Chapter 33
“Ihave a surprise for you,” Marina said, stepping into the sitting room and putting her hands behind her back as if to conceal something.
Susan looked up from the book she held in her hands. She had been turning the pages intermittently, but not actually reading the words. She found it too difficult to focus. Thoughts of Norman invaded her mind every time she tried.
Her lips were still warm where he had kissed her.
Why did he do that? What did he intend?
She would never know.
But she did know she had been right to depart when she had.
Even telling him she was going, watching him look the other way as if she meant nothing to him at all—even that had been too painful.
If she had gone so far as to ask him whether he cared for her, only to be told he didn’t, it would have crushed her beyond repair.
At least this way, I can pretend we always felt the same things. I can pretend he never mattered very much to me.
Marina was watching her with anxious, hopeful eyes. Susan set the book down. “A surprise?”
“I thought you could use some cheering up,” Marina explained. Her hands were in view now. Whatever this surprise was, it wasn’t something she could hold. “I know how sad you’ve been, Sue. I hate to see you like this. It really hurts me.”
“I don’t mean to cause you grief.” Guilt stabbed at Susan. Her sister had been so good to her, had taken her in when she had nowhere else to go, and Susan had repaid that kindness with nothing but worry and strife.
“I don’t mean it that way,” her sister rushed to reassure her. “I just want you to know that I care, that’s all. I care about how you’re feeling. How you’re coping with everything that’s happened. When I see you so down, I want to do something for you.”
“You really don’t need to do that.” In fact, she wished her sister hadn’t done anything. Leaving the safe confines of her own mind was difficult these days. She wanted to retreat into the fog that seemed to rise up and surround her whenever she unfocused her eyes.
In fact, given her own way, she would have chosen to simply go to sleep and not wake up for several days. Her body wouldn’t grant her that. Every time she tried to get any sleep, thoughts of Norman—of his kiss—flooded her mind.
In the darkness, it was still possible to believe that he had meant it.
It was hard to forget the firm press of his lips, the way his arms had wrapped round her, the scent of him…
even now that it was all in the past, it was still intoxicating.
It stayed with her when she would rather have been rid of it.
The sooner she put all that from her mind, she knew, the happier she would be.
But it was hard to let it go. For a few moments, she had known bliss, and then it had been yanked away.
She would never experience anything like it again.
It was so tempting to hold that moment close, to try to take it into her heart and keep it as a part of herself, even though she knew better than to do that.
Her preoccupation with that moment was the reason she couldn’t sleep, the reason the thought of food was such an ordeal.
She wanted nothing more than to lie in a dark room, alone with her thoughts and these memories.
And now Marina had a surprise that was meant to cheer her up.
For her sister’s sake, she would do her best to pretend to be cheered, even though she very much doubted anything would be capable of having that effect on her.
“What is it?” she asked, pasting a smile on her face.
She tried as hard as she could to make the expression a genuine one, and not just a farce.
Her sister had been trying so hard to bring her some cheer in the wake of everything that had happened.
Susan was grateful, even if it hadn’t been working.
She wanted Marina to feel appreciated for all she had done.
“All right,” Marina said. “You just—sit right there. All right? And I’ll bring it in?”
She was nearly bouncing on her toes with excitement, and a shred of amusement managed to penetrate the storm cloud that had surrounded Susan for the past few days.
“You’ll bring it in? Well, all right.” She sat back in her chair.
She was surprised to find that she did vaguely wonder what this surprise was going to be.
Marina was acting as though she was about to bring in an animal or something.
Susan had always wanted a pet, though her father had never allowed it—perhaps there would be a dog or a cat.
Marina went to the door of the sitting room and opened it.
Susan shot to her feet.
It wasn’t a pet. She hadn’t even been close with that guess. It was the last thing she could possibly have anticipated. Her heart beat double-time, and her blood seemed to sing through her veins. It was the most alive she had felt since leaving Heathmare, and the difference was stark.
“Leah.”
There she stood, looking pink-cheeked and happy.
Healthier than Susan had seen her in years.
It was shocking. The last time the sisters had been in the same room, Leah had been pale and tired, with dark circles under her eyes, skin and bones from the stress stealing her appetite.
But right now, she looked like the sister Susan had grown up with. Happy. Whole.
Susan ran across the room and flung her arms around her sister, and Leah caught her, laughing.
She embraced Susan tightly, and for a moment, Susan recalled what it had felt like to have an older sister around all the time.
How comforting it had been to have someone who understood her, who wanted to protect her.
“When did you return to London?” Susan asked. “I thought you were far away from here?”
