Chapter 34
“Sue, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on,” Leah said.
It was hours after her arrival. Marina had retired to her own room with hugs and giggles for her two sisters.
Gilbert had greeted Leah warmly, but he was gone too.
Susan tried not to think about the way Gilbert and Marina had looked at one another, the blissful expressions on their faces. They were so in love.
I want them to be in love. I want this for Marina. It was just hard to watch because she had wanted it for herself. And she had never intended to feel that way.
Now she and Leah were sitting in her bedroom, a pot of tea between them and cups in their hands.
Susan had a feeling they were going to be awake late into the night, and she didn’t mind.
This conversation was difficult, but it was preferable to her usual hours lying awake in the darkness and wishing for sleep to come.
Still, though she appreciated her sister’s company, that didn’t mean she wanted to answer all these questions. “You said you didn’t want to make me talk about it,” she reminded Leah.
“I know,” Leah said. “And I won’t. Not for long. But to see you like this is worrying. Marina is very upset. I know you’re distraught over your marriage. I understand that. But I’d have thought you would at least talk to us. Haven’t we always confided in one another?”
“I don’t know how you can be back here,” Susan said. “After everything. After all George put you through.”
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” Leah soothed her.
“None of his friends know I’m here either.
He’s far away, fighting a war. I’m perfectly safe.
I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you.
Susan, what made you decide to leave your husband?
Marina reassured me that nothing violent had happened, that he wasn’t a cruel man. So what did happen between you?”
Susan felt angry. “I would have thought that you, of all people, would be on my side in this,” she told her sister.
“I am on your side. I am always on your side. How could you believe otherwise?”
“If you’re on my side, I don’t know how you can question me leaving him.
If anything, I thought you would be disappointed that I allowed Marina to enter into a marriage while you were away.
I thought you would tell me I failed her, not sit and laugh with her husband.
” She struggled to account for the way she was feeling.
She didn’t want Leah to have been unkind to Gilbert.
“I thought you would tell me I was right for leaving,” she said at last. “But you seem to think I might have made a mistake.”
“Susan, I can’t know if you made a mistake.
Not without knowing what happened. And even if it was a mistake, you must know that you will always have my love and support, no matter what.
I will never turn against you. I’ll stand by your side in anything.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll watch you walk away from something that might have made you happy without so much as a word. ”
“But how could you think it would make me happy?” Susan exploded.
The anger that had been building up within her had finally reached the surface and boiled over.
She jumped to her feet and began to pace.
“How could you think that a marriage was the right thing for anybody? I thought that having you back would mean that someone finally understood everything I have been trying to tell people. Marriage is too dangerous a game, and allowing yourself to fall in love almost always ends badly! Just look at what happened to you!”
She was breathing hard, her heart racing, and now she realized that tears were pricking at the backs of her eyes. She turned away from her sister to try to bring herself under control.
“Oh, Susan,” Leah said sadly. “I had hoped you would outgrow this.”
Susan turned to stare at her sister. “Outgrow what?”
“This idea you have that love is a curse. Is that why you left? Because you feared the idea of love?”
“Leah… love is a curse! How can you, of all people, be saying this? After what George did to you? I know that you thought you were in love with him. You wanted to believe that was real. And he turned on you. He betrayed you. Your life would have been a thousand times better if he had never entered into it! How can you sit there and tell me that falling in love is anything but a curse?”
Leah sighed, but she held eye contact with Susan.
“I would not have been better off if I hadn’t met George,” she said quietly. “I know it must seem that way to you. And he was horrendous to me. I don’t excuse him. But if not for him, I wouldn’t have my Joshua. And I wouldn’t trade my son for anything in this world.”
Susan frowned. “I know that,” she said. “Of course you wouldn’t. But don’t you think… don’t you think there was another life you could have had? Don’t you ache for everything he stole from you?”
“My life isn’t over. Far from it,” Leah said. “I have so much left to do. I’ll watch Joshua grow up. I’ll be his mother. And I haven’t abandoned the idea of love, either. In fact, I’ve found someone new.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve been seeing a man,” Leah said with a smile. “Just occasionally. We talk to one another. But I know he admires me. He’s said so.”
