Chapter 38
Marina came hurrying forward and placed a hand on Susan’s shoulder, holding her in place. “Don’t get up, Sue,” she said. “You’re still weak. It’s good that you had a rest, but you need to give yourself more time to recover. When you feel ready, I’ll get you something to eat.”
She stopped trying to sit up, but she didn’t look in her sister’s direction. Her eyes were glued to Norman’s face.
His jaw had dropped slightly when she had spoken. Was it a surprise to see her awake? Or was it something else?
“I didn’t want an annulment,” he said.
“Yes you did,” she said.
“You’re the one who mentioned it to me,” he reminded her. “You’re the one who came to me and told me that you were going to leave. You told me not to try to get you to stay.”
She shook her head, feeling foggy and uncertain. “That isn’t what happened.”
“You don’t think you raised the subject with me first? Have you forgotten?”
“No, I mean…” She took a breath. “Marina, can you leave the two of us for a moment? I think there are some things we need to discuss.”
Marina frowned, but she nodded. “As long as you promise not to try to get out of bed.”
“I won’t let her get up,” Norman promised.
Ordinarily, Susan would have been annoyed at Norman’s suggesting that he had any control over what she did. But right now, it was touching. She saw that he meant to take care of her, and she wanted to accept that care.
Marina retreated. As she did, Susan saw Leah rise from a chair on the far side of the room. Leah met her eyes for a moment and smiled, as if she had seen something nobody else had. The two sisters left, closing the door behind them, and Susan and Norman were alone together once more.
Norman let out the heaviest sigh Susan thought she had ever heard. His whole body seemed to cave in on itself.
“Tell me what you mean,” he urged her.
“I know I was the one who suggested leaving,” she said. “And I know I didn’t give you much say in the matter.”
“You told me not to try to stop you,” he said.
“But I didn’t do that. I told you that you couldn’t compel me to stay against my will, but I did think you would ask me to stay. I hoped you would tell me I was wrong when I called it a loveless marriage.”
“You wanted a loveless marriage,” he reminded her.
“I don’t understand this. You are the one who said all of these things, Susan.
You’re the one who mentioned an annulment.
You’re the one who said there was no love between the two of us.
And if that isn’t what you wanted, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t talk to me instead of running away from me.
Why didn’t you tell me your desires had changed, if they had?
I never wanted you to go. Didn’t you…” He trailed off, then seemed to resolve something.
“Didn’t you notice that I kissed you? What did you take that to mean? ”
She shook her head. “A kiss is just a kiss,” she said. “There are things that mean more.”
“Things like what?”
She closed her eyes. “I heard you talking to your aunt,” she said softly. “I heard what the two of you were saying.”
Norman pulled back slightly, his eyes widening in shock. “You couldn’t have heard that.”
“I came home from my promenade during your conversation,” she said.
“I know it was wrong to listen, but I heard a snatch of the discussion and realized you were talking about me, and I couldn’t hold myself back.
I had to know what was being said. You have to realize, Norman, that I was very confused after that kiss.
I didn’t know what to make of it. Perhaps I should have spoken to you, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do that.
And when I realized you were speaking to your aunt about me, I thought I might get some answers.
I thought I might find out what you really thought of me.
What you felt for me, and what you wanted. ”
She bit her lip. “And I did find out,” she went on. “I heard the two of you talking about ending the marriage. I heard you say that you had no feelings for me, and that you didn’t need to have feelings for me.”
“That was what you wanted,” he said. His voice was raspy. “That was what you said right from the start. You warned me not to fall in love. You wanted nothing to do with love.”
“I know what I said,” she told him. “And it was true when I said it.” She took a deep breath. This was what Leah had encouraged her to do. And she was determined to do it. It was going to be excruciatingly painful, but she had made this decision.
“The truth is,” she said quietly, “I changed my mind, Norman. Or perhaps it would be more fitting to say that I had a change of heart. It wasn’t the kiss that did it.
It was already happening by then. But I think the kiss was what made me realize how far gone I was, and that I had no way back.
That I had fallen hopelessly in love with you.
” She took a deep breath. “That isn’t what we agreed on.
I know that. I don’t want you to feel badly about it.
But when I heard you talking to your aunt, it told me for certain that you couldn’t return my feelings. ”
Norman was staring at her, wide-eyed. She’d shocked him.