“I was,” Leah agreed. “But when I received Marina’s letter, I knew I had to come back. I had to see you.”
Horror struck through Susan’s momentary happiness. She whirled to face Marina. “You brought her back?”
“I had to, Susan,” Marina said. “You aren’t eating. You hardly sleep. And you don’t listen to me about any of it.”
“She thought you needed your elder sister,” Leah said gently. “And if what Marina has told me is true, Susan, I agree. It sounds as if you’re suffering greatly. You would have come for either one of us if the situation were reversed.”
Susan couldn’t answer that. The situation had been reversed. Leah had been through horrible things, and Susan hadn’t saved her from them. It felt wrong, somehow, that Leah should be returning from the relative peace and safety she had found for Susan’s sake.
“Marina,” she said, “Leah went to Scotland because she could be safe there. Because her child would be safe there. You shouldn’t have brought her back, and certainly not for me.”
“Of course she should,” Leah said. “You can’t imagine I wouldn’t want to be here. Now, why don’t you tell me what happened?”
Susan shook her head. Unhappiness was building within her once more, though she wished heartily she could have denied it. She didn’t seem capable of pushing those feelings away. “I don’t want to talk about any of this.”
“Susan…” Marina wheedled.
But Leah nodded. “It’s all right, Susan,” she said. “You don’t have to discuss it if you don’t want to.”
Marina was wide-eyed. “She doesn’t? But… Leah, you know this is why I sent for you. Why I wanted you to come.”
“I know,” Leah said gently. “But if Susan isn’t ready to talk about what she’s feeling, we can’t make her do it.
That wouldn’t be right or kind. And I’m happy to be here with my sisters regardless.
It’s been such a very long time since the three of us were together.
” She turned to Marina. “I think tea is in order. And when your husband returns home, I would like very much to sit down and talk to the man who has stolen my baby sister’s heart. ”
Marina giggled. Susan simmered. How could Marina be giggling at a time like this?
“Leah,” she tried. “It isn’t that I’m not happy to see you. You must know I am.”
“Of course I know,” Leah said softly.
“But you’re safer in Scotland. You must go back.”
“It’s all right. George doesn’t know I’m here. And even if he did, he is far away, off at the battlefront. There would be nothing he could do.”
“I can’t believe you still call him by his name.”
“You’d have me call him the Earl of Tropshire?”
“It’s less familiar.”
“It is,” Leah said mildly. “But it also gives him more respect than I want to offer. To refer to him by his title offers him dignity, and I don’t want to do that. For me, it’s better to think of him as simply… George.”
“Just a man,” Marina said, nodding. “I like that.”
“And we don’t need to think of him,” Leah said. “We don’t owe him anything. Certainly not our attention. He doesn’t know I’m in London, and I’ve left Joshua safely in Scotland just in case anything should go wrong, so George won’t get to him.”
“The very fact that you took such a step tells me that you’re afraid he might get to you!” Susan threw up her hands. “What if he has associates in London who are looking for you?”
“No, Susan. Joshua would be at far more risk than I am. Remember, George never wanted me. He’s angry that he has no control over me, but he doesn’t actually want me.
With Joshua, it’s very different. George wants his son and heir.
That’s why I left the country in the first place, you know—to keep Joshua safe.
That’s what’s important to me. And Joshua is completely safe right now. It’s all right that I’m here.”
Susan wasn’t reassured. But her sisters were pulling out the chess pieces and setting them up on the board, sitting down opposite one another.
Marina glanced at her. “Susan, you can have the next game if you’d like. You can play against the winner.”
“I’m fine,” Susan said, her voice tighter than she meant it to be. “You two should go ahead and play.”
“All right,” Leah said. “We’ll play, and you watch.”
That didn’t make Susan feel any less angry. It was clear to her that her sister was humoring her, that she expected something to change.
She returned to her seat and picked up her book, flipping it open to a random page.
She was being cold, and she knew it. It upset her to act this way, considering it had been so long since she had seen Leah.
But truly, how could the two of them sit there and laugh as though nothing had happened? How could they act as if nothing had gone wrong, when the truth was that everything had?
She sat and watched as they made the opening moves in their game of chess. They were both absorbed by the board. They were laughing. They were happy.
She resented them for it.
It made her deeply sad that she was angry with their happiness rather than trying to share in it. But it also hurt her that they were capable of such a thing in the first place. It wasn’t fair that she carried the weight of everything that had happened in their family.
She swallowed her tears and did her best to accept what was happening.
But it hurt. And for the first time in her life, Susan felt on the outside of her own family.