“You’re married,” Susan pointed out, feeling foolish and young.”
“I’m petitioning to end the marriage. I think the Court will grant my request,” Leah said. “And if they do, I will be free to pursue things with Lachlan.”
“Lachlan.” Susan tasted the name. “A Scotsman?”
“And a gentleman. Not in the sense that he holds any title. He’s a carpenter.
But in terms of his character, he is a gentleman through and through.
He respects me. He’s good with Joshua.” She gazed at Susan.
“Sue, if I can allow myself to love again after all I’ve been through, you can surely do the same.
You can allow yourself to feel something for the man you’ve married.
You can love him, if that’s what your heart wants to do. ”
Susan’s eyes filled with tears. ‘No,” she said quietly. “I can’t do it, Leah. I can’t trust him. What if he breaks my heart? What if it ends badly and I’m left wishing I had never allowed myself to love at all?”
“Sue, your heart is broken right now,” Leah pointed out. “Just look at you. I can tell how devastated you are to have lost him. I can tell you still want to be with him. If you’re going to feel this pain, you might as well try to gain something out of it.”
“It can get worse than this,” Susan said. “I know it can.”
“But you can’t be afraid to try,” Leah pressed.
“You owe it to yourself. Listen to me. In spite of everything that happened to me, I do not wish I had never loved George. If I hadn’t, I’d never have had Joshua.
I would never have found the strength to stand up for myself.
And I wouldn’t know Lachlan today, because I wouldn’t have fled to Scotland.
If I hadn’t loved, regardless of what it put me through, I would be in a world that was cold and empty of feeling.
I’m grateful that that isn’t the case. I’m glad I took my chance, and whatever it cost me was worth it for what I gained. ”
“I just don’t know how you can feel that way,” Susan murmured.
“Well, you must try to trust me,” Leah said.
“The benefit of having an elder sister is that you have someone to follow, Sue. When I married, I had no one to show me what to expect. I had no one to answer my questions or assuage my fears. But you do. You have me, and I am telling you that if you allow yourself to believe in love, you won’t regret it. ”
Susan didn’t know what to say.
It wasn’t that she thought Leah was being dishonest. Her sister would never lie to her. And besides, the radiant glow on her face made it abundantly clear that she meant every word. She didn’t regret her past, and she had since fallen in love with a new man.
But how could Susan possibly believe in any of it, when her whole life had been built around the idea that love was something to be avoided at all costs? How could she suddenly change her mind now that her sister was presenting a different outlook?
She couldn’t.
If she went back to Norman, she was putting herself at risk of destruction.
She had gotten away just barely in time, had escaped before she had gone to pieces.
Yes, she was hurting now, but she also knew that in due course she would recover.
One day—though it seemed very far away—she would be all right again.
She would go back to being the steady person she had always been.
The person who knew the dangers of love and knew to keep it far away.
If she went back to him, she would lose all hope of becoming that person again. She would lose herself entirely; she was sure of it.
And what was more, he was unlikely to take her back. He hadn’t tried to convince her to stay, which told her clearly that he had no investment in her. If she went back to him, he would laugh at her for having left in the first place and laugh at her for having the audacity to return.
I have already squandered this, she realized. Even if I did agree with what Leah is saying, even if I did want to go back, I would have no freedom to do so, because Norman wouldn’t have me after what I’ve done.
The worst part was that she couldn’t blame him.
After all, she’d told him from the start that she wanted nothing to do with love or marriage.
For her to go to him now and insist that she did want those things after all would be in violation of their original terms. He had never offered love. Of course, she couldn’t ask for it now.
“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” she told Leah.
In reality, it was nothing but a ploy to end the conversation. She knew tonight would be no different than any other night. Sleep would elude her, as it always did, and she would be left staring at the ceiling until the sun began to rise.
But she couldn’t have her sister in her room anymore. In a moment, she was going to begin crying. She could already feel the telltale lump in her throat and the tears beginning to build.
She didn’t want to break down. Not in front of Leah, who was so unexpectedly brave and strong, who had overcome so much and was still standing. Still smiling.
Susan could never be as brave as her elder sister.
And she didn’t want Leah to see her weakness.
In this pain, she was alone. And it had to stay that way.