Chapter 27
“Susan, I thought the two of us were going to dance together all night long,” Marina enthused.
“I thought I would never leave his arms. I never wanted to. It was one of the most splendid nights of my life.” She sighed dreamily.
“But then, I feel that way so often these days. Truly, most nights feel like the most splendid of my life.”
“I’m glad you’re so happy,” Susan said gently.
The two of them were on a promenade through the park together.
When Marina had called at the house, Susan had agreed at once to go with her, elated at the prospect of getting out of Heathmare for a few hours.
She had been doing her best to avoid her husband since the kiss the other night, and being at home always filled her with anxiety that she might meet him around every corner.
Being away from him was a bit more peaceful, at least.
Marina looked over at her. “You believe that I’m happy, right?
” she asked. “I know that you’ve worried, and I know how difficult you find it to believe that love can be a good thing.
But please try to trust me, Susan. This marriage has been the very best thing I could have asked for, and I wouldn’t change one thing about it. ”
“I know you wouldn’t,” Susan told her sister gently.
“I saw the two of you that night at the ball. I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you were looking at him. Both of you care so deeply for one another.” She sighed.
“I’m not sure whether I truly believe a marriage can ever last. I don’t know if I can put my faith in love the way you have.
But I do know that if it’s real for anyone in this world, it’s real for you and for Gilbert, and I’m glad.
I’ll always be here for you if anything should go wrong, but I understand that you want to take this chance, and I support you in that. ”
“Oh, Sue, thank you.” Marina paused on the path and flung her arms around her sister.
“It means more to me than I can say to have your support. I know you’ve sacrificed so much for me, and I know none of this has been easy for you, at any point along the journey.
I just want you to be happy. And I want you to know that everything you’ve done has made me happy.
Truly, I feel I must be the happiest woman in all of London. ”
“I hope you are,” Susan murmured.
And she wondered to herself—Have I really sacrificed so much?
It was, of course, thoughtful of Marina to be concerned about what Susan had given up.
But Susan realized she wasn’t sure she had given up all that much.
In fact, she might have gained more than she had lost. She’d never have experienced a kiss like that if she hadn’t gotten married, and although it had left her feeling awkward and unsteady, she couldn’t deny that it had been intensely pleasant.
There is a part of me that longs to do it again.
Of course, that thought was too dangerous. If she pondered that desire, she might find herself drawn in by it, and the next time she was alone with her husband, she might fall into his arms. That was a chance she was unwilling to take.
Marina surveyed her. “You seem distraught,” she noted. “I would have thought you would be happy, but… Sue, do you still doubt Gilbert? I swear to you that our feelings for each other are true.”
“No, no,” Susan assured her sister. “I believe you. I have my anxieties about it, but it’s as I said—you want to take the chance, and I think you and Gilbert are better equipped to make a marriage work than anybody else I know.
I will stand by you through this. And with all my heart, I hope that it will work out. ”
“But then why are you unhappy?” Marina pressed her.
Susan shook her head. “I’m not unhappy.”
“Do you think I don’t know you, Sue? I can see through you.
I know that this is how you carry yourself when something is on your mind,” Marina said.
“I don’t know what it is, but I can see that you’re upset.
I wish you would tell me what was wrong, because maybe there’s something I could do to be of help. ”
“Truly, Marina, there isn’t anything.” But she couldn’t quite look at her sister as she said it. She knew that Marina was right. Out of everyone in the world, Marina knew Susan best.
Likely the only reason she ever fell for my deception about Norman was that she so longed for it to be true. She wanted to believe I was in love, and I don’t blame her a bit for that. But now…
She sighed and turned away.
Marina rested a hand on her shoulder. “You have to tell me what’s wrong,” she whispered.
“Please, Sue, I’m so worried. Is it the Duke?
Has he been cruel? If he’s treating you badly, I’m sure there’s something we can do about it.
We can go to Father and tell him, and maybe he’ll allow you to come back home… ”
“You know he wouldn’t,” Susan countered. “Has he ever allowed Leah to come home? But no.” She couldn’t let Marina worry. “It isn’t anything like that. He hasn’t been cruel to me in the least.”
“I’m not sure if I should believe you,” Marina confessed. “I want to think it’s true, but I fear you might be lying to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“But you aren’t telling me everything,” Marina pressed. “There is something.”
“It’s best if you let it lie,” Susan told her sister.
“But I can’t,” Marina said. “I can’t pretend that I don’t care about what’s happening with you. Have you ever been able to do that with me?”
“You know I haven’t,” Susan sighed.
