiss.
A yearning filled her as his body pressed against hers.
He does feel something for me.
This was what she had wondered about. She hadn’t known how to frame it in her mind, but all this time, she hadn’t been wondering whether she mattered to him. It was clear that she did. What she had wanted to know was whether he could see her romantically. And this kiss answered that question.
A sudden shock of fear rocked her.
This wasn’t a good thing. Because she wanted him too. And that wasn’t safe for either one of them. To allow someone this close was not a good idea. If she let this connection happen, she could only guess at what might come next.
And I never wanted to fall in love.
She pulled out of his arms. His face was unreadable.
“I should go,” she whispered. “I…”
But she had no idea what it was she wanted to say to him.
She turned and ran up the stairs and down the hall that would lead to her room, and she didn’t stop until the door was firmly closed behind her. She strode over to the bed and collapsed upon it, the weight of the world heavy on her shoulders.
I cannot allow myself to fall in love with him. I know what lies that way, and I want nothing to do with it.
But the taste of him lingered on her lips and continued to torment her, reminding her of that brief, intense moment long into the night.