Chapter 35
The silence at the breakfast table the next morning was painful. Deafening.
Susan stared at her plate. It was full of good things—fruit, bread, ham—and yet she couldn’t summon an appetite for any of it. Her sisters watched her with concern etched on their features.
“You have to eat something,” Marina implored her.
Susan picked up a piece of dry toast and took a tiny bite.
Marina turned to Leah. “It’s been like this for days.”
“Let’s go for a walk in the garden,” Leah suggested, rising to her feet.
“You’re not going to try to make her eat?”
“I can’t make her,” Leah said gently. “But if we walk together, perhaps talking will get easier. Sometimes that helps me.”
She headed for the door without waiting to see if anyone was following her.
They did follow, of course. Susan rose to her feet automatically and set off after her sister. As much as her situation pained her, she also knew that Leah had come all this way to help her, and she wouldn’t be rude to her sister or shut her out.
Marina was right on her heels, and a moment later the three sisters made their way into the garden.
It was wonderfully refreshing at once. The garden of any estate always beckoned to Susan, and this was—she realized—her first time spending any significant time in the gardens of Marina and Gilbert’s home.
They didn’t have as much money as Norman or their father did.
Many things here were smaller and less opulent.
But when it came to the garden, no expense had been spared.
Marina’s spirits rose at the sight of it. She danced ahead along the path, and Susan and Leah walked behind at a more sedate pace.
“Sometimes I forget just how young she really is,” Leah said fondly. “She’s still so innocent.”
Susan nodded. “In spite of all the bad things in our lives, Marina still believes the best of people.”
“She’s not alone,” Leah told her quietly. “Susan, your husband wasn’t cruel to you. That’s what you told us. Is it true? If there’s something that happened that you’re trying to protect Marina from, I will promise you to keep it to myself. You can tell me.”
Susan sighed. “No,” she admitted. “It’s not like that at all. And to tell you the truth, I feel awful about the way I’ve been reacting.”
“You don’t need to feel bad,” Leah murmured.
“But I do. You’ve been through so much worse than I have. It feels as if I don’t have a right to complain.”
“I see,” Leah said softly. “That’s why you’ve been having such a difficult time opening up to me, isn’t it?
You don’t feel as if you’re allowed to talk to me about what you’re going through.
You think that you have to keep your problems to yourself, because they aren’t as serious as mine were. Is that right?”
Susan looked away.
“Sue, it’s not true.” Leah put a hand on her shoulder.
“This isn’t a contest to see who has been most wronged.
You are allowed to feel the things you feel, without comparing yourself to me.
You’re allowed to be hurt, if that’s what’s happening.
And I won’t be angry with you. I want you to tell me about it. ”
Susan hung her head. “All right. I’ll tell you.”
Leah waited.
“He kissed me,” Susan whispered.
Leah left her hand on Susan’s shoulder. She didn’t seem shocked. She didn’t seem to feel that this was anything to be upset about. She just waited patiently.
And finally, Susan’s guard began to crumble.
“He kissed me,” she repeated. “And I don’t know what to think about it.
I don’t know what it means. I don’t know how I can accept it, because we agreed that we wouldn’t have a marriage based on love.
He agreed to that. He said it so many times.
I know he doesn’t love me now, because he’s told me over and over that things wouldn’t be like that between the two of us. Nothing has changed.”
“Do you know nothing has changed?” Leah asked her. “Can you really know that? If he kissed you, he must have had a reason. Why do you think he did it?”
“I think he was trying to make a point to me,” Susan said. “He had seen me speaking with another man at the Montgomery Ball. He was angry about it. He thought I was running the risk of causing a scandal and making him look bad in front of all of London.”
“Were you?”
“No. It was only a conversation,” Susan said. “He overreacted to it. But then that kiss—I think he wanted to show me that I belonged to him, and that I shouldn’t be acting the way I had. He wanted to remind me that he was my husband.”
“That sounds unkind,” Leah said sympathetically.
“Well… I don’t think he intended it cruelly,” Susan said slowly. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t feel as though he overstepped, exactly. Actually…” She swallowed hard. “Actually, I quite enjoyed the kiss.”
“Well, that’s an important thing to notice,” Leah said seriously. “A kiss from a cruel man is not a pleasurable thing, so if you enjoyed it, that tells me that he was paying attention to your experience. It tells me that he had care for you in that moment.”
Susan nodded. “That’s right,” she agreed. “I think that’s very true. He doesn’t want to be cruel or hurtful. He didn’t kiss me out of anger. He did it to remind me that we were united.”