“Let’s go and sit down,” Marina suggested, pointing to an unoccupied bench. “Perhaps then we can speak a bit more openly.”
They wouldn’t be able to. Susan knew that.
It didn’t feel as if she could talk about this.
That was devastating to her. Marina had always been the one person in the world she could confide in, and with everything that had happened just in the last few days, she desperately wanted someone to talk to.
The sisters reached the bench and sat down. Susan looked out over the park. So many people were here today, enjoying the fine weather, walking arm in arm—many of them with romantic partners. Love truly seemed to be everywhere.
Don’t they understand how risky that is? How frequently it all goes wrong?
She was sick at heart and hung her head, staring at her hands in her lap. Perhaps it would have been better if she had never learned the truth about how love could sting you. Perhaps she would have been better off believing—as Marina seemed to—that such happiness was possible.
I might have gotten hurt in the end, but at least I could have enjoyed myself first. At least I would have been able to receive a kiss from a man who admired me and just relish in the feelings, without worrying about where it might lead.
“Oh, Susan, I can tell how heavy-hearted you are,” Marina murmured, taking her hand.
“Please—you must promise me that your husband hasn’t done anything cruel or harmful to you.
I worry so much.” She hesitated. “I know we don’t like to talk about Leah.
I know what happened to her is a nightmare.
But if anything so terrible has happened to you, you simply must tell me.
I know how you try to protect me, and I love you for it, but you must let me protect you too. ”
Susan turned toward her sister and took both her hands.
“Marina, please don’t worry like this,” she said.
“I’ll admit I’m ill at ease, and you’re right to think that it has to do with my marriage.
You are deeply in love with your husband, but my situation…
is different. But you mustn’t worry that anything dreadful has happened.
It hasn’t. I don’t believe Norman would ever do anything to hurt me physically. He is an honorable man.”
Marina searched her expression and must have satisfied herself that Susan was telling the truth.
“I hope not,” she said. “Will you promise to tell me if he ever does? Even if you don’t think Father would step in to help, will you at least tell me?
I’ll rest easier if I believe you’ll let me know if anything happens. ”
“I’ll tell you,” Susan agreed. “And you, too, must promise to tell me if you are ever dissatisfied in your marriage. I hope Gilbert is everything you dream him to be. But in case he isn’t, I want to know at once if he disappoints you.”
“I promise,” Marina said.
“Norman hasn’t done anything wrong,” Susan said with a sigh.
“It’s just difficult, navigating a relationship with someone so new.
” She teetered on the verge of telling her sister about the kiss, but in the end, she refrained.
“I just don’t always know what to make of him, or of his feelings about me.
I wish I had a better understanding of those things. ”
“Perhaps you could use a break from him,” Marina said.
“That’s why I was so eager to come out with you today,” Susan said. “You’re exactly right. I did need a break. I’ve been keeping my distance from him since the ball…” She hesitated again. “Just because it was difficult being in front of people,” she decided.
She wasn’t sure why she was keeping the kiss to herself. Marina wouldn’t judge her for it. In fact, she would probably be excited about it…
That’s the reason. I don’t want to see her light up, only to have to explain all over again that it doesn’t really mean anything.
I don’t want her to try to persuade me that I can have a romance after all, that I ought to allow him to kiss me if he wants to.
I’ve already made up my mind about this, and there isn’t anything to be gained by arguing about it.
“If you really need a break from him,” Marina said, “perhaps you should come and stay with me for a while.”
“But you’ve just finished your honeymoon,” Susan said. “Things must still be very fresh with you and Gilbert. This isn’t a good time for me to intrude on your life.”
“Of course it is,” Marina said. “I want you to come, Susan. I would love for you to stay with me for a while, to get to know Gilbert better. I think it would be wonderful. The two of you might even become friends, and I can’t tell you how much that would mean to me.”
“I already like Gilbert,” Susan assured her, smiling.
“But… I hear what you’re saying, Marina, and maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
I’ll consider it. I don’t know if leaving my home, even for a short visit, is the right thing to do at the moment.
But I will think about it.” She rose to her feet. “We ought to continue our promenade.”
Marina stood too and took Susan’s arm. “I’m glad you’re safe,” she said. “I’m glad you’re secure in your marriage, even if things are difficult sometimes.”
Susan smiled at her sister. “And I’m glad you’re happy in yours.”
But her thoughts were far away, back at Heathmare.
Should she leave? Spend a week with her sister and give her heart time to settle down after that kiss?
And even if leaving was the wisest choice available to her… would she be able to bring herself to do it?