To her surprise, she wasn’t as embarrassed as she had expected to feel when confiding these things. She had thought it would be desperately humiliating, but to say the words aloud was a relief, a rush of cool water over a parched throat.
I did nothing wrong, she realized. I fell in love.
It could happen to anyone. It’s nothing to feel ashamed of, even though Norman doesn’t return my feelings.
I’ll finish explaining it to him, and then the two of us will part ways and move on.
If he thinks me a fool, that’s all right. I know that I’m not one.
“I didn’t mean to test you,” she said. “But when I was leaving, I realized that you did have one last chance to win me over. Had you tried to persuade me to stay…”
“You would have stayed,” he said hoarsely. “You would have stayed with me if I had asked you to.”
“I think I would,” she agreed quietly. “I think that would have showed me that I was wrong to believe there was no love between us, that you did care about me. There were things you might have said that would have persuaded me that day. I was frightened you would tell me I had to stay, so I was firm about the fact that I couldn’t be forced.
But had you tried to convince me, I would have been convinced. ”
He hung his head. “I did everything all wrong.”
“No, you didn’t.” She squeezed his hand.
In spite of the pain in her heart, she wanted to be kind to him.
She wanted things to end well between the two of them.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Norman. You kept to the terms that you and I agreed on, and there isn’t anything wrong with that.
There is no fault in not loving me. I’m sorry that I violated those terms and allowed myself to fall in love.
I know that I ruined things for us when I did that.
But the best thing now is for us to wish one another well and go our separate ways.
I’m grateful to you for coming when you heard I was unwell.
But I’m all right. My sisters will help me. You have no responsibility to me.”
“And what if I want to have a responsibility?” he asked.
She tried to pull her hand away.
He clung to it. “What if I want to have done everything wrong? What if I want to sit here and tell you that all my choices were nothing but mistakes, and that if I could, I would take it all back?” He wiped a hand across his face.
“What if I told you that I do return your feelings, Susan, and that if I had only been a bit smarter that day, I would have been down on my knees begging you to stay with me?”
“Don’t say that,” she breathed. The words had hit her like a brick. “You don’t mean that. Don’t say things to me that you don’t mean. I can’t bear it.”
“I do mean it,” he said. “I thought you knew, Susan. I never dreamed you had heard me and Aunt Tabitha talking. If I’d known that, I would have reassured you at once—I was dishonest with her.
I thought you would know after the kiss that my feelings for you had changed.
But you avoided me so much that I was sure you did know.
I thought you were staying away from me because you were angry that I had allowed myself to develop feelings when you had made it so clear you didn’t want that to happen. And then you left, and I thought…”
“You thought I left because of your feelings for me?” She trembled. This couldn’t be true. It was too much.
“I never dreamed you had heard the things I said to my aunt,” he said.
He moved closer to her. “If I had known that, I would have set things straight at once. I said those things to silence her, Susan. To end the conversation. I didn’t want to explain the way I felt to her.
Not when I was so sure you wouldn’t accept it.
I thought I had to get over it quietly, on my own.
If I had known any of this…” He shook his head.
“Everything would have been so different.”
She couldn’t help herself. She began to sit up again.
His hand came to rest on her shoulder. “You’re not supposed to get up,” he reminded her.
“I have to. Please. Help me.”
He bit his lip and nodded. Reaching behind her, he arranged the pillows. He took her by her elbows and eased her into an upright position.
Her head swam slightly. She closed her eyes.
“Are you all right?” Norman asked urgently.
“I’m fine.” She opened her eyes again and found that the room around her had steadied.
“Norman… I don’t know what to say to all this.
It’s too much. It’s so much more than I ever expected.
I told myself I would confide all these things in you because I needed to say them in order to move on from what we had.
I had no expectations that you would ever return my feelings. ”
“But I do. I will,” he whispered. “For the rest of our lives, Susan, if you’ll let me. I know you didn’t want to find love. Neither one of us did. But love seems to have found us, in spite of what we wanted, and I’m not going to turn my back on this. I’m not going to turn my back on you.”
He took a deep breath. “If you want that annulment, I will see that it happens. I will honor your wishes. I’ll give you anything you want. But you need to know that it’s the last thing in the world I want. I want you to be my wife, to come home with me and to continue our adventure together.”
She couldn’t think of anything to say.
Nothing really needed to be said.
Instead, she simply leaned forward into his embrace.