“But what’s wrong with that?” Leah asked. “It sounds like it might have been a nice moment for you.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Susan said. “Because in that moment, I realized… I do have feelings for him. That one kiss would never be enough for me. I’m always going to want more, and he can’t offer me that, because that isn’t what our marriage was ever supposed to be.”
“And so you left,” Leah said.
“I had to. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t stay there and allow myself to hope that maybe he would change his mind. Not when I know he won’t.”
“But did the two of you ever discuss that kiss?” Leah asked her. “Did you ever try to find out whether his feelings had actually changed?”
“They hadn’t.”
“Yours did. Is it so impossible he might have experienced something similar?”
“I think it is,” Susan said quietly. “When I left, he didn’t even try to stop me. And surely if he felt any sort of love for me, he would have said something then. That was the moment.”
“I don’t know,” Leah said. “Affairs of the heart are difficult to predict or explain. I can’t try to guess at what the Duke might have been feeling, or why he acted the way he did.
But I do know this, Susan—if you care for this man, you need to find out whether he shares those feelings.
If you don’t find out, you’re always going to be left wondering, and you shouldn’t have to live with questions like that. You deserve to get the answers.”
“What if I go back and he laughs at me?”
“You said he wasn’t cruel.” Leah started walking again, and Susan did the same. “Even if he doesn’t share your feelings, is he likely to respond that way? With mockery? Does that sound like the man you know?”
It didn’t, Susan was forced to concede. “I suppose I’m not really worried he’s going to mock me,” she said.
“But I am worried that he won’t share my feelings, and that he’ll think me foolish.
I know he wouldn’t make light of it to my face, but I don’t think I could bear it if I thought he had lost respect for me. ”
“You’re allowing your pride to get the better of you,” Leah said gently.
“I just don’t want to get hurt.”
“I understand. But it’s worth the risk, Susan.
I meant what I said yesterday—you’re hurting already.
You have no choices that will save you from pain.
The best choice you have is to discover whether he shares your feelings.
Maybe he doesn’t. But maybe he does, and if so, it would be a terrible shame if you missed a chance at real love because you didn’t take the risk and learn the truth.
You deserve the chance to find out how he feels about you. You deserve to talk to him about this.”
“And if he doesn’t return my feelings?”
“Then at least you’ll know,” Leah said. “Right now you’re telling me you know how he feels, but I see the questions in your eyes.
I know you still have doubts. You still wonder what might be possible.
If you speak to him and he tells you no, then you can set those thoughts aside and begin to heal properly.
But you won’t be able to do that until you know for sure. ”
Susan thought about it.
What her sister was saying did make sense, little though she liked it. If she was truly honest with herself, she’d have to admit that she did still wonder whether it was possible to light a spark between herself and Norman.
That’s part of the reason I’ve been avoiding him. I don’t want to hear that answer, because I’m sure it’s going to be no. I don’t want him to douse this last flickering hope.
But Leah was right. She would never heal until the words had been spoken. She would never be able to stop poking at the wound until the poison had been drawn out.
She still felt confident about what he would say. He would have stopped her from leaving if he’d wanted her to stay. Norman had never been shy about asking for—even insisting on—the things he wanted.
But there was a part of her that did need to hear his rejection spoken aloud. She needed him to tell her that nothing would ever happen between them so that she could let go of her foolish hopes and move on with her life.
I hate that I need this. I hate that I have to put myself in such a painful position to get over what happened. Love is dreadful, and I have always known that. If only I had never allowed it to penetrate my heart!
What a fool I’ve been.
Still, the gratitude she felt to her sister was immense, and she turned and embraced Leah. “Thank you,” she said. “You’re right. I know you are. I do need to speak to him. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to muster up the courage.”
“That’s all right,” Leah assured her. “There’s no hurry. You can do this in your own time. It’s enough to acknowledge that you do want to do it, and that it’s something you mean to work toward.”
She gave Susan’s arm a squeeze, then walked off toward Marina, leaving Susan alone with her thoughts.
Susan wrapped her arms around herself, feeling dizzy.
She was going to have to see Norman again—but then, she couldn’t deny that a big part of her wanted to see him again. Was eager for it.
Her head spun. Her knees felt weak.
She realized, suddenly, that the things she was feeling were not a function of her confusion—that something was really wrong—but by the time she had made that connection, it was already too late.
Her vision began to tunnel, stars appearing before her eyes, and the ground rushed up to meet her.
Someone called out her name, but Susan felt a long way away from her body, unable to answer the voice. The air was as thick as mud, and she couldn’t swim through it.
And then the world faded around her, and everything was gone.