Chapter 37
“What’s the matter with her?” Norman asked, his voice low. He felt as if he didn’t want to disturb Susan’s sleep, even though he also knew that he wanted more than anything to see her wake up.
“She’s going to be all right,” Leah said. She had joined the two of them in the room and was now perched on the window seat. “She hasn’t been eating or sleeping, and the exhaustion caught up with her at last. That’s why she fainted.”
“That doesn’t sound all right to me,” Norman objected. There was a low growl in his tone. “You haven’t been getting her to eat and sleep?”
“She isn’t a child, Your Grace,” Leah said easily. “We can’t force her to do those things.”
“But…” He was frustrated. “I know she isn’t a child, but she came here to be cared for. She came here because she was unhappy and wanted support. And now I come after her and learn that my wife hasn’t been eating?”
Leah regarded him. “We could say a lot to one another about who failed in taking care of Susan,” she said. “But I don’t think that’s the best way for us to proceed right now, do you?”
Shame overwhelmed Norman. Leah was right, of course. He could sit here and say that her sisters should have done more to prevent this, but it couldn’t be avoided that he had failed first.
“She has made her own choices every step of the way,” Leah murmured.
“She chose to leave your house. She could have eaten, but she didn’t.
The best thing we can do now is to be here for her.
I am glad you came, Your Grace. I know it might not have seemed that way during our earlier conversation, but I am. ”
He nodded. “You should call me Norman,” he said. “After all, we’re family.” But the word was hard to say. They were family today, yes, but if this marriage was annulled, they would be nothing to each other. It all seemed so temporary.
As long as she recovers. Everything else will be all right. I can manage everything else, as long as she recovers from this. The marriage ending… that would be all right. It wouldn’t be what he wanted. Not even close. But he would accept it.
“Let me get you something to eat,” Marina suggested.
Norman shook his head. “I’m not hungry.” How could he eat while Susan was lying here in this state?
“Now you sound just like her,” Leah chided.
“You aren’t going to eat either? The two of you seem positively determined to sabotage yourselves, Norman.
Let Marina bring you some food. It won’t hurt to have a meal while we wait for Susan to wake up.
And you and I can take this time to get to know one another.
I’m very interested to learn more about the man my sister married. ”
He looked at her. She seemed sincere, and he wondered whether she believed the marriage was going to last after all.
It doesn’t matter what she believes, though.
It doesn't make it true. She doesn’t know what it was like for the two of us—what we’ve been through over the past few weeks.
She wasn’t there when Susan made the decision to leave.
If she had been, she would have understood how final it all felt.
She’d understand why I’m sure there’s no going back.
He nodded at Marina, and she disappeared, presumably to find a maid who would put a plate of food together for them.
He turned back to Susan. Her hand was still in his, cold and lifeless. He watched the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest, reassuring himself that she was still alive.
“Marina said in her letter that there had been a visit from a physician,” he said.
“That’s right,” Leah said. “We sent for him at once when she fainted. He told us that there was nothing he could do—since what ails her is exhaustion and malnourishment, the cure is simple enough. She must sleep, so we aren’t to wake her.
And she has to eat something, so when she’s up, we will have to urge her to do that. ”
“It feels wrong,” Norman admitted, his voice thick. “To just sit here and do nothing. To not even try to bring her out of this.”
“Her body needs the rest. That’s what the physician told us,” Leah said.
“She wasn’t getting any rest on her own, so eventually her body insisted upon it.
I know it’s alarming. Believe me. She’s my little sister.
I care for her almost as if she was my own child.
That’s how it was in our family, because our father was so distant and our mother was gone. We sisters looked out for one another.”
Norman nodded. “I do know that,” he said. “I’ve seen that in her. It’s the way she is with Marina.”
“Then you understand the strength of my concern for her,” Leah said. “You understand that I would do anything for her. I came all the way from Scotland when I heard that she was here.”
“Marina has been writing a lot of letters lately,” Norman surmised.
Leah smiled. “One of the best things about Marina, and something that is not true of me or of Susan, is that she knows how to reach out for help. She asks for the things she needs. She doesn’t hesitate to call out to the people who can help her, and yes, that is the reason both of us are here. I’m grateful for it. Aren’t you?”
“Very grateful,” Norman admitted. “It’s a very good quality to have.”
Leah nodded. “And now Susan has all the people who care for her by her side when she needs us most.”
All the people who care for her. There was no question or doubt in Leah’s tone. She knew what she was saying to be true.
The only way she could have known of his feelings, he decided, was that Susan must have told her. And that meant Susan also knew.
And that, in turn, meant that Susan had left knowing how Norman felt. He had held out hope that perhaps she had left for some other reason, but now his fears were confirmed. She’d gone because she had recognized that he was falling in love with her, and she hadn’t wanted anything to do with that.
She told me all along that she didn’t want love. Of course, she left when she realized I was feeling it.
He couldn’t respond to what Leah had said.
He couldn’t confirm or deny what she was suggesting.
He held on to Susan’s hand all the more tightly.
When she woke, she would send him away. She would tell him that she had already made her decision, that she’d left him, and there was nothing more to be said about it.
I know this, and yet I still want her to wake.
Marina returned to the room. She was followed by a maid who had a tray of sandwiches. The maid set the tray down on an end table, curtseyed, and hurried from the room with a skittish look at Norman.
“She’s intimidated by you,” Marina explained. “She has only ever served in this house. She’s not used to gentlemen of such high rank.”
“I’m still hardly used to being a gentleman of high rank,” Norman murmured.
“A few years ago, it would have been unthinkable that anyone would find me intimidating.” He sighed and raked his free hand through his hair.
“I don’t know why I accepted this role in society in the first place.
The more time goes on, the more sure I am that I made a mistake. ”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Leah said thoughtfully.
“You have the bearing of a duke. And Susan tells me you are a kind man, and I believe that to be true. The noble classes could use more men with a bit of humanity in them. If someone was to inherit Heathmare, I am glad it was someone like you, Norman.”
She sat back in her chair and picked up the book she had been reading.
Norman pondered what she had said.
Was he a good man? He didn’t think so. Not especially. He was the man who had failed to honor the one request his wife had made of him and had thus driven her away.
But then there was the fact that he knew Leah had been tormented by a true monster to consider.
He could never have been that kind of man.
He supposed that was what she had heard from Susan—that he wasn’t a vile, malicious person.
And although it seemed the very least a lady could possibly ask of her husband, he felt a faint surge of satisfaction at the knowledge that Susan had described him that way.
Their marriage was at an end. But at least, when she looked back on it, she wouldn’t remember him as someone to be despised. Perhaps she would even carry away some good memories with her. Maybe someday, in the far future, she would think of him kindly.
He bent over her and took her other hand in his, so that he was now holding onto both of them.
“Susan,” he murmured. “I won’t try to wake you.
But I want you to know that I am here by your side.
I want you to know that… that I’m so sorry.
For everything. And I will give you whatever you want.
Whatever you want. I will never attempt to entrap you in this marriage—I will set you free. ”
Was it his imagination, or did he feel a slight increase in the pressure on his hand? As if she was gripping it? No, he must be imagining that. Even if she was waking up, she would never cling to him. If she knew he was here, she would push him away.
His stomach roiled with the conflict of it.
He wanted her to wake so badly. He wanted to see her, to speak to her. To see that she was going to be all right.
But the moment she opened her eyes, all of this would be over.
He took a breath and steeled himself as her eyelids began to flutter. “Susan?” he murmured. “Can you hear me?”
Now there was no mistaking it—she was certainly gripping his hand.
He swallowed hard. “Everything is going to be all right,” he said.
“You’re going to be fine. All you need is some rest. And when you wake up…
” He hesitated. Saying these words would make it all real, because for all he knew, she could hear him right now.
“When you wake up, we will finish the process of annulling our marriage, just as you wanted. You don’t need to worry anymore.
You will be free. I will honor your wishes. ”
Her eyelids fluttered again—and opened.
That bright green. Sharper and more sparkly than he had ever seen it. She stared up at him for a moment, as if she was trying to figure something out.
He heard the sound of whispers behind him and knew the sisters were conferring, but he had eyes only for Susan. If he looked away from her, this moment would be over, and he might never be granted the chance to look into her eyes again.
“The annulment?” she murmured, and he hated that those were the first words she was speaking to him upon waking. But of course, she would address the thing that was most important to her. “Just as I wanted?”
“That’s right,” he choked, feeling as if he was cutting his heart out of his body.
She shook her head. “But… I’m not the one who wanted it,” she said, struggling to sit up. “I’m not the one who wanted to end this marriage. You are.”